Chapter 4: I'm Not Even Capable of Loving Him

Songs for this chapter:
Let it Go- James Bay
When I Look At You- Miley Cryus
Welcome to My Life- Simple Plan
Stand By You- Rachel Platten
Carry You- Union J
Us Against the World- Westlife

Peytons POV

He won't stop calling, it's been almost a week and he's annoying the shit out of me. I feel like we were in a real relationship and he's being the clingy ex boyfriend who won't accept the break up. The worst part is that he's not even being secretive about it.

Sophie has been asking questions since he came up to me at school on Tuesday. I've been avoiding her as much as possible but it's hard to avoid the person you live with. I've been eating off campus by myself all week and I'm glad it's Friday. I have a dance competition this weekend so I'll be busy with that which will make avoiding Sophie easy.

I'm sitting at Starbucks working on my dance history paper when I hear Sophie and Derek walk in screaming at each other. Great this is just going to be great.

"What do you mean you've been sleeping with her?" Oh my god he told her. I put my head down on my arm and move my laptop in front of me hoping that they won't see me. Of course I'm not that lucky.

"Would you like to explain to me what the hell he's talking about?" Sophie has gotten the attention of the entire restaurant as she moves my laptop and sits down across from me.

"I don't know what either of you are talking about." I give them both my best confused look. I know neither of them will buy it but it's worth a shot.

"Yes you do we slept together on Saturday and then you've been acting like I don't exist since." There is definitely hurt on his face.

"She's been doing the same to me don't feel sorry for yourself you're not her best friend." Sophie looked even more hurt.

"Some best friend you are you didn't even know that we've been hooking up for the past 6 months." Okay nobody is gonna talk to Sophie like that.

"Derek you need to leave now what ever we had its done it's been done for the past week I thought you could take a hint but apparently you can't so I'll say it now leave me the hell alone I'm done with you." I knew as I was saying this that it was more than just sex for him. He was crushed and the hurt was written all over his face.

"You know what Peyton screw you. I was actually falling in love with you but you've done nothing but treat me like shit the entire time, I figured maybe it was because of these walls that you have built up but the truth is that your never gonna let anyone in. Your gonna be alone for the rest of your life I hope your happy with that." He walked out of the restaurant and I didn't even attempt to stop him. Stopping him would mean I care and I don't care at all but he is right about one thing, I'm going to end up alone because I'll never be able to let anyone in like I should.

"P please tell me what's been going on I know I've been a horrible friend lately but please just talk to me." I hate seeing my best friend hurt like this she does not deserve this and I don't deserve to have her as a best friend.

"Soph you have never been a horrible friend you are the best friend in the world its me that's always a horrible friend. I know I don't deserve a friend like you but I'm to selfish and I need you in my life. You are the one person that knows every thing about my life and hasn't left I don't want to screw that up so I'm sorry how I've been acting this past week, hell I'm sorry for how I've been these past 5 years I just don't know how to handle things sometimes."

"P I know you're messed up and you have these walls that protect you from the outside world but we have been friends since we were 3 and if you can't even let me in how are you ever gonna let anyone in? I love you no matter what and I'd never judge you about anything and I'm not saying that you have to talk but if you want to I'm here okay."

"Soph you know I trust you with my life so trust has nothing to do with me not telling you." I don't want her to ever think that I don't trust her I may have trust issues with everyone else but she has never done anything that would make me even question her loyalty.

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"Because if I told you, you would tell me that it was wrong and you would have tried to talk me out of it and most likely you would have succeeded and I didn't want to stop, it was an escape for me to forget about everything. I liked that I could have sex without any feelings being involved, it was nothing but sex and I liked it that way. I know it's so messed up but I think it was some sort of coping mechanism for me."

"But there were feelings involved?"

"From him yes, I realized it on Saturday that's why I've been avoiding him all week."

"And why have you been avoiding me?"

"Because I didn't want you to find out and look at me the way you're looking at me right now."

"P I'm just worried about you."

"I know you are but I'm fine."

"You are always fine Peyton that's the problem I don't want you to just be fine I want you to actually be happy again. They say time heals all wounds but this one is just getting worse with time. I thought you were doing better but after last weekend I was afraid that you went back to shutting everyone out. That's why I was so worried about you ignoring me I thought it was going to happen again."

The 'it' she is referring to is the few times I've tried killing myself. The first time was a few months after Aaron died, I was in a downward spiral and took a bunch of pills but it was only enough for them to have to pump my stomach not actually to kill me. The other 2 times were both with pills as well but I didn't take enough to do that much damage. In a sense I knew that I hadn't taken enough to kill myself and I don't think I actually wanted to die, at least not the two last times, I did it because I wanted the pain to go away.

It's been 2 years since I last tried to commit suicide and I hope that I never feel that low again. I know I'm not in a great place now but it's not nearly as bad as it was then. The only thing that has kept me a little bit sane is the thought that Aaron would not want me to be like that and Sophie has helped of course.

Some days I wish that I could be like my brothers and sisters and actually be able to get over his death and move on with my life but then I remember how much closer I was to him and I never want to lose that. I know they don't even think about him most days they just live their lives like he was another stranger that died. Maybe that's why I can't let go of this because I'm afraid that I will forget about him.

"Soph you don't have to worry about that I'm in a better place now I know it doesn't always seem like it but I am. Friday night I actually had fun and I was laughing for real and it felt good it really did."

"Then what happened this week? I feel like you always take two small steps forward and 10 steps backwards."

"Monday it will be 5 years and I feel like nobody cares about it and it hurts because they should remember him he was our brother and he doesn't deserve to just have his family forget about him."

"P no one has forgotten about him I can promise you that you just need to find closure and acceptance. I know it's hard to face the truth but lieing about it and saying that he's in Europe is not healthy."

"You want me to start telling people the truth?"

"If you want but what I meant was that you need to tell yourself the truth."

"Have you been talking to Sara?"

"She may have called a few days ago asking how you were doing. You really need to call her she's worried she said she's been calling you but you ignore her every time."

"I called her Friday night while I was crying in the bathroom and talked to her for a little but then she told me I needed to get over Aaron's death and that pissed me off so I hung up." I wasn't really mad at Sarah because I know she's just trying to help but the way she said those things Friday night really did piss me off.

"What happened Friday night?"

I told her the whole story about what happened with Theo and how he reminded me of Aaron. I told her how he was obnoxiously adamant to impress me and get me to like him. I thought about leaving out the part where I was a complete bitch to him but this is Sophie I'm talking to I couldn't lie to her even if I wanted to so I ended up telling her and she didn't sound surprised at all.

"Have you talked to him since?"

"No he's just another person I've been avoiding I know I need to talk to him so I can find out what really happened that night but honestly I don't know if I want to know."

"You really think it's that bad?"

"Well considering how much of a bitch I was to him sober I can only imagine how mean I was when I was completely drunk."

"Call him Peyton but first call your sister I don't want you to ruin your relationship with her it's finally good after all these years and I know it means the world to you even if you don't always act like it."

"Okay I will when I get home." I'm not sure which conversation I was dreading more but I knew for a fact that I had to work this out with my sister. We have came such a long way in these past 5 years and I can't start pushing her away now.

...

I knew that by the time I got home from school it would be late in Paris and Sarah would probably be asleep but I at least had to reach out to her. Much to my surprise she answered on the third ring.

"It's about damn time you call me back."

"I know I'm sorry I've been thinking about a lot this week I didn't mean to push you away."

"Honey I'm not going anywhere even if you shoved me I'd stay put I'm not that teenager that terrorized you anymore. You are my sister and I'd never do anything to hurt you again okay." Coming from Sarah these words meant everything to me, Sophie was right I do value my relationship with Sarah more than I let on.

"Sarah I know I don't say this nearly enough or at all for that matter but thank you for everything that you have done in the past few years."

"P your welcome and I think your finally starting to realize that people do care about you."

"Yea I think so to." I've always know that people have cared I just never thought they cared enough to be trusted or to stay with me. That's why I don't let myself care about anyone because as soon as I get close to them they leave.

We talk for another hour about her upcoming fashion show. I am so proud of her, back when we hated each other I was so jealous of how much talent she had but now I'm just so happy that she loves what she's good at.

After we hang up I move on to apology number three for the day.

"Hello?" His voice is raspy and I can tell that I woke him up. I love it when guys sound like that it's so damn sexy. Okay Peyton calm down I can not date this guy, I mean I guess I could, no wait I can't no relationship until I get myself in a better place. Dammit I almost forgot he was still on the phone.

"Um.. Yea... I mean hi." O god what is wrong with me?

"Peyton?" He didn't even know it was me he really was out of it to not look at his phone or maybe he deleted my number.

"Yea hi sorry did I wake you up? I can call you back later."

"I was sleeping but it's fine it's to early to be sleeping anyways." He was right it was only 6 in the afternoon on a Friday.

"Would you maybe wanna go get some ice cream?" I was craving ice cream and I really needed to talk to him face to face besides dinner would be to much like a date.

"Ice cream? Is this your way of asking me out on a date?"

"No it's just ice cream not a date how far away do you live?"

"Well that depends where do you live?"

"Oh hah I forgot you don't know where I live in Valencia it's about an hour north of Hollywood."

"Okay I live about 40 mins from from you wanna meet somewhere in the middle?"

"Yea that sounds great let's see Santa Clarita is about 20 mins away hold on let me see if there's any ice cream shops near there... Oh wait we can go to Farrell's Ice Cream Parlour I haven't been there since I was little my aunt used to take us all the time."

"Okay is 7 good for you?"

"Yes sounds great."

"Oh and Peyton?"

"Yes Theo."

"This is so a date." I could tell that he was smiling on the other end of the phone and that just made me smile even more. If he wants to pretend it's a date fine I'll play along.

"Whatever Theo I'll see you at 7." I hang up and as I'm getting ready I can't seem to get the stupid smile off my face. I know all I want is for Theo and me to be friends but I mean why wouldn't I be happy, I'm going to get ice cream with Theo James how awesome is that.

"Soph I'm going to get ice cream with Theo I'll be back later."

"Wait your going out with him?"

"No it's just ice cream as friends that is all."

"Does he know that."

"Yes he does." Well he kind of does.

Twenty minutes later I'm sitting in the parking lot waiting until the clock reads 7:05 so I can go in. I don't want to seem to eager to get there even though I got here 10 minutes early. Why am I so excited about this?

Finally I can go in. I see him sitting in the corner booth as I walk in. He's just as hot as I remember.

"Hey sorry I'm late."

"You weren't late you were sitting out in your car for the past 15 mins." Dammit how did he know that? "I saw you pull in, after you didn't come in I figured you were just being normal Peyton for some reason." He was smirking at me, I'm not one to get embarrassed but well this is a bit awkward.

"Well this embarrassing."

"Don't be embarrassed. Were you nervous about coming in here?"

"Not exactly nervous I just okay look I can't remember what happened at the party Friday night and I was just worried that I said something to hurt you."

"You were worried about my feelings?"

"Yes just because I don't want to date you doesn't mean that I don't care about you. You get me in some weird way that I can't understand and I can see us being good friends."

"I'd like that, being friends with you sounds like a good idea, honestly I don't think I could handle dating you." Ouch.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Let's see how do I explain this, you're a bit of a firecracker, you seem like this good girl who has everything figured out but then you go do something absolutely crazy and that brings out your wild side, and then on top of all that you know exactly how to get what you want and your not afraid of breaking a few hearts along the way. I guess what I'm trying to say is your dangerous."

"Wow you got all of that from one night?"

"I told you that I know you."

"So will you tell me what happened Friday night? Sophie said that you just left I know I did something I just don't know what it was."

"It was nothing, it doesn't matter now."

"Theo please."

"Fine this is embarrassing, I told you that one day I would get you to fall madly in love with me."

"And what did I say?"

"You said that would never happen because the only guy you were capable of loving is Louis not that I know who that is."

"Louis Tomlinson 1/5 of One Direction, I really was drunk wow, but don't take it personally I'm not even capable of loving him, and not just because he has no idea that I exist."

"Why do you shut people out so much? You pretend that you have a heart of of stone but I can't believe that that's true."

"I don't have a heart of stone if I did I wouldn't be here I just can't love people the way they need to be loved. It's really hard to explain and I'm not going to even try to explain in because there's a lot of stuff that goes along with it that barely anyone knows so please don't try to get it out."

"I won't push you don't worry I'm not that guy just know if you ever wanna talk I'm here."

"Thank you that means a lot I think this is going to be a beautiful friendship.

We sit there for hours talking about all of the simple things in life. He makes it really easy to talk to him and I actually find myself laughing at his jokes. Theo James could not have come into my life at a better time. This is exactly what I needed and for the first time in 5 years I actually see my life headed in a positive direction. I know I still have a long way to go but this is a start. I can only hope that today is the first among many, I say hope because I know what's only 2 days away.

Louis POV

It's been three days since Eleanor left Japan and we have barely talked since. We always send the good morning text, then through out the day we create an ongoing conversation about how are day is going and then end it with a good night text. It's always the same with her, that's how its been for the past 4 years and I'm getting so bored. Its not just with her though I feel like I am living a very boring life. Stupid for a guy that is living the dream life to say but it's the truth.

I know it's not only me either, Zayn and I have discussed it a bit. I don't think he will be in the band after this year and I'm not sure what that could mean for the rest of us. I definitely don't want to leave the band, I love the guys like their my brothers and I could never let the fans down but every once in a while I find my self thinking about what I could do if we got a break.

Liam and I are sitting in the hotel room working on a song for the next album when my phone rings.

"Hey El whats up?

"Hey we need to talk but I want it to be face to face so can you get on skype anytime soon?"

"Yea of course, I'm going to my room now I'll call you in a few minutes." For some reason I have a bad feeling about this conversation. I hang up and get a weird look from Liam.

"You have been dating Eleanor for almost 4 years and she doesn't even have a personal ringtone that's sad bro."

"You have one for Nicole?

"Yes of course, she picked it out like the first week we were together."

"Well El never did anything like that." I never thought it was weird until now but now that I'm thinking about it maybe our entire relationship is a bit messed up. I shrug my shoulders, mainly because I'm confused about the thoughts going on in my head, and walk out of the room. I know this is probably it, this will probably be the end conversation. It needs to be done though, I know I'm not the only one feeling like this and she doesn't deserve to be hurt over and over again. 

I took my time making it back to my room. I knew this conversation was inevitable but that didn't mean I wanted to have it. That being said I know what has to be done, El and I have to break up.

I never thought I would think that, granted I never actually planned a future with her but I always thought that she would be the one I would end up with. It was easy with her, the distance never really bothered either of us and we got along great. Looking back now I can't help but think how our whole relationship seemed fake.

We labeled ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend but we never missed each other as much as we should, we never fought about anything and we didn't talk about the important stuff because we didn't want to cause a fight. Everyone thinks that we are serious about each other and I used to think we were but now I'm not so sure.

"Well time to get this over with." I say to myself as I turn on my laptop and get on Skype. She answers right away.

"Hey" I can tell she's been crying and I'm starting to think something is wrong and this wasn't a break up call.

"Hey, are you okay?" This is the part that makes a long distance relationship hard. I want to comfort her but it's hard when you have a computer screen between you. Unfortunately that's not the only thing between us.

"I don't know Lou," she's silent for a minute but I wait for her to continue, "what are we doing?" This girl really doesn't waste any time.

"I don't know El." I know she wants more from me but I just don't know what to say.

"Well we need to figure it out because I can't keep doing this."

"I don't know what you except me to do about it."

"Lou you expect me to give up my whole life to be with you I can't do that anymore."

"What are you talking about I've never asked you to give up your whole life I wouldn't want you to do that."

"I know you have never asked me but that's the only way it's ever going to work with us."

"Well what do you want me to do about it El tell me what you want to do?"

"Well tell me what your thinking? Please I want you to give me a reason of why we should make this work. I want you to actually fight for me for once." I've never made El cry but knowing that she is crying because of me makes me feel like shit. I have to do this though she deserves to be happy. She deserves to be with someone who can be there all the time and give her what I can't.

"El I think that we were great together at one point in our relationship but somewhere along the line we lost who we were and became unhappy. I don't think neither of us fought hard enough for this relationship and as much as it hurts to say this we don't belong together." That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I may be a guy and I know that I sound like a girl right now but when your with someone for almost 4 years there's going to be emotion when you break up with them.

"Your not happy either?"

"I've tried my hardest to be and to make this work but no I'm not and you deserve to be with someone that can make you happy."

"You deserve that to Lou. You are such an incredible guy and you have a heart of gold. When we first met I fell in love with the way you cared about things with all you have. You had this spark that could literally light up an entire room and you did you lit up my entire world for so long and I tried to hold on to that light but we are both burned out on each other. We're no good together anymore and as much as that sucks I don't want to end up hating you or worse resenting you."

Wow. I never imagined to hear this from her I knew that are relationship has went down hill but for her to say that we made each other's light go out was hard to hear. Maybe she was right though maybe that's the reason that I have felt so down about life lately. I used to think that being in this band was the best thing to ever happen but lately I have found myself wanting more. I'm not sure what I mean by more I'm just tired of being bored.

I know what your thinking how could I possibly be bored when I'm in the biggest band in the world but that's the problem I'm just going through the motions of life right now.

"I don't want us to hate each other either we are such a big part of each other's lives and you gave me four incredible years I don't want to lose that either but I know that we can't love each other like we should and we're just holding each other back."

"This is going way better than I thought it would."

"I think this is the most we have ever talked about how we feel, of course we would suck at communicating until the time we are breaking up."

"Is that what were doing breaking up?"

Did she really just ask that? What else would be happening am I reading this all wrong?

"Um yes I mean that's the best solution for this right?" I'm so confused right now.

"Yea I know its the best thing it's just hard to accept I guess."

"So is this the part where we say we can be friends?" It will be a little awkward to be friends but I also can't imagine not having her in my life.

"If you would be okay with that then yes I'd like to still be friends."

"Yes it's worth a shot."

"Okay then"

"Okay"

"Okay I'm gonna go I know you were busy so thank you for talking about this and I'm glad that we could work this out like adults." We both laughed about that and I could feel the tension disappear. We have never been able to act like adults or handle anything like adults before mainly because we are both so easy going that we don't let stuff get to us. I guess when stuff builds up as much as this did you have no either choice.

"Okay El don't be a stranger if you ever need to talk I'm still here."

"I have a feeling we are going to be better at being friends than in a relationship."

"Yea me to." We both hung up and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. For once I knew that this was going in the right direction. It's been a long time since I've been single, it's weird to think about that but I know this is good for me. I need time to figure out my life and to be happy with who I am before I add someone else to this hectic thing I call my life.

A/N- Hey guys I hope everyone is liking the story. I honestly love writing this chapter, it's kind of the turning point for both of them and I'm so happy they are figuring out what they want/need in their lives.

P.S- I know everyone is asking when will they meet and don't worry it will be within the next few chapters or at least I hope so I still have a lot of stuff I want to happen before they meet. They really need to find themselves before they can find each other so please be patient. Love you all please like and comment.

-XO Chels