Chapter 15

After hearing about Aldridge’s condition, our worlds crumbled. Tita Amelia did her best not to cry out loud but it was of no use. Tito Rafael, on the other hand was just sitting on the bench, na para bang wala ito sa kanyang sarili.

While here am I, trying to control my tears from falling down though meron at meron pa rin talagang tumatakas na luha sa mga mata ko na para bang may sarili silang buhay at kusa silang kumikilos pababa. Nahihirapan na rin akong huminga dahil sa kaiiyak ko. It’s just hard to control myself dahil ‘yung luha na mismo ang nagkukusang lumabas.

Aldridge is still asleep. Hearing his parents talking if they should tell him about his condition is a very heartbreaking scene for me.

How would you handle that kind of scene? How would you feel kapag nasa harapan mo ngayon ang dalawang magulang at pinag-uusapan kung paano sasabihin sa kanilang anak na isang taon na lang ang itatagal nito?

We are still holding into this small chance that he can live longer, but the thought that there is no cure for globiastoma, ang isipang iyon ang nagiging kalaban namin.

Miracles do happen, right? Can that miracle happens to Aldridge?

Simula no’ng nalaman ko ‘yung tungkol sa sitwasyon ni Aldridge, maging ako rin ay parang nawala sa sarili ko. My mind was always pre-occupied and I don’t know what’s happening to me. I can’t focus with everything.

Sa isang iglap, I felt like I lost everything and I can’t feel myself anymore.

“Natapos mo na ang assignment mo?”

My forehead crinkled because of Shane’s question. “May assignment tayo?” taka kong tanong sa kanya.

“Oo, sa anatomy. Don’t tell me nakalimutan mo?” she unbelievably asked. Napailing pa ito saka niya inilabas ‘yung librong binili ko noon kamakailan lang. “You can scan this. I-connect mo na lang ‘to sa question. Isa lang naman ‘yon saka may 1 hour ka pa naman, sagutin mo na lang after nating kumain,” pagpapaalala nito sa akin pero agad kong binitawan ‘yung kinakain ko.

Without asking further questions, I took that book and immediately scan it, yet I don’t know where to start. I’m cramming. Ni ang pagconstruct lang ng pang-intro ko ay hindi ko magawa.

For just one question, it took me almost one hour to finish it. Nalipasan na rin ako ng gutom dahil mas tinutukan ko ‘yung assignment ko. Shane read my answer and told me that my answer is in connection with the question, but still I wasn’t contented with what I wrote in that paper. For the first time, I doubted the information I jotted down on my paper.

Attending our next subjects, I was just sitting at my chair. Our professor kept on discussing in front but my attention wasn’t there.  And even if I want to keep my focus with him, hindi ko magawa. I used to participate in class discussion, but for the following days, I was like an invisible student in the four corners of our room.

“Sir?” I asked our professor when he suddenly called my name. Nahihiyang napatayo ako at pansin ko namang lahat ng mga kaklase ko ay napatingin sa gawi ko.

“Can you name the hemoproteins along with their principal biological functions?” Our professor asked.

I pursed my lips and simply bit it, figuring out what should I respond. “Hemoproteins...” that word was followed by a long pause dahil hindi ko alam kung anong itutuloy ko roon.

“What about hemoproteins, Miss Uy?” naghihintay na tanong ng prof namin sa akin.

Nagkaroon muli ng dead air dahil wala talaga akong maisagot. “Its function is to transport oxygen?” patanong kong sagot, hindi sigurado kung tama ba ‘yung binanggit ko.

Our prof then shifted his gaze to my classmates. “Can anyone in the class name the hemoproteins along with their principal biological functions?” Tanong muli nito at no’ng mag-unahan sa pagtaas ng kamay ang mga kaklase ko, nahihiyang napaupo ako sa aking pwesto.

If only I had the power to disappear, baka ay kanina ko pang ginawa. I bowed my head, feeling disappointed about myself. Iisang tanong pero hindi ko man lang nasagot ng maayos, ni hindi pa sigurado kung tama ba ‘yung sinagot ko. Nafufrustrate ako sa sarili ko. Hindi naman ako ganito.

“Nag-aalala na ako sa’yo, Meg,” pahayag ni Shane habang nasa food court na kami.

It’s been a week simula no’ng hindi ko nagawa ‘yung assignment ko at ngayon nga ay napapansin na rin ni Shane na wala ako sa sarili ko lately.

“I’m o-okay,” I stuttered, but tears suddenly rolled out. Not wanting to feel pitiful in front of her, I quickly wiped my cheeks.

“Kumusta na raw siya?” she asked, pertaining to Aldridge.

“Tita told me that he is doing fine but I don’t know. Three days ago pa ‘yung last na dalaw ko sa kanya, e,” I told her, showing a force smile.

Tatlong araw na ang nakalilipas simula no’ng huling dalaw ko sa kanya. Even if I want to visit him always, na kulang na lang ay doon muna ako mamalagi, hindi ko magawa dahil nagkataon namang sunud-sunod ang activities namin sa school, yet I can’t seem to focus in it as well.

Friday came and ‘yun lang ‘yung naging pagkakataon ko para madalaw ulit si Aldridge sa hospital after almost one week.

When I entered his room, naabutan ko siyang pinapakain ng kanyang Mom. I immediately asked Tita Amelia if I could replace her para ako na lang muna iyong magpakain kay Aldridge. Pumayag naman ito kaya agad kong kinuha ‘yung pinggan sa kanya.

“How’s school?” tanong ni Aldridge habang sinusubuan ko siya.

“Okay lang naman, love. Kinakaya kahit mahirap,” nakangiti kong saad.

“You’re lying, love,” saad nito, ngayon ay nakatitig na ng diretso sa mga mata ko. “Shane and Louie visited me here yesterday. Your friend then told me about you, na you’re out of yourself lately. Pati sa klase ay hindi ka raw makafocus.”

“I’m doing better in class, alright? Nagkataon lang na wala akong maisagot noon. Normal lang naman ‘yon—”

“Hindi ‘yon normal pagdating sa’yo, Megan,” pagpuputol nito sa sasabihin ko.

Pinagdikit ko na lamang ang mga labi ko dahil sa pagiging seryoso ng boses ni Aldridge, kasabay ng seryosong tinging ibinibigay nito sa akin.

“I know how competitive you are. Forgetting about your assignment, not answering in your class recitation, getting half score in your quiz, that’s not normal, Megan. Hindi ka gano’n at alam kong hindi normal sa’yo ‘yon,” napapailing nitong saad. I slightly bowed my head because he has a point.

“Is this because of me—”

Kusa akong napataas ng tingin sa kanya at napailing. “It’s not, love. Hindi mo kasalanan—”

“Then prove me wrong, love. Ipakita mo sa akin na hindi ako ang dahilan kung bakit ka nagkakaganyan,” his voice lowered.

I gave Aldridge a small smile. “This is all my fault, Aldridge. Kung iniisip mong ikaw ang dahilan, nagkakamali ka. But yeah, I’ll do better in the class. Babawi ako, okay?” I reassured. Marahan nitong ginulo ang buhok ko at nginitian din ako pabalik.

“You do better in the class and I’ll do better here. Let’s do better together, hm?” I nodded my head because of what Aldridge said and we gave each other a smile.

Sa mga sumunod na araw, ginawa nga namin kung ano iyong mga napag-usapan namin ni Aldridge. Fortunately, nagagawa kong bumawi sa lahat ng subjects ko hanggang sa sumunod na mga buwan. I also joined some academic contest in our school.

On the other hand, nagagawa ko ring dalawin si Aldridge halos araw-araw. Lagi pa nga niya akong tinatanong patungkol sa class ko. And every time I told him that I’m preparing for our quiz, nirereview niya ako lagi. Kung minsan namang tulog ito, I always took advantage of it para i-scan lahat ng mga topics namin sa school. That became our routine every time I visit him in the hospital.

About his condition, the doctor told us that he’s doing better pero kailangan pa rin nitong mag-undergo sa chemotherapy para mas lalong magtuluy-tuloy ‘yung paggaling niya.

Sure, the globiastoma has no cure. Pero no’ng sinabi ng doctor sa amin na may mga treatments daw para mapatagal ang buhay nito at may mga pasyente rin daw katulad ng sitwasyon niya na umabot lampas sa isang taon ang buhay, tila nagkaroon kami ng pag-asa dahil roon lalo pa ng sabihin nito sa amin na globiastoma patients may survive up to five years or more. Although it’s rare thing to happen, mas nadagdagan ang pag-asa namin para kay Aldridge.

Couple of months had passed again until the doctor informed us that Aldridge has the chance to get discharge at the end of this month which means sa next week na. I was so happy that time lalo na ‘yung parents ni Aldridge.

That month, I thought I could only received a single good news but it’s not because when I’m at the school, I learned that I was one of the dean’s lists in our class. Shane also made it on the list.

Sobrang tuwa naming dalawa pagkakuha namin sa certificate of grades namin. We did not expect this at all lalo na sa part ko dahil medyo bumaba nga noon ang academic performance ko but I was really happy and blessed at the same time.

Pagkauwi ko nga sa bahay ay kulang na lang na takbuhin ko ang gate papasok. I even leaped as I walk. Hindi naman sa pagiging mayabang pero hindi na bago sa akin ang mapabilang sa classroom rankings but this college is far differ from it.

The joy and excitement are different. The fulfillment is there. Parang ngayon ko lang na-appreciate lahat ng mga efforts na in-exert ko para mapunta ako sa kinalalagyan ko ngayon.

“Mom, Dad!” I screamed in excitement.

“What happened?” nagtatakang tanong ng Mom ko. Nakita ko pa ang dali-daling pagbaba ng parents ko sa hagdan. Ate Trixie also came out in the kitchen. My scream really took their attentions.

“Nakuha na po namin ‘yung grades namin, ang guess what po?” I paused,  letting them feel the suspense in my very good news. “DL po ako sa univ!” I continued, the smile even reached the side of my eyes.

“DL?” Mom queried, maybe curious what that abbreviation stands for.

“DL, Mom. I’m one of the Dean’s lists po!” natutuwa kong kwento sa kanya.

Mom then rested on the couch. “Akala ko naman kung ano,” walang gana nitong sagot, naiiling pa matapos marinig ang sinabi ko.

“But Mom, aren’t you proud of that? I mean, Dean’s list po iyon, e. We know it’s hard to attain—”

“What’s hard in attaining that? Your sister made it on the President’s list tapos ikaw, Dean’s list lang?” Kusang nawala ang sayang nararamdaman ko matapos sabihin iyon ng Mom ko. Pakiramdam ko rin ay nawalan ng saysay iyong pagiging Dean’s list ko.

“Kaya nga. You should have done better in the class, Megan, edi sana’y nasa President’s list ka katulad ng ate mo,” singit ni Daddy na nasa gilid ko. He even sounded disgusted after hearing the news I shared.

“Hindi po ako si Ate Trixie,” I replied, biting my lower lip.

“Exactly! At hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi mo man lang magaya ang ate mo!” Mom yelled and pain quickly struck in me. Naramdaman ko na rin ang pagguhit ng mainit na likido sa gilid ng mga mata ko.

Oo, paulit-ulit na ako. Alam ko naman kung gaano silang hindi kasuportado sa akin but I always do my best para kahit papaano, maipakita ko na deserve ko ‘yung kursong kinuha ko, na masaya ako dahil ‘yun ‘yung in-enroll ko pero natapos na ang ilang taon, bakit ganito pa rin ang ipinaparamdam nila sa akin?

Oo, ang tanga ko lang sa part na ibinabahagi ko lagi sa kanila ‘yung mga achievements na nakukuha ko kahit hindi naman nila magawang i-appreciate ‘yon pero hanggang kailan ba sila magiging ganito sa akin?

In every achievement I got, why do I always end up being compared to my sister? Hindi ba pwedeng i-congratulate na lang nila ako kaysa ikumpara sa ate ko?

Sa halip na congratulations nila ang makukuha ko, puro na lang ‘buti pa ang ate mo ganito’, ‘bakit hindi mo gayahin ang ate mo?’ Kailan ko ba maririnig sa kanila ang salitang ‘ang galing mo’, ‘proud ako sa’yo?’ Gano’n ba kahirap sabihin ang mga salitang iyon?

I sniffed. “I know Ate Trixie is a genius, pero kailan po kayo titigil sa pagkukumpara sa akin at kay Ate? Pasensya na po pero this is me, eto lang ako, hanggang dito lang po ‘yung kaya ko. Can’t you appreciate what I did even just for a minute?” saad ko sa nagmamakaawang tono. 

“I know Ate Trixie is way better than me. She’s here while I am only here,” I sobbed, gesturing in my hand that my sister is at the top while I am at the bottom.

“Pero for once, Mom and Dad, i-appreciate niyo naman po ang mga efforts ko. Huwag niyo naman po sanang iparamdam sa akin na ako 'yung pinakabobo sa pamilyang 'to,” hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong humagulgol sa harap mismo ng pamilya ko.

Noon, pasikreto akong umiiyak dahil sa kanila. Kung minsan pa ay itinatago ko ang pag-iyak ko, but at this moment, I let them saw my vulnerable side. I let them saw how pitiful I am in front of them. I let them saw how weak I am. I let them saw how hurt I am. I let them saw how painful it is to be belittled by them.

“To be honest po, I sometimes hate myself for being this kind. Na kahit ang dami kong hinanakit sa inyo, hindi ko magawang ilabas ‘yon kasi nandoon ‘yung respeto ko sa inyo! Kasi magulang ko kayo! Kasi pamilya ko kayo!”

I may seem bad in front of them but I couldn’t stop myself for raising my voice because of the anger, of the frustration, of the envious, and of the mixed emotions I am feeling right now.

“You never heard me complain but you are too much. Ang sakit lang po kasi, e,” I wiped my tears using the back of my hand. “You are my family. You’re supposed to lift me up pero bakit kayo pa po ‘yung nangdodown sa akin? Am I not your family? Am I not part of this family?” I then crack up into tears.

“I’m doing all my best so you could appreciate me but that was still not enough. It will never be enough. Mom, Dad, anong klaseng best po ba ang hinahanap niyo? Sabihan niyo naman po ako kasi sa totoo lang, ang hirap pong abutin ng standards niyo,” Muli akong napapahid sa mga luha ko kahit na putul-putol ‘yung tunog ng iyak na ginagawa ko.

“Pasensya na po kung hanggang doon lang ako. Pasensya na rin po kung hindi ko mameet ‘yung expectations niyo. Hindi po kasi ako kasingtalino ng paboritong anak ninyo,” I last said before leaving them.

Noong mapaharap ako sa direksyon ni Ate, mas lalong namuo ‘yung sama ng loob na nararamdaman ko para sa kanila.

“At ikaw rin ate, kapatid mo po ako. Huwag mo naman po sana akong ituring bilang kakumpitensya mo. In fact, hindi mo naman po kailangang makipagkumpitensya sa akin dahil sa mata ng mga magulang natin, ikaw ‘yung pinakamagaling.” I told her saka ako nagmadaling umakyat sa kwarto ko.

When I entered my room, I quickly locked the door and leaned my forehead against it, letting my tears roll down my cheeks, crying all my heart out.

At that moment, my room once witnessed how devastated I am and this devastation was because of my own family, my family who never showed their support for me, my family who will never appreciate me.