TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide attempt, Self-poisoning suicide

Chapter 16

“I was so happy! My parents even called our relatives abroad. Tapos kinuwento din nina Mom at Dad sa kanila na Dean’s list ako,” malakas na tili nito sa sobrang saya. “Nakakatuwa nga, e. Nagvirtual celebration para kami para doon,” Shane’s smile reached her eyes as she’s retelling me what she felt about her family celebrating her success.

“Tapos alam mo ba? Some of my cousins sent me some gifts. Ngayong araw yata darating. Sabi ko nga huwag na, e, pero sabi nila, okay lang daw. Deserve ko naman daw kahit papaano,” nakangiti pa rin nitong saad.

While Shane’s telling me about how proud her family is, nagsisimula na namang mamuo ‘yung inggit sa puso ko. I know it’s not only me who knew that being envious of others is bad. Pero sa tuwing nagkukuwento si Shane patungkol sa pamilya niya, hindi ko maiwasang hindi mainggit sa kanya.

I am happy for her, yet I am also envious about her. Gano’n na lang kami palagi. Sa tuwing nagkukuwento siya kung gaano siya kasaya, mas lalo kong nararamdaman na kahit kailan ay hindi ko na yata makukuha ang suportang matagal ko ng hinihintay sa aking pamilya.

Kailan ko kaya mararamdaman ‘yung sayang nararamdaman niya katulad ngayon? Is there a chance for me to experience it as well?

Matapos naming makipila, Shane and I went to the administration office. After processing our papers for our second semester enrollment, we took our lunch inside the university.

“Hoy! Kanina pa akong nagkukuwento rito pero hindi ka naman umiimik,” pag-agaw nito sa atensyon ko.

“I’m happy for you Shane, you know that,” I replied and faked a smile. Masaya naman talaga ako para sa kanya pero mas nananaig ‘yung inggit sa akin ngayon.

“How about you? Anong reaksyon ng family mo?” she asked, eager to hear my response. Pero ang tanong niyang iyon ang nakapagbalik sa isip ko kung anong naging reaksyon ng pamilya ko matapos kong sabihin sa kanila ang pagiging Dean’s list ko.

“As usual,” tipid kong sagot. Shane’s smile widen while my forced smile slowly faded. She really thought I had a good relationship with my family. If she just only knew.

“Pero bakit ang tamlay yata ng boses mo? You look pale din,” dagdag nito, kunot ang kanyang noo.

“Masakit lang ‘yung ulo ko,” sagot ko sa kanya. Tumango naman ito. Mayamaya ay nalipat ang atensyon niya nang magvibrate ang kanyang phone.

“Omg! Ngayon nga darating ‘yung gifts ng mga pinsan ko,” pahayag nito sa masayang tono. “Okay lang bang kahit mauna na ako after ng lunch natin?” she permitted. Tanging tango na lang ulit ang naisagot ko.

After eating, Shane went home first. Left alone, I wandered my eyes inside the whole university. Everyone has their own businesses together with the circle of their friends. Nagtatawanan sila habang nagkukuwentuhan. Ang iba pa ay naglolokohan.

Seeing them how happy, napatanong na naman ulit ako sa sarili ko. Kailan kaya ako magiging masaya katulad nila?

Bored for being alone, I stood up and stroll around. Naglalakad ako ngayon pero parang wala ako sa sarili ko. My mind was clouded with thoughts and questions. Realizations crept in me as well.

While walking, I noticed that some students are looking at me. Noon ko lang napansing lumuluha pala ako. That maybe the reason why they are all looking at me sa tuwing nakakasalubong nila ako. But I didn’t pay attention to them. I just continued walking, trusting where my feet could lead me.

I stopped in front of a sari-sari store and asked for some paracetamol. My head hurts a little. Siguro ay dahil ito sa kaiiyak ko.

“Ilang paracetamol neng?” tanong ng nagtitinda.

“Lahat po ‘yan,” sagot ko, tinutukoy ang 20 pesos na iniabot ko. Nagdududa pa ito kung ibibigay ba niya ‘yon lahat sa akin pero sa huli ay ibinigay niya pa rin. I also bought a mineral water.

After receiving that medicine, I continued walking again until I reached the park not far in the university. Sitting on a cement bench, I fished my phone out of my bag and when I opened one of my social media accounts, my tears continuously gushed down my cheeks when the pictures of my parents together with Ate Trixie welcomed me.

Nanginginig ang kamay ko habang tinitignan ko isa-isa ang bawat litratong ipinost ng ate ko sa Facebook account niya, kung gaano sila kasaya habang magkakakasama sila. Pain once drew in me hanggang sa nabitawan ko na lamang iyong phone at mahulog iyon sa sahig.

Dahil doon, mas lalo kong naramdaman ang pagkadisgusto ng pamilya ko sa akin. Unti-unti na ring lumalakas ang hikbi ko dahil pakiramdam ko ay sasabog ako kapag hindi ko inilabas ang sakit na nararamdaman ko.

Ganito na lang ba parati? Iiyak na lang ba ako habang sila ay nagsasaya palagi? Hindi na nga nila ma-appreciate lahat ng mga ginagawa ko pero bakit kailangan pa nilang iparamdam sa akin na hindi ako kabilang sa pamilya nila?

I opened the mineral bottle and drink from it. When I saw the small plastic bag where the medicines were kept, I took one from it, umaasang kahit papaano ay mawala ‘yung sakit ng ulo ko pero wala pa ring nangyayari.

Patuloy pa rin ang pag-iyak ko at mas lalong bumibigat ang dibdib ko. It’s just that... I felt so tired about everything now.

I took one paracetamol again at muli kong ininom iyon, saka ko pinunasan ang mga takas kong luha.

Nakakapagod din palang sabihin at ipaintindi sa sarili ko na kaya ko, na lahat ng ito ay lilipas din, na kahit anong cheer ko sa sarili kong lahat ng ito ay nangyayari ng may dahilan. But the truth is, I am already tired physically, mentally and emotionally, and that deep inside me, gusto ko na talagang sumuko.

Napangiti ako ng mapait. I just enrolled myself earlier for our second semester, but what’s the point of studying if they can’t even appreciate it?

Napakislot ako sa magkabila kong sentido. In my desire to get rid of my headache, I poured all the paracetamol in my hand and some even fell on the ground, then an uncommon thought played in my mind, it’s forcing me to do something, that I should take all of it instead of taking only one tablet.

I burst into tears again as those treatments I experienced with them crossed in my mind. Since they can’t appreciate me, can I just get rid of myself instead? When I’m gone, maybe they could appreciate me, right?

Without thinking much, with trembling hand, I put all the paracetamol in my mouth and drank from my water. I closed my eyes and let my tears rolled down freely in my cheeks.

My reality is too painful to bear. It’s not only the treatment they are giving me which pushed me to do this. It’s also their sharp and deadly words. I just want to rest right now, a kind of rest so that I could not experience and feel all my problems anymore.

Minutes of sitting, I stood up and let my feet lead me to somewhere. I just want to walk and walk and walk until my feet will get tired. But my vision suddenly became blur. Taking more steps, para akong lasing na nawalan ng balanse sa sarili ko hanggang sa tuluyang magdilim ang paningin ko. That’s when unconsciousness took me.

If this is my last day, can my family at least appreciate my absence?

-

“Is Meg with you? I kept dialling her number but she’s not answering it,” Aldridge said in the other line after Shane accepted his call.

[Kakauwi ko lang sa bahay. Iniwan ko siya roon sa university. Bakit?] Shane inquired.

“Nothing. I just don’t know why I can’t contact her. But if you happen to call her, sabihan mo na lang siyang susunduin ko siya roon,” Aldridge added.

[Sure. Ingat ka sa byahe. Ingat din kayo pauwi.] Shane replied and that’s when the phone call ended.

Aldridge then changed his clothes and even wore a jacket. Good thing he’s better now. Nakauwi na rin ito sa kanilang bahay. Katunayan ay lampas dalawang linggo na.

“Where are you going?” tanong ng Mom nito pagkababa niya.

“UP. Sunduin ko si Meg, Ma,” sagot nito at napatango naman ang ginang, saka siya nito pinaalalahanan na mag-ingat lalo pa’t alam naman nila kung anong kundisyon niya.

Aldridge nodded then he went out of their house. Sumakay na lang ito sa taxi hanggang sa makarating siya sa UP. He once dialled Meg’s number pero ring lang ito nang ring. When he reached the university, kaagad itong pumasok at hinanap si Megan pero walang siyang nakita roon.

He kept on walking until he reached the Sunken Garden, na noong mga oras na iyon, nagkumpulan ang mga tao sa hindi niya malamang dahilan. Due to curiosity, Aldridge walked near it hanggang sa makita nito ang taong kanina pa niyang hinahanap.

“Damn it! Meg!” Aldridge quickly ran on that direction. Halos itulak pa nito ang ibang tao para lang malapitan kaagad si Megan na noo’y wala ng malay. “Meg, Meg, love, wake up,” nanginginig ang kamay nitong pakiusap sa dalaga habang tinapik-tapik nito ang kanyang mukha.

“I already called 911. I think she had an overdose. I saw her took tablets from afar. Akala ko ay iisa lang ang ni-take niya. Don’t let her vomit, it might be dangerous,” saad ng isang dalaga.

“She took paracetamol. May iba pang nakakalat na tablet sa inupuan niya kanina and I think this is her phone,” may isa pang babaeng lumapit ulit, hawak iyong phone ni Megan.

When the ambulance came, agad nilang ipinasok si Megan doon. Habang nasa ambulansya, they pumped her stomach and inserted a tube to run charcoal down into it. Pagkarating naman sa hospital, they immediately proceeded in the emergency department so they could assess her condition which includes blood tests, her vital sign and other observation that they must do to her.

After checking Megan’s vital signs, blood pressure and breathing, they administered naloxone to her in which they injected it to her upper arm with a syringe. This is to help her reverse opioid overdose in her body.

Nang dalhin si Megan sa isang kwarto matapos ng ilang oras niyang pamamalagi sa emergency room, noon lamang naalala ni Aldridge ang magulang nito. Though he’s not close to his girlfriend’s parents, nilakasan nito ang loob niya para i-inform sa kanila kung anong sinapit ng kanilang anak.

After almost half of waiting, he noticed that Megan moved her hand hanggang sa magmulat ito ng mata. Aldridge immediately approached her but Megan’s tears rolled again.

She woke up groggy, angry, depressed and confused all at the same time. Although wala siyang masyadong naalala sa kung anong nangyari, the thought that she’s still alive made her cry.

“Why am I still alive?” hikbi nito, ang mga tingin ay nakapako lamang sa kisame.

“Why? Do you wanna die now?” Aldridge asked with emphasis and that caused for Megan to look at him. Aldrige’s tears slowly streamed down his face. “Do you think that’s the best solution for your problems?” He asked again. His teeth were now gritted.

He does not want to scold Megan but her mindset of wanting to just die made him really furious. “Do you think everything will be easier if you just die? Damn it, Megan! I am here, trying to fight for my life and here you are, trying to end your life. Fuck it, I felt insulted!” Aldridge roared and his lower lip quivered.

Mariing napakagat si Megan sa kanyang labi matapos nitong marinig ang sinabi ni Aldridge. She also closed her eyes upang pigilan nito ang kanyang pag-iyak.

“What should I do, then? Aside from killing myself, what should I do to stop the pain I’m feeling? I am tired Aldridge. I am tired of everything and I just want to rest for real,” she spilled, making her burst into tears more.

Aldridge went near her at pinanusan nito ang kanyang luha. “You are my strength, Meg. How can I survive if you will give up? Sabi mo, labanan natin ‘to ng magkasama ‘di ba? But why are you trying to leave me alone in this fight?” Hindi na rin napigilan ni Aldridge ang kanyang paghikbi.

“Remember when you told me that we should fight my sickness together? I want to tell you the same statement, Meg. Labanan natin hindi lang ‘yung sakit ko, kundi pati rin ‘yung mga problema mo, hm? So please, do not give up. Let’s not give up, love,” Aldridge adviced and comforted Megan saka niya ito niyakap.

Her continuous cry made her fall unconsciousness again. Ang sabi ng doctor sa kanya ay normal lang daw ito but they have to observe her condition more dahil marami daw siyang nainom na gamot.

Minutes after Megan fall asleep, saka naman dumating ang parents nito na noo’y alalang-alala matapos marinig ang ibinalita ni Aldridge sa kanila.

“She had a drug overdose po and tried to kill herself,” panimula ni Aldridge nang magtanong ang magulang ni Megan sa kanya. Dahil nga naroon ang doctor at ang isang nurse ay sila na iyong nagpaliwanag tungkol sa sitwasyon ni Megan.

They informed them about the number of tablets Megan had taken, of what time the overdose was taken, and that it’s a tablet.

They also told them that Megan had to undergo N-acetylcysteine treatment which will protect her liver because the main complication to a paracetamol overdose is liver failure. After which, she may need to be referred to the specialist liver unit if the bloods confirm liver failure.

That being said, Megan probably has to stay for a week or two for her follow-up treatment at para na rin masubaybayan ang kalagayan nito. They also told them beforehand that she will need to be seen by the psychiatric team before her discharge.

When that doctor and nurse left them, Megan’s mother cried at the sight of her on that hospital bed.

“I’m sorry if you have to suffer from this. If it’s because of us, I am very very sorry, Megan,” naiiyak na sambit ng ginang na noo’y nakaupo na sa gilid ng kanyang anak. Hinaplos din nito ang mukha ng dalaga.

She then kept saying sorry to her, that they didn’t mean whatever words they told her, that they just wanted the best for her but they didn’t realize that they’re too much. Na sa kagustuhang ipilit sa kanya kung anong sa tingin nila ang makabubuti sa kanya, hindi na nila naisip kung anong mararamdaman nito.

“Did she say something to you before she did that to herself?” Megan’s mother wiped the side of her eyes before asking that to Aldridge.

“I was not with her when she did that to herself, Tita. Nalaman ko lang po noong susunduin ko na sana siya sa university nila,” pahayag nito saka bahagyang natigilan sa kanyang sasabihin.

“But I know what she’s been through po. When I first saw her, she cried in front of me, and she kept doing that the following days while telling me all of her problems,” dagdag nito. Maging ang una nilang pagkikita ay naalala pa nito. “I knew her for being a strong woman, but I didn’t know that she will end up hurting herself like this,” Aldridge explained.

“Do you have any idea why she had to do this?” ang tatay naman ni Megan ang nagtanong ngayon. That’s when Aldridge met their gazes.

“I am sorry if this may sound offensive po but Megan had enough. She may be strong outside but she’s a fragile person po and I think it’s because of the treatment you are giving her, dahil iyon po ang lagi niyang sinasabi sa tuwing umiiyak siya sa akin,” hindi alam ni Aldridge kung tama pa bang sabihin niya iyon pero sa tingin niya ay kailangan para malaman nila ang dahilan kung bakit umabot si Megan sa ganito.

“The first day when I met her, when she cried in front of me, she’s complaining how world is so unfair to her. No’ng una, hindi ko po alam kung bakit niya nasabi ‘yon but I came to understand her side little by little,” Aldridge lost count of how many times Megan cried to him but he knew what the real reason is.

“She doesn’t want anything po. All she wants is for you to support her, and to appreciate her especially in her dreams,” pahiwatig nito. “Megan is studying too much, Tita, Tito. It’s not because she wanted to prove anything. Gusto niya lang po na i-appreciate niyo siya at tanggapin ‘yung pangarap na gusto niya pong tahakin,” he continued.

“I apologize for telling this, but,” Aldridge paused for awhile. “Please do not see Megan as someone. See her as your daughter, and I think ‘yun lang po ‘yung gusto niya.” That made Megan’s parents cry even more after hearing what she’s been through because of them.

While they are exchanging words about Megan’s feelings, little did they know that she has woken up at malaya nitong naririnig ang pinag-uusapan nila.

Gising siya, nakasara lang ang kanyang mga mata. At habang naririnig nito ang paulit-ulit na pagsorry ng magulang niya, sunud-sunod naman ang pagdaloy ng luha sa kanyang mga mata.

And there’s one thing that crept in her mind. Na kung hindi pa niya ginawa iyon sa sarili niya ay hindi pa sila mag-aalala ng ganito sa kanya.

Do I really have to hurt myself first so they could see my worth? So they could appreciate me? How could people only realize your worth if you’re already in a near to death situation?

With eyes closed, with tears running down her cheeks, Megan asked herself secretly. Why is the world so unfair to me?