“When Ava was born she was nameless just a little girl wrapped up in a blanket, staring right back at me with her huge green eyes. My husband was so happy he would say I can't believe we brought a life into this world. And I would look up at him and say no pretty sure she gave us life. Something to live for and that's why we called her Ava. I don't know where I saw this, but her name meant Breath of life or was it just life? Whatever the case she was my breath of life. My eternal flame. I call her that because in my heart her fiery existence will remain in me. Burning and raving.”

Mrs Grey smiles a bit with tears rolling down her face she turns to look at the black casket.
Mr Grey holds on tightly to her hand. He struggles to keep his emotion hidden, he stares at the casket and wipes his face off occasionally. I know after she's done talking I will be next. I'm still not sure if what I will be saying will make sense. My minds spinning like a tornado, twirling my worry and doubt.

“You okay?” I overhear AJ whisper to Ameria. Even though (according to Ameria)  they haven't spoken to each other in like a week. It doesn't seem like it. AJ's big hand holds on tightly to Ameria's small manicured hand. When he arrived at the church he hugged her longer than he had hugged me. He even kissed her. Seems like whatever problem they had must have just disappeared into the air. Sitting right next to AJ is Jake wearing a black slim suit similar to AJ's. The only difference is Jake is wearing a tie and AJ has his top button open.
Jake covers his eyes with Ray-Bans. His elbows sit on his knees and his hands are clasped together. I can't tell if he's staring at the coffin but his head is faced to it. He's stuck in a daze, but I know he listens to what Mrs Grey has to say.

Skyler sniffs and lays her head onto my shoulder. Her rosemary mary scent dances up my nose. This is something I never expected, Skyler has never once done anything like this nor acknowledge me, but whatever the case I place my arm behind her back pulling her closer to me and I lay my head on her head.

She clings on to tissue and can't seem to stop the flood of tears from streaming out.  Even when she came in the church with her black bodycon dress and smokey eyes she couldn't keep the massacre from running down her face. When she saw me she broke down, throwing herself at me and crumbling into my arms.

“We will forever miss Ava, I will miss being a mother.” Mrs Grey voice breaks. “Ahem,” she clears her throat. “I know I won't be the only to miss her all of you, especially her friends too. I know you will remember her and keep her alive in your hearts.”

“I know Nora and Ameria would surely love to share a few words.” the Greys look directly at us and a couple of faces turn to face us as we stand up slowing from our seats. I open my side bag and take out the crumpled paper. I toss my bag back onto the pew.
Ameria walks through the pew her shoes smack the floor as she makes her way up to the front. I follow right behind her and we both hug Mr and Mrs Grey. Their huge wave of pain washes over me and my eyes can't help but rain down. My heart has been ripped open shattered into small pieces. I wonder what the Greys must be feeling? Losing a child, your only child to a murderer the pain must be unbearable.

The Greys walk of the stage and all the familiar and unfamiliar faces stare at us.
I cling on to the paper and take a deep breath. I open my mouth

“Uh, so I'm not so good at speeches.” I close my mouth shut and relax a little as Ameria speaks.

“But I do agree with what Mrs Grey said we will surely remember Ava and keep her alive in our hearts. Ava was a ball of energy she uh.” Ameria looks to the floor and fidgets with her hands.

“She uh... was always there for me in times of trouble. I'm going to miss her so much.” Ameria nervously laughs and looks over at the coffin. Her shades slip off her face, but she pushes them up. “Words can't describe how I feel. That girl was just everything to me. So well yeah Uhm thanks.” she ends if her speech.

“Uh yeah,” I say shyly. “So um I did write something I unwrap the crinkled paper and straighten it down. My handwriting is a twist of earphone cords. Letters overlap each other some parts of the paper have ink marks running down like tyre marks. I look back onto the crowd almost everyone sits with an emotionless expression. My eyes dart around looking for Ava. Isn't it strange that even at her funeral I'm still looking for her?
I'm looking for her because somehow her heart-shaped face gives me comfort and reassurance. During my presentations in class, I would always focus on her face. She would give a small smile and a thumbs up, but right now she's in the casket who do I look to?

My parents sit straight up like statues. Skyler clings on to tissue that I'm pretty sure is wet from all the tears. It's damp looking. AJ buries his face with his hands. Jake is stuck in a trance looking at the casket.

“Dude” Ameria nudges my elbow.

“Uh sorry, it's just so unbelievable.  It was difficult to come up with this speech every time I wrote on this paper I couldn't believe it that this speech was going to be for Ava's funeral. I struggled through though and here I am.”

I bring the paper up to my face and clear my throat.
“Ava we met at the Sunnyview park where I tripped and fell over holding ice cream in my hand. You helped me up and dusted me off. You didn't even know me, but you did that. Every other kid just ignored me or didn't seem to notice I had fallen. That's where our friendship started a simple act of kindness and concern. That was you. You always showed so much-”

My chest tightens and my hands shake a bit. My vision becomes hazy everyone looks like a blob of paint.

“You always showed uh.... love  and uh...kindness.” I roll the paper into a ball and the fat tears race down my face to my chin. “Thank you so much I look over at the casket. For being my best friend for always looking out for me. Thank you for the joy you shined into my life. Thank you for never laughing at my terrible dancing and for sharing your homework with me.”

Soft laughter breaks out, but I'm not laughing. These were the smalls things that mattered to me. “Thanks for making me feel loved. Even when we had the worst fights you still found a way to make me feel loved. I can go on and on about how you made me feel but just know in my heart and within my memories, you are still alive. Nothing and nobody can take that away from me. Thank you, Ava, for being my breath of life too.”

I turn back to the crowd now filled with heavy emotion of pain. It's all in us we share the same pain but I'm sure we are all experiencing it differently. Some might say that Ava's passing is like being punched in the gut. Others might say it's like drowning in the ocean. Another group might say it's being stabbed in the heart a thousand times.

Ava was a daughter, a friend, a niece and a student she didn't deserve this. Nobody does.

After sharing stories about who Ava was we head off to the burial site. Skyler and Ameria decided to ride along with my parents and me. “Those were beautiful speeches by the way,” Skyler says.

“Thanks," Ameria and I say in unison.

“I agree” Mom adds. “I'm sure Ava looked down and smiled at you guys.”

“Yeah, I'm sure she did.”But how can we be so sure? What happens to the dead anyways can they hear us? Physically their bodies decompose, but how about spiritually. Everyone for some reason just knows there is a heaven, but how can they be so sure without any proof? Like how sure can a mom know about Ava looking down at us smiling? Are all of these cliche sayings just coping mechanisms? Do we just tell ourselves that our loved ones can hear us or see us just to make ourselves feel better?
It anyways doesn't make me feel better. I want Ava here not allegedly looking down at me in heaven, but life is just unfair. It doesn't give a shit.

“Think it would be better if you ladies stepped out the car it's going to take time to find parking here,” Dad suggests as he looks at the row of cars that are in front of him. We step out and the sun burns us alive. Wearing all black makes it worse.

We squeeze through the different cars and walk onto the grass passing oval, round and rectangular tombstones. Some are weathering away just like the bodies in the coffins. Others have green patches of mould. Only a small amount of the gravestones actually look decent. Fresh flowers lay on the tombstone that we pass. “May your soul rest Celina.” It reads what will Ava's one say?

A few more depressing graves and lengthy sorrowful steps we arrive at Ava six feet hole. Where she will be laid to rest and possibly forgotten in five years, but I don't want to forget her. I keep hearing that she will live on in our hearts and memories somehow that's not comforting enough for me. It's just a different way of saying life will go on without her, but at least we have her in our memories. Playing again on the same tune, dancing and singing to the same note. I don't want recycled memories I want shiny new ones with her. Skyler, Jake, Ameria, AJ and I, our lives will go on technology will evolve more and things will change. She will sadly become forgotten history.

No matter what we say or do it's the truth that nobody wants to speak about. Everyone stands here holding hands looking down on to the coffin.

America chuckles softly. “What?" I turn to face her.
“Remember when Ava was like when she passes we should celebrate her death. Have the Arctic Monkeys play at her funeral and have everyone dancing in all white sharing funny stories about her.”

I sigh. “I don't know how she expected us to do that. It's just never going to be the same. How can I dance when my best friend is gone from this life?”

“It's impossible I don't think I will get over this." Skyler pipes in. “We were supposed to grow old and spend the rest of our lives together.”

My eyes immediately shoot up to Ameria and we both smirk. Is this what grief does to people? Skyler and Ava had a weird relationship. It was a love and hate relationship. They tolerated each other and that's it. I honestly think Skyler was heavily jealous and obsessed with Ava it was almost psychopathic to the point where she would follow Ava around. Even outside the school just to get some gossip about her. And now she's here saying this. It's almost mind-blowing like is she that emotional that she forgets how she treated her when she was alive?

“Looks like Detective Adams” made it to the funeral Ameria says and I scope the area trying to pinpoint where he can be. All I see is a group of low-spirited expressions. I don't see Detective Adam's grim ice-cold expression.

“Look at your left.” Ameria points out and there he is fitting in with his long black coat and black leathered gloves. He talks to Jake and Jake nods his head and walks away from the crowd to a near tree. “Is he seriously integrating him now? Like damn couldn't he wait after the funeral?”

“I guess not.” Skyler answers. “He must be under pressure to find the murderer. Everyone in town hasn't been feeling easy with a killer on the loose.”

“No shit hey. Who knows who could be next?” Ameria says. “This high-key scary. One of our friends was murdered and what could the motive be. Who would take someone and then bring them back dead? We don't even know if she was brought back dead or was running away from this killer. ”

Ameria's right this whole thing is scary. It's some kind of horror movie the worst part of it all is that anyone could have done it. The question is why kill Ava?