The water is scalding my back, but my bones refuse to warm up. I turn in the little shower cubicle to get my head under the shower spray when my ears pick up the noise of the telephone ringing.

I'm trying to hold my breath as long as I can before bursting out of the steady stream of water, sucking in a humid breath of air. Thankfully, the telephone is quiet now.

I know the birthday well-wishers mean no harm. But I don't feel like talking to anyone.

A round birthday!

Half a century!

Lockdown restrictions a distant memory!

The telephone has been ringing off the hook, WhatsApp messages coming in from all over the place; even the doorbell is doing overtime today.

Once I'm out of the shower, I'll have to plaster on a smile and pretend that the big fat five oh is a medal awarded by life itself.

When my fingers resemble shrivelled-up prunes, I leave my wet sanctuary.

Looking up, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I seize the moment and practice a smile.

Not bad!

But my mind, despite my protestations, takes me back to the birthdays of the past. The family would gather; Mum would cook her famous spicy ribs dish and Aunt Vicky would provide the salad. My father, my granddad and my uncle would drink beer; my mother, her mother and my aunties wine. As we grew older, we started to join the respective beer and wine corners of the big living room table, with the men usually ending up legless first, then asleep and the women giggling like schoolgirls, then falling asleep themselves.

Today, none of them would join my party. Death and illness have torn the table apart.

I stifle a sob and wish I could crawl into bed.

"Are you nearly ready, Mum? Mara's baby is going to beat you to it if you take much longer!"

My cheeky younger daughter and my very pregnant older daughter must have arrived while I was hiding in the shower, their partners in tow, no doubt. My mind shifts to last year's birthday. Corona restrictions made a real party impossible, but the BBQ in the garden with hubby, Mara and Casey and their partners was lovely. Now there is a new addition to future birthdays on the way.

My mind suddenly looking forward to what the future holds, I shout back, "Be down in a minute! Hope you have the presents ready!"

A silly smile spreads across my cheeks. I slip into my trousers and head towards my family.

"If anyone says anything about me looking good for my age, I'll throw the spicy ribs into their faces!" I mock-threaten, then pull everyone in for a group hug.