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42. Confession (part 2)

After locking up the two of them, Cathy made a run for Germaine's room. She went through all the drawers in her desk to find what she was looking for. She finally did–'Germaine's first remedy', said the label on the notebook. Cathy rifled through the pages and found the section that said: "For the health of the young'un".

Just as expected, the woman had already made an entry for treating the baby's food poisoning. She set about doing what the remedy suggested.

#

"Today really can't get any worse," Lisa said, scoffing as the two of them made their way into the underground chamber. "First I have to deal with the dysfunctional leadership of the Last Hand, then my baby gets sick and now I have to spend my day in this musty room with the said dysfunctional leader. That's just rich!" She dropped herself on the metal cot by the wall. The same cot where they'd laid down Cathy that night.

Erik sighed. "None of this would've happened if you hadn't lost it at the prison."

Lisa went quiet and looked down at her hands on her lap. A look of shame was dawning upon her features. And it seemed like she was trying to hold back from letting it become a look of regret.

Erik shook his head and walked over the old bureau cabinet by the wall. He pulled out a small first aid kit from one of the drawers and took large chunks of cotton and cleaned his shoulder wound with a generous amount of peroxide. He slid the kit over to Lisa as he sat down in a foldable chair in the opposite corner of the room.

Lisa frowned at the first aid box. "Thanks," she said quietly as she used it.

"You think she was serious about shooting us if we tried to break the door?" Erik said.

Lisa pursed her lips. "She looked pretty pissed to me. I just hope Oriana is doing okay."

Erik raised an eyebrow. "That's the name you've decided for the baby?"

Lisa looked away and nodded. "It means sunrise in some language. Also, it sounds pretty."

"It does."

Lisa nodded.

There was a moment of silence as she tended to her wounded leg.

Erik was the one to break the quiet. "You really aren't gonna leave the Last Hand, are you?"

Lisa knit her eyebrows and ran her fingers through her hair. "You won't rest until you kick me out completely, will you?"

"It's not just a matter of what I think, Lisa," Erik said, "We aren't a small group anymore. What if other members find you dangerous to work alongside with? What if some more aggressive members get the wrong message from what you did at the prison? What if they start killing the powerless like you did at the prison? What if we become terrorists not just from the name that the government gives us but also by our actions?"

Lisa rubbed her eyes tiredly. "I feel like we are just running in circles here," she said, "We are having this same talk over and over. There are gonna be risks in what we are doing. People are going to die. We are trying to stop a war by waging another war. How do you think it is gonna turn out, Erik?"

"The deaths don't have to be needless. The deaths at the prison were needless. The operatives were all on their knees, surrendered, defeated. It was what we are calling it, Lisa–a massacre. You call it a war but you refuse to act like a warrior. You aren't a warrior, Lisa. You are a murderer."

#

Cathy was busy getting rid of the dirty diaper and made the baby wear a new one. The infant formula was an expired one. The kid had puked and then soiled herself. It was more than clear that it was food poisoning. Gemma's notes had suggested that one of the symptoms would be diarrhea.

That was bad news. Cathy wasn't sure how good she'd be at handling this on her own. She wasn't too well trained at changing diapers. Lisa had shown her how to do it just in case there would be a need for it. Still, doing this repeatedly would be a disaster. When she looked at her work on the baby girl, she didn't feel too impressed with herself.

But she pushed away that thought. She was already moving on to doing what Gemma's notes had said. Diarrhea and vomiting would mean that the baby is losing water. She would need to keep the child hydrated. She found the packet of electrolyte powder in the kitchen cabinet, made sure that it wasn't expired yet and mixed it in a glass of water and carried it upstairs to feed it to the baby.

The child was already crying by the time she arrived. She had soiled another diaper.

#

Lisa passed the first aid box back to Erik after she was done with dressing the wound on her leg. He finally decided to take care of the cut on his jaw.

The cut was long. The entire left side of his neck was sticky with all the blood that he had lost before it streamed down and soaked into his shirt. Lisa felt her chest tighten with guilt when she looked at the wound she'd given him.

And the guilt only seemed to get worse when she saw the difficulty he was having trying to dress the wound on his own.

"Stop," she said, "you can't see your own face without a mirror to patch that wound. Let me help." She got up to her feet. Her right leg stung a little with the effort.

Erik stared at her for a moment before shrugging, "Okay."

Lisa was about to limp closer to him when he stopped her and instead dragged his own chair near the cot and settled down in front of her. Lisa nodded and started to clean his wound.

Erik had barely any reaction to either her touch or the sting of the ointment on the bleeding cut. He sat quietly as Lisa did her job. She frowned at his nonchalance.

"Why did you do it?" she said as she was putting butterfly closures on his jaw to seal the wound. "You could've indeed crippled me if you wanted. Why did you let me hurt you?"

"I wanted to see how far you'd go," he said, "you didn't seem like the Lisa Neville I knew. You don't seem like the same person ever since the massacre."

Lisa's frown deepened. "You think I would've killed you if you'd let me?"

"Would you?"

Lisa stopped altogether and leaned back, staring at him in disbelief. "I wouldn't! Just because I did a thing that you all didn't like doesn't mean that I'm some monster who will kill anyone she sees!"

Erik leaned back in his chair as well. The gesture seemed more out of exhaustion rather than apprehension from the woman.

"So you do care about your fellow comrades?"

"Yes!" Lisa snapped. "I do! Even if I was attacking you like a lunatic upstairs, I still care about you. I just don't like the fact that you are pushing me off the team. I don't like that you helped me practice on the truck for so long only to kick me out!"

"Then why don't you just accept your mistake, Lisa?" He said. "Why don't you accept what you did was wrong?"

"Would you let me stay in the Last Hand if I do?"

"Only if you promise not to do it again."

Erik leaned in. He held out his hand towards her. "Can you make that promise, Lisa?"

#

The baby stopped soiling herself on the sixth diaper. Cathy breathed a sigh of relief but it was no time to rest. The child had gone unnervingly quiet. Her eyes seemed tired.

The poor thing was exhausted from dehydration. Cathy grabbed the glass of electrolyte solution and started to feed the baby, one spoon at a time.

How could Lisa be this careless? If Erik could really convince her to leave the Last Hand, then the child would finally get the attention she needs.

Isn't this what she was fighting for in the first place? To give this child a life. To give the baby a future. Isn't this what Dr. Neville would've wanted?

(But the question is, does Lisa still want it?)

Cathy looked down at Milo's skull. "Why wouldn't she? This is her baby!" She fed another spoon of electrolytes to the kid.

(It's just the cycle of nature. You create life, only to leave it behind)

"I think that cycle is supposed to last longer than a few weeks. The baby is barely a month old!"

(Lisa has felt the power now, Cat. The power to destroy her enemies in one fell swoop. The power to deal swift revenge. Anyone who has felt that power, hardly ever comes back)

"That's not how life works, Milo." Cathy fed another spoonful to the baby. "Life seeks other life. Just like Dr. Neville seeked us when he was wounded. Just like I seeked Lisa. Just like Lisa seeked this child. You can't make sense of it anymore, Milo, because you are already dead."

(Maybe you are right. Maybe my empty skull can't make any heads or tails out of it. But remember, while life seeks for other life, death is also seeking for life)

#

Lisa looked away, still gritting her teeth. "I can't make any promises. I don't see the operatives as people."

Erik leaned further towards her. "What's more important, Lisa? The revolution or killing the operatives?"

"Do you think one is going to be possible without another?" Lisa scoffed. "We built an army, Erik. We stole one of the strongest weapons from the military. You think we are just gonna breeze through a revolution without spilling any blood?"

Erik looked up at the roof once again. "There's no compromise in this situation for you, is there?"

"I won't try to avoid what is inevitable."

A moment of silence. And then Erik said. "That means I'll have to step down from the leadership."

Lisa looked at him. "Don't be foolish. You are the one who started this revolution. It will all fall apart without you."

"If me leaving is gonna stop you from needless mass murder then that's what I'll do." Erik shrugged. "We can just sit back and wait for the warring nations to blow each other up. We won't have to do anything to stop the war." He looked at her. "So I'm asking you again, are you going to make the necessary compromise or not?"

Lisa just glared at him.

#

It had been four hours since she sent the two of them underground. The baby didn't cry again. Neither did she soil her diaper. Cathy fed her two full glasses of electrolytes that she drank obediently. She napped once and woke up crying after she wet her diaper in her sleep.

Cathy changed the diaper and sang her to sleep again. The baby slept without any complaints this time. Fortunately, she hadn't come down with a fever. They were probably out of the woods now.

Cathy sighed in relief before gently putting the baby in the crib and left her to sleep. She went downstairs to get herself something to eat. There was a can of pickles and canned tomatoes in the pantry, a loaf of bread lay in the fridge. They had run out of the home made jelly.

She put the pickles and tomatoes on a slice of bread and bit into it. It tasted awful. But it was sustenance. Cathy struggled through the rest of her sandwich and washed it down with two glasses of water.

Her eyes wandered over to the pantry. She thought of the trapdoor in the floor. She couldn't hear Lisa or Erik fighting. She wondered what kind of agreement they'd come to in the end. She shrugged. She would soon find out.

She went back upstairs to be with the baby. Oriana, she thought as she looked at the child sleeping in her crib, a fancy name, I would say. "Ana," she gently touched the baby's cheek with a finger. The child seemed to nestle towards the touch.

Cathy smiled. But soon the expression seemed to fade. Here was someone who would grow up soon and learn what a war does to a nation. Little Ana would learn the meaning of death before she could understand the essence of life.

She would do it before she goes to a school and makes friends. She would go out in a gas mask and play hopscotch on a vacant lot desolated by a bomb. In her sleep she would hear the distant sound of gunfire when someone might be shooting down invading infected.

This is the life the child will know before she knows what it means to be a child. How would you feel then, Ana? Cathy thought to herself, would you feel betrayed by the world because it deprived you of the childhood you could have had?

(Do you feel betrayed, Cathy?)

Cathy shook her head and walked away from the crib. "I don't know." She stepped up to the window and looked down at the ashen yard below. "I do have distant memories of a childhood. Of a picnic from another life. And a funeral where I buried you with my dad."

(But you don't remember when you pulled me out of the earth. You don't remember what your mother was like. Do you still think about her?)

Cathy shook her head again. "I barely remember her face. I don't even remember what dad was like. All I remember is him asking me for a last hug, before I shot him down."

(And is that all you want to remember of your family? Just that they aren't alive anymore? Are you really okay with me being your last memory?)

Cathy didn't answer. She just gazed at the blackened earth and at the shriveled trees.

(Maybe some day you'll see where you came from, Cat. Maybe you'll remember what your past was.)

#

It must've been around evening, when Lisa looked at Erik and said, "I'm hungry. And I've also made my decision."

Just before Erik could say anything, the trapdoor opened. Cathy descended the steps with baby Ana in her arms. The child was crying.

"She is hungry, I think." She handed the baby to Lisa and went back upstairs without another word.

Erik was about to follow her when Lisa said, "Let her go, Erik." She had a rather shameful look on her face. "We all gave her a hard time today. She needs some rest."

Erik just nodded. "Right."

They let the girl go back to her room. No one bothered her the rest of the night.

###

Present day.

"What have you two decided?" Cathy said.

Lisa gazed at Oriana who was still playing with her rattle on the dining table.

Erik looked at Lisa. The woman wiped her hands on a napkin and leaned ahead. "I have a confession to make."

The clatter of cutlery stopped. All eyes turned to her. Even baby Ana perked up at the sudden silence. Lisa took a deep breath before she started speaking. "I won't try to justify what I did. Because there is no justification to what happened at the prison. But I, at least, want you all to know why I did it.

"I still blame the government for what happened to my husband. And I wanted to punish that government for their sins. I know it may not feel like a surprise but that was really all the reason I had to do it.Sitting there in that truck with the nation's strongest weapons at my fingertips, I couldn't see anything except what the government had done to me. All their uniforms and slogans and offices and laws all became one entity and I had to destroy it." Tears formed in her eyes. "That doesn't mean that I don't want to fight them with the Last Hand. This war isn't just my own. I...I want another chance...to be a part of the team again. I promise to not abuse my power again. I'll follow all the rules. Please don't make me leave..."

Cathy remained still for a minute before turning to Erik who was frowning deeply. He closed his eyes and heaved a sigh. "Lisa is going to stay."

Cathy raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? Even after that fight you had yesterday."

Erik groaned. "We've already lost an important part of the leadership. Watcher will execute his half of the plan soon. We can't keep cutting down on our core leadership. Lisa is going to stay and that's final."

Cathy shrugged. "You're the boss. I'm sure you know what you're doing." She went back to finishing her breakfast.

The rest of the day was uneventful, until the doorbell rang in the afternoon. Cathy went over to attend the door. A tall man with silver hair stood in the decontamination booth outside. There was a girl behind him who might've been around Cathy's age.

The silver haired man was wearing a grimy blazer and he looked like he hadn't slept in a long time. What Cathy found the most peculiar about the duo was that neither of them wore gas masks even though they were standing outside.

"Is Erik Koehlwin home?" said the silver haired man. "I would like to have a word with him." 

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