Chapter 18

We are now in front of our dining table. Kumpleto kami pero ni hindi namin maramdaman ang presensya ng isa’t isa. Ate Trixie’s eyes were puffy, same as mine.

“Aren’t you going to touch your food?” Dad broke the silence that was invading between us all.

Sa halip na iyon ang gawin, binitawan ni Ate Trixie ang kutsara niya saka siya tumayo. “I already lost my appetite. Excuse me,” saka ito dali-daling pumanhik sa kanyang kwarto.

Nang makaalis si Ate, pinaglapat ko na lamang ang labi ko saka ginalaw iyong pagkain ko. I didn’t utter any word. Noong busog na ako, saka ako tumayo at pumanhik na rin sa aking kwarto, leaving my parents there at the dining table.

When I entered my room, I inhaled a large amount of air then my phone vibrated. Agad ko naman iyong kinuha sa higaan ko.

[Hey, did you take your dinner already?] It’s Aldridge. We’re having a video call right now.

“Oo, katatapos lang,” sagot ko saka tuluyang sumampa sa kama.

[How about your meds?]

“Ow, I almost forgot. Ikaw, you need to take your meds na rin,” paalala ko sa kanya. Since my meds were placed on top of my side table, mabilis ko lang iyong inabot saka uminom doon.

[I’m done. How are you right now?] Aldridge asked, leaning on his headrest.

Matapos kong magtake ng gamot, saka ako tamad na nahiga at bumuntong-hininga. “I don’t know. My family is now a mess. Everything is now a complete mess,” pagkukwento ko at naalala ko na naman ‘yung tagpo kanina.

[Why? What happened?] He curiously asked. After heaving a deep sigh again, I told him what happened.

Sa totoo nga lang ay hindi ko alam kung sino ang kakaawaan ko. Kung ang sarili ko ba na nagawang kunin ‘yung kursong gusto ko pero hindi naman suportado ng pamilya ko, o kung si Ate Trixie ba na suportado nga nila pero hindi naman ‘yun ‘yung pangarap niya.

Baligtad kami ng nararanasan pero pareho kami ng nararamdaman, that we’re both under pressure because of our parents’ decision. Mula sa tratong ipinaparamdam sa akin ni Ate Trixie and from everything that she did, I didn’t know she’s also hiding a pain inside of her.

I guess bad attitude hides the deepest pain. But in Ate Trixie’s situation, she isn’t bad at all. It’s her situation that pushed her to be a bad person.

The following days, I did nothing but to stay in the house. Every Tuesday ang follow up check up ko. Buti na lang din at may one week break bago ang pasukan namin.

Shane called me that night when I first got home after my stay in the hospital. I heard from Aldridge that she kept visiting me pero wala akong maalala. It’s just that I really became like a prisoner of my own body. Na ni wala akong kamalay-malay sa kung anong mga nangyayari sa paligid ko.

She even blamed herself for leaving me that day. Na if she didn’t leave me, I wouldn’t have done it myself. Pakiramdam niya rin ay wala raw siyang kwentang kaibigan dahil hindi niya man lang nalaman kung anong mga pinagdadaanan ko. She was with me for long years now pero wala man lang daw siyang kaide-ideya tungkol sa nararamdaman ko.

I told her that it wasn’t her fault, na ako ang may kasalanan dahil itinago ko sa kanya ang totoo, na ayaw kong malaman niya ang sitwasyon ko dahil ayaw kong kaawaan niya ako.

About my family? I don’t know. Hindi ko alam kung matatawag pa bang kaming pamilya. Daig pa namin ang hindi magkakakilala.

‘Yung last na magkakasama kami sa dining table when Ate Trixie walked out, hindi na nasundan iyon. Bihira na rin akong bumaba. Dinadala na lang nina Nanay Orsing o kaya’y ni Ate Adel ang pagkain ko sa kwarto. I don’t know if gano’n din kay Ate Trixie.

Kapag bumababa naman ako, ramdam ko ‘yung nag-iiwasan kami. Or it’s better to say that it’s only me and Ate Trixie who always avoid our parents. Ramdam kong sinusubukan naman nila kaming kausapin pero mailap kami sa kanila.

There’s one time that I caught up with my Mom in the kitchen. I’m planning to stay there but when she arrived, I quickly stood up. Mom then held my hand and when I faced her, I saw how swollen her eyes were and I can see misery in it.

Just by the sight of her, my soft side is starting to melt again. But when she asked me if I’m mad? My ill feeling towards her prevailed.

“After everything that you’ve done to me, may karapatan naman po siguro akong magalit, ‘di ba Mom?” I asked with my teeth gritted.

“Megan—”

“I’m tired, Mom. I’m tired of everything. Pagpahingahin niyo po muna sana ako,” mabilis kong binawi sa kanya ang kamay ko saka ko siya tinalikuran. Hindi ko rin inaasahang saktong naroon lang din sa bukana ng pintuan ang Dad ko at katulad ng Mom ko, namumula rin ang mga mata niya.

I tried my best not to think of them saka ako nagtuluy-tuloy sa kwarto ko. Pero pagkapasok ko, doon na naman nagsipagbagsakan ang mga luha ko. Kasi sa totoo lang, naaawa ako sa hitsura ng Mom at Dad ko, pero may nagsasabi sa aking kahit ngayon lang ay kaawaan ko naman ang sarili ko.

Damn. Why am I always torn between my family’s feelings and my own feelings?

That moment, I fell asleep with tears in my eyes. Nagising lang ako dahil sa katok ni Ate Adel sa pintuan ko. After eating and taking my meds, I had a short conversation with Aldridge, kinukumusta niya ako.

Matapos no’n, napabuntong hininga na naman ako ng malalim. Hindi ko na alam kung ano na bang nangyayari sa pamilya namin.

Since I can’t fall asleep, napagdesisyonan kong lumabas hanggang sa mapadpad ako sa library. When I turned on all the lights, I was surprised when Ate Trixie was there. I knew she felt my presence but she didn’t bother to look at me. Nakatingin lamang siya sa hawak niyang libro.

I took more steps near her and from the spine of the book she’s holding, nalaman kong isa iyong medical book.

When she told us that she also wanted to become a doctor, no wonder why Ate Trixie seemed furious at me every time I tell them my experiences in school. I thought she just hated me, I didn’t know there’s a deepest reason behind it and that is because she’s envious of me.

“Have you eaten?” I asked to broke the silence. Saglit itong napalingon sa akin saka ibinalik iyong tingin niya sa librong hawak niya.

“You should be mad at me, yet you’re still showing your concern to me," she replied blankly.

“Dahil kapatid pa rin kita kahit anong gawin ko,” I also replied. “Sa totoo lang, gustung-gusto kong magalit sa inyo but I can’t seem to find myself getting angry because the thought that you are my family, iyon ‘yung pumipigil sa akin!” Ramdam ko na naman ang luha sa gilid ng mga mata ko matapos kong sabihin iyon dahil iyon ‘yung katotohanang hindi ko kayang labanan.

“No. Because you are too kind, Megan. You are too kind to the point na mas inaalala mo pa ang nararamdaman ng iba kaysa sa nararamdaman mo!” Ate deeply emphasized. “Turuan mo naman ang sarili mong ilabas ‘yung mga hinanakit mo,” she continued as tears now starting to shine at the side of her eyes before she looked up at me.

“If you’re mad, then show the world that you’re mad. If you wanted to cry, then cry it all out. If you’re pissed, then be it. Don’t act fine if you’re really not because if you always keep your feelings inside, it will definitely destroy you outside,” naluluhang saad nito sa akin.

“And the self-poisoning suicide you just did, it was because you kept all the emotions in yourself, Megan. Hinayaan mong kainin ka ng problema dahilan para saktan mo ang sarili mo,” I averted my gaze to her when I felt her held my hand.

“Please, stop holding your pain. Don’t hold back all your pain, Meg” napatingala na lang ako habang naririnig ko ang garalgal na pakiusap ni Ate Trixie sa akin.

And things flashed back again in me. Iyong mga panahong sinasarili ko lang ‘yung mga problema ko, iyong kahit masakit na ay tinitiis ko, iyong kahit sasabog na ako, pinipilit ko pa rin ang sarili kong kaya ko kahit sa totoo lang ay pakiramdam ko, mawawasak na ako.

Oo, mas pinili kong sarilinin lahat ng mga iyon hindi dahil sa ayokong madamay ang iba, kundi dahil takot akong kaawaan nila ako.

I didn’t know that keeping all my problems to myself would cause me to hurt my own self.

“And don’t let anyone abuse your kindness, Meg. And I’m really sorry dahil sa lahat ng tao, ako ‘yung pinakaunang umabuso sa kabaitan mo,” napaiwas ako ng tingin kay Ate nang tuluyang lumandas ang luha sa mukha nito.

“That kindness of yours is haunting me, Meg. It always haunts me to the point that guilt is now eating me. Wala kang kasalanan sa akin pero sa’yo ko ibinuhos lahat ng galit ko dahil sa inggit ko. This may not be enough but I’m really sorry, Meg. I don’t have the utmost right to tell this, pero patawarin mo sana ako. Please, patawarin mo sana ako,” I again saw how fragile my sister is as her voice broke while asking for my forgiveness.

Letting my soft side decides what to do, I came near her and I found myself hugging her. Both of us were now crying in each other’s arms. I didn’t utter any word. Hinayaan ko lang ang luha kong sakupin ang mukha ko habang nakayakap sa ate ko.

Let me heal first from all the pain I have experienced, Ate. Time will come that I will wholeheartedly forgive you.

Ate Trixie and I are now sitting next to each other. Sa tuwing nililingon namin ang isa’t, hindi namin maiwasang hindi matawa. The awkwardness is still there but I can say that the heavy burden has gone away.

Out of nowhere, I asked her if she regretted taking the law course. Noong una raw ay oo, pero habang tumatagal ay natututunan niya ng i-embrace iyong kurso niya, but she can’t help but feel envious sa tuwing umuuwi ako ng bahay galing school. Lalo na noong nag-immersion kami.

What she did was wrong dahil sa akin niya ibinuntong ‘yung sama ng loob niya, but at some point nagagawa ko ring intindihin ‘yung side niya.

Habang nag-uusap, sabay kaming napalingon ni Ate sa isa’t isa nang makarinig kami ng hagulgol sa labas. So we immediately stood up. When we’re about to hold the door knob, the door then opened and we saw the figures of our parents who are now crying in front of us.

Napasandig sa door frame ang Mom ko at mas lalong lumakas ang paghagulgol nito. Sa gilid naman ay si Dad na napahilamos sa kanyang mukha.

“What’s happening?” naguguluhang tanong ni Ate. I am also clueless about what’s happening.

May mga yabag ding papalapit sa amin hanggang sa makita na lang namin ang mga kasambahay na nasa tuktok na ng hagdan.

“Akala namin ay umalis kayo ni Megan. Kanina pa namin kayo hinahanap dahil wala kayong pareho sa kwarto niyo kaya inisip ng magulang niyo na naglayas kayo,” si Nanay Orsing ang sumagot at kita ko ang mabilis at sunud-sunod nitong paghinga. Worry was also written on their faces.

Muling nabalik ang atensyon namin kay Mom dahil hindi ito matigil-tigil sa pag-iyak.

“I know you are mad at us, but please, don’t try to leave us here. You can get mad all you want, just... just don’t leave us here,” Mom’s cry got louder.

At no’ng sinalubong nito ang tingin namin, pareho kaming napatakip ng bunganga ni Ate Trixie dahil mula sa luhaan nitong mukha, dahan-dahang bumaba ang katawan nito hanggang sa lumuhod ito sa harapan naming dalawa ni Ate Trixie.

I bit my lip. “Mom, get up, p-please,” naiiyak kong pakiusap sa kanya pero umiling lang ito.

“I thought I’m doing the best things for your sakes, but I didn’t realize that I’m being too much. I’m sorry... I’m sorry for not being a good mother to the both of you, for being this i-insensitive about your feelings. I was supposed to cheer you up, to offer you my hand every time you need it, to support you always, but I put pressure in you instead. Patawad mga anak ko. Patawarin niyo sana kami ng Daddy niyo,” she said in between her tears.

My eyes then grew bigger especially when Dad also knelt down, asking for forgiveness like Mom. I heard our maids gasped and so my sister while my eyes are again spoiled with hot tears.

Napatakip na lang din ako sa mukha ko at ilang beses na napailing habang sinasabi sa kanilang tumayo na sila. Ate Trixie is now crying as well. All of us are now crying. Never did I imagine that our parents would kneel in front of us while asking for our forgiveness.

Napatingala na lamang ako sa kisame. And when I knew I can’t take it anymore, I immediately closed the gap between me and my parents and I hugged them both, whom at this moment, their heads were bowed as their tears fell on the white tiles.

I may be mad at them but I am a human as well. At hindi ko maatim na makita silang nakaluhod sa harapan namin.

Mas lalong lumakas ang iyakan namin nang maramdaman ko rin ang pagyakap ni Ate Trixie sa amin. Sila Nanay Orsing naman, Ate Adel at Uncle Danny ay naroon sa likod, maging sila rin ay naiiyak habang pinagmamasdan kaming apat.

“We don’t deserve your forgiveness but I’m sorry... I’m sorry. Babawi kami ng Daddy niyo. Ibabalik natin sa dati ‘yung relasyong mayroon tayo,” Mom reassured as she keeps caressing our hair.

Napatango-tango naman ako dahil sa sinabi ng Mom ko. Naramdaman ko pa ang mas lalong paghigpit ng yakap nila sa amin dahilan para isiksik din namin ni Ate ang katawan namin sa kanila.

I’m crying yet I’m also smiling, hoping that this day onwards; despite all the things we’ve been through, ay maibabalik nga namin sa dati ‘yung relasyon namin.

Days quickly passed by. Masasabi kong may improvement nga sa pamilya ko. Every time we see each other, nagagawa na naming ngitian ang isa’t isa. Sabay-sabay na rin kaming kumain sa mesa and they kept asking about us. It feels awkward but it also feels better.

Nagtuluy-tuloy iyon at ramdam ko ngang nag-eeffort ang parents namin para maibalik sa dati ang lahat. It felt so good seeing us like this.

Our relationship with each other is improving as days go by, but the thought that everything is fine now, saka naman ako nakatanggap ng hindi kanais-nais na balita.

Tita Amelia just called me and they rushed Aldridge in the hospital again. When I arrived there, ilang oras kaming naghintay roon sa harap ng operating room habang paikot-ikot, pabalik-balik, at tatayo, uupo lamang ang ginagawa namin. Lampas isang oras na kaming naghihintay roon pero hindi pa rin lumalabas ang doctor.

“We did resection surgery to the patient to remove his tumor because it’s spreading quickly and it’s growing uncontrollably,” paliwanag ng neurosurgeon sa amin pagkalabas nito. “We will also perform radiation to kill the cells that were left behind after his surgery,” he added.

“But how is he?”

“I want to be honest here, Ma’am and Sir, pero kailangan pong tatagan ang loob natin dahil marami pang surgeries ang kailangang pagdadaanan ng pasyente,” the neurosurgeon added. His answer were just a simple statement but it weighs heavily.

Napatango si Tita sa doctor pero nakikita kong pilit lang nitong pinipigilan ang kanyang luha. After his surgery, they put Aldridge inside the recovery room. Sumunod naman kami nila Tita sa loob.

“Lakasan mo ang loob mo, anak, ha? Nandito lang si Mama at si Papa para sa’yo,” pangungusap ni Tita Amelia habang hinahaplos nito ang pisngi ng kanyang anak. “Huwag kang sumuko ha? Huwag tayong susuko.”

Napaiwas na lang ako ng tingin sa kanila. Pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong huwag umiyak pero ang marinig ang pakiusap ni Tita kay Aldridge, tila ba’y tinatraydor ako ng sarili kong luha.

Why whenever there is good news coming, the bad news always follows? Hindi ba pwedeng kapag masaya, masaya lang?

Bakit kailangang nakasunod lagi ang hindi kaaya-ayang balita? Can we attain happiness without experiencing sadness? Pwede ba ‘yon? Kasi kung gano’n lang naman lagi, pwede bang huwag na lang akong masaya para hindi ko na rin maramdaman ang pagdurusa?

The following days, as I’m dealing with my studies, Aldridge is here, fighting for his life.

And just a week after, my whole world fell apart again when they have done new procedure to Aldridge wherein they inserted a metal rod into his tumor and heat it up to 70 degrees. His tumor is spreading quickly and they can’t operate it with just a mere surgery.

This time, they did the so called open brain surgery to Aldridge and there, they saw that his bone flap was infected so they had to remove it. After hours of his surgery, we were informed that Aldridge now has no bone in the front part of his skull.

All we thought that was the worst thing that he could experience but it is not. Although we were informed beforehand about the possibilities Aldridge may encounter, pero mahirap pa rin pala kapag ‘yon ay talagang nangyari na.

It was fine afternoon when I visited him. Bumili rin ako ng ilang pagkain para makapagkwentuhan kami lalo na kapag nagising siya dahil gano’n lagi ang ginagawa namin sa tuwing gumigising ito.

One thing is, today’s March 20 and definitely today’s our first anniversary and I really wanted to surprise him.

“He’s inside, hija. Nandoon din ang Tito mo. May bibilhin lang ako saglit,” I smiled at Tita Amelia bago ako nito tuluyang iwanan habang ako naman ay nagtuluy-tuloy sa kwarto ni Aldridge.

When I entered, I noticed that he’s already awake.

“Kumusta na? First time yata kitang naabutang gising,” natatawa kong sambit sa kanya. I even heard Tito Rafael laugh because of what I uttered. “Wanna eat something? May dala akong foods dito and some fruits. I also bought some biscuits. What do you want?” I asked Aldridge subalit ay nakatitig lang ito ng diretso sa akin.

“Oy! Alam kong maganda ako pero tititigan mo na lang ba ako?” I joked again.

Since the paper bags were quite heavy, ipinatong ko na lang iyon sa mesa. Then I went to Aldridge’s bed. Nangingiti ko siyang tinignan saka ako sumampa sa higaan niya. I was about to fix his hair dahil medyo magulo iyon pero bahagya itong napaatras sa akin, na para bang iniiwasan niya ang kilos ko.

“Or kumain ka na?” I once asked, still plastering a smile on my face, pero ang isinagot nito ay hindi ko lubusang inaasahan.

With his eyes fixated only to me, he spilled words which slowly breaks my heart into tiny pieces.

“Pa, sino siya?” Tanong nito at ang mga salitang iyon ang unti-unting bumura ng ngiti sa labi ko. 

When I looked at Tito Rafael’s direction, kita ko rin ang pagkagulat sa mukha nito. He even stopped from he’s doing and his eyes were now settled on Aldridge.

Muli kong nilingon si Aldridge. Nakakunot na ang noo nito na para bang iniisip niya kung sino ako. When our eyes met, napahawak ako nang mahigpit sa kumot niya na para bang doon ako kumukuha ng lakas saka ako mariing napakagat sa labi ko, umiiling.

Ang hirap at ang sakit lang kasing tanggapin because at the exact day of our anniversary, Aldridge can’t remember me.

No, this is not real. This can’t be happening. Hindi pwedeng hindi niya ako maaalala. Hindi pwedeng sa lahat ng tao, ako ang makalimutan niya.

Dear Lord, this can’t be happening.