London

Harry is licking the back of my neck and breathing heavily.

His tongue feels a weird actually...

It's tiny and moist and the way he's repeatedly licking the back of my hairline repetitively isn't very nice at all....

I prise one eye open blearily, peeling my cheek away from the soggy drool spot I've made on the pillow.

It isn't Harry licking the back of my neck of course, it's one of Glens smaller doggy daycare dogs. Ernest.

He's a terrier with an obsession with chewing hair who can open my bedroom door. I push him away quickly and fumble with the large, wet knot of hair that he's created on the back of my head.

"There you are!" Glen calls from the doorway, as if we don't repeat this same process every morning.

"Can you not shut him up somewhere?" I scowl, passing the dog over to him. Glen's wearing a Winona Ryder t-shirt and some lycra leggings, a sure sign that he's been running this morning. Glen has suddenly developed a huge interest in health and fitness, ever since he set eyes on the extremely buff new barista at the coffee shop... Glen dons his sports clothes and 'runs' as far as the coffee shop (which is on the corner of our road) every morning.

"My glutes are killing me." He sighs theatrically, flopping down onto my bed and handing me a coffee.

"Do you even know where your glutes are, Glen?" I mutter, rolling my eyes and sipping the froth from the top of the cup.

"Yes, thank you very much, Lennon." He sniffs haughtily and adjusts the little dog on his knee.

"Where are they then?"

"Where are what?" He stalls.

"Your glutes, come on then, Mr motivator, tell me where they are."

"Ok, fine, I don't have a clue where or what they are and I couldn't give a monkeys arse..." He says excitedly, "but listen to this, Justin, that's coffee shop dude, has asked me if I want to go for a run with him tomorrow morning!"

"Seriously?" I groan, "I hope you said no-"

"I said yes! Duh! He said it was so rare to encounter someone who was so dedicated to fitness-"

"But you're not! You literally walk to the coffee shop every morning in sports gear! Didn't you say that he runs marathons as a hobby?!"

"I knew you'd be like this." He sighs, sitting heavily on the bed beside me. "How hard can it be to run around the park a couple of times?"

"Glen. Remember when you pretended to be a goth to impress that dude and he abandoned you in a field when he found out the truth?"

"Well that could have happened to anyone-"

"And the time you pretended to be a radical eco-hippy to impress that other bloke... What was his name again? Slug?"

"Sludge." He mutters sulkily.

"That's right. And you ended up getting arrested for breaking into the nuclear plant-"

"Well, in my defense, that was a very good cause. And I thought I suited dreadlocks surprisingly well." He points out archly.

"Right. And the time you pretended to be a huge fan of traditional Japanese theatre and had to sit through a 9 hour performance with... Mario, wasn't it?"

"Hm." He sniffs.

"Oh and the time that you pretended to be connected to the Kray twins and nearly ended up part of a huge international drugs deal-"

"Alright, alright!" He says crossly, "I've had a couple of mini hiccups, what's your point?"

"My point,"I sigh, "is that maybe you should just be yourself. You're perfect just as you are."

"I am being myself. I'm a total fitness freak when I put my mind to it. Remember when I beat you at Wii tennis?"

"Glen, that was once, when we were 12 and you haven't shut up about it since. I hardly think that one digital sporting achievement a decade ago is going to help your first date with a sports freak."

Before Glen can formulate an answer, the familiar tip-tapping of paws signals Sebastians entry. Glens dog has got more hideous in the months I was away and when he glares up at us I can't tell if he's jealous of the dog on Glens lap or if it's just his natural face.

"How did you sleep, anyway?" Glen asks, changing the subject altogether.

"Fine." I shrug, glancing down at the Glee bedding Glen lent me.

"So, not fine at all, then?" He sighs softly. I watch as Sebastian climbs onto his lap, nudging Ernest off.

"I'm ok. I just..."

"... Miss the glamorous life of being a PA to the most famous popstar in the world?"

"No, not that." To my horror, my eyes swell with tears, "I just miss Harry. And the band. Not the parties or anything else, I just miss them." Tears begin to leak down my cheeks slowly. They're never far from the surface these days anyway, my eyes are often so swollen that I feel like I have a constant case of hayfever.

"I can't believe he hasn't even text you." Glen fumes, shuffling carefully up the bed towards me, bringing both dogs with him.

"He has, a few times to ask how I am and see if I need help getting another job." My voice wobbles over the words.

"Yeah but I meant text you properly, you know. Thrashed it all out."

"He can't, he told me the night I left that if I went he'd be bound to cut all contact. Lydia thought she'd died and gone to heaven when I announced that I was leaving." I say miserably. "It's the only time I've ever seen her truly shocked."

"And she definitely can't release that video of you?"

"Definitely not." I sniff, allowing Ernest climb onto my lap, "Joe made her sigh a special privacy contract that's pretty watertight- in return for my resignation. I think she would've signed anything in exchange for that... She didn't get completely her own way though; Louis said that Harry insisted that Monica leave the tour and head back to the London office. But Lydia is still there, still in control. As always."

"What a bitch." Glen fumes.

"Hm." I nod, not trusting myself to speak. Everything has slipped away from me and I feel so miserable, so wretched that sometimes I feel like a heavy weight is sitting on my chest.

"Life was so much easier when we were just broke and not shagging pop stars." Glen sighs. "... Although, just saying, Bruno Mars would still totally get it, with no regrets."

"I just feel..." Tears are slipping down my cheeks wildly now, "I loved him, Glen. I really did."

"I know." He says softly.

"And I can't apologise enough that I-"

"Shhh..." He wraps his arms around me and pulls me to chest, ignoring Sebastian's disgruntled noises. "You don't have to apologise again-"

"But I really thought you did that. And I didn't give you chance to explain, even though-"

"It doesn't matter, Lennon," he says softly, pulling me tighter against him and his voice cracks, "I can't remember anything that has ever made me happier than when you finally called me. I've never been so miserable in my life. I just don't know how to be Glen without Lennon."

"Love you, Glen."

"I love you too,' he says, snuggling closer. "No homo."

***

Glen's is the world's leading expert on surviving heartbreak, and his recommended treatment is;

• Only clothing allowed is PJs, for minimum of one week.

• Takeaway pizzas (at least 2 per order, per person)

• Family sized bar of chocolate for individual consumption.

• Only music allowed during relationship mourning period is; Etta James, Aretha Franklin, Patsy Cline, or any other singer than reminds listener that all men are bastard cockwombles.

• Film titles including; Heathers, Clueless and Mean Girls. The Notebook is banned (for obvious reasons) but Titanic is allowed because Rose's husband meets the 'all men are bastards' criteria and the ending allows muchos sobbing.

• Best friend of heartbroken person is on hand for listening duties 24/7. Whilst this sounds good, in reality it means that Glen wakes me up at 4 in the morning to remind me that there are plenty of men like Harry around.

All this achieves is depriving me of sleep and reminding me that there aren't plenty of men like Harry around.

To be honest, I keep expecting Harry to call. A long text or a call, even just to say; oh thanks for sacrificing yourself Lennon, Lydia is gone, please have my babies.

Something simple like that would do.

So when my phone rings on Sunday night, I can't help the thrill of anticipation. The number is unknown and my heart races at the thought of Harry, using the SIM of whatever county he's in. (He's in Indonesia. I know this because I've been stalking the tour)

I cough and clear my throat, trying not to sound like I've spend the past 6 days crying.

"Hello?" I hope the whisper sounds intriguing rather than snotty.

"Lennon, darling!" Mum's voice squawks down the line; "where are you?"

Fucks sake. Just what I need.

"At Glens." I mutter, biting a huge mouthful of chocolate. I'm going to need it.

"Darling. Darling. DAR-LING. Your father and I are so proud...."

Urghhhhh whyyyyyyyy

".... To break away from something so toxic and high profile... To access the upper echelons of the Illuminati and have the courage to leave!! I can only imagine the danger you're in right now..."

I look down at the half eaten tub of ice cream and Sebastian snoring on my lap.

"Yeah, brutal danger, mum."

Unfortunately, mum has never understood the nuances of irony or sarcasm.

"I can only imagine, my sweet summer child. I was wondering if you'd give a talk at the next S-I-C-K meeting?"

"Sick? What's a sick meeting?" I groan.

"Society of Illuminati Code Krackers. We spell crackers with a 'K'- to appeal to younger members."

"And what do these meetings consist of?" I sigh, not wanting to know but unable to resist.

"Well, we usually start with a few videos your father has found on YouTube. Actually, we've found some really persuasive arguments from Flat Earth channels lately-"

"Of course you have." I sigh, digging the spoon into the ice cream carton. "And where does the 'code kracking' come in?"

"Well, after the videos we spend an hour or so reading the latest 'tweets' from various illuminati leaders, like Harry. Although he doesn't tweet much. We've noticed he sends subliminal messages in the clothing he chooses."

"Right." Sebastian looks hopefully at my ice cream spoon.

"And then we round it off with a guest speaker and I do a crystal cleansing on everyone, just to make sure their energies are completely balanced and they haven't picked up anything negative."

"Sounds amazing." I say flatly.

"So would you come and do a little talk?"

"I'll think about it." I lie, "how's everyone anyway?"

"Well, your father recently completed his Shamanic training. Usually in the final stages of training Shamans are buried up to the neck in the desert and left to meditate for a couple of days... Well obviously there aren't many deserts around here, so his master took him to the local kids park and buried him in the sandpit. I think he did rather well to meditate so deeply with so many distractions."

"Christ." I roll my eyes but mum is in full flow now.

"Harrison is still working in top level finance." She sniffs in disapproval. "Oh and McCartney was arrested last week for chaining himself to a power station! Isn't that wonderful?"

"And Brian?" I ask, moving the conversation quickly away from my hippy brother to my much favoured 11 year old brother. Mum will go on for hours about McCartney if you let her.

"Oh he's fine... He's here now actually. Do you want a word?"

"Yeah." I put the ice cream to one side and snuggle deeper into the settee, ignoring the glare Sebastian shoots me. I can hear Brian's happy, innocent voice and I can't help but smile.

"I'll just pass you over." She announces.

"Yeah... Hang on a minute. Mum?"

"Yes?"

"I just wanted to say... I love you. I know I don't say it very often, but I do."

"Oh. Lennon." There's a pause and suddenly she gives a tiny sniff, "I love you too, darling. More than anything."

There's a fumble as she hands over the phone. Brian's heavy, excited breathing fills my ear.

"Hallo Lennon!" He sing-songs, far too close to the receiver. I can't help a wince but it still makes me smile.

"How's everything going little dude?"

"Amazing! Dad bought me a new computer game. It's called crystal battle. Your opponent wounds you and you have to chose which crystal would be best to heal each wound. I just smashed level four, the boss and was a HUGE third eye blockage!"

"Sounds... Fun."

"You don't mean that, Lennon." He says kindly, "I don't mind that you don't like it."

"No I do, I just-"

"It's ok." He says it so sweetly that my eyes fill up with tears. Again. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I sniff.

"Yes there is, I could tell when I came on the phone."

"It's nothing. I'm just a bit glum, what with losing my job and other stuff..."

"Is it boy troubles?" He asks sagely.

"Erm..."

"That's ok, you don't have to be embarrassed. It'll all get better if you give it time."

"Er... Thanks?" I offer, surprised at this sudden burst of wisdom.

"You should probably listen to some Beyoncé too."

"I thought you weren't allowed-"

"Well I'm not really, but everyone bends the rules sometimes."

"I'm glad you're starting to rebel." I can't help a grin.

"Anyway Lennon, me and Dad are going to do some forest chanting in the garden, so I really have to go."

"Have fun."

"I will. And don't be sad. It'll all be ok in the end.... Anyway, love you, bye!"

And he's gone before I can even reply. Brian is always such a blast of innocence and positivity, no matter how bad things seem, and I know you shouldn't have favourite siblings but he'll always be mine.

Speaking of siblings, I've been ignoring texts from Star all week. I know she'll want to sort it out in her usual bossy, no nonsense way, but I'm not ready for the lecture she's bound to give me. Still, I pull out my phone to glance at it and when I see the name my head leaps. I sit up so fast that Sebastian falls off my knee;

WhatsApp message from Harry.

My hands are actually shaking as I open my phone quickly and press on the notif.

Hello Lennon, I hope you're ok.
I miss you so much, especially right now. I'm so sorry that I haven't text you properly or called you. Lydia is threatening to raise all kinds of hell if she thinks that we're still in contact and more than anything, I don't want the fucking awful circus that is my life to affect you.

You may think I'm being cruel but I've seen first hand how a person can be ruined and I don't want to inflict that on you. It doesn't seem fair for you to risk everything and me to risk nothing... I hope you know that this is the only reason for my lack of contact. I meant everything I ever said to you, but I'm trying to do the right thing by you. I've seen how the press can tear someone's life apart and with Lydia at the helm, I could never forgive myself if that happened to you.

I wish I could phone you to talk properly but everything is crazy here at the moment, it feels like the world is imploding all around me. I wish more than ever you were here.

I don't really know how to word this Lennon, but Zayn is leaving the band.

He told us all tonight. I don't have a clue what happens next. We're all just in shock, Louis has just walked out in tears. None of us knows what to say or how to react. I knew he wasn't happy lately... But the thought of him going, the thought of the band without him is just too awful to bear. Just lately it seems like my life is burning up around me and I'm trying to cling to ashes.

No more of the 5 of us together. It's the end of an era but I'm not ready to leave it behind. It was always the five of us, growing up together as the world went crazy around us and I didn't ever want it to end. I'm heartbroken.

I'm sorry to message you in such a rush like this, but I wanted you to hear it from me rather than the media.

I'm still in contract with Lydia and Joe. No matter what happens next, they're still my managers, so I can't see that anything will change for us.
Please do whatever will make you happy, Lennon. You're not tied this this circus any more and nothing would make me happier than to think that you're out there somewhere living your life and being happy.

You'll always be my little hippy.

My love as always,

H x

***

AN- dedicated to Eileen61344445 thank you so much for reading and being so supportive.

We're very near the end, kids ♥️