Chanyeol's breath and my own mix together in a large cloud of mist. Our labored huffs echoing off the ally walls as we move towards my car.

"Fuck, Chen. I'm not sure i can go any further." Chanyeol protests, his arms trembling and threatening to give out any second from the strain, as he braces himself against the wall for a second.

I groan and shift my weight, trying to take some of the work out of his hands for a few beats "we're almost there, Yeol. Come on, you can do this." I say in a hushed voice, trying to keep quiet in the early morning, not wanting to get caught doing such a thing in broad daylight.

Chanyeol whines and flexes his arms, shifting the weight around, as I pull away for a second. He gives me a desperate look, clearly telling me to hurry up. "It's too much."

I roll my eyes at the over-dramatic crybaby. "I know you can take more than this, I've seen you do it many times. Relax and quit tensing, you're only making it worse."

Chanyeol groans and lowers his head, shifting his weight once more. "Please just hurry."

I hum, and turn around, opening the car door. I push the seat back, and move out of the way just in time to watch Chanyeol, wobbly legs and all, put a very much passed out Minseok into the passenger seat of my car. Minseok garbles a bit in his sleep and rolls onto his side slightly. Cute.

Once i get the seatbelt fashioned around him, i step back and observe a very sore looking Chanyeol, who's currently rubbing relief into his arms. A part of me feels bad for making him carry Minseok all the way to my car, mostly by himself, but another part of me knows that i wouldn't have had the strength to carry him dead weight across the cafe to the back exit on my own.

"Thanks, Yeol. Trust me, i know he's heavier than he looks when he's passed out." I say, helping Chanyeol rub some blood back into his bicep.

Chanyeol shakes his head and stares at a still sleeping Minseok, now drooling on my leather interior. Adorable. "Just take care of him. He hasn't slept properly in four days and has been working nonstop. He needs this."

I pat Chanyeol's shoulder and nod, "I'll make sure he gets the rest he needs, though with the way he's sleeping, he might not need it. I'm surprised he stayed out with all of the whining you did while bringing him out here."

Chanyeol pouts at me for the jibe, before a sheepish look crosses his face. "I might have slipped some sleep medicine in his coffee this morning when he wasn't paying attention."

I blink steadily ahead before slowly turning my gaze on my younger student "i don't know whether to be impressed or pissed..." i sigh and shake my head "I'm going to leave before I decide it's pissed."

"Bye, Hyung. See you Sunday." Chanyeol waves, his smile way too excited to watch me leave.

My eyes narrow on instinct and i point a finger at the boy, threateningly "You guys better fucking behave while I'm gone. I swear to god, Chanyeol. You guys better be like virgins at bible school, or so help me..."

"Got it, dad. We'll behave. Promise." Chanyeol grins and waves at me as I get into the car, praying that i won't be called to bail one, if not all of those idiots out of jail this weekend.

>>>>

Okay, so realistically this might not have been the best idea. When Chanyeol had first introduced this gem of a plan to me, I'd thought it sounded good, fun even. But now, as i stare at Minseok's ridged back, overhearing faint angry sounding murmurs, I'm second guessing a few things.

The drive down here was pleasant, with Minseok sleeping most of the time. The scenery outside the car, plush and green as we passed small towns and farms, eventually giving way to costal views and more populated cities. I hummed pleasantly along with the radio the whole way, feeling lighter and lighter the further we get from Seoul. Don't get me wrong, i love the city and it will always be my home, but when I'm there the heavy burden of responsibilities stretch me a bit thin sometimes. It's nice to get away. Or, at least i felt that way, until my slumbering passenger fell back into consciousness.

"Min-"

"Don't." Minseok warns, his voice heavy with frustration.

A sigh pushes from my lips and i grab my phone out of my pocket and place it in the car, along with the keys. I'll just let Mr. Crabby-pants seethe for a bit, but this is somewhat of my vacation too, and I'm not wasting it.

"Where are you going?" Minseok asks before i can even get a few feet from the car.

I glance over my shoulder and shrug. "I'm going to let you be pissed in silence. I haven't had a weekend off to do as i please in a long time, Seok."

Minseok scoffs and rolls his eyes. "That water is freezing, Jongdae. Don't be a dumbass."

Releasing a huge sigh, i take a big step backwards, pulling my shirt over my head "Listen, you can be mad all you want about the whole kidnapping thing, but you were starting to look sickly and we were worried about you. I know you're stressed about your apartment and you want to unburden yourself from us as soon as possible, but one, killing yourself to do so isn't right, and two, we actually really like having you around. Take a fucking break, Minseok. Allow yourself to breath for a damn minute and relax."

Minseok's eyebrows bunch together, his eyes softening as he realizes the actual intent of this weekend, but he says nothing. I take that as his explanation of needing some space and nod, leaving him there as i head towards the cool, sparkling blue water. It's practically calling my name.

......

I pull out of the water, not caring about the stupidly large grin on my face. Something about water just puts my mind at ease. The feeling of it surrounding my body, relaxing my bones and soothing my muscles. It makes me feel alive and calm at the same time. I can never get enough of the feeling of being weightless, spreading through the crystal clear blue as if it were viscose air. It centers my soul, balances my being. 

After my inevitable rock bottom, i spent two months on an island in the middle of fucking nowhere, detoxing. It was hell, and i was miserable. There wasn't a drop of alcohol in sight though, so it was either fight and come out on the other side stronger, or give up and throw myself into those waves. I didn't make that choice on my own.

Those waves welcomed me as their own at my lowest point, but clearly decided that i was worthy of something better. I woke up the next morning, achy as hell and coughing up seawater out of my lungs, while laying on the beach, watching the sunrise. It was one of the most beautiful sights I've ever bear witness to. I'll never be able to show my appreciation to whatever water gods showed me mercy and gave me a second chance.

"You look at home in there." Minseok comments. He's now sitting on the beach, knees drawn up, drawling aimless doodles on the sand with a stick.

A small smile touches my lips as i drop down onto the sand next to the pouty chipmunk "i feel at home in there."

Minseok glances up, his eyes meeting mine before he bites his lip and looks away. "i didn't know you had an affinity for water."

I can't help the smirk that touches my lips, "we've been through a lot together."

The stare i get from that nearly burns into the side of my head, but i choose to ignore it. I don't feel the need to explain that one just yet.

Thankfully, he doesn't push it, and continues to draw his doodles "I didn't know you had tattoo's." Minseok comments instead.

I jolt slightly, remembering my half clothed state and snort "I'm sure there's a lot you don't know."

The pout returns to his face and he take a deep breath. "You're being vague."

I shrug and shake some of the water out of my hair. "Trying not to step on landmines."

Minseok straightens at that and sighs "i haven't been fair to you, have i?"

A chuckle falls from my lips before i can stop it. "You kind of have every right, Minnie."

"I don't though. You're a good guy. Obviously you've changed, and you're trying. I should be giving you a chance to prove yourself. I promised you that. But here i am, getting pissy and placing a wall between us again." Minseok says, throwing his stick to emphasis his frustration with himself.

"Minseok. I'm not expecting this to be easy. I'm not expecting you to immediately fall into my arms and forgive everything. Clearly, both of us know what i want. I'm willing to work and be patient for it... for you." I explain, taking a breath of fresh air as i finally lay what i want out there for both of us to see.

There's no running from it now. It's out there for both of us now. Minseok know's that i want him. Friendship is nice, but now that I've gotten a taste of what it's like to have Minseok in my life since he's been staying at the house, i want more. I want him. Everyday. I want to wake up to the smell of Minseok on my pillows, and the feeling of him in my arms. I want to spend my days arguing with Minseok about how many cups of coffee he drinks, or how i shouldn't call off class as much as i do. I want to plan a life with this small man next to me and call him mine.

Something happens when you spend your days living hour to hour. When the most important thing is the next party. The next warm body. The next thing to dull your emotions and you can only see as far ahead as the next bottle. When things settle and you pull away from that, you crave simplicity. You want the little things and someone to share them with. I'm just hoping Minseok wants the same. I've lived my life. I've done the wild college, freedom shit. Saw the other side and i was far from impressed. I'm ready to settle down and i would love to have Minseok next to me on that next adventure.

"I've spent half of my life on that damn coffee shop, Dae." Minseok says, taking me by surprise for a second. I remain silent, waiting for him to gather his thoughts. "I spent so much time, so much effort, poring so much of myself into that cafe. I built it from the ground up. It's been my dream since i was a kid, and i... i never had much time for anything else."

Sitting back on my hands, i nod thoughtfully. I know what he's getting at. Minseok hasn't had much time to think about himself or what he wants. He was so busy cultivating his dream, he never got around to planning his future once he achieved it. Somehow it sounds eerily similar to the boy who didn't want to grow up and never got around to taking his future seriously until it's staring him in the eyes and calling him a name he never knew he wanted desperately to hear.

"You should still feel proud." i say, wondering if Minseok is missing the biggest picture here. "Even if you didn't have much time for anything else, and you're sitting there, wondering what the hell to do now. You still made something amazing. You still succeeded in creating your dream. You built a successful business, with warmth and passion in it's very bones. That's... that's something to be damn proud of, Minnie."

Minseok's eyes shine with emotions i'm not exactly familiar with and he offers me the sweetest smile I've ever seen. I wish more than anything that my memory chooses to capsulize this smile and hold onto it. I might need it when i'm old and grey, and need to look back on the moments in my life that truly meant something.

"What was your dream, Dae? What did you want when you were younger?" Minseok asks, his eyes casting out to sea, seeming dazed by the dancing breaks.

I groan and collapse back onto my forearms "I hate that question."

"I'm serious." Minseok says, nudging me.

My lips pull into a cringe and i take in a large breath. "Getting laid and getting high."

"That's not a dream, Dae. I mean when you were younger. What did you aspire to do?" Minseok asks.

"Honestly?" Minseok nods and turns back to me with wide, truthful eyes. Like he's waiting for me to bestow the secret of life to him. "I wanted to be a writer. To create beautiful worlds other than our own. I wanted to be one of the people that wrote the safe, magical places to escape to that i had religiously fled to when i was younger."

I remember the years of my youth. Instead of going out and playing in the dirt or getting scuffed up climbing trees, i escaped into new worlds. Books were my happy place and i spent years with my nose buried in them. It was a silly dream to believe that i could be one of those people orchestrating those worlds.

"What changed?" Minseok asks, his tone unsurpirsed, much to my own.

I shrug, uncommitted. The truth of a child's lost dream in the face of reality still stings a little. "I did."

He looks like he wants to fight my half-assed answer, but thankfully drops it... sort of. "So, what's your new dream then?"

Here we go with that one. It's a common theme they love to talk about in AA. What now? Where is your life going now? It's not enough that you got your shit together, got sober, and are now holding down a steady, well paying job. No, you have to have dreams and aspirations. Apparently getting clean, comes with the notion that you're lead by a deeper meaning. I just was tired of being so fucking tired. That's really it. I looked at my life and decided that i was over it and pushed myself. I went through hell to get there, but it was all worth it. For them, it was worth it.

The truth is, i don't have much of a direction. I don't know if teaching is my new dream. I don't know if it's just a stepping stone, or if i'm just content living a simple life, but i know there's really one thing i truly want.

"To be happy." i say simply, "my new dream is to be truly happy."

Minseok gives me an odd look, like he had just met me for the fist time and is trying to figure me out. I guess in some sort he kind of did.

He smiles then, almost like he's holding onto a secret that he'll never share "maybe that can be my dream too... to be happy?"

My heart stutters in my chest and i have to force myself to breathe. Minseok's just so beautiful sometimes, and he never fails to surprise me. I finally let my whole body fall to the sand and cover my eye with my arm. Maybe it's not as far fetched as it sounds. Two people moving forward together without a plan, but always with a clear goal in mind. To find happiness. It's almost impossible not to feel hopeful.

When i look up, and Minseok glances down at me with a small smile on his lips, i'm overwhelmed with a sense of peace... it's almost like watching a sunrise after a second chance. It's stunning, heartwarming, and full of promise.

>>>>

~Minseok~

It's kind of amusing actually. Watching Jongdae tiptoe around our hotel room, organizing things and shuffling through things that really are fine the way they are. He's being cautious and i kind of feel bad about that. But it's also fucking funny.

At first i was mad. Like really mad. Like making Jongdae stop on the side of the road so i could be upset without wrecking us, kind of mad. When Jongdae explained what was really going on though and why i'm here, my anger drained.

We had a moment on the beach. A wonderful moment where Jongdae was actually real with me for a minute and acted mature. I heard him. Saw him. I keep forgetting how much we're alike now.

Once Jongdae calmed down and his soul seemed to stop wondering, he's leveled into the person i only got glimpses of back in college. Could it really be possible that the direction we're heading in could converge? Is it possible to want that same things going ahead? Can i really afford to hope?

Jongdae stops in his pacing of the room and looks up at me, his tongue swiping nervously over his lips for a second and opens his mouth, before thinking better of it and going back to his erratic behavior.

I snort, causing him to turn towards me in surprise with confused eyes. I shake my head and climb off the bed i claimed when we got here.

"I'm hungry. I'm going to get some food." i announce, finding my phone and stuffing it into my pocket.

When i turn back to Jongdae, he looks even more lost than before. I roll my eyes and open the door "come on, i'll buy you something delicious."

He jumps into action, scurrying after me, and i swear, if he had a tail it'd be wagging so fast, it'd blur.

..

So, apparently going to get something to eat, turned into spending the rest of the day exploring Busan. We found an arcade, which we spent way too much time and money in. Later in the day we found a street market, ending up in a dumpling shop. It was so good. Jongdae stared at me in both amusement and amazement at how many of those delicious, steamed, meat-fill puffs i packed away. Zero regret.

By nightfall, we ended up back at the beach. The place where all of this started. It's exceedingly more beautiful now that i can fully appreciate it. Jongdae sits next to me, cross-legged, and seems perfectly at home. I had to stop him from plowing into the water again. I'm still not convinced he didn't get hypothermia from earlier. It's getting warmer, but not that warm.

Jongdae licks happily at an ice cream, while I snack on hadok, and watch the waves. I can't remember the last time i was this comfortable around someone. Usually when I'm around other people, I'm grasping at things to say to them or trying to overanalyze every bit of their body language. I'm normally so awkward and uncomfortable around others. Many years of being by myself has conditioned me to prefer the quiet and peacefulness of being alone. But Jongdae doesn't mess that up.

He doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. I don't feel the need to fill the silence, because Jongdae knows when to fill it just fine and doesn't expect me to contribute. The real kicker, though is that Jongdae compliments my silence. Like now, we are just sitting next to each other, embracing the silence and it's... comfortable.

Jongdae sighs suddenly and leans over, placing his head on my lap, and kicking his legs out. He offers no explanation, but honestly I'm not upset about it in the slightest. It's kind of endearing in a way.

I've noticed that Jongdae's just like that. He's quirky and there's a whole world inside his head different from everyone else's. It's almost a privilege just to be a part of a piece of it.

>>>>>>>

~Jongdae~

"What does this mean?" Minseok asks, tapping my shoulder lightly. His fingers trace over my back like feathers brushing my skin.

I repress a shutter at the feeling and move my head more to the side so i can look up at him. It's Saturday. Last night we had called it an early night and climbed into our beds with full stomach and fluttering hearts. It was one of the best nights of sleep I've had in a long time.

Today we decided to be lazy and chill out in the sun on the beach. We set up under an umbrella and have watched the sun stretch across the sky. It's been a picturesque day. Minseok's had his headphones in listening to music, and I've been reading a book Baekhyun had recommended to me.

Like this, I'm happy. I'm content. Honestly, i could see myself doing this for the rest of my life.

Minseok's fingers press a little harder around my spine and i have to push down another shiver at how good it feels to have him touch the sensitive area. It brings me back to his question, though.

"That's Osiris. He's an Egyptian god." I explain. It's surprisingly the first time anyone's ever asked.

"Why an Egyptian god? Are our gods not good enough?" Minseok teases.

I chuckle and shake my head against his thigh "i just remember hearing the story about him and just loved the symbolism and meanings behind it."

Minseok tilts his head, eyes still latched onto the ink scrawling down the left shoulder to the right side of my lower back "what's the meaning?"

I smile at that. Most people wouldn't care enough to ask and would go on about their day. Minseok really listens when people talk. He's always had this habit of making people feel important.

"Basically, he's kind of the representation of a second chance to me. Osiris was the ruler of Egypt. He had everything, a loving queen by his side, a prosperous land, and was a pretty bad ass ruler whom his people loved and adored. He was killed by his brother Set because he wanted the crown, and had the pieces of Osiris's body strewn all throughout the land. Well, long story short his wife, Isis, and sister Nepthys, who's also happened to be Set's wife, went and got all of his pieces, put him back together, and brought him back to life. Instead of taking the throne back from his brother, he decided to go rule the underworld and help lost souls to the other side. He didn't feel like he had a right to take back his old life because he had been disconnected from the land of the living for so long, but he made a new one for himself and became one of the most badass underworld rulers of all time. In Grecian recounts he's sometimes depicted as a Phoenix, to go with the whole 'from the ashes' theme. He just kind of represents starting over, and making a new for me. I connected with Osiris in a way even i don't understand fully, so i got a tattoo of him." I smile at the story that has somehow always stuck with me, and glance up to find Minseok's eyes no longer on my tattoo. "Sorry, i kind of nerded out there, didn't i?"

Minseoks lips brush with a faint, but almost fond smile. "No, don't apologize. I loved it... but one thing?"

"What's that?"

"Set? Please don't tell me that bastard just got to rule for the rest of his life? Like did no one step in after he killed his own brother?" Minseok asks, sounding irritated.

I chuckle at that, my heart bursting with so much affection for this man. "No, actually after Iris and Nepthys brought Osiris back to life, Iris became impregnated with Horus, Osiris's son. When he came of age, he challenged his uncle for the throne. In some cases he killed him, and in others he just banished him from Egypt, but Horus came to rule and like his father, was pretty badass about it."

Minseok sighs seeming relived "good. I'm glad that asshole got what he deserved."

I snort and roll onto my back, so i can look up at this beautiful man before me. I've never know anyone like him, and i curse myself for all of those years i wasted. All of those years i could have spent held up in Minseok's room, reading books, telling stories, and watching stupid movies. Instead of throwing my life away into every bottle and every person that hopped into my bed, i could have been starting a life, a path with this beautiful man who was so in love with me. I never deserved his love, and hell, i still feel like i don't, but i'll spend the rest of my life earning it. If he'll let me, that is.

Minseok grins and pushes his fingers through my hair, nails scratching lightly over my scalp. I hum contently and close my eyes, letting my senses take over. I could really see myself being happy with this for the rest of my life. Quiet moments of short talks and small touches, early morning smiles and whispered teasing, late night movies and snacks, while hands wonder. I can see it, feel it all, and oh, how i want it.

Thinking back to Minseok in college. He was quiet, reserved, but now that i'm getting close to him, i realize that he's not really what people expect. The many times that i caught him staying up late, meticulously organizing his study notes, in the kitchen cleaning it from top to bottom, or even the times i'd pass him in the hallway and get the most delicious whiff of coffee. There's so much more to Minseok than meets the eye, and i curse myself once again for wasting so much time. I peek open my eyes to find that Minseok has gone back to watching the water, his eyes twinkling with calm and joy, and i quickly remind myself to never make that mistake again and lose my chance.

Curling towards Minseok, i bury my face into his abdomen. My heart sings at the sound of his surprised melodic giggle, while i take in a deep breath. I smile as i breathe in the smell of coffee, pastries... and home.

....

As the sun started to get lower in the sky, we decided to go on the hunt for food. We ended up in another outdoor market, eating street food. Some foods were local to Busan, that I've never tried before. It was so good, and i couldn't stop the delighted moans from seeping from my lips. If there's one true love i have in this life, it's food, and i'm more than happy to find that a certain hamster like make shares in that idealism.

"Okay, so order of things you love?" I can't help but ask, nudging Minseok's shoulder after i finish the last of my chicken on a stick that has a glaze on it, that's practically arousing.

Minseok hums and tilts his head to the side, thinking it over. "Coffee is number one. More specifically my coffee shop and everything it entails"

"Given." i say, snorting. That was obvious. If Minseok didn't love coffee, he wouldn't be where he is. And seriously, Minseok's coffee is the best in the city. Trust me, once you've had it, there's no going back. Everything sucks by comparison.

"What's your number one?" Minseok asks, taking another bite.

"Pass." i say, chuckling at his scrunched up mock angry face.

"What? No, you have to tell me. Come on, Dae." Minseok goads.

My head shakes automatically before he can even finish "Nope, pass."

Minseok gives in with a dramatic huff "fine, your second."

Now that one i can answer. I put on a show of thinking for a second, and answer simply with "my bike. It's the first thing i bought after i got sober. It's really important to me, kind of like the thing that made me realize i was getting my shit together."

Minseok gives me a proud looking smile, and i can't help the twinge of delight at getting Minseok's approval for something that most people would see as insignificant.

"Okay, second love?" I push, leaning over and stealing a bite of Minseok's chicken. I really just want to get to know Minseok more. Crumble a few walls. The best way to do that, is to get to know what someone cares about. You do that and you'll find pieces of their heart they've hidden away from the rest of the world.

He looks stunned for a second, stopping dead in his tracks, with wide eyes, just before they narrow "food" he says in an ominous tone.

The cackle that pulls up out of my throat is unexpected, but also can't even dare to be stopped. He just looks too cute. Like a pissed off kitten. "did i just commit a sin, then?"

He nods, giving me a wide eyed, disbelieving expression "the highest of sins. You might have to be beheaded."

I snort and shake my head "how about i buy you another?"

Minseok places his hand on his chin, rubbing it dramatically. Too fucking cute "make it two, and your sins will be forgiven."

"Anything for you, my lord." i bow theatrically, probably amusing most of the food venders and tourists, and go to buy the man his chicken.

"Third love." Minseok says, when he accepts my offering gratefully. Truthfully that smile is completly worth it. I'd go into debt buying chicken for this man if i got to see that smile everyday.

I think about it for a second before my answer rises to the surface and i actually don't feel embarrassed admitting it for once. "Books." i state, confidently. In the past i got so much shit from friends, and people i'd party with when they'd catch me with a book in hand, but I know Minseok won't judge me. I know he sees value in the things i care about. "Third?"

Minseok's lips tick upward slightly, shyly almost. "don't laugh, and don't you dare tell anyone else."

I lift my hand and place it over my heart, locking his secret away with a promise. "to my deathbed."

He seems placated with that and sighs "Chanyeol"

My eyebrows lift and my lips pop open in surprise. "Like, Park Chanyeol? Like the kid i watched take out a trashcan the other day because he was trying to talk to and chase a squirrel?"

Minseok's cheeks pink and he ducks his head "i can't help it. I have one of the highest levels of fondness for that kid. He's kind of become my best friend in the years that he's worked for me. We take care of each other like family. I love him."

My head shakes subconsciously "But number three, Min?"

He chuckles and shrugs "i live simply. I don't surround myself with a lot of things, but the things that are there, are important. I love the rest of the boys, but Chanyeol just wormed his way into a special place in my heart."

"Min... he wrestled with the trash for ten minutes after he got tangled up in a piece of string and couldn't get himself untied. A child came over and freed him. A young girl had to save a grown ass man from himself."

Minseok can't contain his laughter anymore and doubles over laughing, before he collects himself and stands, still giggling. "I didn't say i know why i love him so much, but i just do. He's like my younger brother. We look out for each other. We have a similar situation, and i don't know... just get one another. He's my Chanyeol."

A small affectionate smile touches my lips at that. I don't know why I do, but i find the level of care those two exhibit for each other, exceptionally sweet. I'm not even close to jealous. Actually, I understand why they're close, why they just get each other. Minseok lost his mom when he was young and grew up with just his dad. They aren't exactly close, especially after Minseok decided to open a cafe instead of going into accounting like him. It was common knowledge at the fraternity why Minseok decided to stay on campus for the holidays. I think that's why, when senior year rolled around, all of us stayed at the house and had our own family Christmas. It was the only Christmas for those four years that i can remember being sober for, and it is still to this day, one of my favorite memories.

"What's your number one?" Minseok asks, his cheeks adorably full of chicken. Giving me a side glance like he's trying to trick me.

I risk a smirk and just shake my head at him "maybe i'll tell you later."

His face instantly deflates and he looks like a disappointed kitten "come on, i told you mine."

My tongue peeks out and licks over my lips "i'll tell you one day."

Minseok pouts at me and i have to resist the urge to reach over and pinch his puffy cheeks. Deflection always seems to work for the man though, because i noticed the sky's getting dark and when i point it out to the man, he instantly forgets about it and starts grumbling about his chicken getting wet.

It's not that i don't want to tell Minseok about this love, it's just that this love isn't just at the top of my list, this love is my list. Minseok's just not ready to hear about it yet. Maybe one day I can share the love of my life with the person i want to share my life with, but not yet.

>>>>

~Minseok~

Jongdae's not as sly as he thinks he is. I gave him an out though, and allowed myself to become 'distracted' by the threat of oncoming rain. I eat the rest of my food quickly, my mind turning over and over at the possibility of what his first love could be. There has to be a reason he wants to keep it a secret and i'm prepared to let him for as long as he needs. He'll tell me when he's ready, and i'll wait patiently for that day.

An abrupt crack of thunder has me jolting, as Jongdae wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me to his chest. My heart stutters for a second, before it begins it's rapid assault on my rib-cage. My eyes slowly raise to Jongdae's, and we lock eyes, entrapped in each other, unable to move.

The sky opens and water cascades all around us, soaking everything in it's path. Jongdae's wide eyes force a giggle out of my throat, then his expression morphs into an adorable pout, and it turns into full blown laughter.

He looks like a drentched cat. His shirt clinging to him in seconds and his hair favoring no better.

Jongdae goes to run for shelter, disappointingly letting me go, but i stop him with a hand on his arm.

Turning to me in question, Jongdae is about to ask something, but i dont let him. I just let my hand slip down his his arm to his hand and clasp it tightly. Jongdae blinks, then I'm pulling him further out into the rain, jumping in puddles and spinning around in ridiculous circles.

Jongdae seems shocked for about two seconds before his face lights up, and he joins me. To the rest of the people in the market we probably look insane. Two grown ass men, dancing in a downpour and getting soaked, but to us, this makes the most sense in the world.

>>>>

We're both sopping wet when we arrive back at the hotel. Laughter ingrained in our lips and a delirious giddiness of childlike innocence pressing inside us.

Jongdae grins hurrying into our room. "I can't believe we just did that. Do you know how long it's been since I last played in the rain?"

I chuckle and step closer to Jongdae as he pulls his soaked shirt over his head. Our eyes meet and I'm taking another step. Inches from each other.

There's a moment. A moment when Jongdae looks uncertain. Hesitation deep in his eyes. I clear all of that away instantly by pulling him in, wrapping my hand around the back of his neck and meeting his lips.

It takes a second for him to respond, almost as if he's waiting for me to pull away. Like he's waiting for me to change my mind. It's sweet, and it shows how much Jongdae's changed. He would have never hesitated years ago.

Jongdae finally snaps out of his trance and reaches for me. Hungry hands grab at my waist and hips, pulling me against him. A pleased hum falls from his lips and i fight back a moan, when his thigh presses against my front.

Before i realize it, I'm being pushed back, landing on the bed. We bounce a bit and a loud giggle forces it's way out before i can stop it.

Jongdae grins down at me, amused "You're so cute. You know that, right?"

My breath catches and i freeze, as Jongdae proceeds to attack my neck, not noticing my reaction "how cute?" I ask in a small voice.

Jongdae seems to finally get it and pulls back, staring into my eyes with a meaningful expression. His face saying everything I've been suspecting for too long. Everything I wish I didn't know.

"Too cute for me to think sensibly" he whispers, leaning in and gently kisses my lips, while my head spins with memories I'd rather keep buried.

..

~Minseok~ (El Dorado Royale, Cancun, Mexico. Years ago.)

"Dude, check that one out." One of my fraternity brothers call, shamelessly ogling a beautiful, startlingly tan woman walking by.

"God. They don't make them like that in Korea, man." another whistles under his breath.

I'm not entirely sure if god has anything to do with that, but it's none of my business. I've already expressed that it's not my cup of coffee, and thankfully the others respect that. Plus, it's not like i could appreciate anyone else even if i tried. Not when he's here.

Jongdae sits across the pool, his lips turned up into that foxish grin of his. Gods, he's so beautiful. His eyes turn towards mine for a second and i swear my heart stops, but he just continues to mess around with the other boys, looking right through me. I shouldn't be surprised. It's the one thing i'm best at, being invisible. Especially to Kim Jongdae.

"Min, what's wrong? You look like you just sucked on a lemon." Kyuhyun chuckles, nudging me.

I whine and laugh as i push him away. "nothing, just not as tantalized by the locals like everyone else is."

Kyuhyun tilts his head and considers this, before an evil smirk settles across his face. uh oh. "You know, there's a club downtown. I heard about it from the some of the other tourists. They apparently cater to... alternate lifestyles.

"A gay club, Kyu? Really?" i deadpan, my eyebrow lifting at my friends ridiculousness.

Kyuhyun's smirk deepens and i know i'm in deep. This is one of the reasons why our relationship is love and hate. This little devil never fails to drag me into trouble, and for some reason, i never fail to follow him through the gates.

......

"All of your friends left you alone?" a voice. That voice asks, sauntering up next to me.

I glance over finding Jongdae giving me an amused smirk, tilting his head expectantly. There's a rhythmic beat in the background, a song about finding something and going somewhere, sailing maybe? It fades to the background, however, before i can pick it up, as Jongdae leans in closer.

I can tell by the pink dusting his cheeks and glaze covering his eyes that he is deep down the rabbit hole. Drunk Jongdae is basically another person entirely. He's actually kind of an ass, but i don't blame him for that. I blame the alcohol. Always have.

There's really no way i can deal with this gigantic crush i have on this man without separating them. I've seen the person Jongdae can be without the devils water blazing his insides and fogging his brain. I've seen the kind, intelligent, endearing person sober Jongdae can be. There's no way i can allow myself to be attracted to this inebriated idiot. Or at least that's what i want to think. He still looks damn good, even for a jackass.

"They thought it would be easier for me to get my 'flirt on', Kyu's words not mine, if i was on my own." i explain, wondering why i'm wasting my time.

Jongdae snorts, his beautiful eyes looking downright preying under the flashing lights and backed by the almost hypnotic beat from the song playing. "i don't think you're going to be successful hiding in the corner."

Huddling more into myself, and taking a deep breath, i smell the disorienting mix of Jongdae's cologne and alcohol. I want to lean in and take a larger breath as well as cringe and pull away.

"I'm not exactly the flirty type... or the social type really." i defend, for some reason hating the fact that Jongdae is seeing me like this. I wish i could be on his level. I wish i could be a social butterfly with the ability to have fun and embrace life. Instead i'm Kim Minseok. Hiding in the corner at a gay club, while my brothers walk around and socialize, when i'm the only one who's actually gay.

Jongdae chuckles and gives me an odd look, before reaching out and grabbing my wrist "want to get out of here?"

My eyes widen and my eyebrows shoot up, leading to a fit of rolling laughter from the man next to me. "not like that" Jongdae explains, "i just meant, you seem uncomfortable and i could use some fresh air."

Biting at my lips, i drop his gaze for a second, feeling my cheeks blaze and not from the drink in my hand. Going for a walk with Kim Jongdae. God among men, and secret crush for the past four years. My head nods before my brain can even come up with a decision.

And Judging by how my heart leaps at the Cheshire grin Jongdae gives me, i don't really mind. Jongdae takes my hand, ensuing a damn near brain aneurysm before i force myself to calm down, as he leads me out of the club.

Act like a normal fucking person, Kim Minseok. A boy just happens to be holding your hand and leading you to the beach. A very hot, perfect, amazing smelling boy, leading you to a romantic walk on the beach. Damn it, breath. He's going to think you're mentally imbalanced and leave.

"You okay?" Jongdae asks, squeezing my hand, looking amused.

"Y-yeah." i says, my face blazing hotter.

Jongdae chuckles again and, oh. I could get used to that sound. "You're so cute. You know that, right?"

My teeth clamp down on my lips to prevent the squeak that bubbles up in my throat, from escaping. I risk a glance at the man who's literally sending my brain into shut down mode and catch his amused, flirty smirk that I've seen him use to dazzle hundreds of girls into his bed.

Swallowing thickly, I risk stepping closer to him. I don't question this spark of bravery, terrified that it'll fade "how cute?"

Jongdae's eyes flash, an emotion too quick for me to decipher, overridden by surprise, before falling into a pleased swagger. It's fascinating to watch drunk Jongdae battling sober Jongdae, but also kind of grounding.

My foot moves back before my mind can think to scream at it. This is Kim Jongdae. Who cares if he's drunk. I've wanted this for four fucking years, so why am i still making a retreat?

"Too cute for me to think sensibly." He says, reaching forward and pulling me back to him, pressing me against him. Chest to chest. hip to hip. 'We're the same height', i take notice at the weirdest damn time.

His lips are on mine before i can even think about what's happening, tasting of mint and alcohol. My brain short circuits, unable to process that this is actually happening, until Jongdae presses harder, his lips urgently trying to coax mine into responding.

A gasp separates my lips, giving Jongdae exactly what he wants, as he invades my mouth and all my senses. Feel, sound, smell, sight, taste, ... all of it Jongdae, and my body sings. My eyes slide close and an embarrassing moan fills the silence between us.

That seems to be exactly what he wants though, because the next second he's pulling away with a breathy growl and grabbing my hand. He drags us both all the way back to the resort, to the villa we rented for this week. Small teasing touches and needy kisses are the only things that stop us along the way, before i'm being pushed into Jongdae's room and falling back onto the bed.

A hard swallow seizes my throat and i my breath comes out in small pants. I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe i'm in Kim Jongdae's bed, watching him strip his shirt off while he straddles my thighs.

"Are you okay with this?" Jongdae says surprisingly clear for someone who's supposedly shitfaced.

I don't even try to think about it before i place my hand around the back of his neck and pull him down, connecting our lips, letting that answer his question. I'm more than okay with this. My body craves Jongdae's. Begs for him to keep touching, keep devouring. My soul is his to take and take he does.

Jongdae is surprisingly gentle and he takes his time. Something i didn't think was possible for someone tainted with rum, but i push it out of my mind to focus on the man in front of me. When Jongdae slides inside of me, pausing and looking down into my eyes, he gives me an expression that catches me off guard.

There, resting in this man's gaze is a kind of gentleness I've never seen before, holding me like i'm the most precious of glass and will break if he's not careful. Something like hope squeezes inside of my chest and i bravely reach up, caressing his cheek. His eyes close so gently, with a soft sigh, turning into my palm.

My heart stutters and i breathe out a broken breath "Move, please."

Jongdae opens his eyes and stares down at me, a small smile touching his lips. He takes me apart from there. My body shakes and trembles, moans and thick whines slips from my lips, while this man unravels me in ways i didn't know i could be.

When Jongdae forces me to the cusp of my release, his hips creating slow, powerful madness inside of me, he grabs my hand and whispers in my ear "cum for me, Minnie."

This man will be my undoing, i just know it. Jongdae name on my lips, i cum harder than i ever have before and am followed quickly by the man above me.

Collapsing onto the bed next to me, Jongdae, breaths heavily, pulling me against him and burying his head into my neck. With shaky hands i reach out and wrap myself about him, burrowing against the man I've been in love with for years, finally in my arms.

I want to ask. I want to talk about what this means. I want to know why it took four years. Why now? But sleep pulls at the edge of my consciousness, refusing to let me form any coherent thoughts.

Giving up, i decide it can wait till tomorrow. My questions will still be there when i wake I up.

..

But Jongdae wasn't. I woke up to an empty bed and an even emptier chest. Jongdae was gone, the only evidence that he was even there was the soreness between my legs and the stickiness on my skin.

It took me most of the morning to wash off the lingering grossness from the previous night, but i knew the memories, the phantom feeling of his body still pressed against mine, the raspiness of his voice that still echoes in my ear, wouldn't wash away anytime soon.

When i walked down to the main room, i found Jongdae with the rest of my brothers, laughing and going on about themselves. Some looked up to greet me, not in the slightest bothered by my disheveled appearance, but the one person i wished to look at me. The one person i pleaded to at least glance my way, didn't.

Jongdae acted like i didn't even exist. Acted like i was just another one night stand, and that... that shattered me. It took me years to get over that. To get over him.

Here i am, though. In the same position. Jongdae looking at me as he had all of those years ago, like i was made of glass, right before he threw me on the floor.

Some of those shards, i was never able to put back into place.

"Stop." I say, making no effort to push Jongdae off of me, but he doesn't even hesitate to pull back.

"What's wrong? Am I hurting you?" Jongdae asks, his voice rising in concern.

I bite at my lip and turn my head away "i ... i can't."

Jongdae blinks at me, his eyes flickering across my face like he's having an argument with himself. His eyes search mine, and i immediately throw up my walls. Jongdae watches in unconstrained hurt and disappointment. He nods once and pulls himself off of me, as if it's almost painful for him to do so.

He walks to the other side of the room and reaches for a clean shirt, pulling it slowly over his head. I stand on wobbly legs and take a stabilizing breath, then head towards the bathroom.

"Min-" Jongdae says, his voice full of emotions that i cant even begin to start deciphering.

"Don't... just, please... i just need some time." I say, stupidly risking a glance up at him.

Jongdae's eyes are glassy, and full of regret and rejection. Guilt thunks itself down in my chest, making itself at home, getting comfortable with that other painful emotions already filling it.

He nods and turns his back towards me, the tattoo of the Osiris staring at me. Reminding me. No matter how much a person changes, there might just be some things you can't come back from.

>>>>

~Jongdae~

The ride back home is quiet, and not nearly as peaceful as the ride down. Minseok's barely spoken more than a couple of sentences to me since last night. Normally silence between us is comfortable, easy, but now it's suffocating.

It's my fault too. I know it is. Of all the things i regret doing in my life... What i did to Minseok is the greatest.

That morning, i even debated it. As i watched that beautiful boy sleep in my arms, his precious face pressed into my chest. I fought with myself so hard, but in the end, i decided that Minseok deserved better. I was a mess back then, and i knew it would take more than one night with this beautiful prince to change me. I couldn't bear the idea of him waiting up for me as i went out and got shitfaced with my friends, or the hurt in his eyes when i'd try to flirt with anyone that looked my way in interest. I was a shit of a human and i couldn't inflict that on the pure, wonderful person Minseok was. Is.

I didn't miss the heartbreak in his eyes for a second that next morning. I watched his heart shatter and along with it, mine did as well. I thought he'd get over me and move on. I knew he deserved better than me, and i was giving it to him, just like i gave him my heart the night before.

Never in my life had i loved someone like that. Cared for someone that gently, and made love to them with every bit of my soul. But i did. That night i gave a piece of myself to this man sitting beside me, refusing to look anywhere but out his own window, and i never got it back. I don't want it back... it belongs to him.

That morning when i forced myself not to look at him, to ignore him like nothing happened, made me physically sick, but i convinced myself that it was for the best. That he'd have such a better life without me in it, and that he'd forget about me soon enough. I was clearly wrong, though.

What i did left scars, left pain that i don't know how to fix or heal. I didn't know he cared for me this much, that after so many years, he's still hurt. Gods, it's ripping me apart to think that i caused this. That once again, i fucked up.

We pull into the driveway to the house, a heavy silence pressing between us.

"Do you remember everything from that night?" Minseok asks, his voice sounding choked.

Reminding myself to breath, i swallow the thick lump in my throat "There's a lot that's still fuzzy. I didn't remember most of it for a long time, until i came back here after i got the teaching position and ran into you. Pieces of it slowly started coming back. When i remembered most of it, i decided to do everything i can to make it up to you... though now seeing the full extend of how bad i fucked up, i'm not sure that's possible anymore."

Minseok's wobbly sigh pulls me up short and i look up to meet his glassy gaze "it was easier thinking i was just a blackout hookup. Thinking that i was just another one night stand, that you left the next morning without even knowing their name... but now... you knew. You knew what you were doing. You fucked me and left me before i woke up. You had to have known how I felt. I wasn't inconspicuous about it, Jongdae. Was it a game? A bet? Was i just some sick conquest for you?"

"Son of a bitch, no, Min. How could you think that? You have no idea what that night meant to me. I never wanted to leave you. I wanted to stay next to you so bad. I wanted you to wake up in my arms and then we could go have breakfast on the beach and talk about where to go from there... but..." i defend, aching at the idea that Minseok could even think of himself as a bet, or a game.

"But?" Minseok pressed, his eyes wide and his lips trembling.

I take a staggering breath and lean my head against the steering wheel "I know we've talked about me getting my life together, but one thing I've forgotten to make clear is that i'm an alcoholic. I regularly go to AA meetings and even have someone who checks on me daily to make sure i'm staying sober." i peek over and Minseok's wide, calculating eyes, before continuing "I ached with every bit of my being to stay with you, Min. Yes, i knew about your crush on me, but the truth is, i was in love with you too. I watched you for years. When you were watching me, i was doing the same to you. I wanted you so bad, but i kept my distance, praying you kept yours too. I was toxic. The Jongdae back then was a black hole that sucked everything good into it and ruined it. It was just the beginning too, my shit just got worse after we graduated, to the point where i'm pretty sure i was constantly drunk. Always had a bottle in my hand type of thing. I don't actually remember much of it, but I know I did some really fucked up shit over the years, so i don't regret pushing you away. I don't regret getting you away from me before i blew up, but i wish with every bit of my being that i could take back what i did, that i could take away your pain. I'm so sorry, Minseok. I really am."

Minseok looks like he's barely breathing, like he's overloading on this information. "Why?" he asks in a barely loud enough whisper, but i hear him loud and clear "why did you do it if you wanted to save me from yourself?"

My shoulders sag, overwhelmed with guilt "i saw you standing in that club. You looked so beautiful and nervous. Every eye in that place was watching you, desiring you, and i couldn't help myself. I couldn't stand the idea of anyone else having you. I just intended to take you away, to get you out of that club and away from anyone else... but then... then you gave me that look on the beach, and I couldn't stop. It was selfish and disgusting, but i never could bring myself to regret making love to you that night, just hurting you the next morning."

"You wanted to stay? You wanted me?" Minseok asks, staring ahead now, seeming to be in a state of disbelief.

"More than anything." i confirm, and sit back in my seat, pulling the keys from the ignition. Minseok looks over at me again, and lets go of a light, breathy sob. He seems shocked, and i understand why when a stray tear falls down my cheek. "I'm so sorry, Minseok. I tried to keep you away from me so you wouldn't get hurt, but i hurt you worse than i could have imagined in the end."

Minseok opens his mouth to say something, but i hold up a hand and attempt a small smile. "I promise i won't make this hard on you. I really don't want to cause you anymore pain. Let's just part on decent terms, okay. I don't think i can handle you hating me openly. I know that's selfish, but.."

"Time." Minseok says, stopping me.

"What?" i asks, bewildered.

Minseok huffs and reaches over, gently wiping a tear off my cheek "I'm asking for time. To sort through everything. I don't hate you, Jongdae. Even when you broke my heart, i could never bring myself to hate you. Just give me some space, okay?"

I squander down the small sliver of hope that pushes its way into my chest and stare at this amazing, pure, too kind man in front of me. He's way too good for me. I definitely don't deserve him, but i know i couldn't walk away from him even if i wanted to. He has all of me, and i'll only leave if he asks me too. I pray to any god out there who will listen that he'll never ask that of me.

We make our way inside. Hesitant nearness and nervous glances, but at least he's looking at me, instead of cursing my very existence. That's more than i can say for another certain someone. I dare myself to look on the optimistic side of things and the hope in my chest frees itself before i can contain it. Dear gods, please let this man choose to forgive me. Please let this man overlook my wrong and love me.

Every bit of my current worries diminish the second we walk through the threshold of the house, however. My eyes bug out of my head and i gain an instant headache that i can only associate with these idiots.

Chanyeol and Kris stand before me in seconds, black trash-bags hiding behind their backs, in a terrible effort to disguise the obvious. I should have expected this, but it doesn't make me any less pissed.

"What the hell happened here?" My voice raises to a tone they have named my 'dad tone'.

Chanyeol looks sheepish, and has the audacity to smile lightly "well... we kind of... had a small get together."

Kyungsoo comes down the stairs then, followed by a sleepy looking Jongin, with... wait is that a black eye? "we planned on having a small party, but it escalated. We're all cleaning it up, so please breath. You look like you're about to pop a vein."

Tao follows down the stairs with Sehun on his tail as usual and Yixing standing at the top, refusing to come down, but watching Sehun closely."It was kind of your idea." Tao points out, causing Kris to nearly break his neck whipping his head in the direction of the boy. Tao refuses to look at him, but his cheeks pink a little. What the hell happened here?

I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose, wondering what in the hell i'm supposed to do with these dumbasses "curfew for the next two weeks is ten pm, unless you have work, then you will go straight there and straight back. Netflix privileges are revoked in that time as well. Clean this house from top to bottom, i want it to fucking sparkle."

"What? Chen, that's not-"

"Did i fucking stutter, Tao?" i yell, watching all of the boys jolt in surprise.

"No, sir." Tao mumbles, while Kris takes a deep breath and nods, clearly accepting the punishment on their behalf.

"Get started, all of you. I want this place clean by dinner." I order, watching them all scramble to do as told. I don't like doing this. I hate punishing them, but they have to understand that their actions get consequences. I had to learn the hard way, but i'll be damned if i let these boys take the path i did, or even one similar to it.

"Kris." i call out, motioning for him to come talk to me.

Kris comes over, quickly stuffing a familiar looking bottle into his trash-bag, causing me to look away. I catch Minseok's eyes for a second. He gives me an odd, concerned look, but push it away when Kris stops in front of me.

"I'm really sorry, Chen. I didn't know it was going to get to this level. It was really supposed to be a small party." Kris tries to explain.

I roll my eyes and reach out flicking his forehead, chuckling at his small yelp."Rule number one about college parties: They always escalate. Don't worry about it. All is forgiven, just learn from it, okay?"

Kris nods and really does look sorry, so i reach out and place my hand on his shoulder to communicate that i'm not really mad. Kris never had much of a father figure in his life, at least, not a good one, and i'd really like to show him what a good dad can be like. For all of the boys really.

"Where's Baekhyun?" i ask, wondering why it's so quiet in here.

Kris bites at his lip and winces. I notice that its slightly split, and again find myself wondering what the hell happened this weekend. "We don't know."

That gets my attention "excuse me?"

Kris grimaces and breathes out a long breath "he texted Yixing that he's okay this morning, but no one knows where he is. Even his mom has no clue where he could have gone. He left the party last night after..." he glances up at Jongin, who's pouting at Kyungsoo while the other puts a cream around his bruised eye, then Chanyeol who's watching them with a locked jaw and hard eyes. What the fucking hell? "He just left last night and never came back. Tao and Yixing were going to go look for him before you got here, but they... they kind of had to do some damage control first."

I breath out a long, tired sound breath and rub my temples "okay, seriously. From the beginning... tell me everything."

Kris's eyes widen and he looks slightly pained "are you sure?"

I nod "all of it. Spare no detail."

Kris nods slowly and takes a deep breath, preparing us both for the story of a lifetime. "well, it started Saturday morning..."

>>>>

Chickens!!! Jebus, i think that's my longest chapter for this book, to date.

So, i'm probably just as surprised at this speedy update as you guys are. I didnt expect it to come out this easily and was actually kind of dreading that flashback, but it came out well and I'm pleased with it. I hope you guys enjoy it and anticipate what's about to come because a lot of shit is about to hit the fan.

Taoris is up next. I'll see you as soon as i can. Love you guys! ❤️

😘

사랑해 💕

~M~