Jackson - Life in the ICU

I wander down the hospital's long bleach-white hallways, originally disorienting but now familiar, greeting the nurses and a few of the other patients as I pass. It's been two weeks since Maggie first arrived here and I haven't left her side other than to periodically head down to the cafeteria. 

I'm eager to see her since her breathing tube was removed this morning.  Dr. Moore said she had healed enough after her surgery and her body was strong enough to breathe on its own.  The news had me elated, the long foreign tube shoved down her throat was a constant reminder that she wasn't just sleeping.

"Her Jackson, I'm heading out and stopping by Starbucks, you want a coffee? Better than the swill here." Wizened nurse Betty teases as she tucks her short peppered hair behind her ear. She's spent the last thirty years tending to patients here at the Mayo Clinic, her age and deteriorating body however never stop her from aiding those in need. By most, she's simply called Ma', presumably short for grandma, but I prefer to call her by her name.

"Thanks Betty, but I've already got my brekky here and I'm meeting Maggie for a reading." I announce as I nod towards Maggie's room holding my hospital breakfast.

"Alright, suit yourself. Don't mind me if I stop by for a listen, Her Jackson." Her weathered brown eyes crinkle at the sides as she offers a smile.

I'm already on a first-name basis with just about all of the nurses and doctors here, most of them teasingly call me, 'Her Jackson.' I've gotten used to the nickname despite that I was originally embarrassed for not knowing what Maggie considered us before she- I shake the thoughts from my head and continue down the hall.

Despite the tucked up situation that led us here, the hospital has become a second home to me. The nurses take care of both of us in a way, bringing food here, an extra blanket or pillow there.  They've taken me under their wing considering I'm determined to stay by Maggie's side.

Every single person here has been exceptionally kind, I even occasionally get an audience to sit and listen to me read to Mags. It was awkward at first, reading to Maggie while someone sat and listened. 

Nurse Betty explained how she loved the soothing sound of my voice and despite my usual lack of tact, I didn't have the heart to make her leave.  Soon after a few others joined in, sitting with Maggie and I, closing their eyes while I read them all a love story.

"Good morning love, just ran to the cafeteria. Scrambled eggs and bacon for breakfast, they must have known I was coming." I joke after entering the room and setting my plate on one of the slim metal tables set up in her room.

I walk to the large window and slide open the curtains allowing the sun to light her room.  It's early, the sun is just beginning to kiss the city good morning and cars are slowly trickling onto the street. As quietly as I can, I slide one of the visitors chairs across the hardwood floor until I'm directly beside her bed.

Maggie's sun-kissed brunette hair lies perfectly over her shoulders and her hands lie crossed over her stomach. With her breathing tube removed she honestly looks peaceful, as if she's simply sleeping.

"Alright, what's on the list for today?" I ask, pulling out a stack of books that Bethany grabbed off my office shelf.

When Beth initially found out about the accident, she was devastated. She rushed down in tears and fell to the floor in front of Maggie's bed, pleading with her to wake up. It was such a private moment, yet I stood in awe and watched like a fucking wanker, once again completely powerless.

The moment I told her about how Maggie reacted to my reading, she insisted on helping. After a shift at the night club, she ran next door to my office, grabbed at least twenty different books she knew Maggie would love and brought them all down here.

She even stopped at our penthouse and grabbed a stack of fresh clothes, luckily she even managed to bring my boxer-briefs. At first, I found the thought of her rummaging through my underwear drawer slightly odd and uncomfortable, but after the first shower here I was happy to have a fresh pair.

I spend all day every day reading to Maggie, her heartbeat occasionally accelerates and her brainwaves are always off the chart while we speak. I feel as if I'm an addict, every time I watch the graph rise a shot of adrenaline courses through my veins prompting me to continue.

At night I sleep here, the idea of leaving Maggie even for a second causes a wave of anxiety to blanket me. Nurses have been kind enough to provide me with a reclining chair, but occasionally I'm so exhausted from the continuous reading I fall sleep with my head on Maggie's bed and a book still clutched in my hand.

"Alright, how about- Twilight?" I eye the book I've just pulled out of my bag in confusion.  I don't remember ever purchasing this one. Then it dawns on me, Bethany.  I roll my eyes and shake my head in agreement despite the lack of response from Maggie. "Yeah, I don't like that one either, too gushy. How about Wuthering Heights?"

I dig through the bag Bethany brought, searching for Wuthering Heights but I'm unable to find it. I pull out a few Colleen Hoover books we've already read to clear the bag and search deeper.

We've read most of the Colleen Hoover books because I know they're Maggie's favorites. Surprisingly, Maybe Someday almost had me choking back tears and at a certain point, we had to take a break.  Betty happened to be sitting in with that one, her eyes closed partially listening, partly napping.

"I love her, everything about her. I love that she'd never judge me. I love that she understands me. I love that despite everything I've put her heart through, she's done nothing but support my decisions, no matter how much they destroyed her at the time. I love her honesty. I love her selflessness. Most of all, I love that I'm the one who gets to love all these things about her."

When I stopped abruptly and set the book down, Betty immediately sat up and looked around the room.

"Why'd ya stop?" Betty inquired, rubbing her tired eyes. 

"Maggie was getting emotional." I shrugged,  blaming Mags even though the lines on the monitor were showing normal. 

Betty's eyes wandered to the monitor and her lips turned to a half-smile.  "Uh-huh, sure Jack. I knew Maggie was tougher than you." She smirked before leaning back and closing her eyes once more.

With an irritated grunt, I reopened the book and continued reading.

"We try so hard to hide everything we're really feeling from those who probably need to know our true feelings the most. People try to bottle up their emotions as if it's somehow wrong to have natural reactions to life."

After rummaging through the bag and coming up empty I let out a disappointed sigh then run a hand through my hair as I glance back at the Twilight novel.  I know Twilight was one of Maggie's secret guilty pleasures but I personally never intended to read it.

Damn-it.

I shrug as I bring the book to my lap and open it to the first page.

"I'd never given much thought to how I would die - though I'd had reason enough in the last few months- but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this."

Our reading resumes as normal with the gentle rise and fall of Maggie's chest and the sound of machines monitoring her pulse. The scent of flowers fills the room from the many get well soon's she's received from friends and coworkers.  I wish she was able to see how much she was loved, I wonder if it would help her wake up.

Sam and Nick have both visited Maggie, both bringing flowers and a get well card. I politely stepped aside for both of them but didn't bother leaving the room. The situation was awkward enough, but I kept the glares to a minimum and in my humble opinion did a great job of behaving myself.

Nick had taken Maggie's hand, kneeled beside her and actually wept.  It wasn't full-on weeping but he did rub a few tears from his eyes after seeing the state she was in. 

I didn't think he had that close of a connection with Mags, but then again he did spend time with her while I was in Seattle. Although, seeing her lying there, unable to move or speak and unsure if she can hear us is disheartening for anyone who knew her.

"About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn't know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him."

I roll my eyes before Maggie's mum burst into the room allowing the door to slam against the slim wall.  Her entrances are always dramatic, no matter the occasion.

"Good morning, Carol." I greet her politely but her cold glare is never changing.

"Well, it is a morning. How is she?" She replies coldly.  I thought we had a breakthrough the first night here, she opened up to me and revealed a few intimate moments about her past. However, it seems she's right back to being the same Carol, stone face and all.

"She was extubated this morning." I reply with a smile and turn to glance at Maggie who looks as if she's peacefully sleeping.

Maggie's mum walks to her side and leans over her, brushing a hair from her face. For the briefest of moments, I can almost see a smile until she turns cold again and faces me.

"Well, how much longer will she be like this?  Have you spoken with her doctor?" Carol asks. 

She comes daily to visit Maggie but never stays longer than an hour and gets most of her information from me.  I think deep down, she appreciates me staying with Maggie, but deep down I also know it's my fault she's here in the first place.

"There's no way to know for sure. But her body's ready, we're just waiting on Maggie to decide to wake up." I smile as I gently squeeze Maggie's hand three times.

I love you.

"We can't keep her in this state. I read that the brain slowly deteriorates the longer they're in a coma. We can't-" Carol continues but I stop her in her tracks.

"Bullshit." I interrupt.

"Jackson." She cautions me to control my temper.

"We're waiting as long as it takes. If it's money that's a problem I'll pay for it. But you are not giving up on her." I answer sternly.

Giving up isn't an option.  I'll wait for her until I'm old and grey, I don't care how long it fucking takes. I'm not letting her die.

"We'll talk about this another time." Carol sighs.

"No, we won't." I end the conversation quickly, unwilling to hear any more of her bullshit.

"Have you told her father?" I ask, attempting to change the subject.

"No, of course not." Her brows turn down in a scowl. "He never cared enough to be around her before, why should he show up now when she's dying and pretend to be a loving father."

"Why are you always so hateful? Don't you think he deserves to know what's happening with Maggie?" My voice comes out in a growl and I stand to face her directly. I'm surprised by my own reaction, I usually attempt to stay as patient as I can with Maggie's mum.

"Don't you talk to me that way young man." She starts but out of the corner of my eye, I think I see Maggie move.

"Maggie?" I kneel beside her and take her hand in mine. "Did you just see her move her hand?"

"No, she's not moving Jackson. It must have been your wild imagination, who knows what goes on in your mind. Regardless, I'm leaving. I don't think it's a good idea for us to be in the same room." Carol crosses her arms in defiance and I brush her off with a wave of my hand.

My eyes don't leave Maggie for the rest of the night, I swear I saw her fingers move. It was as if she was trying to stop her mum and me from arguing.

"Keep fighting Mags." I whisper before placing a kiss on her palm.

I'm interrupted as Dr. Moore walks quietly into the room.

"How are you, Jack?" She asks as she examines me kneeling beside Maggie, desperately watching for her to move again.

"She moved. Her hand or her finger, I'm not sure but out of the corner of my eye I swear she moved." I breathlessly answer.

"Are you sure?" Dr. Moore says in a cautious tone.

"I'm positive." I answer but then begin questioning whether I'm delirious or not.

"Well, it's possible. People can amaze you when they have the will and determination to live and she's definitely a fighter."

Dr. Moore does a few checks on Maggie, examining her diagrams on the monitor and entering a few notes into her computer. I'm told since Maggie is stable, the goal is just to keep her as healthy as possible until she decides it's time to wake up.

I forgo reading tonight, I don't want my eyes to leave her because I'm desperate to see her move again. But hours of whispering to her, begging her to wake up, has taken its toll and I soon find myself dreaming.

Hozier plays quietly in the background as we sit in my Dodge Charger traveling down a highway. My left hand is on the steering wheel and Maggie's hand is gripped firmly in the other. My eyes roam her tired face as she stares out the window.

"Maggie?" I whisper before she turns to face me and I stare deeply into her ocean eyes.

The sunset melts into them, causing flecks of gold to reflect amidst the blue and green.  A sudden pain twists in my chest as I realize how much I miss her beautiful eyes.

"Jackson," Maggie starts but pauses as if she's deep in thought.

"You alright, babe?" My mouth moves as if it's on autopilot and my mind begins to recognize this memory. The day we met her father, the drive home after realizing he had a new family. None of this is real.  Another knife twists in my chest and I feel tears begin to well up in my eyes from the pain.

"I want you to know that no matter the length of time we spend apart, the distance between us, the worst possible fight, I won't ever forget you." She pulls my hand closer to her chest then continues to speak.

"I won't forget how you make me feel, how you light a fire in my soul every time we touch, how the first kiss of the day always makes my stomach do flips, or when I catch you looking at me from the corner of my eyes and a warm blush taints my cheeks. I love you." Her words, although fueled by believing her father has forgotten her, bring warmth to my chest.

The knife twists further and the tears fall freely from my eyes as I pull her into my chest and feel the words leave my mouth. "No one, I mean no one, could ever possibly forget you, love."

I kiss the top of her head and whisper, "Please wake up."

Dr. Moore enters the room once more and I sit up quickly, startled awake from my deep sleep and clear my throat. I must have slept all through the night.  I stretch my sore muscles and remind myself to quit falling asleep in this awkward position.

The sun is beaming through the window and the sunrise lighting the room causes a warm orange glow to light up Maggie's face.

Her ocean eyes are tired, as they examine mine.  I turn to look at Dr. Moore who's giving me a suspicious-looking smile and I comb my hair back before I realize what she's staring at.

My neck turns so quickly it's almost painful and I find Maggie watching me, quietly drinking me in with her ocean eyes.