~Kyungsoo~

The incessant ticking of the clock counts each second with painful accuracy, letting me know just how awkward this situation is with every timed metallic sound. Tao sits across from me, his spoon slowly picking up bites of cereal, while I attempt to make it seem like I'm not rushing through my eggs and toast. All of the other guys who had previously been in the kitchen with us, rushed away all at once to get to classes or their schedules on time. Leaving only the two of us, sitting in the same room, uncomfortably forced into each other's company. I'm pretty sure Tao has a class soon, too, but he's eating like he plans on being here all day.

Tao and I have never had a good relationship, and in all honesty I'm not sure I would even call it that. We have more of a silent agreement, a civil contract to tolerate one another. For the sake of the man we both care about, we make an effort to play nice.

It's no secret though, that Tao and I do not particularly get along when the reason for our truce isn't present. Tao gets on my nerves, it's not a fact that I hide, and even in most cases, I tend to openly express my exasperation towards the catlike diva. We've seemed to just gained this type of understanding with one another when we first entered the fraternity together, and never felt the need to change it or fix it.

Tao chews his cereal and releases a big sigh "when are you leaving?"

I nibble at my toast and avert my eyes. If it's one thing I hate more than social gatherings, it's small talk. "Tonight, after Yixing gets back from work. He wants to get a shift in since we'll be gone all weekend."

Tao nods, his thoughts seeming to overwhelm his facial features. "Are you going to see Kris before you leave? He has a full schedule today, but you know he'll be worried about you all weekend if you don't check in with him before you go."

"He'll be worried no matter wha..." I stop, unable to complete my thought and glance up, meeting Tao's intense gaze.

"You're important to Kris, Kyungsoo. We may not get along, but I respect how much you mean to my boyfriend." Tao explains, putting a little more force in his spoon, than he had before.

"We're just friends, Tao." I, for some odd reason, feel the need to clairify.

Tao takes a deep breath and finishes chewing a bite of cereal. "You know, I was so jealous when we all rushed together. You, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and me. I thought I would immediately get an upper hand because my boyfriend was one of the top ranking officers in the house. When he chose you as his little brother, instead of me, I didn't talk to him for three days... did you know that?"

I shake my head. I knew that Tao wasn't happy about it, and I even had conversations with Kris about whether or not is was the best idea. Kris had assured me though, that Tao would get over it and eventually come around, "it's better this way. Having Tao as my second would just be a huge conflict of interest." Kris had told me back then, and he was right. Things evened out and eventually normalized and I never questioned how Tao interpreted Kris and my relationship after that again, assuming that everything was fine. I didn't even perceive the possibility that I could have been wrong.

Tao glances up at me, his piercing eyes boring into my own. "I came around to the idea about Kris and you being so close, understanding that Kris needed you in his life, and I hate to admit it, but you make him happy. Call me selfish for wanting to be the only one who makes Kris smile as brightly as he does when you walk into a room, but I carried a hatred towards you for a long time, Kyungsoo."

I blink at Tao, shocked by what just fell from his lips as simply as if he were commenting about the weather. "I... I guess you had that right"

Tao chuckles bitterly, and a miserable look crosses his face. "Not really. I've made your life hell, Soo. At work I purposely push buttons and weak points that I know are going to set you off. To me, it felt like I was somehow getting some sort of retribution for how much my boyfriend loves you. I know that's a shitty and childish thing to do, but that's always how Kris and my relationship has been... we've never given each other the type of respect or trust that we should. We've always had that immature teenage relationship, that just failed to evolve, even as we did. Now we're two grown ass adults, trying to hold on to ideas that were created from overproduction of hormones and angst."

"You should just talk to each other" I say, feeling a kick of sympathy for both my friend and his boyfriend. It's not that their relationship is falling apart, its that there isn't much of one to begin with. Tao and Kris's relationship formed on the childish ideas of jealousy, obsession, and overbearing passion. Those types of ideals, the desperate need to be together no matter the cost and the dramatics of having the world trying to pry you apart at every turn, only exist in teenage romance novels. This is the real world, and though these concepts exist, they aren't practical in keeping two people together. Kris and Tao are still trying to hold onto their teenage romance, and it just doesn't fit or work for them anymore. "Your relationship isn't a bad one. It just needs a little work and communication."

"Baekhyun said-" I stop him mid sentence by holding up my hand.

"That's your fist mistake. Don't listen to Baekhyun. Don't ever listen to Baekhyun, especially about relationships." I say, giving Tao a pointed expression. Tao sports a small smile and I feel a spring of pride surge through me. I reach out and pat Tao's hand, in an attempt to comfort him. "Trust me. Talk to Kris, he's a lot more understanding than people give him credit for"

Tao nods, seemingly absentmindedly, to himself "I can see why Kris loves you so much, Kyungsoo." I give him a small, shy smile, before all blood drains from my body at what comes out of his mouth next. "I'm sure if I hadn't have come along you two would have stayed together."

I nod on autopilot, and Tao seems to accept my silent confirmation. A sudden lump forms in my throat and suddenly my appetite has completely disappeared. One of the things I have always feared is Tao finding out about Kris and my relationship previous to their own, but sitting here, basically faced with an all but admittance that he knows. I'm not sure if I'm horrified or relived. Tao isn't across the table clawing my eyes own, or crying out his own, so does that mean he accepts the past?

"You're heart was broken because of me... the least I can do is be understanding of your relationship with Kris. He cares about you and I know you care about him, but I also know that's as far as it goes. I realized that at the end of last year. Kris had just bombed a test he had studied really hard. I tried to comfort him, but he wouldn't talk about it with me. I found him that night out on the porch, talking to you. I think I may have watched you two for over an hour, and I swear in that time, I watched all tension and anxiety drain from his body. I, though reluctantly, came to the conclusion that Kris needed you. He needs you in his life, and I've accepted that, Soo."

Instantly I feel a chain, I didn't know I had padlocked around my heart, break. I didn't know I was carrying so much guilt and weight on myself for my relationship with Kris. The relief that sweeps through me is almost euphoric, and I close my eyes and breath out a humbling breath. I hadn't realized how much I was holding on to.

"Why do you still mess with me? Why do you press my buttons if you've accepted all of this?" I ask, curious as to why he still pushes me if he came around to this a while ago.

Tao smirks lightly and swirls his spoon around his bowl. "Because it's fun to watch you go off. It's become my way of playing with you, now.... and honestly, I guess I'm not sure how to approach the idea of friendship, so that's my only way I can get close with you."

"You want to be my friend?" I ask, taken aback by all of Tao's revelations today.

Tao shrugs and looks back at his food. "Like I said, you're important to Kris and he needs you... I guess I figure that it will be easier to deal with, if you become important to me too."

My heart squeezes at this. "Why are you telling me all of this?"

Tao sighs and he looks like he wants anything, but to tell me what he's about to say. "I guess a part of me just wants to air out the room and maybe make a sort of alliance between us. But another part of this comes from needing you to understand why I'm asking you for help. Something happened. I don't want to get into the details, but Kris is upset, and he hasn't talked to me since the incident. I want you to see him, not just because he'll worry if you leave without saying goodbye, but because... he needs you right now. He needs his best friend."

The words cut into me, as I digest what he's saying. Kris is hurt and he needs me. Tao is swallowing his pride over his concern for the man he loves and coming to his boyfriends past lover for help. That takes a lot of strength, and gives me so much hope that they'll work this out. When two people are able to put each other first in a relationship, that's when love flourishes and survives, even through the darkest of times.

I jump down off of my stool and clean up the remnants of my meal without even thinking. I stop just before I leave the room, and turn to Tao, finally noticing the dejected way he's holding himself.

"You're important to Kris too, Tao. Do you think I would have let him leave if I didn't think he could have lived without you?" I say, attempting to mend whatever negative thoughts might be floating around in the boys head.

Tao's shoulders tense, but he doesn't comment and I don't feel the need to press the issue further. Kris and Tao just need to work out their problems like adults, and they will in time, but right now I need to stitch up a bit of my best friends heart. After all, I've always been gifted at sewing.

>>>>

~Jongin~

"Damn it" I curse, crumpling the stapled papers into a tight, little ball and making a movement to throw it onto the ground, but stop just before I do so. I sigh and un-ball the paper, attempting to smooth out every wrinkle.

I stare at the bright red mark on the top of the quiz, mocking me. Even I'm surprised at this score. A new low for me, academically and mentally. I curse myself for not getting help on studying for this. Since our little fight in the mediocre coffee shop, Kyungsoo and I haven't even talked. The smaller, upperclassmen will barely even look at me, so I haven't been attending our little tutoring sessions. I was beginning to rely on those sessions. They were the only thing getting me through this damn class, and clearly if I don't swallow my pride, I won't be passing any time soon.

"You look like your mom just took away your dolls again." My best friends voice taunts me without hesitation.

"They're... they're action figures." I say, my tone not even trying to sound passionate about my collectibles.

Sehun chuckles, and pulls the wrinkled papers out of my hands, giving it a glance before wincing. "You knew there was a quiz, right?"

I nod a bit pathetically. "We had a whole week to prepare. It's supposed to give us insight towards what to expect for the exam."

Sehun winces once again and hands the paper back, giving me a sympathetic look that says everything I already know. I'm so screwed.

......

I hesitate outside the door, my pride squished under my foot nice and tight. I hate pushing it down, but I hate the prospect of failing even more. I may not pay much of a mind to what others think about me, but when it comes to my parents, the idea of disappointing them terrifies me. My mom and step dad have done so much for me, and I feel this overwhelming need to pay them back in some way.

That's what brings me here, swallowing more than just the bile resting in the back of my throat. I know Soo is on the other side of this door, and having not seen the man properly in over a week, has my heart pounding. I can't tell if I'm more excited or terrified. I've missed the smaller man. I had grown used to seeing Soo every night coming home from the club, or finding him waiting for me in the den every day after my last class for our tutoring sessions. I had come accustom to Kyungsoo being a regular piece in my life without even second guessing. He just fit so naturally, I didn't even notice it was happening.

The door is slightly ajar, so I push it open and peek inside. I freeze at the scene in front of me. Kyungsoo sits in his desk chair, with his back to me, and facing his bed. Kris sits on Soo's bed, facing me, his head lowered, and his forehead close to Soo's, while their hands are clasped within each other's. They don't seem to notice me, just continue to lowly talk to each other, and finally I acknowledge the tension in Kris' shoulders, the way his face is slightly crumpled into a painful expression, and the abrupt catch in his voice.

My eyes widen as I realize that I might have just walked in on a intensely emotional situation, and that this isn't any of my business. I may not like Kris too much, but I recognize a heart to heart when I see one. I don't belong here and I definitely don't have any right to infringe on such a private moment.

I start to back out of Soo's room slowly, when the sound of my name pierces the silence of the room, forcing me to cringe and stop. I look up to find Kris looking at me with alerted, and confused eyes, while Soo has now turned in my direction. Our eyes lock and I get lost in Kyungsoo's large, deep, and questioning eyes.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I just wanted to talk to Soo for a bit. Don't mind me, carry on." I attempt to sneak out of the room, but Kyungsoo stops me.

"What did you want to talk about?" He asks, his expression becoming guarded almost instantly and a wave of self loathing washes over me.

I did that. I made Soo put up his walls between us. I hurt him to the point where I lost his trust, and I don't even know what to do to fix that, or even if I want to. Maybe it's better this way. It'll be easier for him to move on if he hates me. My heart clenches painfully at that thought, and I can't help but hang my head. This is what I wanted, so why does every bit of my being protest it?

"It's not that important" I say, moving my hand around a bit. "We can talk later." I continue in my back track, but suddenly Soo wheels back in his chair, and stops right in front of me, halting my progress.

I yelp slightly and jump, when Kyungsoo abruptly rips the paper I had forgotten about, out of my hands. Dread instantly fills me as I watch Kyungsoo's face go from thoughtful to disappointed in seconds.

"You failed the quiz and you think it's not important." Kyungsoo's tone chastises me.

I pick at the hem of my shirt and lower my head, finding a particular spot on the floor to focus on, instead of the burning shame filling my chest.

"I just... I've had a lot on my mind this week and I told you that this was my hardest subject." I mumble out excuses, despite knowing it's not enough for Kyungsoo.

That's one of the things I admire most about Kyungsoo. He doesn't take shit or excuses. You either do or you don't. Kyungsoo isn't the type to hold your hand and baby you when it comes to something like this.

Kyungsoo sighs deeply. "The exam is next week, I suggest we start now if you want to pass it."

My head shoots up, ready to dismiss his suggestion, because clearly his attention is needed elsewhere right now. Kris beats me too it and stands, placing a hand on Kyungsoo's shoulder. An uncomfortable stirring feeling churns through my stomach and I shove down the need to push the man away from Soo.

"That's my queue to leave. I'll take to heart what you said, Soo. And good luck with studying, Jongin." Kris says, his smile kind, but refusing to touch his eyes.

I briefly wonder if things have gotten worse with him and Tao, but push it away when the door closes and I'm left alone with the man currently glaring at me from his desk chair.

......

"So, wait... it was this simple the whole time?" I ask in disbelief, staring at the page Kyungsoo just finished writing on. He had broken down the concepts I wasn't getting and made them so easy, I kind of feel like an idiot.

"It's amazing what happens when you study, right?" Kyungsoo says with mock excitement.

I pout at him and sit back against my chair "I did study, Hyung. I swear, I did. I just didn't get it, no matter how long I stared at the book and my notes."

Kyungsoo sighs. "You shouldn't have stopped coming to me for tutoring."

Shoving my hands between my pressed thighs, I take a deep breath. "I didn't want to make things harder on you."

Kyungsoo sighs and shuffles the paper around on his desk. "I'm fine, Jongin. But you won't be if you fail this class. Let's just continue with the tutoring sessions as normal."

I glance up and find Soo staring a me, but with a softer look than before. His large eyes sparkle at me, shining with understanding and sympathy. I have to look away from them, for fear that I might drown. My eyes land on his lips, the slight heart shaped curve to them. The dusty dark pink color, a bright stain against his milky toned skin. They're so plump, and soft looking.

"Jongin" Kyungsoo breathless whisper snaps me out of the spell his enchanting lips had trapped me under.

Abruptly, I pull back, realizing I had been subconsciously leaning closer and closer to Soo. "Sorry" I mutter, not even attempting to brush my actions aside.

Soo sighs once again, something he's been doing this whole session. Every time I'd lean too close, and pull back quickly. Everytime we would touch accidentally, and I'd yank my hand away. And even when I'd get excited over understanding a certain thing, or getting a question right, then chastise myself for acting so comfortable and return to a neutral state. Kyungsoo sighs. His disappointment clear at my cautious behavior. I know he's annoyed that I keep acting like this, but I just can't allow myself to act normally, or at least, how I used to around him. I don't want to cross over that line again, because if I do... I might end up hurting him again.

"I'm sorry" I mumble.

"Jongin, please quit apologizing." Another short sigh, followed by the ruffling of papers. "I know you're trying to keep yourself in check. Overanalyzing every little movement, touch, and word I make, but this is just what it is. You suck at English, and I excel at it. You need help and I'm giving it. Don't read any further than that."

For some reason, those words hit my stomach like a lead bullet. In part, I know he's right, but another part was kind of hoping that he wanted more. It's so ridiculous to want the man, I've been pushing away, to keep fighting. It's almost crazy to want it, but I still do. This realization damn near slaps me across the face. I want Soo to fight for me. No ones ever tried before, and the deepest parts of me, the part where all of my selfishness and need hides, craves it from this man beside me.

"I miss you" i admit, sounding pathetic, and I regret saying it almost instantly.

Kyungsoo sits still, too still. His body seeming to refuse to accept my admittance. Finally after what feels like an eternity, Kyungsoo swivels his chair towards me, and breathes out a frustrated breath.

"Jongin, why are you doing this? I told you where i stand and you told me where you stand and i thought we were in mutual agreement that it was in different places. I can't handle this whiplash, Jongin. Either you want this or you don't. Either you want me, or you don't. It's that simple. I can't keep playing this back and forth anymore. I won't wait around for someone to choose me again, it was hard enough the first time. Quit making excuses, if you really care about me, if you really want this, then do something about it."

I swallow thickly at the brutally honest words. I know I've pushed Kyungsoo into a corner, and i deserve his retaliation, but that doesn't mean the lashes hurt any less "Soo... i want... yes, i... but i can't..." i butcher an explanation, but he seems to get my point.

"Jongin, cut the bullshit. I know i'm being harsh right now, but you need to quit hiding and have the balls to stand up to your inner demons. We all have something inside of us we have to fight daily, but if I'm not worth fighting for to you, then I don't want to be anything at all." Kyungsoo says, his face hardening into a mask that i have no way of seeing through.

I reach forward to grab Kyungsoo's arm, but stop just before contact. "Of course you're worth fighting for, Soo."

"Yeah, it really feels like it, Jongin." He bites, and i can't help the wince i make, forcing regret to dance through his eyes. Another sigh. "Look, You can't spend your whole life terrified of your own shadow, because all you'll ever see is shadows wherever you go. We all have our demons, and we all fight battles inside of ourselves everyday. There are days where it's literally painful to drag myself out of bed, but i do, because i refuse to let myself lose. I refuse to let my life be controlled by anything but my own free will. You are your own person, Jongin. Act like it" he says, raising his voice slightly at the end.

I lower my head, looking away, knowing his words hold volumes of truth. He's not saying anything i don't know. It's been a long time coming. I've needed to stand up to Kai for a long time now, but I've just been too scared to fight on my own... but maybe... maybe i don't have to.

I glance up to find Kyungsoo's scrutinizing eyes. It seems like he's trying to analyze my every movement, looking for something... but what? Horror fills my head at the very possibility of the explanation that crosses my thoughts. No. Could he be..? But why, why would anyone want that?

I open my mouth to ask, my lips trembling at the weight of the question, but it doesn't even get the chance to vibrate my vocal cords.

"Is everything alright?" Kris asks, popping suddenly into the room. His eyes roam over us, seeming to look for physical damage, like we were in here throwing fists.

Kyungsoo closes his eyes briefly, pinching at the bridge of his nose and releases a tired sounding breath. "Everything's fine. We were just talking"

Kris rests his eyes on Kyungsoo a little too long, and inches his way into the room further. "If you want, I can finish with his tutoring. I mean, I do speak English fluently, so..."

Kyungsoo glances up at Kris and gives him a tight, but reassuring smile. "It's alight, we're done here anyways."

The taller man appears to accept this, and hesitantly exits. Kyungsoo fixes me with a definite look and turns back to his desk, closing books and handing me the notebook we had been working out of. I accept it without argument and quietly make my way towards the door. My head hung low, like a puppy who just got popped on the nose for eating a shoe.

"Jongin" Kyungsoo calls, forcing my head to shoot up and over to his direction. Kyungsoo's back remains toward me, not even bothering to look up from his desk. "Think about what I said. I won't wait around forever. I won't leave the corner just to be kept in another." Kyungsoo says, his deep voice expressing emotions that clearly don't need to be said aloud.

I nod, despite the older boy not being able to see me. We both know I understand the full weight of his words.

I don't get to dwell on this for any length of time, however. As soon as I close the door, I'm pushed against the wall outside of Soo's room. My wide eyes stare up into the hard and slightly angry looking ones of none other than our house president.

"Kris?" I ask, startled by the taller man looming over me.

"Jongin, what the fuck do you think you're doing?" Kris asks, his voice damn near a hiss.

"I-I... what do you mean?" I question, shrinking back more, wishing the wall would just swallow me whole already.

Kris narrows his eyes and slams his hand on the wall beside my head, forcing me to flinch and yelp slightly. "Quit fucking with Kyungsoo. He's not a plaything you can toy around with. Leave your games to the sluts you hop in and out of bed with. Soo's too good for you."

My chests pulses with the low blow, and I immediately want to drop into the fetal position, but I don't. I haven't given anyone the satisfaction of that kind of humility in a long time. Just in time, that prickling sensation at the back of my head starts up. I breath out, gratefully. It isn't very often that I welcome Kai, but this time it almost feels like a comforting embrace, pulling me back to safety.

I stand up straight and lock my gaze into his own, causing his eyes to shutter in intimidation. It almost makes me giddy watching Kris, always such and strong and controlled man, wavering in his stance.

"You have no right to stand here and say such things. Any credibility you have dissipated when you shattered his heart to pieces. Protecting something you crushed?" I laugh darkly, almost challengingly. "Don't be ridiculous, Kris."

Kris looks horrified, his eyes wide, and there's a slight tremble to his lower lip. He glances around, almost like a paranoid drug dealer. "I don't know what you're talking about."

I laugh, deep and condescendingly. "Sure you don't. Just keep your business where it belongs, Kris. Maybe Tao wouldn't be fucking around with someone else if you knew where your place was."

Kris fumes, his nostrils flaring, his face inches from mine. Finally, someone's ready to put their actions up with their words. I'm tired of pussy ass bitches who can't stand behind their mouths.

"Okay, that's my queue." that annoying voice I've come to associate with a tiny dog repeatedly barking in your ear, interjects. "That's enough, guys"

Kris looks like he wants to protest, but there's a sort of fond softness that enters his eyes when they land on Sehun. My lip curls up at that. How can you be so fucking soft for someone you don't even get head from regularly. A voice in the back of my head warns me, scolds me over thinking such things about our supposed best friend, but i push it away. I focus back on the matter in front of me, looking between the two men who seem to be communicating telepathically.

Finally, after what feels like way too fucking long, Kris steps back and nods. He gives me one last sneer, then walks away wordlessly.

Sehun's eyes burrow into my own, and i just give him a lazy smirk. Sehun's eyebrows knit and he just shakes his head. "Of all the fucking places, Jongin. Seriously? Here?"

I roll my eyes. "Did you hear the shit he said to me?"

"Yeah, i did. You both were out of fucking line. He had no right to say those things, but you also were in the wrong. How you could say something like that? To Kris, Jongin? You know how much he loves Tao, and you know Tao would never do anything like that."

I shrug. "You never know. Tao could have gotten board, and decided to see just how green the grass is on the other side of monogamy." I snort at my own joke, and give Sehun an expectant look.

Sehun locks his jaw, and stares at me with intensely angry eyes. "The only reason i'm not kicking your ass is because i know it'll end up hurting Jongin in the long run."

"Go ahead. Fight me, bitch." I challenge.

Sehun crosses his arms and shakes his head, before reaching out and grabbing my shirt, pulling me down the hallway. "Come on, idiot."

"Where are we going?" i ask, already bored with this.

Sehun yanks my shirt a little too forcefully, making me stumble slightly in my steps. The little fucker. "To put your titan ass in timeout. I'm going to let you pull yourself out this time."

I roll my eyes again, but follow nonetheless. Sehun's a lot less annoying when you just give him what he wants. As we make our way down the hall, we pass a door. A door that Jongin has memorized almost as well as his own. A door that Jongin never fails to glance at every time he passes it in the hall. A door that's currently sitting slightly ajar, when i could have sworn Jongin had closed it on his way out.

>>>>

~Kyungsoo~

A slight creaking sound echoes through my room, as my door is pushed open the rest of the way. Baekhyun stands there, already leaning against my door frame. He waits until i meet his eyes, to lift an eyebrow.

I chuckle humorlessly. "You heard that too, huh?"

Baekhyun sighs, and nods lightly. "So... Kris then?"

I close my eyes tightly. This is definitely not something i wanted anyone to find out about, let alone in this way. Apparently this is the day our dirty little secret wants to emerge from the shadows. I guess it's true that nothing can stay hidden forever. The truth always finds a way to the surface.

"It was back in high school. It was just a fling. It meant nothing." i explain quickly, attempting to dismiss this subject matter.

Baekhyun tilts his head and scoffs mockingly. "I remember back in high school, Chanyeol had camped out at your house for over two weeks because you wouldn't even get out of bed. Now that I think about it, it was around the time that Kris and Tao officially came out as a couple. He left you for Tao, didn't he?" Baekhyun takes my silence as confirmation. "That's not exactly nothing, Soo. I never asked about what was going on because it wasn't my place, but that kind of clears some things up."

I release another sigh. It feels like i have an overabundance of them today. "Who else heard?"

Baekhyun gives me a sympathetic expression. "It was just Sehun and me, plus the two idiots fighting. Everyone else is off doing other things. Don't worry, i think Sehun kind of already knew, and I promise I won't say anything."

I nod at him in thanks and lean back in my chair. This is all just becoming too much for me. Maybe i need this weekend after all.

"So, besides the obvious, what went wrong? With Kris and you, i mean." Baekhyun asks.

Normally, i'd tell him to fuck off, or mind his own business, but for some reason the truth just seems easier than an attempt at privacy.

"I have way too high of standards." I joke cynically "i expect too much out of people and when they don't live up to my conjectures, i get my heart broken. I have extremely high standards for anyone i date, but when I find someone who meets those, they never stick around. The bitch of a paradox where i fail to meet their standards. That's the main issue with high caliber men, they expect to find their equal and when they find out that you fall short, they look for someone better. I made the mistake once of hoping someone could overlook my faults... my shortcomings. I expected Kris to stay. I expected him to love me in return. I expected to be the first choice for once. But as usual expectations are just prequels to disappointment."

"There's nothing wrong with having expectations" Baekhyun inputs, giving me a look with a mixture of concern and almost bewilderment.

I chuckle, bemused. "There is when no one can possibly live up to them. There hasn't been a single person yet who hasn't disappointed me. The problem is my standards. Maybe if I lower my regulations, I could meet someone who actually wants me. I should just lower my prospects and meet a nice guy, who i'm content with. It's wrong to expect things that normal people can't possibly give you."

Baekhyun's throaty, mocking laugh gains my attention, and i turn to him with eyebrows raised. Baekhyun rolls his eyes, and holds his hand up in defense. "Listen, Soo. Everyone has a checklist. Every single person that you'll ever meet has this imaginary catalog that's constantly being used to evaluate anyone they come into contact with. Personality, financial, mental, and yes, also attractive qualities: height, weight, and sometimes it's even down to the exact details, like eye or hair color are taken into account. If someone tells you that they don't see physical traits, call bullshit. It's science, basic biology that our internal wiring is set to notice. Every physical characteristic that you find attractive, are there for a reason. Our hard drive is set to evaluate everyone we come in contact with as a potential mate. Everyone, and i repeat everyone is appraised by this prospectus that exists in our heads, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with having those standards, Soo. There is nothing wrong with having expectations and wanting someone you meet, whom you are physically attracted to, to live up to them."

I take Baekhyun's words in stride, knowing there's a deep wisdom in them, but unable to truly allow myself to accept them. My whole life I've been exposed to the shitstorm that is my generations way of thinking. Expectations and standards are oppressive when it comes to a relationship, or even when it comes to dating. Assuming a list of qualities onto someone just isn't fair.

"But that checklist holds us back, Baekhyun. That outline keeps us from meeting really amazing people because we scratch them off at the surface. These imaginary expectations are just barriers that keep us from finding someone truly great, who doesn't necessarily meet all of our points." I explain, knowing how hard it is meeting someone who meets all of your standards... especially after you've already met someone who you basically based your list off of in the first place.

Baekhyun pushes himself off of my door frame and walks into my room, an almost sad look in his eyes. It's extremely rare to see Baekhyun like this. Raw, down to the bone. The real person behind his normal high-strung personality. Bare emotion Baekhyun kind of scars me, but i can't seem to look away, because it's just as equally fascinating.

"That's not finding someone amazing, Kyungsoo, that's settling. When someone doesn't mark off all of your qualities that are on your own list, and you convince yourself that you can live without them... that's not love, that's desperation. The desire to not be alone is a strong one. Loneliness is the biggest killer of real, meaningful love. It blinds us, refuses to let us see the actual possibilities and forces us to settle for instant gratification."

"So what do i do?" i ask, feeling like this conversation has no upside "What if my checklist isn't met by another person? What if i settle, just because i'm tired of being alone?"

Baekhyun reaches the large window on the far side of my room and stares out of it. I swear if dramatic, sad music was playing and it was raining, it would be the picturesque scene from an angsty teenage drama. "Sometimes we are our own biggest saboteurs. Sometimes we work up this idea in our heads, that we can't possibly get the person that meets our requirements, because how in the hell do we obtain such a perfect person? How do we secure such an ideal being?" Baekhyun glances over his shoulder at me and gives me one of the most heartbreaking smiles I've ever seen. The sadness in his eyes is almost overwhelming and makes me want to tear up "The ideal perfect person doesn't exist, Soo. This grand concept of the all around consummate being isn't real. Perfection is perspective. That almighty checklist is your own version of perfect, and just because someone meets those standards, doesn't meant you can't reach them. Perfection doesn't mean unobtainable, Kyungsoo."

I sit back in my desk chair, watching Baekhyun intently observing something outside. "So, what exactly is your point, Baek?" i ask softly, almost afraid that if i speak to loud, the boy in front of me, might break into pieces.

Baekhyun sighs deeply and lowers his head, closing his eyes tightly. I stare at his reflection in the window. Never once has Baekhyun and i been close before in the past, but something about the torn expression painted on his usually cheerful and carefree face, makes me want to comfort him. "You're perfect person is right in front of you. I know you've been burned before, but just because they left doesn't mean you fall short. Quit settling, and quit running. Fight for what you want before you lose it. Give them a chance, as well yourself."

Somehow, i don't think these words are just for me, but i don't comment on it. I think Baekhyun needed to tell himself these things just as much as i needed to hear them.

The last time, i let the person i love walk out of my life as easy as wind blowing through the trees. I effortlessly let him go, because i believed that he would be happier with someone else. I just stood there and watched his back turn to me, because i felt that i didn't deserve someone who checked off my list so effortlessly. Life isn't about what you do and don't deserve, though. Life is about letting yourself be happy and living a full existence. Life is about waking up each day and living it like it's your last, treating each sunrise like it's a gift. But what is life without love? Without someone to share in that life? Someone to treat your existence as precious as it really is?

Life doesn't exist without love, nor should it. We aren't genetically programmed to be alone, and though love is just a chemical reaction to inspire us to bread, it feels so fucking amazing. Love is at the very core of our existence. Love drives us to create masterpieces, from the worlds most beautiful sonnet, to the most extraordinary painting, and even to life itself. Love is our driving force, and yes it can hurt sometimes, but that's how you know it was worth something. When your chest aches so bad, it shatters you at the seams, you know that you loved someone with everything inside of you. The knowledge that you gave all of yourself to something, to someone, and lived, felt, even dreamed. That's extraordinary. That's living.

There's just one little problem "How do i start a battle with someone who's already fighting a war with themselves?" i ask, looking up to meet Baekhyun's eyes in the reflection of the window.

He smiles softly at me, his face a mixture of understanding and sympathy "You show him that you can stand next to him. He doesn't need someone to fight his own battle, but show him that you can stand toe to toe with his enemy and remain on your feet. Show him that you're not this fragile porcelain doll that will get cracked at even the mention of his enemies name. Show him that you can take some hits, and even throw a few punches of your own, like the Satan Soo we all know and love."

My eyes instinctively narrow at the cursed nickname the boy gave me back in high school, causing Baekhyun to release a small laugh. That alone smothers any annoyance i had, glad to see a bit of the normal Baekhyun peeking through.

Baekhyun stands up straight and turns away from the window, clearly forcing himself not to look back. He heads for my door, giving me a slight nod, but i stop him right before he reaches it. He stops and gives me glance over his shoulder, a question dancing in his eyes.

"How well does Chanyeol check off your list?" i ask, needing to know exactly where Baekhyun stands with my best friend.

Baekhyun smiles in an adoring, but also in a melancholic type of way "Chanyeol created points that i didn't even know i wanted. I'll never be able to settle, because he is my idea of perfection. Chanyeol is my checklist."

A pleased smirk finds it's way to my lips and i nod at the man, which he returns and leaves me alone to my thoughts. In all of my years and accumulated knowledge, i never could have even foresaw that Baekhyun would be the person who would set me straight. But he has. Everything is slightly more clear than it was before, and i know what i need to do. I know where to start, but it'll have to wait.

I have other promises to attend to first, and i need to finish packing for that. I stand and make my way to my closet to pull out my mostly ready to go bags, when i catch something out the window.

My chest aches a little at the scene in front of me. Chanyeol sits outside, his back resting against the cherry blossom tree in our backyard, with Minseok hyung's head resting on his lap. They look like they're having a deep conversation, and by the expression on Chanyeol's face, i can guess the subject matter.

Turning my head in the direction of my door, i consider going after Baekhyun. I had managed to get Chanyeol's side of the story, but there's always two perspectives to everything. Worry seizes me. Chanyeol holds up his emotions a lot, but he doesn't really hide them. Baekhyun, however, hides all of the pain behind a quick smile and an easy laugh. He's never one to let anyone in on how he's truly feeling. Those two are so similar its scary sometimes, and stubbornness is no exclusion to that.

I sigh deeply and stare at the bags resting at my feet. Maybe i should have let Sehun go this weekend instead. I glance out the window again, and find a small smile dusting Chanyeol's lips as Minseok reaches up and ruffles his hair affectionately. The moment touches me, and i can't help but smile to myself. I'll leave a mental note to tell Jongdae or maybe even Tao to keep an eye on Baekhyun. Everyone will be alright until i get back... i hope.

>>>>>

~Jongin~

Opening my eyes slowly, I take in a deep breath, and watch the sun sparkle through the leaves above me. The gentle rustling sound, accompanied by the slight breeze, puts me into a blissful ease.

I hum and adjust myself so I'm leaning on my forearms, then take a look around. I can easily recognize this place, from how many times Sehun's dragged me here.

"Ah, you're out. It took longer this time. Kris really pissed you off didn't he?" Sehun asks softly, almost absentmindedly, next to me.

I feel a sort of blood pulse rush through me at the mention of Kris' name. I push down the anger, though. Kai just let me go, and I seriously don't want to get pulled under again.

This is one of the things that Sehun figured out a while ago. Take me to a calm, quiet place, and Kai gets pretty bored, really fast. A lot of the time it depends on how worked up he is. He'll eventually let go, but sometimes I notice that he fights for control longer than he should. Sehun's the only person who's able to bring me back after Kai seizes control.

"Kris brought Soo into things. That tends to be a trigger for him." I explain, sitting up fully. "Plus, I think I was a little worked up from my exchange with Kyungsoo beforehand. I think... i think there was a moment where Kyungsoo might have actually been trying to bring Kai out... but that's impossible, right? Kyungsoo can't handle Kai. He'd destroy the small bean."

Sehun continues to look ahead, as usual doesn't seem to be surprised by anything, as well as appearing to be a little lost in his own thoughts. It took me forever to realize that Sehun doesn't really miss much. He's always been way too perceptive for his own good. Hell, he's probably figured out every possible solution for every problem the house is currently facing. He won't say anything though, he's always preferred to let people work things out on their own.

My lips pull into a guilty grimace and I reach out to brush my fingers down Sehun's back "I'm sorry. I said some terrible things to Kris. I'll apologize to him later. I shouldn't have gone that far." I say, blinking rapidly. You will not cry right now, Jongin. Keep it together.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to apologize for that asshole? You are not Kai. I know the fucking difference between my best friend and that douche. Jongin is pure and kind, and so lovable, but Kai... Kai just wants to destroy anything in his path." Sehun spits out, his words full of anger.

I sigh "clearly Kris isn't the only one Kai got to today."

Sehun shakes his head, pinching the bridge of his nose, attempting to calm himself "it's getting worse, Jongin. Kai keeps coming out more and more. It's making me worried."

I pull up a blade of grass and run it between my fingers "I know. He tends to take over when I'm stressed or emotionally torn. He seems to have gained an obsession with Kyungsoo, and is triggered every time someone brings him up." I throw the blade of grass, watching as the wind catches it and gracefully brings it to the ground "the very thing i wanted to protect Soo from, keeps hooking his claws further and further into him."

Sehun turns to me suddenly and secures my gaze "I saw him today, Jongin. He wasn't like his usual dick self. I've seen Kai go up against people who's said the exact same things to you. I've seen Kai deal with the whole 'stay away from them' situation before and it was never like that."

My eyebrows knit and I cock my head to the side "what do you mean?"

Sehun sighs and turns his body, sitting cross legged, facing me "Jongin, Kai is always quick to throw the person away if he is facing a fight. He's always fast to back down and throw the person he was interested in to the side of he's ever challenged... but today... Jongin. Kai was ready to fight, or more like, he was ready to get his ass kicked. He wasn't backing down, Jongin."

Dread fill me instantly and I groan, throwing myself back onto the ground "it's worse than I thought."

"No, wait, Jongin. You don't understand. This is a good thing." Sehun says, tapping my leg repeatedly.

I lift my arm I had dismayingly placed over my eyes and narrow my eyes at this ridiculous child "how is the person who destroys everything in their path, getting attached to the man I'm in love with, a good thing?"

Silence follows, and when I finally realize the full weight of what I just said, my eyes widen in disbelief.

"Holy shit" I say.

Sehun stares at me with an equally shocked expression and mumbles "yeah, didn't expect that one."

I huff out a bewildered breath and throw my arm over my eyes once again. My body feels heavy with this newfound revelation.

"I knew you liked Kyungsoo, but I didn't realize it went that deep." Sehun says, blowing out an weighted breath.

I nod and sigh again "I didn't either until it was out of my mouth."

I feel a light pat on my hip and lean into the comforting touch "like I said, this might be a good thing?"

"How?" I ask, my voice rough with surrender.

"I think, in his own fucked up way, Kai might care about Kyungsoo." Sehun suggest.

I cackle at the ridiculous notion "Kai doesn't care about anything but my dick, Sehun."

"Jongin, he just tried to go toe to toe with fucking Kris. The giant who's bigger than Chanyeol and has nearly put people in the hospital before. Kai was ready to fight him, i saw it. I don't think he'd do that if Kyungsoo was just a little conquest that he planned to hit and quit." Sehun notions, making gears turn in my head.

Kai's never paid attention to anyone before. I know he's done some fucked up shit to get his dick wet, but he's never actually cared about who he's messing around with. Even my parents and sisters, he's never regarded with much interest. But even the mention of Kyungsoo's name has him humming in the back of my mind.

"Kai destroys. He the physical representation of my anger and pain. I don't think it's possible for him to actually care about anything." I say, refusing to accept that Kai might actually feel something about Kyungsoo, other than lust.

Sehun shrugs when I lift my arm and look up at him "I'm just saying, Kai doesn't seem to be on a hell bent path to get into Kyungsoo's pants and he really doesn't like being told to stay away from him."

I sit up one again and consider this. It really doesn't seem like Kai is trying to bed Kyungsoo. I mean, those thoughts are there, but Kai's pulled me out before over trying to get a piece of ass. Hell, he's done it with Baekhyun. But he never once pushed his way to the surface with Soo, and I've heard some things we've thought about the older. And every time I've warned Kai away from Soo in the past, only seemed to rile him up. Could it really be that Kai might actually care for Kyungsoo?

"Ok, so let's say I accept that Kai has actually decided to see someone as a human and behave like one himself... that doesn't mean he should even get close to Soo." I say, upset by the very idea of letting that beast close to my tiny, defenseless bunny.

"Kyungsoo's not as breakable as you think he is, Jongin. He may look small and fragile, but trust me, that man can handle himself. Like you said, it seemed like Soo was trying to pull Kai out earlier... maybe he's trying to show you that he's ready to take on that challenge." Sehun says. I scoff at him, to which he rolls his eyes "so are you saying that everyone small and compact is incapable of taking care of themselves?"

I narrow my eyes at him, scrutinizing his expression, which currently looks way too smug for my comfort. "...Possibly."

Sehun smirks and crosses his arms "Levi"

I gasp, covering my mouth with my hand "how dare you. You're playing dirty."

"Do you remember when Levi cut Eren out of the Titan? How even though he knew it was a risk and that he could have hurt him, Levi choose to save Eren because he knew the kid was worth fighting for and he really did care about him? Do you remember that?" Sehun asks.

My lip trembles at the mention of that scene. It's one of my favorites. "Yeah?"

"Trust your Levi to save you from yourself. Give Soo some credit, he's stronger than he looks" Sehun explains, a strange kind of definite understanding in his eyes that I just don't quite get.

I get what he's saying, I really do. I'm just not sure if I can accept the possibility that Kyungsoo can rival against the abnormal known as Kai.

I think back to to Kyungsoo's harsh, but needed words earlier. Clearly he has the unbreakable will of someone capable of standing his own, but up against Kai? I would never be able to forgive myself if Kai ever hurt Kyungsoo in the way he's crushed people in the past.

"You can't spend your whole life terrified of your own shadow, because all you'll ever see is shadows wherever you go." Kyungsoo's words echo in my head "We all have our demons, and we all fight battles inside of ourselves everyday." Kyungsoo talks about fighting demons, about pushing through everyday with a strength that many fail to possess.

It's he that strong though? Is he capable of handling both of us?

"A little trust goes a long way, Jongin." Sehun says, placing his hand on my shoulder.

I smile at him and for a second we share a moment of understanding. Sehun is really my best friend and at times like this he proves it. Sometimes he knows me better than I know myself and I don't even know how to begin to thank him for how many times he's saved my ass.

I reach out, and quickly punch him in the arm. He flinches and gives me a mock pissed expression. "Asshole"

I snort and dodge his own punch "look at you making Attack on Titan references. Even going as far to reference a specific episode. My little Hunnie is turning into an Otaku."

"Shut up." He squeals and grabs my hands, causing a power struggle as we fight back and forth "it just doesn't suck. Plus you've made me watch the damn thing so much."

"Just admit you like it" I taunt. "Admit you love AOT, Hunnie"

"Shove it up your ass" Sehun hisses, getting into his knees, attempting to overpower me.

I laugh loudly and move onto my knees as well "fine, as long as you admit that your want to shove Armin's dick up yours."

Sehun's eyes widen to hilarious proportions "I told you that dream out of confidence" he yells before launching at me and tackling me to the ground.

We roll around for a few minutes, attempting to throw punches and knees, but just end up in a tangled mess of limbs and bunched clothing. Laughing, Sehun hauls himself off of me, disentangling his legs from my own.

"You need to figure this whole Kai thing out. I don't know what I'd do if he takes over full time."  Sehun says, taking an oddly serious approach.

I nod and lean back on my elbows. "That won't happen."

Sehun offers me a hand, and I take it, allowing him to haul me off the ground "it better not. You're too important to me. I hate when you slip away into Kai. It's like losing my best friend over and over again."

Throwing an arm around Sehun, I pull him close. "I think I'm finally ready to fight. I think I'm actually ready to take the reigns back."

Sehun smirks and playfully nudges an arm into my ribs, but doesn't move away "well, I'll grab my battle gear. You know I'll always fight right beside you."

An easy smile finds it's way to my lips. I have no idea how I managed to get a friend like Sehun by my side. No matter what, I know he'll always be here, and to me that means everything. Sehun and I may be more like brothers than anything, and I know I'll always be able to rely on him.

"There's one thing I have to do first. The beginning step of this little battle." I say as we begin walking back to the house. Sehun turns his head towards me, his eyebrows raised in a silent question, and I take a deep breath. "I have to show my titan form to Levi... Kyungsoo has to meet Kai."

>>>>>>>>>>>>

Chickens!

Here's the KaiSoo. I got you guys and update, yay!!

Sorry for you non anime people that have to deal with the AOT references, but somehow it just fits in this context. Plus, I'm anime trash and will try to work in a good reference whenever I possibility can. If you haven't watched AOT and don't understand, I apologize, but the references aren't that important for you to understand the story. Promise.

I think my favorite part from this was the scene with Baekhyun and Kyungsoo. That part came to me while I was in one of my psychology classes. We were talking about physical attraction and the qualities we absentmindedly look for in mates. It was fascinating and I was wondering what Baekhyun's opinion of this would be and this is how it came out. I hope you enjoyed it.

Next, an update on me: I might be dying. This semester might be the death of me, and I can't guarantee that you'll get speedy updates of this going forward, but I'll try my best.

But that's all I have for you on this. The anticipated SuLay is up next. See you then.

사랑해 💕

~M~