"It's over between us."

Masakit para sa akin na bitiwan ang mga salita, pero alam kong kailangan ko 'tong gawin para sa sarili ko, at para na rin sa pamilya ko.

Unti-unti akong nag-angat ng tingin kay Jethro at parang nadurog ang puso ko nang makitang luhaan na ang walang emosyon niyang mukha. Ito ang unang pagkakataon na makita siyang umiyak. 

Sobrang sakit para sa akin dahil alam kong ako ang dahilan ng mga luha niya. Gusto ko siyang yakapin nang mahigpit at bawiin ang lahat ng mga salitang bitiwan ko pero pilit kong pinigilan ang sarili ko. 

Kailangan ko 'to. Mahal ko siya pero kailangan kong gawin 'to. 

Scared to cave on my feelings for him, I wiped my tears and quickly walked away. Before I could even reach the door, I suddenly felt his arms wrap around me, pulling me into a tight embrace from the back.

He didn't say anything. He just held me tight, like he doesn't ever want to let go of me. I can hear his heavy breathing, and I can feel his hot tears drop down my skin. 

I gasped at his touch, my tears still falling profusely.

I looked down and saw his trembling hands clasped together above my waist. With my own trembling hand, I tried to pry away his, but his hold only got even tighter. 

I bit my lips, shaking my head. I can't let this go any further. I shouldn't.

"I want to be free to live my own life and I can't do it when I'm here, with you. Kung ikaw, kaya mong mabuhay na sunod-sunuran sa papa mo, ako hindi. I can't be a Filimon so please, let me go." I cried. "Jethro, sorry. Hindi ko talaga kaya. Sorry."

Naramdaman ko ang desperasyon sa kanyang pag-iling. "I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you. Let me fix this. I can fix this. Please. I'm sorry. It's not over. We're not over. Aayusin ko. Itatama ko. Gagawa ako ng paraan."

Gusto kong maniwala sa kanya pero kilala ko siya. Kilalang kilala ko siya pagdating sa mga magulang niya. 

I looked up at the ceiling, clenching my jaw while sobbing hard. "I want to go home."

Tumango-tango siya at naramdaman ko ang pagluwag ng hawak siya sa'kin.

"I'm sorry... I'll make it up to you. It's not over," he repeated in a shaky voice, his breathing just as ragged as mine. "Ihahatid na kita."

My heart feels like its being ripped to shreds while sitting right next to Jethro. Kapwa kami tahimik sa loob ng sasakyan, walang kibuan o tinginan. Sa kabila nito, rinig ko ang kapwa namin mabigat na paghinga. 

Hawak niya ang kamay kong nakapatong sa ibabaw ng hita ko. Hindi ko siya magawang hawakan pabalik pero hindi ko rin ito mawakli. Ipagpilitan ko mang ayaw ko na, hinding-hindi ko pa rin ipagkakailang mahal na mahal ko siya.

Nang ihinto niya ang sasakyan sa labas ng bahay, agad kong kinalas ang seatbelt ko. Lalabas na sana ako nang muli niyang hinawakan ang kamay ko.

Napatingin ako sa kanya at lubos ko itong pinagsisihan dahil nakita ko na naman ang lumuluha niyang mga matang nakatingin na sa akin. 

"Do you still love me?" he asked.

I nodded. "But it's not enough for me to stay."

He closed his eyes, kissing my trembling hand. "I'll make it up to you, just please give me another chance."

"A-ang gusto ko..." I choked back tears. "Gusto kong magkaroon ka ng sariling opinyon sa mga bagay. Hindi 'yong sumasabay at sumasang-ayon ka lang sa lahat ng mga sinasabi ng Daddy mo--"

"Silver, that's not true." Umiling-iling siya. "I have my own--"

"That's not how it looks like to me." It was my turn to cut him off. "We're supposed to be partners, Jethro. We should have each other's backs. I'm not asking you to turn a blind eye when I do foolish things, I'm asking you to call me out with discretion. Minsan din, sana isipin mo kung ano ang gusto ko, hindi 'yong kung ano ang sa tingin mong tama para sa'kin. Kailangan mong maintindihan na hindi sa lahat ng oras ikaw ang tama at ikaw ang masusunod."

"Silver..." He looked at me with tears in his eyes.

I chuckled bitterly. "Kung lagi mong ipagpipilitan sa akin kung ano ang dapat kong gawin sa buhay ko, sana ginawa na lang kitang  life coach at hindi boyfriend."

I took a deep breath and wiped my tears again, facing the dashboard.

Naging tahimik ulit sa loob ng sasakyan. Wala sa amin ang nagkibuan, hanggang sa muli siyang nagsalita, "does this mean we're okay?"

I looked at him again with a faint smile on my face. "I need some time off."

He lowered his head down while looking at me straight in the eyes, desperation written over his face. 

"I need some time to breathe. Maybe a few days," I declared as I wiped my tears.

I turned my face to the side of the window and was surprised to see Reika walking towards the car. Natakot ako agad sa magiging reakskyon ni Reika kapag nakita niya akong umiiyak kasama si Jethro.

"You have to leave now. Drive safe." I took a deep breath and wiped my tears again. 

Lumabas ako nang hindi lumilingon at agad na sinalubong si Reika. She looked worried and panicked. "Slade and your parents are arguing again. Mom and Dad can't defuse the... why in the world are you crying again?"

Her eyebrows furrowed as she craned her neck to look at Jethro's direction. "Ano na namang ginawa--"

Mabilis kong hinila si Reika papasok sa bahay bago pa man niya sugurin si Jethro. Pagpasok namin sa sala, naabutan ko si Tito Rico na karga ang umiiyak na si Drummer.

"Prepare for battle." Tito Rico chuckled and pointed to the kitchen's direction.

"You have a sick sense of humor, Dad!" saway ni Reika sa tatay niya dahilan para agad itong mapangiwi.

Mabilis akong dumiretso sa kusina at doon ay naabutan ko sina Mommy at Daddy na nasa mesa; si Tita Abbey ay nakatayo malapit sa counter; at si Slade naman ay palakad-lakad habang sapo ang noo.

"Bakit ba ayaw mo kay Jethro?" Natatawang tanong ni Mommy.

"Hindi sa ayoko pero hindi kasi tama 'tong ginagawa n'yo!" Slade argued, frustration written over his face.

"Anak, if you feel like you're being replaced in your sister's life--"

"Mom! It's not about that!" giit muli ni Slade sabay kamot nang marahas sa ulo niya. "You are chaining yourselves to the Filimons! You are chaining Silver to them! What if they break up? What's going to happen then?"

"Son, you're overthinking it!" Dad countered and sighed. "Besides, we all know where Silver and Jethro's relationship will lead. At least ngayon pa lang, naayos na namin ang partnership ng mga Filimon at Villafranca. Para rin kay Silver 'to."

I clenched my fists and walked towards them, trying to keep myself together even if deep inside I'm already in pieces.

They all looked at me, taken aback by my presence because they were too far gone with their argument.

"Jethro and I are over. I'm sorry but you have to cut all your ties with the Filimons. I will pay back any legal fees, should there be--"

Mom and Dad both let out a loud sigh of relief, shocking all of us. Dad looked up, punching the air triumphantly. Mom, on the other hand, closed her eyes shut with a big smile on her face. Slade, Reika, Tita Abbey, and I could only look at each other in confusion.

"Oh God, sorry!" bawi agad ni Mommy sabay kiling ng kanyang ulo at mabilis na siniko si Daddy.

"Sorry!" bawi rin ni Daddy sabay ayos ng upo. 

Tita Abbey cleared her throat and glared at my parents. Hindi ko na maintindihan ang nangyayari at hindi nakatulong ang reaksyon nila sa nararamdaman ko. 

I swallowed hard and turned around, running up to our room. I heard them calling me out but I quickly locked the door and lied on my bed, crying my eyes out.

***

"Silver, breakfast is ready."

Mom's voice from the other side of the door snapped me out of my reverie. Napatingin ako sa direksyon ng bintana at nakita ang liwanag na sumisilip mula sa bintana. 

"Silver?" Mom called out my name again, knocking on the door.

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, turning to the other side of my bed, facing the cold white wall. Maybe if I sleep and wake up again, it won't hurt this bad anymore. 

"Anak, I know I haven't been the best Mother to you and Slade, but please know that you can always confide in me. I'm always here to listen."

I opened my eyes when I heard my Mother's voice. Ni hindi ko namalayan ang pagbukas niya ng pinto o ang pag-upo niya sa paanan ng kama.

I took a deep breath and nodded without turning to look at her.

"I'm okay. It's all--" A sob escaped my mouth and I found myself crying once again.

"Just let it out, sweetie. Just let it out." Mom started rubbing my back, her loving touch making my cry even more. 

Umiyak lang ako nang umiyak hanggang sa natagpuan ko ang sarili kong nakaupo at nakayakap na kay Mommy. Inaalo niya ako na parang bata at kahit papaano ay nakaramdam ako ng ginahawa sa mga kamay niya.

"I'm sorry..." My voice came our hoarse and weak.

"For what?" Mom chuckled.

"For all the times I resented you and Dad." I cried once again, realizing that all this time I was trying to rebel against my parents' wishes only to end up being an obedient doll to the Filimons.

Mom let out a soft laugh, planting a kiss just above my nose. "Your Father and I made a lot of mistakes as well, but trust me when I say that we are trying our best to make up for everything. Kaya kayong dalawa ni Slade, kapag may sarili na kayong mga pamilya, 'wag ninyong uulitin ang mga naging pagkakamali namin."

I bit my lip. 

All this time, I didn't really entertain the thought of having my own family because deep down I have always been afraid of getting tied to the influence and power of the Filimons. And it's not like I can see myself spending the rest of my life with another man either.

"Now tell me." Mom chuckled, slapping my leg jokingly. "What happened? Why did you break up?"

Bumitiw ako mula sa yakap namin at nanatiling nakaharap sa kanya. Umiling ako kasabay ng muli na namang pagragasa ng mga luha ko. "I just can't..."

"Can't what?" Mom asked in a worried and soft tone. 

"I can't be a Filimon. I can't be like Tita Janice." I wiped my tears with my trembling hands. "I love Jethro and I know that he loves me but I'm not sure if I'll be happy spending the rest of my life as a Filimon."

Tumango-tango si Mommy at saka bumuntong-hininga. "I see."

"I actually dreaded for this moment..." Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya, nangangatog ang mga labi. "I was always scared that you'd be disappointed if Jethro and I would break up. B-but your reaction..."

Umiling-iling si Mommy habang may maliit na ngiti sa kanyang labi. "Your Dad and I, we saw how happy you were with Jethro. And as I told you, your Dad and I are trying to be better parents to you and Slade. We're sorry for all the times we made you dread and cry, that is why no matter what happens, whatever your decision will be, we will always support you."

"Mom..." Naiyak ako ulit. Hindi ko maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko, kung lungkot ba ito o tuwa. Masisiraan na yata ako ng bait.

Inayos ni Mommy ang buhok na humarang na sa luhaan kong mukha. Sinuklay niya pa ang buhok ko gamit ang mga daliri niya. "We've introduced you to countless boys but I never saw you become interested in one before. Noong una nga, akala namin ng Daddy mo na babae ang gusto mo. It was either CJ or Reika, so imagine our surprise when you introduced Jethro to us as your boyfriend."

Bumalik bigla sa alaala ko ang mga panahong walang ibang nakakaalam tungkol sa aming dalawa. We were both so free and happy then.

"If we're being honest, we don't like Jethro for you, but because we can see how happy you are with him, we decided to support you in every way we could. Bilang pambawi na rin sa mga pagkukulang namin." Mom wiped my tears.

"Y-you don't like Jethro?" I asked.

"What matters is how you feel for him." She insisted. "Do you still love that boy?"

Tumango ako. 

"Does he still love you?" she asked.

Tumango ulit ako. 

"Do you still feel that he loves you? Remember, Silver, actions speak louder than words."

Walang pagdadawalang-isip akong tumango. "Wala naman pong nagbago. We love each other."

"Then how about you give that boy another chance to make things right?"

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Jethro kept asking me for another chance last night but I didn't even listen to him and just insisted to break up. 

"Reika, told me na magpa-practice lang naman kayo ng graduation program ngayon. Dito ka na lang muna at magpahinga. You can also use the time to think things through; if Jethro deserves a second chance to make things right or not."

Tumayo si Mommy at marahang tinapik ang pisngi ko. "Whatever your decision will be, we will support you all the way."

Sinundan ko si Mommy ng tingin hanggang sa makarating siya sa pinto. Doon lang ako ulit nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob para magsalita.

"Why don't you like Jethro for me?" I asked.

Mom smiled. "We like Jethro, not his surname. Whatever our reason is, it's your heart that matters."

****

Dis-oras ng gabi, natagpuan ko ang sarili ko sa loob ng isang taxi. Wala na akong pakialam kahit na naka-pajama at oversized t-shirt lang ako; kahit sobrang gulo ng buhok ko at namamaga pa ang mga mata ko dahil sa buong araw at gabi kong pag-iyak.

Pagdating sa building, pinatuloy agad ako ng staff dahil halos lahat sila ay kilala na ako.

Nang makarating sa pinto ng unit niya. Huminga ako nang malalim at mariing napakagat ng labi ko. Determinado akong kumatok kahit pa may kaunti pang mga paruparo sa tiyan ko. 

Makaraan ang ilang katok, mabilis na bumukas ang pinto at bumungad sa harapan ko si Jethro na magulo ang buhok at namamaga rin ang mga mata gaya ko. Sa kabila ng tamlay, napansin ko ang gulat sa mga mata niya.

"S-Silver?" He spoke in almost a whisper.

Mabilis akong pumasok at nilagpasan siya. Binagsak ko sa sofa ang dala kong jacket at muling bumuntong-hininga. Narinig ko ang pagsara niya ng pinto at paghakbang niya papalapit sa akin.

Humarap ako sa kanya, taas-noo at pilit na pinipigilan ang mga luha.

I heeded my Mother's advice, and this is me listening to my heart.

"One chance, Filimon. Just one chance. Don't make me regret this because I swear, even if I still love you, I will leave you. You know me--"

Hindi ko na natapos pa ang sinasabi ko nang bigla na lamang akong nilapitan ni Jethro at sinunggaban ng malalim na halik. Naramdaman ko ang pagmamahal at pangungulila sa bawat galaw ng labi niya. 

Yumakap sa bewang ko ang mga kamay niyang marahang humahaplos sa akin. Hindi ko naman mapigilang mapakapit nang mahigpit sa mga balikat niya. Para nang matutunaw ang mga paa ko sa bawat halik niyang sinusubukan kong sagutin.

Kapwa kami humahangos nang maghiwalay ang mga labi namin. 

Isinandal niya ang noo sa akin at marahang sinapo ang pisngi ko. Habang nakatitig sa mga mata ko, ngumiti siya kasabay ng muling pamumuo ng luha sa mga mata niya.

"I have something to show you."

Bago pa man ako makapagsalilta, hinila niya ako sa kamay at giniya papasok sa kwarto niya. Naguguluhan man, humawak ako pabalik sa kamay niya at sumunod.

Lumapit kami sa desk na katabi ng bintanang natatakpan ng kulay puting blinds. Nakalatag sa desk ang iilang papel at isang clear book. Tila ba nasa kalagitnaan si Jethro ng pag-oorganize ng mga dokumento nang dumating ako.

"I haven't printed everything yet but these are some of the foundations I found all over the Philippines. Wala iyong foundation na first choice mo pero kung gusto mo iyon, gagawa ako ng paraan. Kung gusto mo, syempre."

Isa-isa kong tiningnan ang mga dokumento at nagulat ako nang mapagtantong tungkol ito sa iba't ibang mga medical foundation sa mga liblib na parte ng bansa - mayroong patungkol sa mga mobile hospital, ship hospital, barrio services, kahit mga hospice at orphanage. May mga review centers din na pwede kong pasukan, lahat ay konektado sa mga foundation.

"A-ano 'to?" Naguguluhan man, hindi ko mapigilang ngumiti. My heart is welling up in happiness seeing that he's helping me with my dreams.

"A brand new start." He smiled. "Kung okay lang sa'yo, gusto ko ring sumama. I checked and they're in need of volunteer security detail, too. I volunteered at Red Cross in my high school days as well."

The smile left my face. "Paano ang mga magulang mo kung sasama ka?"

"They'll be fine without me. Mom will understand. She always does." Jethro shrugged.

"And your Dad?" I raised an eyebrow as I looked up at him.

He cupped my face and looked at me with hopeful eyes. "We will be free to live our own lives outside Filimon Heights. No orders to follow, parents to impress, or reputation to uphold. We will start anew, just you and me."

My eyes welled in tears. I had to bite my lower lip to stop it from smiling. "Ito ba talaga ang gusto mo? Magsabi ka ng totoo."

He nodded with a confident smile. "I spent my entire life trying to be a good son to my family. I followed every order and did everything that they wanted me to. I also spent so many years trying to protect my friends from having their lives destroyed. For the first time in my life, I'm going to do something for myself, and that's to live my own life, with you by my side. Besides, I'm going to help other people through any of these foundations. It's a win-win. I'll be living the dream."

"Jethro..." I could only cry.

"I just want to live the rest of my life with you, and if you let me, we can settle down anywhere you want. Of course, we'll visit Filimon Heights every now and then, so Reika won't kill us," he said, flashing the sweetest smile that has always been the death of me. "Nothing else would matter as long as we're together."

"I totally agree with the Reika thing but double kill on your part dahil may Slade pa." I nodded jokingly.

I grabbed a hold of his cheeks and reached to kiss him. I was just so happy that finally, we're at the same page.

He was quick to answer my kisses, but unlike before, I felt like he was making me lead this time. Next thing I know, he was already lying in bed, with me on top of him, our lips touching senselessly while his hands are inside my shirt. I kept trying to hold my moaning but it became too difficult when one of his hands slid inside down my pajama.

I could feel him underneath me and it's making me burn even more. He must have sensed that I was growing weak, so he shifted our positions, with him now on top of me.

"Puchangama ka, Filimon." Mariin akong napapikit at napasinghap. Ibinaon ko ang mukha ko sa leeg niya.

"You haven't answered my question." He whispered in my ear, his motion continuing to engulf me in flames.

My mind was all over the place at the foreign sensation but I tried to listen to his voice. "Ha?"

"You and me, settling down away from here. Living our own lives. Living the dream," he said.

Napahampas ako sa matigas niyang dibdib. "Puchangama! Would I let you go this far if it's not a yes?"

He chuckled, tilting his head to reach for my lips. "After your graduation, we're out of here then."

Tumango ako at ngumiti. That's the dream.

|end of 61 - thank you |