~Sehun~

My shoes make an echoed thumping sound against the porch in the early morning air. I wince at how deafening the silence surrounding the house is, like ghosts waiting in the shadows to destroy any that dares to disturb them. Ghosts of words that shouldn't have been said, of hearts that got broken, and of relationships damaged in the current.

This house for the first time since i moved here, doesn't feel welcoming. It doesn't feel like my normal oasis. It just feels like a giant hand pressing against my chest, refusing to let my lungs fill all the way.

I sigh deeply and open the door. It isn't even locked... gods only know what happened after i left last night. I'm just praying they didn't kill each other.

Inside, it's nearly empty and silent. No loud music blaring from Chanyeol or Baekhyun's rooms. No playful banter or quarrels expressed throughout the halls. No ridiculous American movie being played in the living room. It just feels vacant.

My heart drops and tears fill my eyes.

Trash covers the floors; cups, cans, random pieces of gods knows what, food, and more scattered across my happy place. My home. My safe place... we destroyed it.

"Sehun?" Comes a familiar voice to my left as they rush into the room. It sounds panicked, yet sort of relieved.

"What happened?" I ask, refusing to look at him.

Yixing sighs and comes closer, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Hunnie."

I glance over at Yixing for the first time, his lips parting when he sees the expression on my face. "We broke it, didn't we?"

Without saying a word, his eyes drop and i can tell that he really can't argue. The truth lies in his silence; the answers etching into the floor where his gaze rests.

"I ... i can't lose my family again, Xing. I can't go through that again." I say, the evident tremble in my words.

Yixing's hand rubs down my arm and grabs my hand. "Sehun, no. Don't even thi-"

"Sehun." Comes the other voice i expected as Tao rushes down the stairs, cutting off whatever words of comfort Yixing was about to offer me. "Where the fuck have you been?"

"Tao" Yixing warns, his own tone sounding a little choked. Forever an empath.

Tao shakes his head and finally stops in front of me, giving me a look. "Where have you been? You disappeared. No call. No word to a single person before you left. Nothing." He yells, his voice raising in octave with each word.

Any sense of longing and heartbreak quickly fades and soon I'm just left with irritation. This bullshit started with Tao and he has the audacity to try and go protective Hyung mode on me? Nope. Not having it.

The floor boards creek and I glance up and find Kris and Chanyeol peeking around the corner of the upstairs hallway. They give me a half smile and a nod. I roll my eyes and clench my jaw. Kris winces and probably adds me to the list of people who are pissed at him.

I'm not mad at Kris, just irritated. They are acting like children and I'm over this. I won't live in a broken family, not again. I really wish i hadn't left Luhan's bed this morning, but that won't fix anything. I can't believe I'm the youngest of these idiots.

On the other side of the stairs, i watch Kyungsoo pop out, looking slightly confused and dazed like he just woke up. It's almost cute, except for the brand T-shirt he's wearing that says "kneel" across the front. I almost snort at how fitting it is for him.

"We should clean up before Chen and Minseok get home. Start with the alcohol cans and bottles." I say, taking off my jacket.

Yixing squeaks and goes for my hand as soon as he sees the bandaging. I internally roll my eyes having completly forgotten about it until now. The pain pulls up my arm and i grit my teeth through the onslaught of pain i had subconsciously pushed down. Yixing takes a minute to admire the thorough work Luhan did, but observes it closely. I know he'll tell me the same thing as Luhan did, but i want to get these idiots on a single goal first. Clean up the physical before the emotional.

I watch as Kris and Chanyeol descend the stairs, heading for the hall closet with the cleaning supplies and discussing who gets where to start off. It's nice to see that at least a few people in this house have the same mind that i do.

Oddly enough, Kyungsoo has disappeared. Usually he's the first to jump into cleaning and organizing. I don't have time to think about it though, because mama bear refuses to be ignored.

"Not so fast, look at me." Tao calls for my attention.

Yixing and i release a collective sigh as he begins unwrapping my bandage. "Tao, not now."

Tao grumbles and steps closer to me. "Sehun, yes now. Where..." another step closer. "Why do you smell like?... Sehun... where were you?" He asks, stepping closer, finally finding the marks on my clavicles and neck.

I groan and ignore the surprised gasp from Yixing at my side. I wonder if my hand is that bad? "I was at Luhan's, fucking him into his mattress. Happy? Now, please get to cleaning while Yixing takes me to the hospital. I don't want any more problems for this family. This weekend has done enough."

My hand, now uncovered looks far worse than i thought it would. It's dark and gross looking. Probably fractured. It hurts like hell and i wince as another wave of pain travels up my arm. I'm about to ask Yixing if he can get me anything for it when i notice something.

The sound of silence greets me, if you discount the sounds of a broom and swifter hitting the floor moments before. I glance up to find everyone staring at me in shock. Even Kyungsoo who's now back at the top of the stairs, with a sleepy looking Jongin next to him.

Our eyes lock. Recognition hits and then i see the familiar wave of regret and guilt sweep his features. His face pinches and my chest aches. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to be left with the aftermath. His black eye stares at me, reminding me just how much he doesn't deserve this.

"You... you're not a virgin anymore?" Tao asks, his face looking almost distraught.

I take a deep breath. "Tao."

"You're just a baby. He's almost as old as Kris. What the hell?" Tao screeches.

"Jesus." I says, reaching out and grabbing my best friends arm and shaking him a bit. "Tao, I'm almost as old as you. Stop thinking of me as an innocent little baby. I had sex with the guy I'm in love with all night and it was amazing."

Tao's face softens a great deal. "In love with?"

I smile softly and nod. "I have been for a while and he admitted that he likes me, and we're happy. No we don't know where we're going from here, but I'm happy and i don't regret any of it."

My best friend breathes out a soft breath like he'd been expecting this for a while and smiles. "Okay. Congrats... i guess."

Kris chuckles across the room, causing Tao to tense. "My little boy is a man now."

My eyes narrow. "My mental development or societal status isn't determined by my loss of virginity."

Another laugh follows. "Look at my son, using his big words now."

I scoff and shake my head. "Fuck off."

He leaves me with another laugh and walks into the kitchen with a trash-bag in hand. Chanyeol follows him, looking slightly less miserable than before. Maybe things aren't as bad as they seem. Maybe we all just need a little time.

Suddenly my left hand is grabbed and lifted up before two pills are being dropped onto my palm. I realize that Yixing had left and i didn't even notice. No wonder he was able to stalk a guy for as long as he did. I send a thankful nod to him and accept the cup Tao hands me, downing the pills quickly.

"We should get you to the hospital." Tao says, concern heavy in his eyes now.

I nod slightly, but then i look up and i know i still need to fix something else. "We will, but first... Jongin."

Jongin's head shoots up from where it had dropped and i see tracks already formed down his cheeks. I'm halfway to the stairs before i realize it and Jongin meets me at the bottom. We stare for a few second and can't help our eyes drifting to our mutual injuries. I want to hide my hand behind my back. Hide it from his knowing eyes. I want to take away every bit of pain and guilt he's feeling over this.

"This isn't your fault. I don't blame you. I forgive you. I'm sorry." I say, pressing my good hand to the side of his face.

"Please." His voice breaks. "Don't. It makes it worse. I don't deserve it."

"Exactly. You don't deserve it. You don't deserve any of it. It's not your fault, Nini." I say, gripping his head a little roughly like i want to push some sense into the boy.

Jongin answers me in the form of a sputtered cry and i pull him to my chest. His arms instantly fold around me, grasping at my shirt desperately, and sobbing apologies into my neck. I hold him as tightly as i can, until his body stops trembling and he takes proper breaths.

My best friend. My Jongin. I wish you could see yourself as i see you.

"I love you." I say, smoothing circles over his back, as he cradles my injured hand to his chest so gently i could cry. It hurts, but i'd stay here all day if he refused to let go.

Jongin's lip trembles and he looks up into my eyes. "I love you, too."

He leans in and presses a kiss to my lips. It's simple, sweet. Platonic, as it's always been with us. What Jongin and i have goes beyond friendship. He's my soulmate. Always meant to be by my side. I'd die for him without a second thought, and i know without a doubt he'd do the same for me.

"You should go get this taken care of." Jongin says, releasing my hand with a small butterfly kiss to the darkest part.

I nod and the hyungs are by my side in a second, helping me into my jacket and ushering me towards the door. Outside the air feels different than it did when i first got home. It's not as heavy. It feels less tense. Not resolved, but it holds a sense of optimism. We're a family through and through. Some days i forget that. We fight. We crack. We cry and hurt. But we don't break. I was wrong before. We're not broken, just a little bruised.

"All night?" Yixing asks me when we get to Kris' car.

I smirk a bit and feel a bit of smugness push through my chest. "I made him cum so many times he cried."

Yixing's smirk mirrors mine and pats my shoulder. "Impressive."

I hear Tao groan and starts ranting at Yixing over how i'm still young and don't need to be encouraged over such things. As they bicker while we head down the road, i find myself smiling out the window.

The great thing about bruises is with a little time and care, they heal.

>>>>

Another ping sounds off through the room causing Jongin to look over at me with raised eyebrows and an expression that reads "really?" It's the same look he's been giving me for the last hour every time my phone goes off. I sigh and choose to ignore it and focus on the movie Jongin and i are currently supposed to be watching.

A whirling sound meets us soon after and i don't even have to look at Jongin to know what his stupid face looks like. "Don't sa-"

"Just fucking answer him." Jongin says, leaning down and pressing pause on our movie.

I sigh again and shake my head. "You're more important."

Jongin groans. "I'm not having a mental breakdown. I'm a little soft and bruised, but i'm fine. Everybody needs to quit babying me. I don't relish in it like you do. It's suffocating."

A challenging smirk curls my lips. "Even if it was Soo?"

Jongin rolls his eyes and deflates a little. "Don't even act like you don't feel like a precious little bunny when Kyungsoo gives you attention."

I shrug and tilt my head knowing he's right. We're all soft for Soo.

The whirling stops and i release a breath i hadn't known i was holding. It's not like i want to intentionally ignore Luhan, it's just... i have some heavy things on my mind and i want to sort them out before i talk to him. Everything had happened so fast the other day and something is just weighing heavy in my heart.

I guess coming home the other morning kind of put it in perspective for me. I was so scared and heartbroken over the idea that I could have lost my family, it made me see how much we've fought for. How much we've put on the line to be true to who we are. I got kicked out of my house when i was so young. I battled through some awful identity and depression issues. I had someone i was ready to give all of myself to hide me away like i was a dark stain on his tie.

I've been through some rough things to get to this point and the last part especially made me think. Luhan is still in the closet and i'm not sure i can accept having to hide our relationship. I'm not sure if i can do that after everything I've been through to feel worthy of being myself.

I love Luhan, but is it wrong to say that i love me more? I know how hard it is to be real with yourself. I know how hard it is to realize your path and embrace who you are, but i did. It was one of the hardest things i've ever faced, but i did it. I accepted myself and i learned to love every part of me that i was trained for so long to hate. I worked too damn hard to be thrown back into the closet. To be someone's dirty little secret again.

Jongin reaches over and takes my hand, petting gently over the cast and cradling it in his lap like he has magical powers and the contact will help me heal faster.

I stifle a chuckle at my best friend knowing it makes him feel better and i'll do anything to settle his guilt a bit. Jongin's the other reason I've been a bit distant from everyone else. For the past couple of days, Jongin has been glued to my side other than the times we have to go to class. We eat, nap, even bathe together. Say what you will about boundaries, but it's actually nice to take a bath with your best bro... Also i need help with the cast, but that's beside the point.

Jongin has been stuck to my side like Baekhyun and Yixing last year when they fell asleep at a party and woke up with their hands glued together. They stayed like that for three days, it was hilarious until i walked in on Baekhyun taking a dump while Yixing was showering. That was a whole new level of bro love. (Baekhyun failed to mention that he knew how to separate them immediately, because he really liked the bonding time with Yixing. I think that was the true start of their friendship.) I kind of get it now.

I don't mind. One of the reasons Jongin and i are so close is because we get each other. We work almost like a system, one gear doesn't turn without the other. It's nice having Jongin so close and i feel that it's really helping him. I feel like I'm proving that Kai doesn't break everything and not everyone will leave him. We're all in this together, even after Kai tries to destroy everything.

I can see Kai's point, even if he was out of line. He knew how important Kris and Kyungsoo's relationship was. He knew how much Kyungsoo looked up to Kris, so by hurting two of Kyungsoo's best friends, Chanyeol and Kris, then he'd in turn get Soo to hate him. He'd successfully push away the one person who's made it so far past his defenses that he's practically opened the door. Kai severely underestimated Soo, though. I can tell by the way they look at each other, lingering in the same place, wondering glances, and late night sneaking up the stairs. I've caught Jongin once or twice even though he thinks he's sly. It's getting ridiculous.

I fixed one broken relationship... sort of. At least Tao and Kris are talking, now i need Jongin and Soo to stop skirting around one another. I make a mental note to give Kyungsoo a pointer or two on how to deal with Jongin, and turn back to the movie. My head hurts from the stress of these idiots i call my family.

With a huff, i angle my body and fall sideways, landing on Jongin. He squeaks, but quickly adjusts himself so i can lay in his lap comfortably, and shoves his fingers into my hair. My eyes nearly roll back into my head at how good it feels to have his blunt nails scratching against my scalp. I could fall asleep like this, and i almost do except the whirling starts up again.

Jongin groans and leans forward almost knocking me to the floor, grabbing my phone. I jolt trying to sit up and take it from him, but he wraps a surprisingly strong arm around my waist and keeps me in place. His eyes flicker with a dangerous edge before he presses the green button.

"Luhan, hey. This is Jongin" Jongin greets happily. I grit my teeth and he presses his fingers into my sides causing my body to jolt once again. "Sehun?" Jongin asks, "No, he's kind of busy. He's been on NiNi duty." A pause. "Oh, Nini is something the guys call me. They always assign someone to me when they all think I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown to watch me and keep me away from sharp objects."

I roll my eyes and reach up trying to get my phone back, but Jongin slaps my hand away before he realizes what he just did and grabs my casted hand and places a small kiss to my knuckles in an apology. "Jongin, give me the phone." I mouth, and he chuckles.

"Sorry, Luhan. I'll tell him that you called. Yup, byes." He practically sings and hangs up.

"Why did you do that? I thought you wanted me to talk to him?" I ask, sagging back down onto Jongin's lap.

Jongin breaths and his fingers find their way to my hair again. "I do, but clearly you need some time and i just bought it for you, so take your time thinking about what you need to. I doubt he's going to wait for very long though. Try to work quickly."

I hum and adjust my cheek against his thigh, once again thankful for Jongin. He just gets it. Always has. "Do you want to talk about it?"

A sigh pulls from my lips. "I'm tired of talking, i just want to exist for a while without thinking about everything so deeply."

Jongin leans forward so i can see his face and he smiles that stupid, dorky Jongin smile. "Why didn't you say so? Lazy, numb, and mindlessness is my specialty."

I snort and rub my chin into his thigh prompting a yelp from him, as he digs his fingers into my side. Maybe he has a point. Doing random, stupid things with Jongin has always been one of my favorite distractions.

>>>>>

~Luhan~

The melodic and mellow vocals of Ed Sheeran wrap around my folded up form as i sit with my knees hugged to my chest and rest my head on the tops of them. My eyes watch the screen of my phone with an anxious feeling tugging at my chest.

I've never felt like this before. I've never felt this helpless, desperate need to have someone next to me. My whole life has spent guarded and closed off from anyone who could possibly hurt me. For years i didn't even attempt to get close to anyone. Sex is easy when there's no emotions attached, but the other night meant something. Being with Sehun meant something.

There's no way i can deny my feelings for Sehun anymore. There's no way i can even pretend that i didn't give him the last bit of my heart when we fucked the other night. Being all in for the first time in my life is terrifying and I'm honestly not sure how the brat managed to swindle his way into the deepest depths of me, but he did.

Which is why i feel so hallow and distressed. I haven't seen him in almost a week. A few texts or a message/pictures on social media here and there just feels so empty compared to how heavily Sehun merged himself into my life. The kid pushed so hard at my walls that the locks broke and once he made his way inside i was content to keep him there. So why isn't he here? Where did he go?

I can't help but wonder if i have done something wrong. If i made a mistake that made him run. Or... or... if maybe he got what he wanted and no longer has a need for me.

My arms tighten further around me and my fingers tremble. He wouldn't do that. Sehun not like that... right? "Oh Sehun, please don't be the first boy to break my heart."

I'm used to being used and taken advantage of, hell a part of me even enjoyed it, but it was always straight forward. They always made it clear what they wanted and never enchanted me with the idea of there being anything more than what it was. Sehun promised me things. Whispered words of love and safety. Sehun gave my heart a home and i really don't want to go back out into the cold.

For the first time i want to live my life being who i am. For the first time i don't feel scared or worried about what will happen to me. Sehun didn't just push himself inside my heart, he brought his family too. Those boys who are so quickly becoming my family as well. I honestly feel that everything will be okay from here and that security, that comfort is the only thing that's keeping me together right now. I know what kind of people they are and they wouldn't just leave me to break apart, but then again every coin has two faces.

"Oh god, it's even worse than i thought." Amy's voice shatters my inner dread and i release a sigh at her slightly raspy high pitched tone. I blame myself for giving her a spare key.

"He's playing Ed. It's definitely time for an intervention." Comes another voice i'm surprised to hear, but it's far more welcome than my cousin's.

I look up and lift my arms out. "Amber." I whine.

Amber sniffles dramatically and rushes across my room, pulling me into her arms. "My baby, Lulu." Amber gives the best hugs. They never fail to make you feel safe and comforted.

"Yeah, love you too." Amy growls, offended by her own ignored presence. She walks into my room, closing the door and begins to shuffle through my things as she always does. Nosy bitch.

I snuggle further into Amber's embrace. "You brought, Amber. You know you're no longer important."

Amy rolls her eyes and turns to us, crossing her arms. "She's my best friend, asshole."

Amber and i continue to ignore Amy, causing her to sigh in defeat. "Whatever, this is about you."

I give up and finally pull away from the short haired woman next to me. Amber keeps hold of my hand much to my appreciation. "What about me?"

"You've been wallowing. Even when you go to class. Your cloths look disheveled. Your eyes are full force panda. And you're even rocking that poor excuse for a mustache. It's pitiful and I'm here to stop it." Amy says in the similar nagging tone my mother has.

I groan and roll onto my side, curing into a ball with my head pillowed on Amber's thigh. "Leave me to wallow."

Amber chuckles and pets my hair. "Have you tried talking to him?"

I nod. "Constantly. I've sent him a million texts and called him a bunch. His best friend picked up the last time i called and told me he was busy, but i just feel that something is wrong... plus..."

"Plus what?" Amber asks.

I pout and shut my eyes. "I miss him." I complain loudly.

Amy scoffs and shakes her head. "How anyone could ever be convinced you're straight?"

Amber snorts and pats my shoulder when my pout deepens. "Fuck you guys." i grumble.

"Have you tried to just go see him?" Amy asks keeping that 'no bullshit' look on her face.

I shake my head and advert my gaze from her prying one. "I don't want to bother him. I don't want to seem too needy or clingy."

Amy stares at me until i look back up, confused by her silence. "And men like to argue that they are the more simple ones when it comes to relationships." She says.

Without thinking i release a pathetic whimper and Amber's fingers gently scratch at my scalp in sympathy. "Be nice to me. My tummy hurts."

"Because you've been wallowing in self pity and overthinking the fuck out of everything instead of acting like a grown up and going to talk to your boyfriend." Amy points out quite loudly.

I groan and wrap my arms around myself. "He's not even my boyfriend." I say with a pathetic sounding sigh.

Amy's eyes soften and she drops her arms. "And women aren't taken seriously because they are too irrational and emotional."

"Amy." Amber calls softly and i watch my cousin's eyes soften even further.

"Fine, but if we're going to do this, we're going to do this right. Come on." Amy says stepping forward taking my arm and pulling me up and off my bed.

"Where are we going?" i ask in a protested groan.

Amy laughs and shakes her head at Amber, prompting her best friend to roll her eyes as if I'm the ridiculous one in this situation. They both answer in a creepy synchronization that sends a slight shiver up my spine. "Ice cream."

....

~Sehun~

"Milk or cookies and cream?" Jongin asks holding up two bars of chocolate.

I raise an eyebrow and Jongin nods, snorting as he drops both into the basket. Jongin marches off again, disappearing around the corner and i roll my eyes. I go back to eyeing the gram crackers, wondering if i should use the honey or plain ones. Jongdae sent very strict instructions not to get too much junk food, but are the honey gram crackers considered worse than the regular ones? Why does adulting have to be so hard?

Jongin comes back and dumps at least three different kinds of chips into the cart and my eyes narrow. "Jongin, really?"

The other chuckles and his eyes sparkle with that puppy like excitement. "Kris gave me his credit card."

I sigh and drop the honey gram crackers into the basket. "Go find queso and salsa then."

Jongin cackles and reaches into his hoodie pockets producing two jars. "Dude, come on."

I nod remembering just how similar we are, especially when it comes to snacks. "Lets go find the stuff Soo asked for then, he promised me a meal and I'm not missing out on it."

With a hurried agreeance, Jongin takes the lead in search of Kyungsoo's requested items. We round the corner and Jongin's feet slide across the floor, as his body moves to a beat only he can hear and i almost miss the two people at the other end of the isle.

I flail momentarily and shuffle back so I'm hidden around the corner and peek back down the isle. Luckily Jongin is my shadow and we are always in sync because he's beside me in a heartbeat.

"What is he doing here?" Jongin hisses.

I roll my eyes and slowly look over my best friend. "It's a grocery store, Jongin. What do you think people do at a grocery store?"

Jongin winces and looks a little sheepish as we both shift our gazes back to the other end at none other than Luhan and Amy, along with a short haired girl who all seem to be in deep conversation. They lean close to one another and Amy pats Luhan's shoulder in what appears to be sympathy.

My chest tugs that he might be going through a hard time because of me. I hate that I'm kind of blowing him off, but I just don't know what to do. I've worked so hard to not have to hide myself away and i love Luhan. I want to show him off to the world. I want to be openly proud that i convinced such a beautiful, amazing person to want me as much as i do him. I don't know if Luhan is ready for that.

"He doesn't look so good, Hunnie." Jongin says in his soft voice, the one he reserves for animals and babies.

I sigh and nod, knowing what i need to do. I straighten up and move forward to go and talk things through with Luhan. He deserves to at least know the reason I've been ghosting a bit. I'm stopped in my tracks though, when i watch what unfolds before me, almost proving my point.

Just as i peek out from behind the aisle end, a group of muscular, sporty looking guys enter the other end of the row, right next to Luhan and Amy, who suddenly stop in their conversation. I watch Luhan tense, the discomfort and almost fear present on his face. The other men aren't even paying a bit of attention to them, but Luhan abruptly reaches out and grabs his cousins hand and leans forward kissing her cheek.

Even though i know Amy is his cousin, it still stings like betrayal. Not because he kissed her, but because it feels like a denial of my existence in his life. Like the night i spent in his bed meant nothing and as long as he can look normal on the surface, it's okay to hide away in the shadows.

I watch Luhan and his cousin quickly high-tale it away from the guys, disappearing around the corner and I'm left feeling a bit bruised.

"Sehun-" Jongin starts, but i just shake my head. He lets it drop and pats my shoulder, calling out to greet the muscular guys that i now recognize from the swim team.

"Hyunwoo, Kihyun, Hyunwoo, Hojoon. How are you guys?" Jongin calls.

The guys grin and reach out, pulling Jongin into a bear hug. Luckily the swim team aren't as big of assholes as the volleyball team. They've never had a harsh or negative word to say about Jongin. Actually, Minhyuk and Hyunwoo is in the dancing department with Jongin and i. Minhyuk and Jongin sort of had a small thing freshman year which is probably the biggest reason they all like Jongin. That was one relationship that ended well and they sort of adopted Jongin as an honorary member.

I smile watching them catch up realizing the leaps and bounds Jongin has made since coming to college. He's grown and changed so much. It's refreshing to see. We all grow when we come to college. We all mature and learn to love the people we are as well as embrace the people we are becoming. I've grown to. I've went through battle after battle and am so close to winning my war. I'm not sure if i can go back to hiding away a part of myself, especially a part as important as Luhan.

>>>>

It's early. Too early to be awake but I can't really bring myself to keep my eyes shut any longer. Too many things just weighing on my mind, but most importantly. I miss Luhan.

It feels like my problems are being completely overshadowed by my want to see him. To hold him. To kiss him and maybe figure things out together. Maybe i should just go talk to him.

I stop in my tracks as i enter the kitchen and find a shadow flinging around and making what appears to be a sandwich. A smirk takes over my lips as i realize who it is and lean against the kitchen doorframe.

"Why are you scurrying around like a raccoon digging through the trash." I ask in the silent darkness.

He pauses and i watch his hand come up to clutch at his chest. "Gods damn it, Sehun. I am tying bells to your balls the next time you rip my soul from my body by sneaking up on me like that." Baekhyun grumbles as he grips the counter to breathe in deeply.

I chuckle and shake my head. "Wouldn't it be more effective to turn on a light? The sun hasn't even passed the horizon."

Baekhyun sighs. "I don't want anyone knowing I'm here."

"Still avoiding Chanyeol?"

"Still avoiding Luhan?" Baek shoots back and my lips drop to a frown. "There, now we both feel like shit."

"Easy there, buddy. We don't kink shame in this family." I say holding out my hands at his defensive tone.

Baekhyun nods and picks up his sandwich. "Sorry. His name sets me a little on edge right now. How's your hand?"

"Healing. How did you know I'm avoiding Lu?" I ask.

Baekhyun shrugs and talks around a bite of his sandwich. "Yixing."

I snort. "Of course."

He turns to me and is clearly staring me down with that weird Baekhyun brand of wisdom and intelligence that seriously baffles me. "If i offer you some advice, will you take it?"

My lip tugs between my teeth and i sigh, "You can try."

"Do you remember how hard it was coming into yourself? Do you remember how hard it was on you realizing you were gay?" Baekhyun asks rhetorically. He already knows the answer. "We all go through a rough time, Sehun. We all face challenges and battles that no one else knows about, but they are things we still have to face. They are things that we have to go through and grow from. Luhan is still fighting. He's still evolving. Learning. You shouldn't put a timer on him because did anyone put one on you? Did anyone come to you and say 'you need to stop feeling like this and acting scared'? No, because it was your right to do it in your own time. It was your right to feel and think what you needed to. It was your right to adjust and come to peace with yourself. Expecting Luhan to just be okay with his sexuality over night or pushing him away would be like doing the same to your sixteen year old self."

I wince as those words sink in. Gods i hate it but he's right. If someone was thinking the same way i am back when i was at the age when i came out, i would have fallen apart. I would have felt like i wasn't good enough or that something was wrong with me. I would never want that for Luhan. Ever.

"We've all got to go through our own shit, Hunnie. You can't put a timer on his shit. Let him go through it in his own and be by his side to give him the love and support you wish you would have gotten." Baekhyun says pointing his sandwich at me in a weird paradox between his actions and his words. Well, that's Byun Baekhyun after all.

"Thanks, Baek." I say, suddenly feeling so much lighter.

Baekhyun nods and picks up a bag off the floor i hasn't noticed. Clearly he came back just for food and clean cloths.

I reach out and place my hand on his shoulder when he passes me. "Baek, come home. We miss you."

Even in the dark i can see the pain resting in my friends eyes. "We all have to go through our shit, Sehun." He says hauntingly and leaves me standing alone in the kitchen with a lighter mind, but a still heavy heart.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

~Luhan~

The door swings open after the second rap against the wood and my breath is stolen from my lungs at the slightly intimidating eyes of a shorter man staring at me. I've only met this man a few times, but i can tell from the scowl on his face that he's not happy to see me.

"You're Luhan, right." The shorter man says sizing me up and down.

I swallow thickly and nod. "Y-yeah, i am. Is...is Sehun around?"

The man takes a deep breath and stretches his jaw slightly, considering this. "Maybe."

"Soo, stop intimidating the visitor. Oh, hi, Luhan." Minseok pops up out of nowhere and places a hand on Kyungsoo's shoulder.

Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow and sighs. "Your funeral if Tao finds out." Then he turns on his heel and disappears quickly as if he were a ghost.

"What are you doing here?" I ask before i can catch myself.

Minseok chuckles. "It's a long story, but please, come in."

He ushers me into the house and there's a slight despondence that enters me once the door closes. It's odd. Usually this house is filled with such a welcoming warmth, but somehow it feels like most of the warmth has seeped out of the cracks in the wood. It instantly makes me worry for Sehun. He talks so highly of his home. Of it's comfort. It feels a bit empty; hallow like this.

"What happened?" I ask, fearing the worst. I know Sehun didn't leave things on good terms with his best friend.

Sehun seemed so sure that he could fix things, but maybe he was too optimistic. He did punch the other after all. My heart aches thinking about Sehun losing something else. He's lost so much already.

Minseok turns to me in a bit of surprise and blinks slightly confused. "What do you mean?"

I shake my head and sigh. "It just feels a bit cold in here."

Minseok tilts his head and a small smile tugs at his lips. "Feels just as i remember it."

"What do you mean?" I ask the older when his eyes seems to distance themselves, like he's lost a bit in his own mind.

The other shakes it off and smiles brighter, but it refuses to touch his eyes. "Oh, nothing. The boys are in the living room if you need them. I need to tend to some paperwork at the café."

I glance down at his cloths, realizing he's in uniform and cringe thinking that I'm keeping him from his job. "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to distract you."

Minseok chuckles and shakes his head. "Don't worry about it, Luhan. Go talk to Sehun. Slap some sense into that boy."

I watch the other grab his bag and walk to the front door, waving at me, his usual chipper yet empty smile greeting me. I could have sworn that he seemed happier lately, but it seems that whatever it was isn't doing it's job anymore. My heart pangs for him a bit.

Stealing my nerves, i head to the living room, remembering well this room because the last time that i was here i was tied up and desperate for the man controlling the ropes. I'm still desperate. I want, crave Sehun even more now. I thought that i made it clear of what i wanted, of what i was willing to sacrifice for this. Which is why Sehun's clear avoidance trips me up. Didn't he want this to begin with? Wasn't he the one who spent so much time going after me? Why would he pull back after all of this time and effort? It just doesn't make sense.

The sounds of giggling and slapping is the first thing that greets me as i enter the room, and the second is the sight of Sehun's naked back. I stand there for a second watching Sehun wiggling around with someone clearly trapped under him from the occasional sight of a leg i see flying up over the arm of the couch.

A desperate whine pitches through the room followed by a giggle. "Hunnie, stop." A voice i know well grunts at his friend.

"Tell me you love me." Sehun chuckles, pressing the fingers of his left hand into the sides of Jongin's rib cage.

Inching closer to the boys on the couch, i find Sehun, clad in just his boxers sitting on top of another boy, seemingly torturing him with tickles. 

Jongin, who is also devoid of a shirt, releases a particularly high pitched laugh which nearly sounds like a wail. "I love you. I love you. Stop, asshole."

Sehun snorts and relents, bending down to press his forehead against the other's. "I love you, too."

The boy on the bottom of this weird display of affection rolls his eyes and shakes his head but doesn't seem even the least bit of upset or put off by the act. If anything, I'd say he looks a bit pleased.

I blink and let go of a silent laugh. Sehun's cuddly nature and habit of constantly touching his friends used to weird me out a bit, even dare i say make me jealous, but now i see that it's just how he loves. When you've spent so much of your life starved for love and attention, you take as much as you can when you finally get it. It's Sehun's way of reassuring himself that he doesn't have to live so closed off from the rest of the world anymore. He fought hard to get here.

"Luhan?" I snap out of my daze to realize that i now have both of the boy's attentions on me. Sehun stares at me with parted lips and wide eyes. "What are you doing here?"

That gets me. "What am i doing here? Hun, you've been ignoring me for a whole week, what do you think I'm doing here?"

Sehun's face falls and i swear i see him wince. So he knows what he's been doing. A part of me had hoped that he really was just busy with his friends and taking care of Jongin. But judging by the way the other looks perfectly fine to me, I'd say Sehun was using him as an excuse.

"Dude." Jongin accuses. "And you had the audacity to call me out on my shit with Soo?"

Sehun looks down at the other, giving him his signature scowl. "Stay out of this Target dog."

Jongin gasps and reaches up placing a hand over his eye. "You said it doesn't look that bad."

Sehun's face softens and he sighs, leaning down and placing an almost apologetic kiss over the other's eye. "It doesn't." He then climbs off of his friend, who i notice is also clad in only his boxers. Clearly Jongin and Sehun's friendship might take a little bit more time for me to get used to.

When Sehun turns to me, a gasp pulls from my throat and i rush forward at the sight of a cast wrapped around his hand and wrist. I notice that it already has a handful of signature on it, but push it aside when the medical side of me takes over.

"What did the doctor say? What's wrong with it?" i ask, my hands hovering over the tightly wrapped material.

Sehun's lips turn up lightly at the edges and he shakes his head. "It's not bad, just a few hairline fractures, and some pretty bad bruised knuckles. The doctor just wants me to keep it in the cast for a bit until everything heals. No big deal."

I scoff and shake my head. "No big deal. You're hand is fractured and it's no big deal?"

A sigh falls from his lips and he shrugs. "I've been through worse. I'll heal. I'll be good to go before i start any of my classes for my major next semester, so I'll be fine." I can't help the small pout that pulls at my lips when he says this, which prompts him to lean closer to me. "Awe, don't be a pouty baby, I'll heal."

My head shakes before he even finishes. "As soon as you're one hundred percent, I'm teaching you how to throw a proper punch."

Sehun smirks and tilts his head. "You know how to fight?"

It's my turn to shrug. "I got picked on a lot growing up for looking like a girl." The expression Sehun gives me is nearly pitying and i can't bear to swallow it.  "Don't pity me. I grew up in a small town. I did what i had to. I made it through. Mostly by hiding myself in the closet and using my friends as beards, but i got through it."

Sehun stares down at me and i swear i see more in his expression than i know. It feels like I'm missing something. "Is that why you pretended your cousin is your girlfriend?"

I chuckle lightly in response, sheepishly rubbing at my neck. It's not exactly my proudest moment. "Old habits die hard. When i first got here people kept asking me about my sexuality and pointing out how pretty i am. I guess it kind of scared me and by the time i realized that it wasn't as big of a deal here and found out that you guys live just fine being out and proud, i was kind of too deep in the lie. I was scared, but i shouldn't have been. I should be just as brave as you."

Sehun seems to consider this and his eyes drop. He reaches out with his good hand and smiles gently at me. "You don't have too be anything, Han. Just be you. Take your time being whoever you want to be."

I tilt my head and my eyebrows pinch. "Why were you avoiding me, Sehun?"

Sehun's expressive eyebrows pull together and he almost looks guilty. "Because i was scared. I was being stupid over something that's not even that big of a deal."

I raise an eyebrow prompting him to further explain and he takes a deep breath. "I saw you the other day at the store. You were with your cousin and when some guys walked by you grabbed her hand, pretending to be here boyfriend. That's the kind of the thing I was fixated on. I have experience with dating closeted guys and I've kind of been burned by it. But I realized that you're different than them and I don't care if it takes you days or years. I trust you. Take your time coming out and figure out who you are on your terms. I'll be right beside you." Sehun says and my heart clenches.

"I don't want to hide you. I don't want to hide myself. I'm just not used to being out and proud, you know. Old habits..." i say, laughing lightly, sounding pathetic even to my ears.

Sehun smiles gently and reaches out, placing his hurt hand against my cheek. It's a bit awkward with the cast, but somehow still endearing from Sehun. "You'll get there. We all had our struggles, Lu. We all had our battles to get to this point. I guess i just forgot that some people are still going through theirs."

My head lowers and i feel lips press against my head, then arms wrap around my body. Joined by another pair of arms after adorable sounding stomps. Jongin. I chuckle and welcome the extra support, knowing that I'll be okay, because i have these idiots now.

>>>>

"Fuck, Sehun." I curse, feeling the beautiful tightness surrounding me. I push in a little deeper, feeling him clench around me. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

Sehun snorts shortly, it's almost hot in its breathy delivery. "You have three fingers knuckle deep inside of me and you're asking that?"

"Consent at any stage is important." I say, slapping one of his asscheeks, watching the magnificent bouncy globes respond like properly chilled jello. Fuck i love this boy.

"Yes, Luhan. Ah... i want... shit. Yes, i want you to fuck me." Sehun struggles out, but it's good enough for me.

I chuckle and lean forward pressing a kiss to his tailbone. "You know this is probably going to be the only time i top, right?"

Sehun groans and nods, "yeah, i just..."

"Wanted to experience it, I know. But seriously, after this, that dick is mine. I want to ride you for the rest of the night." I say, pulling my fingers out and placing them in my own pre-prepped hole. It was in the middle of Sehun fingering me that he got the genius idea of wanting to try bottom.

Though I'm not too thrilled that i don't have Sehun inside of me right now, I will gladly give him any experience he wants to have. Well, maybe except a threesome. I'm not into sharing.

I get a little lost in pumping my own fingers into my heat that i forget that i have a very needy and ready boy in front of me, that is until he presses his perfect ass up against my dick and gives me a downright filthy grind.

I nearly cum just from that alone. "Fuck, Sehun."

"That's the point, Lu. Get. in. me." Sehun says wiggling his ass tantalizingly.

Taking a deep, stabilizing breath, i pull my fingers from my hole and wrap them around my length, reaching for the lube. It's his first time, and i want to be as cautious as possible.

When i press my cock head to his clenching entrance, we both groan in anticipation. Though I'm a self admitted bottom through and through, i can't lie and say that I'm not turned on by the idea of fucking Sehun.

I slip inside slowly, taking my time to press deeper, pulling out a little before inching back in. I can tell by the rough pants and stuttering breath that Sehun is struggling a bit, even with all of the prep. The first time is always the roughest, especially if you never play with yourself.

"You okay?" I asks, still shallowly thrusting into Sehun's almost overwhelming heat.

Sehun nods and breaths a deep sigh. "Yeah, I'm just trying to get used to it. It's not too painful, just..."

"Odd?"

"Yeah." Sehun answers, pressing his shoulders down onto the mattress and in turn lifting his hips up more so i have an easier angle to slip inside.

I reach out and sooth a hand down Sehun's back, trying to help him relax, while i grab at his now half softened dick. A few strokes has him returning to his impressive size and delicious rock hardness. Gods, I'd give anything to have that pinning me down against the mattress, making me choke on air as it pounds into all of the right places.

A moan below me has my head snapping out of my fantasy and I'm biting down on one of my own when i watch Sehun thrusting back lightly into my much harder pace. I guess i got a little excited with my fantasy running away from me, but it doesn't seem like he minds much by the way he's arching his back and fucking himself back onto my dick in earnest now. It's actually pretty hot.

"Fuck, Hunnie. If you could see yourself." I say, picking up momentum and relishing in the sound of his melon ass clapping into my hips.

Sehun moans in response and my hand speeds up, not hating the feeling of having Sehun falling apart below me. Of having the power to reduce someone else into a mess of moans and whimpers for once. I can see the appeal, but I'd still rather be in that role than this one. There's just something about having someone take the power over you and making you feel so very small. Admittedly, i should probably have a talk with Sehun about my history seeing as he was a bit confused over my experience and comfort level with the whole "gay" thing, but now is far from the appropriate time to talk about it.

"Mm, harder, hyung." Sehun grits out and i have to bite at my lip to prevent myself from losing it. This boy really likes to test my limits.

I oblige, probably going a little to rough for his first time, but i trust him to know where his limits are. Also it earns me the loudest and most desperate moan by far and I'm not sure if i could slow down even if i wanted to.

"Close, Lu." Sehun pants, almost sounding surprised and i feel almost smug by how this will be his first orgasm with someone inside of him. Like I'm getting Sehun's second virginity.

At first it kind of freaked me out knowing that i took his first time, but now it almost makes me feel possessive. Like there's something satisfying knowing that I'm the only one who has seen Sehun like this. The only one who has felt what Sehun's cum feels like inside of them. The only one who has felt him fall to pieces. And the only one who bared the marks of his love on my skin.

The tightening of my abdomen and the pull at my balls makes me realize that i'm so much closer than i realize and i'm grabbing onto the boys hips, fucking into Sehun, cumming deep into his heat before i even realize what i'm doing. Sehun arches his back and continues to fuck back onto my dick helping me ride out my orgasm, before i squeeze his ass to get him to stop.

I pull out of him and flop back onto the bed and wheeze out a breath. Well that didn't go as planned. My eyes close and i let the pleasurable high of an amazing, yet exhausting climax wash over me. Another reason I'm not too fond of topping. It takes so much out of you.

I feel Sehun shuffling around, and then hands are on my thighs, rubbing up and down gently. I hum at the feeling and smile happily. Even after our first night together when we went fast and hard for hours, Sehun never neglected to make me feel important to him. I drop my legs open on instinct and Sehun finds his home between them, setting my thighs on top of his, before continuing to massage my aching muscles.

"I wish you would have talked to me sooner." I say, still a bit breathless. "i felt so confused. I kept wondering what i had done wrong. I kept thinking that maybe you weren't okay with having me as your first time. I was worried that maybe i was just a conquest. That you got what you wanted and now you're bored and moving on to the next."

Sehun's hands slide up my thighs to my waist and his grip tightens. "You're not a conquest, Luhan. You're worth more than i could ever procure in this world, but even if undeserving i still wish to spend the rest of my life..." He lifts my hips, sliding my legs further open, and i feel the the tip of his dick slide into me, then the rest feeds in as naturally as if it's meant to be there. He did prep me incredibly well after all. "Right here." He punctuates with bottoming out and pulsing deep inside of me.

I moan deep in my throat and my back arches. "Fuck, Se-Sehun. Please." i plead, my eyes rolling back into my head. "I'm yours, do as you please."

The smirk i receive in response is almost sinister, before i feel his thick heavy cock drag through my walls and my responding shutter resounds deep in my soul. This man can have anything he desires of me as long as he keeps fucking me just like this.

I nearly wail as he slams back into my body, and reach out for Sehun's arms that are planted onto each side of my shoulders, while he begins his bruising pace. I love it so much. In Sehun's absence, the last marks and discolorations have faded and i crave to have Sehun's imprint branded back into my skin.

"Fuck, Sehun. Mark me. Claim me. I want to know exactly who i belong to every time i look in the mirror. I want strangers to know that they can't have me. Please, Sehun." I plead, voicing my desire out loud. Never once have i revealed my kink to any of my previous lovers, mostly because i wasn't interested in being permanently claimed by them, but most importantly because i was scared of anyone finding them.

It's different with Sehun. He makes me want to be proud not just to be his, but also to be myself. He inspires me to live my life true to who i am, and that includes wanting the world to know that i am Oh Sehun's and Oh Sehun's only.

Sehun growls and i know he shares the desire. After all, rope enthusiasts love to see marks, especially on their partners. His teeth sink into my clavicle and a desperate whine bubble up from my throat, twisting my head to the side to give him better access.

Before i understand what is happening Sehun pulls back, sitting up on his knees and grabbing my wrists before diving back down and pinning them to the bed and driving into me so deep i can feel his cock pulse in my throat. For fucks sake i love this man.

"Next time I'm tying you up." Sehun rasps in my ear as i hook my legs over his thighs.

I gasp and shut my eyes tight, realizing that i am hard again and nearing another orgasm. "please, Sehun." I moan, almost too lost to be coherent.

Sehun groans in my ear and i feel his hips stutter, as well as a hot wetness filling my insides. I sigh at the wonderful feeling of another orgasm washing over me and relish in the bliss of Sehun pumping his release hard into my depths.

He slows and eventually stills, still planted almost fully sheathed and releases my wrists. We both seem to realize together that they'll most likely be bruised and an almost euphoric state fogs my head.

"Fuck, Sehun. You fucked me hard the last time, but it wasn't anything like that. Don't get me wrong, i love beast mode Sehun, but where the hell did that come from?" i chuckle, breathlessly.

Sehun smirks down at me and leans in kissing me hungrily, like somehow i can supply the oxygen his lungs are currently trying to desperately drag into his body. "Marking is kind of a big kink for me. You mentioned it and i kind of lost myself a bit."

I stare up at the other and sigh out a whine. "Fuck, you're perfect."

He snorts and reaches for me, fingering at the mark on my neck. "And you're almost perfect. A few more marks and we'll be there."

It's my turn to smirk up at him while i wiggle my hips, which causes his face to pinch in a mixture of pain and pleasure. It's beautiful. "I don't know, you kind of wore me out a bit."

Sehun smiles a sultry kind of smile that sets my insides ablaze. "Oh really now? What happened to wanting to sit on my cock for the rest of the night?"

Playing coy, i reach up and push some loose hair away from his eyes. "I don't know. I'm pretty tired." i say in a sly tone.

The boy above me swivels his hips, rolling his cock inside of me in the most delicious of drags. "I'll let you pick out any rope you want from my closet and I'll put you in an arm bar."

I grin devilishly and push at his chest to get him out of me, before shimming off of his bed and running to his closet.

"Luhan wait." He calls after me, almost sounding panicked.

But it's too late. I already have the door swung wide open and am fully affronted with what greets me on the other side. My jaw drops and my eyes widen... Holy shit.

>>>>>>>>

Chickens!!!

Here's the HunHan. Sorry for it being so long since my last update. It's been crazy for the past month and a half. I'm in Seoul now and I'll be here for the next week. I technically live in Daegu, but my university is on winter break right now, so I'm doing so traveling around. After next week I'm leaving for Busan where I'll stay for about a month, and then I'm heading to Jeju for a week. Sounds fun right? Haha it should be, but also stressful. Traveling is very hard on me sometimes, so I'll try my best to get to the next chapter, but please be patient with me. Okay?

Anyways, this chapter. Please don't think I'll of Sehun. It's very hard to be with someone who is closeted when you've fought to be proud of your sexuality. Trust me, i know how hard it can be to come out and be true to yourself, but it also sucks to be hidden away. So please be gentle with him. We all make mistakes and struggle with our feelings.

Anyways. I hope you liked it and Ill see you next chapter. XiuChen is up next.

사랑해 💕

~M~