⚠️Warning⚠️
If you haven't read the 1st book yet, this chapter has major spoilers so go catch up! 😉
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Maggie -

It's a particularly cold morning in January and the weather outside is bleak. It's as if the sun peeks out occasionally but is afraid to fully immerse our state in its light. The depressing weather matches my mood perfectly as I say goodbye to Jackson and we stand in the doorway holding each other for a few minutes in silence.

I woke up early in an attempt to spend as much time with him as possible before he left.  I made a full goodbye breakfast including an omelet with cheese, green onion, tomatoes, spinach and multiple other ingredients he had sitting around.   I essentially just tossed everything I could think of that might taste good in an omelet then brewed a full pot of coffee. 

I'm not much of a cook but I have to say I was pretty impressed with myself.  Unfortunately, Jack didn't even have a bite, after taking a quick glance he promptly mentioned the mint flavor still in his mouth from brushing his teeth then grabbed a cup of coffee.  No one grabs a cup of coffee if they've just brushed their teeth.   Despite his occasional white lies, I'm going to miss him more than anything.

I'd like to consider myself an independent woman who doesn't need her significant other around at all times, but the thought of being without him for even a few days terrifies me. I'll miss his annoyingly witty banter, his cheeky remarks, his touch and everything that comes along with that. I never once imagined another person could have this effect on me.

People have always come and gone in my life, the only constant has been Bethany.  Even then, I haven't let myself fully depend on anyone else in what seems like a lifetime. But Jack woke me up, grabbed my hand and brought me on the ride of my life then I fell in love with him. Suddenly this crazy diamond eyed boy is now my only constant. He's my sun, the center of my universe and if my orbit is disturbed I'm not sure what would become of me.

When he finally walks out the door I lean my head against the door and close my eyes in quiet desperation. With Jackson gone even only a few seconds I can already feel a difference in the air, I feel as if the oxygen was sucked out of the room and I struggle to regain my breath. I attempt to calm my breathing and shake myself of this ridiculous feeling. Out of the billions of people in this world, I've found my soulmate. A few days can't hurt us if we're in this forever, so why does it feel so wrong being apart from him this time?

Pathetic

I'm being ridiculously melodramatic and I need to shake this feeling off. I look around the kitchen for something to distract myself with and my eyes fall on the fridge.

No Maggie, you will not eat your feelings.

I plop down on the barstool and before I even think of getting ready for the day, I pull out another letter from my father. I notice with a lot of these letters he's written instructions. This one that I've just opened says, "Read this after your first heartbreak."

Since I haven't had his letters the entire time he's been sending them, I assume it's okay to bend his rules and open them out of order.

Margaret,

You're sixteen now, that's about the time I fell in love with your mother. We were young when we met and we were too young when we married, then we had you. I had a lot of growing up to do and even though your mother and I didnt work out, I hope you're still open to finding love.

First loves are always the hardest to get over, they're the ones that sweep you off your feet and take your breath away but usually never last. You may think the world is ending and the pain is too much, but don't worry the pain doesn't last either.

Sooner or later the pain you're feeling will fade and you'll reopen your heart for the one that will make it obvious you're the only one for them. So don't build walls around your heart that are too hard to knock down, because eventually you'll find someone who fills every hole your first love has made and overflows them with love.

You may think of love as disappointing, that the pursuit has left you with nothing but pain. I know you'll want to feel numb, because feeling numb is better than allowing yourself to feel the hurt. But don't hide behind that numbness, expose yourself to the world and let it back in so the one who you truly need and truly needs you can find you.

You don't have to forget, but don't be afraid to forgive. I have forgiven your mother and I can only hope she's forgiven me. I know one day your love will be reciprocated with the love you've always been capable of providing for others.

Love, Dad

I mull over his words and close my eyes as I try to picture my first heartbreak. 

It was a normal day unlike any other, Jackson had made love to me the night before as if it was the last time he'd ever touch me. I know now, it's because he thought it would be.

I bumped into Nick on the way to my office holding that days paper with the picture of Jack, myself and his parents, a big happy family. However I hadn't read the headlines.

"Maggie, you know then huh?" Nick said.

I had absolutely no clue what he was referring to.

"What?" I asked as Jack turned around and laid his eyes on me from across the hall.  His diamond eyes were rimmed with darkness like he hadn't slept in weeks.

Nick pointed to the newspaper I was holding, "I wanted to tell you Maggie but Jack told everyone to stay quiet about it.  I was going to tell you that day I caught up to you before you left, but you looked so happy I- I chickened out and hoped he would come clean."

My hands started to shake as I slowly unfolded the newspaper.

SCANDAL UNFOLDS- J. Porter's Fake Life Discovered

I dropped my coffee in the confusion but instead of bending to clean up the mess, I found myself frozen looking over the black and white pages, absorbing it quickly before tears completely clouded my eyes. 

The article labeled Jack as a fraud, the reputation he was trying to build crumbled when the paper outed him. He had hired actors as his parents, lied to me the entire time, we even had them over for dinner and spoke about his childhood. The memory makes me sick, he lied to me then stole my virginity.

My mind drifts back to that painful moment and I visualize myself there again.

My eyes are clouded with tears, I attempt to blink them away so I can  read what it has to say about my involvement.  It's no use, the black  and white pages blur together making the words completely illegible.   Was what we had even real or was I simply part of his publicity stunt?

My mind stirs dizzily around the events of that night and every night  that has followed.  He lied to me, despite the fact that I distinctly  warned him I don't tolerate liars and cheaters.  I almost caught him in  the act when I confronted him during dinner but he skillfully evaded  capture with yet another lie, then he took my virginity.

"Every one knew?" I desperately look to Nick and cling to his  shoulder for balance as I feel my stable world begin to shake  chaotically.

"Yes Maggie, everyone knew.   Anyone who didn't quickly found out  when he went around the office bribing people to keep quiet."  Nicks  words sting worse than the article in the paper.

My eyes connect with his in a thick blend of desperation and  embarrassment and he quickly pulls me into his arms before my legs give  out. 

A crowd has gathered around us and it feels as if a hundred eyes have  been watching my life turn into a cruel joke.  I imagine them snicker  and laugh as they watch the stupid girl prance around the office with a  snakes arm wrapped around her waist, my waist.  I'm such a fool.

Jackson's sharp voice cuts through the crowd, but my heart drums so  loud in my ears it's impossible to make out his words.   I feel his  trembling hands cup my face and I look into his desperate eyes, but I  don't recognize them.  These aren't the beautiful diamond eyes I've been  gazing into, they're the eyes of a vicious snake who's just shed his  final skin. 

"Maggie!" He shouts at me.  "Maggie please, I didn't mean for it to go this far."

"You- You didn't mean for it to go this far? Was I part of your publicity stunt too?"

His once piercing eyes drop to the floor and his hands fall from my  face.  I was.  From the start this was all to promote his book and win  him a damn award.

"Alex had the idea to make me look more appealing and boost sales." He's unable to meet my eyes as he confesses.

"At first we were going to interview people for the job, find someone  to hang around and pretend to be in a relationship for the cameras.   But you just fell right into my lap."  His voice cracks.  "I'm so sorry  Mags."

My heart beats viciously out of my chest and no matter how hard I  try, I'm struggling to catch my breath.  If feels as if I was just  knocked on my ass and my perfect world turned upside down.

"You saw the news, you knew I was going to find out, but instead of  coming clean-" My voice shakes but I grit my teeth and force myself to  speak. "Last night when you said you loved me for the first time, it was  just a last ditch effort to sink your claws into me." 

His silence is all the confirmation I need.  My tears begin to dry as  shock takes it's hold and I'm no longer able to sense the crowd which  is surely still surrounding us.  All of my senses are consumed by  Jackson in our final crossroad.

"So our entire relationship was a lie."  I whisper.

His tormented eyes meet mine now and his own are brimming in tears. "No, not all of it.  I fell in love with you."

"You love me?"I grit my teeth as the words turn to ash in my mouth. "What could you possibly know of love?"

My chest is tight with anger and the grief I felt has dissipated with  his slick lies as if I'm rapidly flying through the seven stages of  grief.

"I don't know you."  I growl and watch his tears start to fall before I turn and walk away.

I shake the painful memory from my mind and wipe away a single tear that managed to escape. After running away from him, then living with Sam for a while, he eventually found me and I heard him out.

Jack had been hurt by so many people, this broken man who was so afraid of relying on anyone other than himself, helplessly fell in love with me. He was so desperate not to lose me that he lied to keep me. In his own fucked up way, he thought he was protecting me from getting hurt by furthering the lie.

He broke my heart and it took absolutely everything in me, but I forgave him. I love him. I've moved on and I try my best not to hold his past discrepancies against him. If I were given the chance to go back, I'd choose to forgive him again in a heartbeat. Without a doubt, I'll never regret that decision, but I still wonder what my father would have said.

First loves don't last but the pain doesn't either, is essentially what my father insinuated in his letter. I had never been in a serious relationship until Jackson, so he's definitely my first love, but who's got the right to say first loves don't last forever?

I grab a pen and one of Jackson's empty notebooks he keeps around the house in case he sporadically comes up with an idea for one of his books, and I sit back down to write a letter to my father. I don't know if I'll ever give it to him but I decide for peace of mind, I'm going to tell him about my first love and my first heartbreak.

Dear Dad,

It's been such a long time since I've seen your face or held your hand and I've felt very lonely for an exceptionally long time. I thought you were gone for good until now and I've just learned of your letters. Until recently, I've been living in a world of black and white and only experiencing beauty through the pages of the books I read.

I hadn't wanted to branch out and meet someone, I didn't need to. I felt comfortable in my routine. My life was predictable and I was okay with that. I had a decent job that paid the bills, I got to sleep in every morning and fall asleep with a good book every night. The only man who could make me cry was Hemmingway, and I liked it that way.

That was until I met Jackson. Jackson makes me cry more than any other man I've ever met, but he also makes me smile brighter than I've ever thought possible. I always thought I was happy but it wasn't until I met him that I realized I was only okay. Now that I've been with someone who breathes life into me I can't possibly imagine going back to just being okay, to just living a life day after day in monotony, dull and lifeless.

I read your letter today about my first heartbreak and I wondered what you would think of me taking him back after he deceived me. If you would have told me to let him go and just reopen my heart to someone new, or if you would have understood the reason I let him back into my life. I wonder if you would ever believe a first love to be a forever love, and I wonder if it's foolish of me to even believe in loving someone forever. I suppose in the end, time will tell if this is forever, but I know you were right about one thing father. Whatever happens with Jackson, I'll never forget him.

Still your little girl,
Margaret

There are still so many letters to go through, my first love, my first heartbreak, moving out, one for every birthday, one for my first day of high school and graduation, my first job and if I'm ever fired. He's thought of every occasion I might go through in my life and written it down in a letter. It's as if he's been with me my whole life, and he would have been if my mother hadn't kept him from me.

I feel better after writing a letter back to my dad and I wish I had been writing to him ever since he left. At first, I felt that I couldn't get enough of his letters. I wanted to soak in every word. Now I feel as if it isn't sufficient. I need to see him in person and let him know I wasn't ignoring him, let him know that my mother destroyed our relationship.

I stand up quickly and run to Jacks bedroom. I rush to get dressed and decide to forgo a shower, I don't want to wait any longer. Before I head for the door I grab a zip up sweater, toss on a pair of sneakers and grab the letter with my dads return address on it.