Chapter 22

Things were good - so, so good - for the next couple of weeks, between Parker and I. Aidan got to go home, but he couldn't really leave his bed. No one really talked about it, but I knew he wasn't getting any better. Parker knew it, too, but he was clearly in denial.

   I made it my mission to do as fun summer activities with Parker as possible over the next month. We were together all of the time. We went to the beach for a day, bringing back cotton candy for Aidan. We went to the travelling fair with Maddie and Adam and rode the ferris wheel and the tea cups. He'd never gotten to do that before. I liked doing all of these things with him, that he'd never done before. I liked that I was with him for all of these firsts. 

   I had been expecting my summer before senior year to be fun and carefree, but it was so much more than that. It was also new and exciting - my first love. My first a lot of things, right along side Parker's.

   The night that we had sex for the first time, it was early August. It was my house that was empty that evening, which was rare. But at Parker's house then, the mood was not a great one. His mom was usually either sitting with Aidan or trying to lose herself in a book, or a movie. She never left the house. We spent time with Aidan, with her. We wanted her to know that just because were in this new relationship, we were still there. We really were. But that night, Parker was irritated with something his mom had said to him, and he knocked on my front door, a bit after 8P.M. It was a weekday and so uncommon that my parents were not home, but they'd gone out for dinner with friends and weren't home yet. Parker must have known this by the fact that my mom's car was gone, but he stepped inside, confused.

   "It's really quiet," he commented, "Where's your mom?"

   She was almost always in the kitchen, or the living room, music playing or the TV on.

   "Out for dinner," I said to him, leading him back into the house.

   "Oh."

   "You okay?" I asked, grabbing for his hand.

   "Yeah. I just wanted out of that house for a bit," he said, shaking his head. "Bec, I know he's not good. But it's like she thinks I shouldn't live. She said I should be home more."

   "Oh." I didn't know what to say to that. "Sorry, Park."

   We sat on the couch, close, and he immediately rested his head on my shoulder. I ran my hand through his hair, which was getting pretty shaggy, and then kissed his forehead. We were quiet for a few minutes, because I knew that was all he needed.

   But then he was looking at me and I just knew, somehow, that if I could even make him forget about his dying brother for a little while, I would be helping him. I could do that for him. So when he kissed me, I kissed him harder. And when I stood up and pulled his hand towards the stairs, he eagerly followed. In my bedroom, I shut the door and went over to my bed. He was unsure, but I knew it was not because he wasn't ready.

   "When are your parents getting home?" he asked, coming closer.

   I shrugged, "I don't know, so, we better... not waste time."

   He smiled, showing his teeth, and I melted right away. Being able to make him smile after how he was when he first showed up felt good.

   He didn't say anything else so I pulled him close, and down onto my bed, beside me. He was kissing me, hard, fast, definitely not wasting time. And then - so unlike him usually - he pulled off his t-shirt and whispered,

   "You want to...?"

   I smiled, nodding my head. "Yeah."

   "For sure?" he asked again, suddenly looking nervous.

   "Parker, yes."

   "Okay... Bec, I love you."

   And he was kissing me again before I could say anything back. He was careful and sweet, while also being assertive, excited. He asked if I was okay, more than once, but also roughly kissed me and left marks on my neck. It was perfect, he was perfect.

   Miraculously, about ten minutes after we finished, we heard the front door of the house open and close again. My mom called out to see if I was home. And Parker and I jumped up, redressing while laughing, feeling partly relieved and also disappointment.

   Parker wasn't allowed in my bedroom, generally, and especially not if my parents weren't home, so hurrying him down the stairs and out the door while my mom was in the kitchen was nerve wracking. But I slipped into the kitchen as she was brewing a pot of decaf coffee, and I crossed my fingers she hadn't seen him. She didn't say a word about it.

   The following week, while Parker and I were on a high in our relationship, his household was falling apart even more. Parker and his mom talked in hushed voices and I was always quiet, feeling both like I belonged there and like a total intruder. I wanted to see Aidan, but I didn't ask. I knew it was bad, so just continued to do what I could to keep Parker okay.

   On that Friday evening, when Parker was in the bathroom, Mrs. Allen came close to me, so close that we were touching, and whispered in my ear.

   "You have no idea how much you're helping Parker right now."

   I nodded, but still remained quiet.

   "I really hope you can -"

   But Parker was back, and she stopped talking immediately, already stepping away from me.

   That night, I sat beside him on my front steps, his hand tightly wrapped around mine. We had spent most of the day together; the morning and afternoon with Maddie and Adam, swimming in Adam's huge backyard pool, and the evening at Parker's house. He was supposed to be walking me home, but we sat down instead, wanting just a few more minutes before the day was over. He had to work with my dad the next day. I wouldn't see him until dinner time. So we sat together, the warm air on our skin. And then he kissed me, and said "see you tomorrow".

   I fell asleep that night so happy and sun soaked, but woke up with a heavy feeling in my chest. Right away, I knew something was wrong. It was 7A.M. and I had no reason to be awake, but I just stared at my ceiling, feeling uneasy. I finally checked my phone, stunned to see a text message from Parker, sent an hour before.

   IM SO SORRY.