~Sehun~

The sound of my bag zipping close is way too loud in my large room. Technically it's supposed to be a double, but Tao hasn't slept in here with me since day one, so i get the over-sized room to myself. I don't mind. It gives me extra space to lay out my paintings and set up my drawling table and easel.

The only thing that bothers me is being by myself so much. I'm not too fond of sleeping alone or being by myself for long periods of time. I spent years in isolation and I don't exactly enjoy it now. Though i tend to stick to myself and put out the loaner attitude, I actually hate being left alone. Yixing and Jongin understand this better than anyone, which is why i rarely wake up without one of my hyungs in my bed. I've even woken up a few times to multiple of them sharing the already cramped bed with me.

I don't know why they insist on babying me so much, but i also can't find it in myself to mind. Even Baekhyun Hyung. Though I'd never admit it to his face, i like it when he's attentive and caring. It makes me feel important and loved. Something i never really experienced growing up.

That's why, i guess, I've always relied on my hyungs so much. They show me the love and care my parents never did. My hyungs show me what it's like to actually have a family that wants you around.

I glance at the official letter sitting on my bed, stamped with a signature and everything, as if they were addressing a client and not their son. This was something I was always accustom to, and i never thought anything of it, until i met Tao and he taught me how a real family should behave. Now their formality just feels cold and empty. A part of me wishes i could say they mean nothing to me, that my parents are just catalyst to bring me into this world so i can find my real family. But i know that's not true. They'll always be my parents.

Releasing a small sigh, i pick up the letter and shake my head before shoving the formal paper into my coat pocket. I sling my small overnight bag over my shoulder, and take one last stabilizing breath.

Yixing's words play through my head, almost reassuring. "You don't have to do this, Hunnie. You don't owe them anything."

I know i don't have to do this, but a part of me knows I'll regret it if i don't take a chance to reach out to them. They are still my parents and despite everything, i do care about them.

As i walk down the stairs, warmth spreads through my chest at what i find waiting for me.

"Are you sure you don't want us to go with you?" Baekhyun asks, his eyes soft and almost glittery with unshed tears.

I chuckle and reach the bottom, instantly pulled into the arms of one of my (I'll never admit it.) best friends. "I ... I'll be okay."

Tao bites his lip and growls lowly. "Why did Yixing have to go away this weekend? We all know he's the only person you would have accepted to go with you."

I take a deep breath, realizing this is probably more true than even they realize. Though i would love to have someone with me, i don't think they could really understand, nor could they unbiasedidly sit there and deal with what's about to happen.

Tao and Baekhyun would probably only make things worse going in there like mama bears, and Kris wouldn't let me go at all if it was up to him. The only one i trust to go and just be my supporting reassurance is Yixing.

"It'll be ok. They only asked for one dinner. I'll show up. They'll reprimand me and belittle me, then I'll politely tell them that I'm not changing who i am for them and we'll leave it at that." I say with a shrug, adjusting the strap of my overnight bag. Just a precaution. It wouldn't be the first time I've had to stop somewhere overnight to collect myself after a meeting with them.

Baekhyun reaches out and squeezes my shoulder gently, a rare moment of seriousness filling his eyes. "We're just a phone call away, Hunnie. No matter what, we'll be there."

Tao steps forward and runs his fingers through my hair. "Kris already told me that he has his keys guarded with his life. Call him and he'll be there faster than you can blink, baby."

I nod and smile slightly. "You two are talking again?"

Tao sighs and brings his hand down to cup my cheek. "We've always been able to put our personal things aside for you, Sehun. You come first for both of us."

I break first and reach out, pulling Tao into my arms and holding him tight. "No matter what, you two are my real parents. You two are the best parents anyone could ever ask for and i don't care if our situation is odd, you'll always be my mom."

Tao chuckles and tightens his arms. "Just hurry home, my son. Our family isn't whole without you."

I nod and squeeze my best friend once again, thanking whatever higher power placed me in this man's hands just when i needed him. I seriously have no idea where i would have been without Tao.

Baekhyun pinches my arm forcing us to separate, clearly expressing his own need for a hug. I give in for once, allowing him to comfort me in the only way Baekhyun knows how. Dramatic affection and clingy contact.

"Here." Baekhyun says, thrusting a lunchbox into my hands after we pull apart."I made this for you if you get hungry on the train."

I lift an eyebrow and stare at the man with hesitance.

Baekhyun rolls his eyes and pinches my arm again. "Fine, Jongdae made it. But i wrapped it... so technically i helped."

A sudden smile takes over my lips. "You're an idiot," I say, causing Baekhyun's face to take on a sudden pout, but dissipates into a wide grin when I lean forward and place a small kiss on his cheek, then add "but thank you."

When i reach the end of the driveway, i turn back to find my family, waving at me. Their expressions loving and concerned. This... this is my real home and i know that no matter what my parents have to say, this is where i will always return to. This is my everything.

><><

~Luhan~

Bobbing my head gently as the music fills my ears, i stand on the platform waiting for the train to arrive. I missed the last train by seconds, hauling down the stairs just as it was pulling away. I curse myself once again. Usually I'm really good with being on time but for some reason no matter what i do, I've been running a few minutes late all day.

I look up at the time stamp, waiting to see when the next one will arrive and sigh. It's only a few minutes, but it's still a set back. I take out my phone to shoot my friends a message that I'll be a bit late, when i happen to glance left and halt in my actions. In fact my whole body freezes and my breath falls from my lips shallowly.

Sehun sits on a bench a few feet away from me, curled in on himself and seeming to be going through a war in his head. He looks different today than usual. His normal skinny jeans and tight T-shirt is exchanged for a loose fitting pair of dress pants, like he hasn't worn them in years and has lost weight since. And a tight soft blue button up shirt fits snugly across his shoulders, like he's gained a whole wingspan since he wore it. Oddly it doesn't look bad on him, just isn't my... isn't Sehun.

The last time i saw him was a couple of days ago at the club. I expected Sehun to ignore me, go out of his way to avoid me, after what happened with Ailee. Instead he talked to me when he had to, addressed me in a polite formal way, and seemed to look right through me when we made eye contact. Honestly, i think it would have been easier if he would have ignored me. Empty eyed, stone-faced Sehun is kind of terrifying and heartbreaking at the same time.

In part, i kind of want to ignore Sehun and move on with my evening. But the way he's hunched over, and his shoulder slightly trembling has my feet moving before my head can even catch up.

"Sehun?" I call out when I'm finally standing in front of the way too small seeming boy.

Sehun lifts his head quickly, his eyes wide and searching on autopilot. Funny, i do the same when i hear his voice. It just took me forever to realize that my heart had become so in-tune with the rhythm of his vocal cords.

"Luhan?" Sehun asks, my name trembling across his lips. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same. You look kind of lost." I point out, hoping maybe addressing it will snap him out of whatever head-space he's in.

Sehun's eyebrows knit and he shakes his head, lowering his gaze. "I'm not sure i can do this. I had so much confidence this morning, but now... i just cant bring myself to get on the train."

My chest clenches at how desperate he sounds and i crouch down in front of him, despite every fiber of my being telling me that this is a bad idea. I reach out and grab his hands, shivering at how cold they are. Seriously, why isn't he wearing gloves?

"What can't you do, Sehun? What's wrong?" I ask, trying to understand.

Sehun sighs and pulls his hand away, and i have push down the sting that leaves behind, before he's reaching into his pocket. He produces a small paper that looks like it's been folded and unfolded a thousand times, as well as crumpled a few.

I take the page from him, clear that he's offering it to me and open it up. My stomach clenches as if i had just been punched. The letter basically asks for Sehun to attend a dinner with his parents. I wouldn't have found it too odd if not for knowing the circumstances, and if not for the way the letter reads.

It's too formal, too dry. This letter looks like it should be inviting a business associate or a client to dinner, not their own son. It's even signed with an official seal. Like it was even written by a secretary, not his parents themselves. My heart breaks further for the boy in front of me.

"And you're going?" I ask, unable to keep the venom out of my voice.

Sehun nods pathetically, his eyes never once leaving the floor. "At least i was trying to. Usually i have Yixing with me and i thought i was fine going alone, but for some reason this bench has become way too comfy."

I might have laughed at his small attempt at a joke if his words hadn't evolved into a small sob at the end. I take in the boy before me and he looks too terrified for a child that's going home to see his parents.

Once again my body moves before i'm able to comprehend what's happening. I pull Sehun forward and let his head rest against my shoulder as my arms wrap around his. It's slightly awkward, but by the way he breathes in and slightly relaxes, i know it's what he needs.

I'm not sure how long we sit there, but neither of us seem to want to move. Earlier conflict forgotten in the sake of comfort. My hands soothes up and down his back, writing Chinese characters across its wide expanse, secretly confessing things i may never be able to say aloud. I really wish i could give Sehun everything he wants, everything he deserves.

Sehun suddenly sits up and blinks at me steadily, his eyebrows furrowing. He opens his mouth, but stops, seeming to think better of it and sighs, glancing away. It's a habit of Sehun's i noticed a while ago. He always seems like he has something important to say, but never voices it. I wonder if it's something his parents programmed in to him. I wonder if he feels like his words aren't important enough to be heard.

The thought of Sehun going to his parents alone, is abruptly unsettling. Like this, he seems so vulnerable, so breakable, and the thought of leaving him to stand up to his parents alone leaves a painful clenching sensation in my chest. I try to push away the intense instincts telling me to protect this child with everything i have, but the more i push, the stronger the need becomes. I can't honestly justify walking away from this kid now.

"Sehun... can i go with you?" I question, causing the boy's eyes to snap back to mine. "Will you let me go with you to your parents?" I further clarify when he's silent for a few beats.

My mind screams at me to take it back and that this is a really bad idea, but when Sehun's eyes sparkle with vulnerability and he nods slightly, i can't bring myself to regret it.

><><

~Sehun~

"No way." Luhan's loud voice stops me up short.

I swallow the unpleasant bile that's been rising in my throat since we left the station and wipe my sweaty hands on the front of my pants. "What?" I ask, preoccupied with the loud, ominous pounding of my heart.

Luhan scoffs, causing me to lift my head to blink at him. "Don't 'what' me, Oh Sehun. Your house is a fucking mansion? This isn't even a mansion, actually this is the house that people in mansions dream of having. This is a fucking estate, Sehun. Holy shit."

I lift an eyebrow, slightly amused and shake my head. "This isn't my house. It's my parents. They made that clear when they kicked me out of it."

Luhan's lips pull down and a sort of regret fills his eyes. One I've seen on many of my friends faces. I don't need their pity though. I made my choices and my parents made theirs.

It doesn't stop the anxiety pitting in my stomach, though. Staring up at the house that i could never bring myself to call home. The house that i grew up in, but never felt comfortable in. I remember feeling way too cold in this place, and now looking at it, instead of longing or comfort like most kids would, i just feel empty.

"Hey," luhan says, coming closer to me and grabbing at my wrist. "you don't have to do this, Sehun. We could leave right now. We could go get bubble tea and spend the rest of the evening at pet shops playing with the puppies."

My lips part and i find Luhan's eyes, realizing for the first time how much he knows me. Honestly i'd give anything to have that evening, have that kind of happiness over what i'm about go through, but i know i'll regret it if i don't at least try. They may be fine having a disconnected relationship with their son, but i know my heart, and i know that if i don't try to at least meet them half way, i'll never let myself be content with how we left things.

This isn't our first meeting since they kicked me out. I've been back to this place many times to try to smooth things over with them, to try to find a common ground, but it's always the same. They say their side, what they want from me, and refuse to listen to my side. It's almost like they refuse to admit that their son could possibly be his own person. I think that's Tao's influence on me, that makes me want to believe that there's good in them. That there's more to them than they've given me. It's my hope that brings me here every time.

"I have to, Lu. They're my parents. I have to try." I say, sliding my arm up, my hand finding his and stealing comfort from it's warmth.

Luhan fixes me with an important expression, one that i'm sure will affect me years to come, and says haunting words that i'm sure will do the same. "Would they do the same for you?"

I take that in as well as a large breath, unprepared for what that sentence causes me to feel. Luhan's hand tightens around mine and seems fully prepared to drag me away from this place, but a loud, stern call of my name stops us in our tracks.

My father stands at the front door, his hands in his pockets and his eyes boring holes into our own joined hands. To anyone else, i'm sure he looks casual, but i know that look. I know the words waiting to be loudly expressed while that look is firmly pressed onto his face, having been on the other side of them many times. I know the anger and hostility that hides itself behind that carefully placed mask.

"We can still leave. Let you be the one to walk away for once." Luhan says, despite my feet moving us forward as if having been commanded just by my fathers stare.

I shake my head and slide my hand out of Luhan's not missing the sharp look i get in response out of the corner of my eye, and lead us up the stairs. I repress a chuckle at Luhan's huff of annoyance and wonder if he could give Baekhyun a run for his money in the sass department if he really wanted to. I just hope it isn't a repeat of the time i actually did bring Baek with me. I'm sure my parents are still cleaning small penises off the walls and floors. I'm telling you, give Baekhyun a sharpie and twenty minutes and he's unstoppable.

Needless to say, Baekhyun is no longer welcome in my parents home.

"Son." My father greets me, once we're inside and the maids have taken our coats. "You're late."

I give my father a short nod, ignoring the nagging jab. "Father. Good to see you too." I glance over at Luhan who gives me an expectant eyebrow raise. "This is Luhan, a friend of mine from school."

I intentionally withhold the information about our mutual place of work, because last time that i had mentioned the club, it didn't go over very well. Being indirectly called a prostitute by your own father stings more than you'd think it would.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Lu Han." My father expresses in perfect mandarin.

My father extends a hand and Luhan falters for a few seconds in his surprise, but then just nods and shakes my fathers hand firmly. "Of course it is." He replies in his mother tongue, and gives my father a critiqing once over, humming thoughtfully.

I've never seen my father's eye twitch in such a satisfying manner. I push back the smile threatening to pull at my lips, and cough into my hand. Even up against my father, someone many describe as charming, charismatic, and intimidating, Luhan stands his own. I've never been more infatuated with him as i am in this moment.

Maybe tonight won't be that bad.

....

~Luhan~

"How are your studies, Sehun?" Sehun's mother asks, she had joined us earlier before dinner started. I realized quickly that Sehun got his looks from her.

She's beautiful, stunning in her delicate yet sharp features. The only difference is the warmth in Sehun's eyes that is completly devoid in her own. I suddenly notice all of the telling emotions that regularly enter Sehun's eyes. If you didn't know what you were looking for, you'd miss them, but looking at someone who has his very eyes and seeing them vacant really puts everything into perspective. Sehun communicates with his eyes, not his expressions. I lock that away for future use and glance to Sehun who chews the bite of food he had just taken fully before swallowing.

"Good. My grades are all up, though i'm having a bit of trouble with one of my professors." Sehun explains, glancing up expectantly, then lowers his eyes dejectedly when no one meets them. My chest aches when it's clear that his parents could care less about their child's struggles, as they hum in disinterest. Tao and Yixing would have talked to him for two hours trying to come up with solutions and offering help. A lot of things are coming into perspective tonight.

"What's your course-load like?" Sehun's father asks, sounding almost bored as he fixes his son with a critical and intimidating expression.

"Um... I'm taking an accounting class, two required university courses and two elective courses." Sehun says quickly, looking down at the table. This is clearly a touchy subject for them and i find my anxiety prickling in my stomach for a some reason.

"Elective courses? I thought you got most of those out of the way last year?" His father asks, his tone accusing. I'm surprised he knows what Sehun took last year, but then again monitoring Sehun's academics is probably one of the few things he pays attention to about his son.

"Well... i can take more than the required. Just picking up a few extra interest classes." Sehun reasons, his shoulders tensing more and more.

Sehun's father sets his jaw and narrows his eyes at Sehun, but just so discreetly that someone would have missed it if they hadn't had been watching closely. "And what are these extra classes?"

Sehun sets his chopsticks down and folds his hands on his lap, as if he's waiting for something, and nervously plays with his fingers. "Just some art classes." He mumbles so lightly even i have to strain to hear.

The man across the table nearly growls in frustration. "Speak clearly, Sehun. How many times do i have to scold you about your mumbling?"

Sehun straitens, obviously an act that's been drilled into his head repeatedly over many years, and speaks up. "I'm taking some art classes."

Mr. Oh's eye twitches once again and sighs a bit too dramatically for my taste. Sehun sits back in his chair and says. "Here we go." Lowly under his breath, so only i hear.

"Still with that damn hobby of yours? Don't you think it's about time to get serious about your future, Sehun? You're an adult now, and you need to let go of this ridiculous notion of becoming an artist." he says, adding air quotes to "artist", like it's a completly made up occupation.

I have to admit that being an artist isn't as lucrative as whatever the hell Sehun's father does, but Sehun's exceptionally talented. It even insults me to hear the way he belittles Sehun's dream and passion. I understand now why Sehun has yet to choose a major and why he insists on taking ridiculous classes like accounting. It's because of this asshole. Even though Sehun's father wants nothing to do with him if he can't control him and isn't even paying for a fraction of Sehun's school or living expenses, he still has his hand clutched tightly around Sehun's every decision.

Sehun licks over his lips and fidgets anxiously. It's almost painful to watch someone who's usually so confident and collected turn into a close to trembling, submissive child. "I like art. Expressing myself creatively puts my mind and heart at ease. It gives me meaning and makes me happy."

I smile at that, loving the light that enters Sehun's eyes, even if it's small, when he talks about his art. I glance over at Mr. Oh, expecting him to be at least a bit considerate of his son's words, and for a second i think he's actually mulling it over, until, "That's nonsense. Being happy and putting your heart at ease won't pay the bills, Sehun. You're a grown ass man, or at least i thought you were. It's time to face up and get serious." Sehun's father nearly shouts, causing Sehun to further regress in on himself, and i have to force myself not to pull him into my arms. That would probably just make things worse at this point. "Now, there's an internship open at our company this summer. You'll take that and move back home. It's time to let go of that silly frat you've been holding on to, no good will come of that, and no good woman wants to marry a man who wasted his time with such a stupid thing."

Sehun bites at his lips and hunches in on himself, his way too broad shoulders looking painful the way their bunched.

"Speaking of which," Sehun's father continues "We had a discussion with Mr. Choi from Kim and Choi law firm, you know the large corporate law-firm that regularly takes on our cases, and it turns out that his daughter recently graduated from law school. She's a few years older than you, but she'd make an excellent wife. We need to get that ball rolling as soon as possible with arrangements, a smart match like that won't wait for you to get off your ass and decide to be a grownup."

"I don't want to get married yet. Especially to a woman." Sehun says in a small voice.

Sehun's father sighs, his hand twitching against the table, like he wants nothing more than to slap some sense into his son. He won't lay a hand on Sehun. I guaran-fucken-tee it. "Sehun, i'm tired of this. How long are you going to play around until you're ready to get serious? How much longer are you going to behave like a bratty, rebellious child? Quit wasting your time and grow the hell up."

"Enough." No one is more surprised by that word leaving my mouth than me.

"Excuse me?" Sehun's father has the audacity to look offended.

I roll my eyes and huff out a disbelieving breath. "Yes, excuse you. How dare you speak to Sehun that way."

The older man locks his jaw and narrows his eyes at me. "The way i speak to my son is none of your business."

"Someone has to step in. You speak to your son as if he's a delinquent who spends his time getting drunk and sleeping around. Sehun is one of the most talented and hardest working people I've ever met. He works himself silly trying to make perfect grades while keeping up with a job and also being active in his fraternity. You have no reason to be anything but proud of your son and if you can't see that, you really have no right to any part of his future."

"Luhan..." i hear beside me, but i hold up a hand letting him know that i'm far from done.

"And if all of that isn't enough, your son has one of the most extraordinary hearts I've ever come into contact with. He's so kind, caring, and empathetic. I've never met anyone like him, who is just so earnest and pure. Especially when it comes to his art. Have you ever seen anything of his? He's so incredibly talented. How can you possibly say he won't be successful when he creates things so raw and beautiful? You're son is amazing and a gift to anyone he comes in contact with and it truly breaks my heart that you can't see that. You don't deserve to be in his life, and there's no way in hell i'm letting him end up like you." I spit out, gritting my teeth at this man who i have the deepest distaste for.

Sehun's father sneers at me and glances at his son. "What is he to you? Is he your 'boyfriend', Sehun?" he asks, not even bothering to hide his disgust.

Sehun fidgets further and shakes his head, forcing me to regret standing up for him. Of course i should have known that the backlash would have just been focused on Sehun.

Mr. Oh laughs in disbelief. "Always so pathetic. You repeatedly show up here with faggot boys, who look more like girls than boys and have them defend you. Proud? You have to be kidding me. My disappointment just increases more and more each time i see you walk in here, followed by a mouthy, pretentious, whorish, feminine,-"

"Okay, enough." This time, it didn't come from me. "You can say what you will about me, but leave them out of it, especially Luhan. They are my family, something you'll never understand. They taught me about love and acceptance and believe in me. You never saw me as anything other than another investment that you can gain success from, but those guys, they really fucking love me. My home is wherever they are and honestly i don't know why i even come here anymore." Sehun stands and gives his mother acknowledgment for the first time since this fight started. "I guess i just had hope that maybe my parents might actually care about me and my life for once, but i see now that human emotions are too much to ask for."

For a second i see a sliver of regret and hurt pass through Mrs. Oh's eyes, before her face hardens over and returns to the neutrality I've seen on Sehun's face a few times. She looks away and Sehun nods, reaching out to grab my hand. I stand automatically and he holds on tighter, causing me to smile.

The sneer, still rest on Mr. Oh's face, when i glance back at him, but there's also something resting in his eyes i'm surprised by. He's almost impressed.

"Goodbye, Mr. Oh., Mrs. Oh. I hope you have a pleasant life." Sehun squeezes my hand once more and then pulls me out of the house that i can see now, doesn't even suit Sehun.

A small, two story home, complete with a living room just big enough for a group of boys to crowd around a small couch, a kitchen that has stains and scuffs that hold memories of laughter and loud voices, and bedrooms that have the ghosts of love, acceptance, and comfort living in them. Sehun's home looks like a porch full of boys sitting around waiting with bright smiles, and arms open for the missing piece of their family to slide back into place... and it's starting to look a hell of a lot like my home too.

><><

"Do you know why I'm so closed off to people?" Sehun asks quietly, though his voice echoes through the too quiet subway car.

Realizing this is the first time Sehun's spoke a word since we left his parents house, i turn my head quickly and blink at him in surprise.

"I just figured it was because you were shy." I say, knowing he'll prove me wrong, but something in his tone makes me wish he wouldn't.

Sehun shakes his head slowly, his eyes coming closed for too long not to be remembering some buried pain that should have stayed that way. "I was kind of programmed to keep everyone at arms length. I had a really shitty childhood. I'm sure you guessed that much, but i can't exactly recall ever being happy when i was a kid. My parents were too busy, too wrapped in their own lives to give me anything to be happy about. I was expected to be young master Oh. The progeny of Mr. and Ms. Oh, business tycoons and dominants of their field. I was so busy living up to everyone else's expectations that i forgot that i was an actual person."

Sehun pauses and against my instincts i reach out and take his hand. He squeezes once, seeming to appreciate the comfort. "That sounds like it was hard."

The younger takes a deep breath and laughs bitterly. A sound i never want to hear again. It's almost like you can hear the cracks in his heart in the tone of it.

"It was the most excruciating numbness you can ever imagine." Sehun explains, his voice full of emotions he clearly hasn't expressed in a long time. "I was so empty and hallow that i functioned completely on autopilot. I went through my days smiling when i was told to. Laughing when directed to. But never showing any semblance of my own emotions, because i didn't really have any. By the time i was in high school, i was barely coasting through life. My days consisted of what i was told to do and i didn't know how to live any other way. When i met Tao, it was by pure coincidence. We were paired together on a project for our art class. The teacher wanted us to create a piece that had both of our personalities in it." Sehun pauses and smiles sadly. "It took Tao days to get me to actually contribute, and the rest of the semester to get me to open up to him. He made me discover that it wasn't for the lack of a personality, but for the lack of an outlet to express myself. Tao encouraged me to pursue art and the more i worked, the more i came out of my shell."

A small smile touches my lips and i run my thumb over his hand. "I can see why you love Tao so much now. He opened you up and brought the Sehun we all love into the light. You're an amazing artist, Sehun, and an even more amazing person. So smart and beautiful. I don't know why anyone would want you to push that away or live as anyone other than yourself."

Sehun's cheeks pink an adorable shade of blush and his tongue nervously darts out to wet his lips. "It took me a while to find confidence in myself. After Tao kind of forced me out of my shell, i had an extremely hard time with myself. Tao was my first kiss, actually." He chuckles, "But he turned me down."

I scoff playfully and push down the pang of jealousy. "How could he turn you down? I thought you two were together for a while. You're kind of perfect together."

Sehun sits back against the train seat and stares ahead for a few seconds. "After i realized that i was attracted to men and further realized that i felt deeply for my best friend, i spiraled into a really dark place. Tao noticed too. My paintings and drawings started getting darker. I started reverting in on myself again, and i even started doing things to numb a bit of the pain. I wanted to feel something other than what i was feeling. A worse pain to take over." My pulse nearly stops, stuttering as realization takes over at what he's meaning. I can't bring myself to ask, though. I just can't form the words, too stunned that my perfect, beautiful Sehun would ever do that to himself. I just squeeze his hand, encouraging him to keep going.

"My parents of course didn't help." He says, continuing. "On good days they ignored me, but on bad every move was criticized. Suddenly their perfect little puppet that always did and acted as they expected had feelings and acted in ways they couldn't control. My father did everything he could to break me, to push me back into his little box, but i just couldn't. I couldn't go back to that emotionless, shell of a person, no matter how much i prayed to. Everything would have been so much easier if i could have repressed everything and went back. Tao showed me a world of discovery and creativity, of self actualization, and freedom. I just couldn't go back after that." Sehun takes a deep breath and his lips trembles "Tao found me at the end of our freshman year, in the bathtub, two days after my birthday, my stomach full of pills and my lungs full of water. He dragged me out of the water and stuck his fingers down my throat, saving my life. He didn't even say a word, just saved me and held me in his arms on the bathroom floor, until i fell asleep. When i woke up later that night, Tao was still wrapped around me. That's when i kissed him, he kissed me back, but i could tell that he felt nothing of romantic love for me."

A ragged breath fills my lungs, and i have to blink quickly to stop the tears from spilling over. I never knew such a pain could ever exist in my chest. I never knew that i could ache this much over someone else's scars. I remain quiet, not exactly knowing what to say or how to make this better, but somehow i don't think i can, and i honestly don't think he needs me to. Sometimes just being there speaks louder than any comforting words ever could.

"I told my parents two days later that i was gay and moved into Tao's that evening after they kicked me out. My father looked at me like i was a stranger and my mother looked like a promising business deal just fell through. It made me realize how much they never truly knew me. How much they never wanted to know me." Sehun explains, tugging my hand gently. "I know how hard it is to be real with yourself, Luhan. I know how hard it is to be true and to live with the consequences. But i also know how hard it is to live a lie. To try to force yourself into a box you outgrew a long time ago. All you're doing is hurting not only those involved, but most importantly yourself." Sehun finally turns to me and his eyes are soft, caring. "Did you know, that my parents have a division of their company in Beijing? I learned basic Chinese when i was a child, Lu. Spoken and Written." He explains letting the weight of his words fully crash onto my shoulders.

I swallow thickly and stare into this boys eyes, the intense understanding settling around us so heavily i can feel it fill my lungs with every breath. "S-Sehun..."

"All of those things you said back there, hold true for you too, Luhan. You're such an amazing person. Your existence literally lights up anyone's world who is lucky enough to be close to you. You are the brightest star standing among the darkest night and nothing will ever change the way you shine. Nothing will ever make the people who truly love you feel anything less. You deserve the world, but the world doesn't deserve you. You're so strong and brave, but you have to be who you are, Luhan, because living a half life isn't really living at all. Please trust me on that."

Sehun squeezes my hand once more, his lips curving at the end and i know my attempts of holding back tears have failed when he lifts a hand to catch the wetness on his finger. I breathe out a rough breath and wonder how the gods even thought up such a being as Oh Sehun. He's too precious for this realm. He truly belongs among the heavens, and yet he's sitting next to me on a train, giving me one of the most accepting and understanding looks I've ever seen.

I feel it before i see it happen. The atmosphere changes, as Sehun leans forward, pausing briefly before his lips touch mine. His lips aren't as soft as i imagined, chapped because of the cold, but the carefulness of them makes up for it. For once i give in, and let myself fall into it. I allow myself to be true to myself and enjoy the serge of electricity running all the way from my lips to my toes. Before i know it though, and honestly before i'm ready, he's pulling away. I realize that i had closed my eyes, but snap them open when i feel him stand next to me.

The train comes to a stop, our exit standing before us, and i don't have time to think before Sehun's guiding us onto the platform and heading for the stairs. My mind is a jumble of confusion and uncertainty all the way back to campus. I've been over this a thousand times in my head, but after today nothing feels right anymore. My earlier convictions and decisions seem so unimportant and even ridiculous. Sehun went through so much just to be who he is, and what i'm doing is so cowardly compared to that.

He says he understands me and what i'm going through, but truly my experience pales in comparison to how hard Sehun had to fight, how hard he's still fighting. Even when he came to me, so open and honest about his feelings, he was fighting. Knowing what i know now, i realize how hard that had to have been for him and immediately feel guilt and regret settle over myself. I've been making it so hard on him, when it's a struggle every day for him to just get out of bed and be who he is.

Sehun says i'm strong and brave, but when i look at the man walking confidently next to me, his hand reassuringly pressed into my own, I realize that he hasn't spent a lot of time looking at his own reflection. This is the personification of strength. To stand next to the person you care about and shamelessly love them, openly and proudly. Sehun's the real star, because i'm so dim next to his radiance.

Sehun squeezes my hand, which i return and he glances over at me, a small happy smile painting his lip. I'm grounded in that moment, realizing that i don't mind being lackluster next to Oh Sehun, when he looks at me with every bit of love and warmth in his heart, i know that i'll never have to go through the darkest nights alone, ever again.

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Chickens. Here's the HunHan. Consider it a late Christmas present. I hope you all had an amazing Christmas and are enjoying your holidays.

This chapter was a bit hard for me to write emotionally. In light of recent events, the subject talked about in this chapter might be a bit difficult on some readers. Please trust me that it was planned from the beginning and i didn't intend to upset anyone. Understand that suicide should never be an option and just like Sehun, there are always people who love and care about you. Whatever you're going through or wherever your life is, things will get better and you are stronger than it all.

You are all loved so much and i truly mean that. 💕

I'll see you guys next chapter. XiuChen is up next.

사랑해 ❤️

~M~