Chapter 17

After weeks of staying in the hospital, my parents fixed my discharge papers. I still had some check-ups to attend to prior to my recovery. Before my discharge, I was sent to a psychiatrist team and they found out that it was depression which led me to do this.

Depression... I’ve been hearing stories about it but I didn’t know that I will have to experience it myself.

Gusto kong maging doctor ‘di ba? I wanted to become a doctor to prolong people’s lives, but here am I, trying to end my own life.

Ayoko naman talagang saktan ang sarili ko pero noong mga oras na iyon, there’s a small voice that keeps telling me to just hurt myself, to just end my life, na mas mainam iyon kaysa ang magtiis ako sa mapait kong buhay. And yes, that voice has won.

I used to be a happy person but I was really rooted with deep emotions, and I didn’t know that depression has killed me slowly. Hindi ko alam kung swerte pa ba akong matatawag dahil nabuhay pa ako.

When we reached our house, Aldridge assisted me inside my room and it was him who helped me lay down on my bed. Nasa likod naman nito ang parents ko at ibinaba ang ilan sa mga gamit kong dinala sa hospital, tapos ay muli silang bumaba hanggang sa kaming dalawa na lang ni Aldridge ang naiwan.

I feel better now but I am still weak. But compared to the weeks I stayed in the hospital, I’m quite better now.

Noong nasa hospital kasi ako, what I remembered is that I woke up being unable to move. I was like a prisoner in my own body. The reason why I spent weeks in the hospital is because I couldn’t stand without someone’s assistance and I passed out often. I somehow hallucinate about things also. I don’t know. Maybe that’s the side effect of what I did to myself.

“Just call me if you need something.  For now, magrest ka na muna,” Aldridge covered my body with a blanket. Bago niya ako iwanan doon sa kwarto ko ay hinalikan pa muna niya ako sa noo. “Magpagaling ka.”

“Salamat,” saka ko siya nginitian.

When he left, I let out a deep breath. Matapos ng mga pinagdaanan ko, I realized that taking my own life was the stupidest thing I had ever done to my life. But I can’t blame myself on the other hand.

Kahit pilitin mong lumaban, at some point, darating at darating ka rin pala sa puntong gusto mo na lang sumuko.

Agad na nalipat ang tingin ko nang bumukas iyong pintuan. It was my Mom who’s holding a food tray. “You wanna eat? I prepared a vegetable soup here,” she smiled at me.

If it wasn’t because of the previous treatment she had shown me, I might think that my mom was a very sweet mother to me.

“Busog pa po ako. Kainin ko na lang po kapag ginutom ako,” I answered. Tumango naman ang Mom ko saka iyon inilagay sa ibabaw ng side table ko. Sa halip na ipilit iyon sa akin ay binigyan na lang niya ako ng nag-aalalang tingin.

I’ve been wanting to see that kind of stare, pero bakit ang saklap ng pagkakataon? Kung hindi ko pa naisipang magpakamatay, siguro ay hindi ko pa rin makikita ang ganyang klase ng tingin sa Mom ko.

“Eat them if you’re hungry, okay? You can have all your time so you could regain back your strength,” Mom caressed my head, gave me a smile saka niya ako iniwan doon sa loob ng kwarto ko.

When my Mom left, I didn’t realize that I fell asleep. Hapon na noong magising ako. Dahil sumasakit na rin ang likod ko dahil sa kahihiga, I stood up and went to my window saka ko binuksan iyong bintana. Agad akong sinalubong ng preskong hangin. The air that touches my skin calmed me.

Later, I heard the door opens and it was Ate Trixie who entered this time. With long strides, mabilis lang ako nitong nalapitan.

“I was just gone for more than a week tapos ganito ang malalaman ko? Are you that weak that you even try to kill yourself, Megan?!” Ate Trixie’s roaring voice echoed in my room.

Sa halip na kumustahin ako ay iyon ang ibinungad niya sa akin at hindi ko alam kung bakit no’ng lingunin ko siya ay nakikita ko ‘yung galit na may halong pag-aalala sa kanyang mga mata.

“Why? Won’t it do good on you? Why are you acting so concern now?” I asked plainly.

“Because I really am!” she yelled. “Hindi ka ganyan, Megan! Hindi ka ganyan kahina, at hindi ganyan ang pagkakakilala ko sa’yo!” Sigaw ni Ate sa akin and I don’t know why tears shone at the side of her eyes. “You were the bravest woman I knew, but how come that you almost end up your life—”

“Because the pain is too much to bear, Ate! And you will never understand that because you are not me!” sigaw ko rin sa kanya at ramdam ko na naman ang pagbabadya ng mga luha ko.

I don’t know why I am being like this now. Simula no’ng tangkain kong wakasan ang buhay ko, parang nagkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob na i-voice out lahat ng hinanakit ko.

“But giving up is not part of your vocabulary, Meg,” pagdidiin ni Ate.

Napailing lamang ako ng ulo. “Anong alam mo sa akin, Ate? Anong alam mo sa buhay ko? Aside from competing me and aside from hating me, anong alam mo sa akin?” tila naghahamon kong tanong sa kanya.

Hindi ko na binigyang pansin ang mga luha ko. I just want her to hear my side. I just want to voice out the pain I’ve been hiding since then. I just want to free myself from pain, and maybe, voicing it out will help me lessen the pain I kept in me.

“For you, I may competed you, but I never hated you, Megan!”

“You are, Ate! You hated me, you always hated me!” giit ko sa kanya.

“Ano bang ginawa ko sa’yo para tratuhin mo ako ng ganito? Kapatid mo ako ‘di ba? Magkapatid tayo! Ang close close pa nga natin no’n pero sa isang iglap, bigla ka na lang nagbago. Na kung ituring mo ako, parang hindi ako ‘yung bunsong kapatid mo, na parang hindi ako ‘yung minsang naging pinakapaborito mo! Tell me Ate, why do you hated me this much? I wanna know because I can’t find any reason why you suddenly treated me like I am your biggest enemy!”

“I don’t hate you, Megan. I never hated you,” Ate Trixie said in a small voice, shook her head and I can see how hard she’s trying to stop her tears.

“Then what? Bakit ganito ‘yung klase ng tratong ibinibigay mo sa akin—”

“Because I envy you!” she screamed and I can see how her tears shed on her face.

“W-what?” hindi makapaniwalang tanong sa kanya. She envies me of what?

“Can you still remember the day when I first distance myself to you? That’s when you became a senior high school student, right? You wanna know why I suddenly changed?” she looked up a bit to stop her tears saka niya ako tinignan. “Because I envy you, Megan! Doon nagsimulang mamuo ‘yung inggit ko sa’yo!” Saad ni Ate at kitang-kita ko ang pagtaas-baba ng braso nito dahil hindi niya matigil-tigil ang kanyang pag-iyak.

“Alam mo kung sa anong dahilan? It’s because of the dream you are pursuing!” I ended up staring straight at her.

Paanong napasok ang pangarap ko sa usapang ito? Anong kinalaman ng pangarap ko sa paraan ng pagtrato niya sa akin?

“You still has no idea, right?” Ate Trixie laughed in between her cries. “Just like you, becoming a doctor is what I also wanted to pursue, and every time na ibinabalita mo sa amin ‘yung mga achievements mo, hindi ko maiwasang hindi mainggit sa’yo!” mariin nitong pinunasan ang mga luha niya gamit ang likod ng kanyang palad.

There, I was just standing in front of her with shock crossed in my eyes because I never knew her side.

“Bakit ikaw na siyang bunso, nagagawa mong kunin ‘yung kursong gusto mo? Bakit ako na siyang panganay ay hindi ko man lang magawang ipaglaban ang pangarap ko?” she once burst into tears and for the first time, I saw how vulnerable my sister is.

“Trixie?” sabay kaming napalingon ni Ate nang biglang bumukas ang pintuan at doon ay nakatayo ang parents namin at nakatingin sa direksyon naming dalawa.

“Tell me, mali kami ng dinig, ‘di ba?” naiiling na tanong ni Mommy saka nila kami nilapitan.

Mas lalong lumakas ang iyak ni Ate nang hawakan siya ni Mommy sa magkabila niyang braso, saka ito paulit-ulit na umiling.

“It’s not, Mom. Kung ano po ‘yung narinig niyo, lahat po ng mga iyon ay totoo,” she explained in her weakest form.

“But why—”

“Because you never asked me, Mom!” she emphasized with tears in her eyes. “Tutal ay narinig niyo naman na lahat, maybe I could spoil you with my inner feelings, right, Mom and Dad?” saglit siyang napapikit saka niya hinarap ang magulang namin.

“Since you never asked me this, I will tell you this once and for all. Everything that you have heard is right. Doctor din po ang gusto ko! Katulad ni Megan, ‘yun din po ‘yung pangarap ko!” Anger is very evident in my sister’s tone while she is telling that in front of me and in front of our parents.

“But why didn’t you tell us?” naguguluhang tanong ng magulang namin sa kanya.

“How could I tell you, Mom? Hindi pa ako nakakagraduate noon sa high school, plinano niyo na po ang pagiging abogado ko. So, tell me, paano ko po ‘yun sasabihin sa inyo?” she remarked with a pain in her voice.

“But you should have told us at least!” Mom shrieked.

“Mom, how? Tell me, how?!” hindi na napigilan ni Ate Trixie ang kanyang paghagulgol. “Will it change your mind if I did that? Looking at how Megan had suffered because of your choices, mababago ba nung kagustuhan ko ang kagustuhan niyo?” napahilamos ito sa basa niyang mukha at napasabunot siya sa kanyang buhok.

“I was the eldest here and all the pressure is on me, na kahit hindi ko gustong maging abogado, sinusunod ko because I don’t want to disappoint you!”

“But you see, Mom? I grew up being an evil sister to Megan because I’m envious to her and this envious I had in her wouldn’t grow if it was not because of the selfish decisions you made—” Napatakip ako ng bunganga nang biglang sampalin ni Mom si Ate Trixie sa kanyang pisngi, na sa sobrang lakas ay napatagilid ang ulo nito, katulad ng naramdaman ko noon ng pagbuhatan ako ng kamay ng Mom ko.

“S-sorry, I... I didn’t mean it—”

“Now I can’t blame Megan for reaching this far, and I can’t blame myself that I get to understand her side,” napailing si Ate at pinunasan nito ang kanyang luha saka niya silang tinignan sa mata.

“Nakakapagod pong maging masunuring anak sa inyo, Mom, Dad. Sobrang nakakapagod po,” Ate Trixie stated. Then she immediately stormed out my room with her face full of tears.

Dad immediately caught my Mom nang muntik na itong mawalan ng balanse sa kanya, while I leaned on the window frame dahil pakiramdam ko ay nanghihina ako.

Being inside this room which comforted me for years, which witnessed how devastated and heard how broke I am, has also witnessed how hurt my sister was because of the decisions my parents had forced us.

God. Why did we end up like this?