The only time I truly can open up is when I am in therapy. As I sat waiting patiently for Dr Jamieson to come, I fiddle with my fingers. Butterflies flutter in my stomach. I never know what to expect from these sessions, but I do know that when I do come out of this room somehow my mindset has slightly changed. Somehow my therapist has always managed to help me to come to the realisation of my true feelings. It's always a good thing coming here.

This teal blue room, my safe house or more like a safe room. Holds all my secrets it's seen me cry and throw pillows across the room. It's seen me laugh like a hyena. Its seen me through all my emotions, through these past four months.

I lean back into the comfy blue couch, and in the far left corner, I stare at the thick psychology books that are placed in alphabetical order.

Next to the shelves on the walls, frames of artwork catch my attention. I don't know why the simple painting of bright yellow sunflowers, with a farmhouse behind it, always holds my attention.

Across from me is her swivel armchair that sits right in front of the large window, with the overlapping green leave trees that prevent the sun from shining too brightly.

"Sorry about that I just had to help the receptionist with something,” the door squeals, and Dr Jameison walks in, with her heels clicking onto the wooden floor.

"It's okay," I reply and sit up straight.

Today her usual wavy brunette hair is in a sleek neat bun, almost like a ballerina. She wears a beige jumpsuit which matches the colour of her nails. Her black oval glasses sit at the bridge of her nose, slipping off slightly with every swift movement she makes.
She pulls her notebook from the bottom drawer of her desk.
She sits down, and gives me a small smile.

"How are you today she opens the black notebook?"

"I'm okay I guess."

"What's been going on?" She crosses her one leg over the other.

"I'm still having the dreams, so nothing much has changed, I'm still stuck in that time loop, and I don't understand why.
It's like it's a clue or something."

"A clue to Ava's disappearance?" She asks me.

"Yes!" I exclaim, "but it doesn't make sense, she's leaving the room, and I'm trying to stop her, but she pushes me away.
Worst part is the dream is so out of my control everything just happens."

"Well what would you do if it was in your control?" she pushes up her glasses.

“I would stop her from leaving like really stop her like carry her body" I laugh.
"Anything to stop her from walking out of that door, I just need to figure it out."

"Why do you think you need to solve this?"

"What do you mean?"

"For the past month, you have been saying you need to figure it out. So why do you think you need to figure out Ava's disappearance?"

Is this woman crazy?
"um, why not? I reply
“I was the last person with her. If I can just remember how we ended up on that freeway then everything will fit into place."

"And if it doesn't, then what?"

I hate what she's doing now I don't know how we always get here, but somehow she always challenges my thoughts.

"I don't know I just want everything to get back to normal"
I look at my bitten nails.

"I'm still caught up with Ava's disappearance, and I just want to move on, and let go," I sigh

"Have you considered the fact that if you do move on from this things won't go back to normal?"

I keep quiet unsure about what to say.

"Let me put this in a scenario: let's say the police never find Ava, and you move on like you said you want to.
You finally let go of this.
Do you really think life will just go back to the way things were?"

"Of course not I will be without Ava", I sigh and sink into the sofa. "I'll be a different person, It's just ugh I don't know I hate feeling like this."

"One minute I want to break something the next minute I want to explode into tears!"

"It's because you're grieving Nora you lost someone in your life, in fact, she is missing, someone kidnapped her" she uncrosses her legs.

"Grief is not only associated with death it's associated with different forms of losses, it's a deep response to loss, so when you feel like breaking something or exploding into tears as you said just know it's okay.
You don't have to have everything figured out, even the dream that is stuck on this time loop. You're grieving and it's okay."

I sigh "I guess so," we lapse into silence

"And how are things with your parents?" she finally asks

I roll my eyes, "my dad is still in Dubai with his mistress, and I'm still looking for the perfect time to tell my mom about his cheating."

"That's what you said the last time." She chuckles taking off her glasses.

"What it's been really hard for me", I laugh nervously and look
up to the ceiling.

"So why are you making up  excuses?"

"I'm not making excuses" I lean forward.

"You sure?" She smirks "you could have just sat down with your mother and told her."

"She's been busy."

"There is excuse number two."

"Oh come on!" I yell “give me a break.”

She starts laughing, "Nora I think you know what you are doing, you're making up excuses, so you don't have to tell her."

"Maybe," I smile "okay fine! but it's only because if I tell her she will freak out and yeah."

"And."

"And my family will fall apart, I'm not ready yet, there's too much going on Ava's missing, and now imagine my parents getting a divorce while in this mess."

"You don't think they can work it out?"

I chuckle, "have you met my mom she will leave, but I'll tell her", I end up saying.
"Well, you don't have to tell her if you not ready."

"Ahh thank you!" I pretend to wipe off sweat on my forehead.

"But eventually you have to tell her, or else the truth will come out one way or another."

When we finally wrap up the session. Dr Jamieson encourages me to go on taking my Anxiety pills and to start journaling. Great now I have to get a diary

As I wait in the empty reception area for my mom I receive a text from Ameria

Ameria: bitchhh Friday Skyler's throwing a party we going.

Me: ah hell nah im chilling at home

Ameria: it wasnt a question it was an order 😤🤣🤣 we going

Me: 🙄🙄 do you think it's a gud time to be goin thou? With everything going on

Ameria: gurl chill 😌 it's just a party we need it to blow off some steam. Don't forget to bring dem leaves 🍀🍀been a minute since we smoked up.

Me: 🙄🙄 you not giving me much of a choice here huh??

Ameria: nope....your gonna thank me later. See what I did there lil bit of a drake reference.

Me: gawd help me...this gurl 🤧🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️Friday it is then but you better come along with my lighter. You were the last one that had it.

Ameria: yeah yeah chill.

I honestly think staying away from parties would be a good thing. I'm just not ready to party and laugh like everything is okay. Why am I the only one that is so concerned about Ava missing?

My phone vibrates and I look at the caller ID
"Hi dad," I greet him with a fake high pitch voice

"Hey princess"

Ugh, kill me now, these nicknames are getting out of hand.

"How's Dubai?"
What I really want to ask is how does it feel cheating with that bitch.
"Busy just busy", he sighs "you know these business trips are not vacations"
"Yep", I say

Let this call end

"Well I have to go I have another meeting"

"Okay bye",
"Okay, prince-" I hang up before he can finish.

Perhaps Ameria might not be so wrong after all. My mind has been on over driver with everything going on, maybe a little party won't be bad at all. Maybe I do need to take it easy a lot is going on right now and I don't have to have it all figured it right now.