Before long, tears have caused my vision to go blurry and the lights of cars streak passed like a video on fast forward.

One foot in front of the other.

I concentrate on my steps to be sure I'm not walking straight into oncoming traffic.

The walk home isn't too far from here but I'm already exhausted and now that my sight is failing it's going to be harder than I thought.  I could have had him drop me off and then written him off forever, but I just couldn't stand to be with him another second. 

I feel like I can't breathe, I'm such a fool for getting closer to him.  I got multiple warnings and so many alarm bells but I kicked down the caution tape around Jackson and forced my way in.

I was attempting to take a shortcut to my apartment complex by going through neighborhoods but now that I'm approaching a complex I've never seen before, I realize I'm lost.

Screw it. 

I walk into the complex thinking I'll just walk straight through it and hopefully when I get to the end I'll hit a Main Street and figure out where I am. 

My mind wanders back to Jack and I start thinking about what we could have been.  If he would just let me in who knows what could transpire?  We could have gotten through whatever troubles him together.  What is it that he's afraid of?

I've never been this vulnerable with anyone in my life.  I've never just opened myself up to someone completely and said, 'Here's my heart, take it.'  And watched them crush it. 

My emotions are mixed.  I'm livid with him for being so damn stubborn but then again, I'm the stubborn woman who didn't heed his or Christians warnings.  I'm bitter because I know we could have something great.  I feel it in my bones that we were destined to collide.  I sense it in every ounce of my being when we're together and I know he feels it too, but he continues resisting.

This wall he has built up is too hard to bring down.  I felt earlier as if I kicked that wall in, but now it's as if I've just managed to loosen a brick. 

I begin to realize this apartment complex is huge and I just don't have the energy to walk anymore.  So I find a bench in their grassy courtyard and lie on my back.   I pat down my pockets feeling around for my phone and realize it's in Jackson's car. 

Great.

I'll just rest here for a while longer and contemplate the stars.  They don't feel like the same orbs of light from earlier tonight, the ones I lazily watched with Jackson as he played with my hair. 

Maybe it's just too bright in the city to see them burn brightly. Although, maybe asshole Jack just beat them all out of the sky in anger. I think he's truly capable of moving stars and also capable of annihilating them.

After my internal rant, I begin to see us in the stars. I push the unpleasant thoughts from my mind and beautiful memories of earlier in the evening dance in the night sky as I slowly drift off to sleep.

Dreams are weird.

I'm on the playground making a sandcastle with my friends and laughing at my castle that just won't stay up.  Everything seems easy and I'm completely carefree. 

I have an idea and my little fingers grab the handle to the bucket nearby me.  I struggle to stand in the sand but I eventually manage and walk towards the water fountain to fill my bucket.  Mud will be easier to make a castle with.  The sand just needs a little help.

I'm waiting for my turn in line and I hear, "Margaret!"  In a gravelly voice.  I look up to search for who's calling my name and see my father.  He's on the other side of the fence of the playground. 

I stand frozen but only for a moment.  My mind catches up to my leaping heart and I step out of line and drop the bucket.  I'm so excited because daddy never visits me at school. 

I try to run but my feet are hindered by the sand.  I'm walking at a sluggish pace and I can't force my legs to go faster.  It's almost as if there are weights around my little ankles.

I finally reach the bars and stretch my arms as far as I can, but I can't reach him and he doesn't come forward.

"Daddy I'm here!" I call out to him but he can't hear me.  My voice is too gentle.  I start to panic and attempt to climb the rails but I can't reach.  I'm too short.

"Daddy please!" I scream as tears stream down my face.

He turns to me with a sad smile and says, "Good girls don't cry."  I wipe my face and my smile beams up at him. He gives me a warm grin that doesn't reach his gloomy eyes.  "Tie your shoes baby." 

I keep repeating out loud "If I tie my shoes, he'll stay.  If I'm a good girl he'll stay!" 

I bring myself down to my shoes and try to remember what he taught me so many times, "Bunny ears, bunny ears, popped through the other side, beautiful and bold."  I jump up proudly to show him my work, but he's gone. 

I stand silently gripping the bars and scanning the parking lot for him.  "Good girls don't cry.  Good girls don't cry."  He'll come back if I'm a good girl. 

IN THE MORNING, I feel my skin being warmed by the sun's rays and hear birds chirping but I don't open my eyes.  I'm not ready to wake up yet.  My bed feels more uncomfortable than usual and I feel something hard digging into my shoulder blade. 

I begin to wonder how I got home last night as I stretch and feel a metal bar above my head. I grip onto it and attempt to open my eyes but the glare from the sun is blinding me. I turn to roll over and shriek as I fall into soft grass. 

My eyes flash open and I take in the world around me.  Frantically, I search my surroundings for anything even slightly familiar but nothing.  My heart beats out of my chest as I close my eyes and think, 'Good girls don't cry.'

My mind drifts to last night's events, Jackson, the date, the fight and I remember where I am.  Well, I'm still lost, but at least I remember how I got here. 

I open my eyes again and try to wipe the sleep from them.  It's time to go home. I push myself up off the ground and decide which direction to walk in until I find a main street.

My body is so sore that I can hardly straighten my back, which makes walking difficult.  I manage to find my way out of this complex and realize my apartment is merely a block away.  I was almost there and if I wouldn't have given up I would have made it there in a few more minutes. 

I stop at the gas station just down the street from my apartment and grab a coffee.  I may have left my phone in Jackson's car but luckily my debit card and house keys were still loose in my pockets. 

At the register, I frown as I notice the clock above him says it's only six am.  I'd rather just go back to bed when I get home, but I guess I'll stay up since I just paid for this coffee. 

Waste not.

I'm only steps from my apartment when I start brainstorming ways to get my phone back.  I could have Bethany retrieve it. She's getting really close with Christian, so I could send her on a quest to procure it through him.

I suppose I could also just buy a new one and avoid the awkward situation altogether.  The only phone numbers I really need are memorized and it's not like I need Jackson's number anymore. 

I sigh in a mixture of disappointment and acceptance then push open the door to my apartment.  My eyes take a moment to adjust from the sudden contrast and I spot two bodies in the living room.

Bethany is curled up asleep on the love seat and Jackson is on the couch holding his face in his hands.  I shut the door quietly behind me without turning away from him.  When he hears the door click he jumps up from the couch and darts over to me.

Before I know what's happening my face is in his hands and he's speaking so quickly that I can't comprehend what he's saying.

"What?"  I barely manage to get out, my throat suddenly dry. My brows pull together as I jerk away from him and he notices my confusion.

"Where have you been?!"  He shouts, but he sounds more panicked than angry.

Bethany wakes up to Jackson's booming voice and comes to join us. Her platinum blonde hair sticking up in every direction and her eyeliner is slightly smeared. It looks as if she fell asleep without showering and I briefly wonder if that's my fault.

"What are you doing here Jackson?" I ask and look between him and Bethany.

Bethany wedges between the two of us and places her hands gently on my shoulders.  "You okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine." I reassure her.

"Okay, I'll leave you two to it then." And with a soft smile, she casually walks back to her room.

When I hear her door click shut I speak again, this time in a whisper. "What are you doing here?"

Jackson looks like he's hurt from my words, but I don't know what could possibly have changed since last night.  He has no right to be hurt, I'm the one he pushed away. 

My mind tells me I should be shoving him out the door right now, but my heart is praying he stays.  My heart and mind rarely agree lately, so I compromise to hear what he has to say before I decide.

"I searched everywhere for you last night.  I drove for hours, looking down every street calling your name."  His hand rakes through his hair as he takes a deep breath.  "You left your phone in my car so I couldn't call you.  I came here and started banging on the door when Bethany answered and said you never came home."

Jack's diamond eyes are lined with dark circles and they aren't nearly as bright as usual. His dark chocolate-colored hair is a mess from him tugging and pulling on it and he's completely disheveled.

"I told her to call me if you came back and I went driving around for another couple of hours."  He's pacing now, "Maggie, I called the fucking cops to fill out a missing person report but they told me to wait 24 hours." 

"You called the cops?" I bring my hand to my mouth and let out a gasp.

"I didn't know what to do!  You fucking vanished!  I kept thinking of the worst shit that could have happened to you.  I kept thinking- What if-".  He starts gasping for air then backs against the wall and slides to the floor. 

I've never had someone worry about me this much.  He's acting as if he thought I was kidnapped or worse.  I mean the neighborhood definitely isn't great but I'd like to think I could hold my own. 

At the end of our date last night he acted as if he couldn't care less and he didn't want to let me closer, yet now he's breaking down in front of me.  I'm starting to think he might be just as confused as I am.

Jackson's sitting with his head between his knees and his hands gripping the back of his neck. His breathing is so labored that I briefly worry he's having a panic attack.  I realize I'm just standing in shock staring so I quickly drop down in front of him.

"Hey" I reach for his hands and pull them to my chest.  "Hey, look at me."  He brings his head up still breathing heavily.  "I'm okay baby, I'm okay."  I reassure him.

He reaches for me and pulls me into his arms and I let him hold me.  I don't know why I called him baby.  I think seeing him like this broke my heart a little bit more and all I care about now is comforting him.  I tell myself I'll figure everything else out later.

We wrap our arms around each other and sit in silence while he works on catching his breath.  I know this can't possibly change anything between us.  He can't commit and I need more than he can give me. But here in this moment with his arms around me, I feel whole. 

His hands are shaking as he brings his fingers to lift my chin to stare at my face again.  He's checked three times if I'm okay since I've walked in the door.  How could he possibly care this much about me when he was willing to just leave me behind earlier? 

"My mind just kept running through every possible outcome, maybe someone grabbed you off the street or maybe you got hurt or maybe-"

I cut him off and try to calm him by pressing a single finger to his lips, "Shh-" but he continues rambling.

"I couldn't block out the thoughts. They just kept coming and coming until there was no room for anything else in my head."  He takes a second to breathe then whispers, "I've never been more worried about a person in my life and I don't ever want to feel that way again."

Jack buries his face in my neck and I lay a comforting hand in his wild and unruly hair attempting to comb my fingers through it.

"Where were you?"  He asks cautiously as if he's afraid of the answer. 

"Honestly, I got lost and ended up in a random apartment complex.  I was so exhausted that I ended up falling asleep on a bench in their courtyard."  I answer honestly.

He cringes, "You slept outside on a bench in a random apartment complex?"

"Yeah, I've got to say it wasn't the most comfortable sleeping situation.  I wouldn't recommend it." I try to make a joke but it falls flat.

"Don't run away from me like that again, please." He begs.

"You ran away first."  I mean that figuratively of course but he understands what I'm saying and nods his head.

After a few minutes in each other's arms, his breathing calms and his shaking stops. 

"Want to come to bed?"  I offer carefully.  If he says no I'll be a little crushed but understand.  After all our 'relationship' is in a weird limbo right now.

He lifts his head from my shoulder and smiles.  I stand up slowly and nervously offer him my hand and lead him to my bedroom.