I feel disgusting when I wake up the next morning, rushing to the bathroom to shower immediately. I like showering because I don't know I am crying, I don't feel the hot tears run down my cheeks, I just feel the waterfall hitting me everywhere. My hair cascades down my back like a golden waterfall, as I lather myself in soap, a desperate attempt to wash away the previous night. I feel used, betrayed but mostly violated by Christophe and I do not know how I will keep this to myself. Castiel. How will I keep this from him? I cannot tell Castiel, he will surely cause a scene. He has always been rather unstable, and giving him news like this will surely end him up in confinement, and the last time Castiel went into confinement he came out crazed. This was never my plan, I never wanted this to happen. If only Christophe knew that, if only he listened to me. I start weeping again, this time for no reason, just alone for the fact that Christophe crossed that line. I do not sit next to him at breakfast, but I do not refuse when my father says I have to sit next to him. He has a devilish smirk glued to his face, and I want to cry again. I hate crying, I've cried so much these last 36 hours, I do not think I can cry anymore. Castiel gives me a small, worried smile from across the table, and I return the gesture with a fake-smile, beaming the fact that I am fine. I have to convince him to convince myself I am not falling apart. Castiel finds me in the library after breakfast, engulfed in a novel, he taps me on the shoulder and asks, "is something wrong? You were awfully quiet at breakfast."

"No," I say too quickly, "I appreciate your concern, Castiel, but I am fine." I answer, I am fine.

"You seem a bit out of it, bewildered almost." He remarks, and oh, God, I want to tell him. I want to tell him what Christophe did to me, and I want him to hold me and tell me that it's all going to be okay. I count to seventeen, and take a deep breath.

"I am fine, Castiel. Do not worry about me." I insist.

"Alright," he answers, the scepticism still evident in his voice, "you do know you can tell me anything." Anything. I cannot tell him this. I cannot tell anyone this. I feel so alone, and betrayed, and so, so, scared.

"Yes." I answer smoothly.

"Just letting you know." He says, smiling softly. I decide I will ask him if he knows what happened to me last night.

"Castiel?" I ask.

"Yes?" He answers.

"Is there a term for when you have intercourse with someone, but you keep telling them to stop, and they will not listen?" I ask nervously, biting my lip.

"Yes," he raises an eyebrow, "it is called rape. Why do you ask?" Rape. The word is almost as repulsive as the action. Christophe raped me. My best friend did this to me.

"No reason, I was just wondering since I read it in a book." I lie through my teeth and pray that Castiel will not see.

"Which one?" He sees right through me.

"I cannot remember." I say.

"Anaise, if something is-"

"I am fine, Castiel. Stop." I say, and then I get up and leave, the familiar hot waterfall running down my cheeks again. I hate myself for being so weak.

I never want to see Christophe again, I never want him near me again. I want him to go away and never come back. But I am bound to him now, I am marrying a man who ruined me. It has been a week since he did it, and things have been normal. Castiel has stopped asking if I am all right, and I think I might be feeling all right again. I don't know if I can stay with Christophe for the rest of my life, but my whole life has been me forcing myself to do something. I have to love him, I will force myself. One thing has been bothering me, I am late. Late on my menstruation cycle, it starts around this time, but it has not come. I blame it on all the stupid stress that has been dumped on me, and ignore it completely. I will ask the Castle doctor about it when he checks me out tomorrow. I am getting married to Christophe in exactly a month, and I am scared out of my mind. If Christophe can commit such atrocities when we are not married I am terrified of the things he will do to me when I have no way out of it. I can still spend my time in my suite, but when we are married I will have nowhere to go, no Castiel to keep me safe. I will be in this Castle with the monster I am married to for the rest of my life and I do not want to spend my life like that. I wish I'd never made the decision of marrying Christophe, I thought it would be alright, that I would have a nice, gentle husband who treats me right. Christophe is a psychopath, not a gentle person, he deserves to be locked up. But of course I can never accuse him of these atrocities, who will believe me? A princess in an arranged marriage, with a history of paranoia, who will believe me? Castiel will, he always will. But I cannot tell Castiel I absolutely cannot tell Castiel, ever. This will go down to my grave, I will swear not to tell anyone. Especially Castiel, even though I so desperately long to tell him. Especially him.

It has been four weeks since the incident happened. I do not know how I have not told Castiel, but I haven't, and I do not plan to. I wake up the next morning and I am escorted to the medical wing first thing in the morning. The doctor wants me fasting so that my results will be more accurate. He takes a urine sample to check for any irregularities, and then a blood test to see if everything is still in tact, and then he does a physical exam, checking if my reflexes are still doing well. He does an eye exam, to see if my vision has gotten any better or any worse. He says it has gotten a little better, but says it will improve dramatically if I stop reading so much. I nod and smile, but I know I am not going to remember this when I am diving into a novel tonight. It's a standard check-up, but I am still nervous. What if he picks up that Christophe violated me? What if he confronts me about it? What if he tells my father? Or Castiel? Both outcomes seem catastrophic. He continues with a psychiatric evaluation, checking if my mentality is still well. Then he sends me off to lunch and tells me my results will be in by dinner. I eat lunch, silently worrying about all the things that could go wrong, all the things he could have picked up. I was probably radiating paranoia, and he will discuss this with my father, telling him I am falling back into old habits. I bite my nail, damn it. I am falling back into old nervous twitches. Why am I so nervous?

The results arrive at dinner, and I excuse myself to the bathroom to silently open the envelope myself. I do not want anyone to see this, though I am not sure what to expect myself. I open it with shaky hands, and fold the paper open. Everything looks normal, except for one word that stands out. Pregnant.

damn son stuff is happening

honestly i'm only like 26k words into nano and now im scared i wont finish

bUT on a brighter note at least i have prewritten chapters and some anaise and cas fluff to come :-)