anxious - experiencing worry, unease, or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

Haz's POV

It is dark out here all alone. Lou was nice to talk to before he ran off. I did not mean in any way to push him to speak about his family, but it is clearly a sensitive topic. I mean who would not be sensitive about this kind of thing. I cannot possibly imagine what he, himself, is going through. That is why I have seen him going into the shops alone and bullying rich kids for some spare change. I assumed he was just the bad guy, but really he is an angel to his brother. The only question that is left on my mind is how do I help? How do I help someone that is that broken and that scarred?

I walk home in thought. I think about him, Louis Tomlinson. He is a puzzle that's password is a secret of the universe. I heavily doubt he will be talking to me for the next few days, but I want to help. No, no I need to be a friend. That is the best I can do, be there for him in the nicest, most friendly person to him. So, with those thought I continue my walk home, and as I arrive I sneak into my room. I quickly change and put on my PJs. I lay in my bed, and eventually sleep falls upon me.

louis pov

stop.

Haz's POV

I wake up, and the memories from last night fall on me like a crashing wave. Louis Tomlinson. I walk to my bathroom, and I brush my teeth. I jump into the shower and let the warm water soothe me. I have always had a bit anxiety. No one could really understand what I was thinking except myself, so he was kind of pointless. One of the biggest things that has helped me with my anxiety is music. Just stick the earphones in and let the music take me to another planet. I feel quite relaxed this morning considering the situation. I finish my calming shower, and I change and head down the steps that lead straight into the kitchen. I see a piece of toast on the table with a note. The note reads, "Morning Haz, I was not feeling great this morning, so I am in bed. I noticed you were not at PJ's last night, so I left food out. Love you and have a wonderful day." There was still a pencil on the table, so I picked it up and wrote back, "Hey mum! Feel better, love you <3."

I stuffed my toast in my mouth and headed to school.

louis pov

i am only poisoning his life

like i poisoned my own mothers

like i poison everyones

i spread like the plague

sickening all around me

littering death behind me wherever i go

wherever i succeed

where ever i fall

last night

when i returned home

i filled in the adoption papers

did some research on how to put him up for adoption

it took awhile but i found a place

did an extensive amount of background

it looked good

i called

It was awkward

they said he would be completely fine and would be adopted within a few months at most

all i had to do was get parental signature

and when he was adopted

i could meet the family first

and he would be fine

better than here

now i just had to give up the only person i loved in the world

so easy

long night

many smokes out the window

into the starry night

bright stars

dead lights

alive something

one am

two am

three am

finally sleep

bright star

sun so i wake

and i wake adrian

somehow adrian and i both manage to get out the house

on time

fed

him happy

me still dark

on the way to school i close my eyes a few times

my eyelids feel heavy over my eyes

what am i doing

why am i even here

why am i even trying to be here

thoughts spin around my head at a million miles per minute

i spin as the world spins

it all keeps spinning

no matter what i say

no matter what i do

no matter what i hear

no matter if i am breathing

it stops for no one

it does not slow down to accommodate

cause why would the world make something easier

i get to school

and i got to my tree

the safest place for my thoughts

no sharp edges to cut

only the blades of grass

no words to sting

only bees buzzing

no shade

only the shadows of the trees

i pull out my thought palace

black notebook

i write

i read what i wrote

i edit

i read it aloud

what i was thinking on the way to school

suffocating within my own breaths

drowning in my own tears

too many thoughts in my own head

too much dark

not enough light

it is short

too short to express

so i dont hear the bell

cause i dont want to hear the bell

cause i only have one purpose as of now

cause i want to write

this one is not so much about me

but rather about the world

the world i live in and face each day

the world that judges

the world that frowns

the world that is dark

perhaps the opposite

because you think you see but you are blinded by the smoke

you know my name...

not its story

you know my eyes...

no what they have seen

you know my ears...

not the struggles they have heard

you know my hands...

not the labor they have indured

you know my skin...

not the scars that lays upon it

you know of me...

not who i am

who knows...

who i am

then I hear the second bell

but i can not move

just

unable to get up

and face the world

that is too much in the moment

too much for my bones that are shaking

too much for my muscles that are tearing

too much for my lungs which are fading

too much for me

so i fold over

i let myself give in

and be dark

not strong enough to hold the weight

my skin tearing from it

make it stop

stop it now

i cant stop this all

not now not ever

unless i end it all

finish and be done

no one would miss me

maybe be adrian for a bit

he would live

as for me

i walk home

unbothered about school

it is futile anyway

my attempts to attend

no cause

no effect

hence no reason

my feet move along the concrete

not understanding what i was doing

trapped in my own headspace

i want to stop it all

all i ever want is to stop it all

i pull out the smokes i managed to get a hold of

i light one

i always have a purpose for lighting them

sometimes it is for when i lose something

sometimes for when the world folds in on me

sometimes for when people articulate their hate

today i lost something

i lost my hope

i was quite hopeless to start

but it only went downhill

now i feel empty

like a black void

i dont know where i belong

i am far from having a place in the world

nothing extraordinary

yet not normal enough

it is a sure paradox

and i dont know how this tornado of a cycle ends

so i walk home

when i arrive at the door

i think i am going to do it

end the pain

end the suffer

end the fight

but not by conquering or overcoming

rather i end it by giving in

let the dark suck in my soul

let the pain blacken my eyes

let the sad become me

i walk into the bathroom

i grab a razor

and i cut

not to ease the pain

not to cease the itch

not to escape

only to end it all

i write the words on to my arm

all the words of hate i have encountered

FAG

cut

USELESS

cut

POISON

cut

BROKEN

cut

my the end i have a sleeve of tattoos

red tattoos of blood and hate

of tears and strain

i saw my phone buzz

haz

haz

haz

blood pours from my arm

still warm from the hatred

I close my eyes

fight

fight

fight

i open them

help me