Kat's POV-

"Kat... What's on your mind? You didn't say a single thing in group today." Dr. Perry asked me as we sat in her office after my group therapy session that Friday.

A whole extra session... That's how neurotic I was acting. I was so crazy that I needed to see my therapist for a fourth session in the week. They might as well just throw me in the loony bin.

I couldn't get one of the other girl's shares out of my mind. The other girl, Jasmine, had shared about breaking down over her weight that week. She had shared that she was so upset over her three-pound weight gain that she went the rest of the week without eating to get her life and her weight back on track. Three pounds. She had gained three pounds and felt like it was the end of the world.

I knew that it was irrational. I knew that it was a destructive way to act. I mean, it was neurotic and obsessive behavior caused by an eating disorder. However, I couldn't help but to think that if Jasmine was freaking out over a three-pound weight gain, then I should be losing my mind over the ten pounds that I had gained since Erik and I had gotten together. I had gained ten pounds!

I felt like my whole world was falling apart since realizing how much weight I had gained. Jasmine is a very skinny girl who had to be at least a size one; I felt envious. I was jealous that the girl could be so skinny. I had no self-discipline, and I was sabotaging myself by letting myself gain so much weight. Eventually, I'd weigh six hundred pounds, and no one would love me. Why did anyone love me in the first place?

On top of that, I had agreed to go to Erik's family's Thanksgiving. There would be more food there, more stares, more judgments. I'd be the fattest one in that room too probably.

"Kat? What's going on? What are you feeling right now?" Dr. Perry pushed.

"Um... Disgusted, I guess. And because of that disgust, I feel guilty," I said slowly.

"Disgust? Disgust with what?"

"Myself," I sighed. "I gained," I elaborated. "I've been gaining..." I said as the tears began to form. "I know that logically, it's great. It means that I'm supposed to be getting better, and I even have more energy! I'm actually enclosing in on a healthy weight range finally."

"But?"

"But I look around at people- at everyone in group, an-and I just feel absolutely disgusted with myself. Medically, I'm supposedly in a healthy weight-range, but I feel like a whale. I mean, I'm literally the biggest one in the group! And then the guilt sets in..." I sniffled.

"What guilt? Why do you feel guilty?" The doctor asked.

"Because I... I'm not supposed to feel this way. I'm supposed to be happy, full of life, and beautiful. I'm supposed to be Katherine Reynolds, dammit! So why can't I just let myself be happy?" I sobbed.

"I mean, I even have this great boyfriend. He's the best. He loves me. He tells me I'm beautiful. He's helping me in recovery. He even sometimes makes me see that I'm pretty! He's absolutely wonderful, and I should be happy. When I'm with him I am happy," I tried to explain. "However, when he's not there... I can't see it. I hear the voice in my head berating me for having dinner. I see the scale numbers flashing through my mind. I feel the need and pressure that everyone constantly puts on me. Even when he's with me sometimes I feel the need to just run away..."

"Run away? Why would you run away from him?" She asked.

"Because I know that eventually I'll make him leave, so I feel the need to do it first," I cried. "I'm never going to be everything that he wants. I'm never going to live up to his expectations. I don't think that I'll ever be able to behave like a normal person one day, and he'll get sick of it. Everyone does... They get sick of me not being enough for them and they leave."

"I've met Erik, Kat... He doesn't want you to be anything but you," my therapist said gently. "You are the one that is feeling the need to live up to everyone else's expectations. He's not the one putting them on you."

"I know! And that makes me want to run away too. Erik deserves a girl that can be her own damn person. He deserves a person that can share a plate of cookies with him and not push him away so she can go purge them. He deserves a girl who can genuinely enjoy his mother's home cooking and not constantly count up the calories in her head. He deserves someone who is not sick. He needs someone who he can actually be with, not someone who has a screwed-up family that expects her to be absolutely perfect. I'm none of those things," I said as I shook my head.

"He doesn't want anyone like that though," Dr. Perry told me. "He wants you. He wants to help you through your recovery and help you get better and stronger. You want to push him away because you're afraid of getting hurt. You're afraid that he's going to leave you when you let him down, just like your parents have done to you," she told me gently.

"I'm not going to tell you that it's not going to happen," she continued. "I mean, when it comes to love there are a lot of risks involved, and that is one of the risks. However, I will tell you that you're not giving him a fair chance, and you're not giving yourself a fair chance if you run away. You want to self-destruct and push away your support system because it involves another person, and that can be unpredictable and scary. Everything right now is unpredictable and scary to you because it's a whole new experience. Everything about love is unpredictable and scary, but that's life, Kat. Life is complete and utter chaos, and it can be so beautiful."

"I know! And with Erik I really do see the beauty! It's just- sometimes I don't think that I deserve the beauty."

"Why not?" Dr. Perry asked.

"Because I'm not good enough! I don't know! I mean, I'm not skinny. I'm not top of the class. I'm not strong and independent. I'm not always sweet and nice. I'm not really witty and quirky. I just... I don't feel worthy. I feel like a waste of space. I'm doing nothing and going nowhere. I have no talents and drive. I'm just a girl with an ED and a screwed-up family," I said with a wince. "I'm a disappointment to my parents. I don't really have any friends because no one values me enough to be cool with me for just me.

"I just feel like Erik deserves more... I feel like he deserves better than some girl that has severe mental breakdowns over clothes and food. He shouldn't have to feel the need to take care of me all the time, and I shouldn't need him to take care of me all the time. I can't even have sex with him because I can't get the stupid voice out of my head that makes me feel this way," I tried to explain through my tears.

"You're not perfect, Kat. Let me let you in on a secret... No one is. Erik isn't, I'm not, you aren't, not even your mother and father. I know that they have put an immense amount of pressure on you to be perfect, but you will never live up to those expectations. It is not possible to. It's okay to let people down. You will let people down. You'll even let Erik down at some point, but it's okay to do that!" She explained slowly.

"You just have to make sure that you are putting yourself first. Your happiness comes from you. Other people can assist in it, but ultimately you have to be the one to choose to be happy. Happy in spite of everyone and everything."

"I know that it goes against everything that you've been taught. It's viewed as selfish and imperfect by your parents but putting yourself first is not a crime. It is necessary to do that in life. Self-love, self-communication, and self-awareness are very important for one's happiness. It's important to understand yourself and where you're coming from to be happy. Most of what you feel has been brought on by society and your parents' expectations. What do you want? It's a question that I want you to think about before our next session next week. I also want you to come up with a list of things that make you happy. Can you do that?"

"I... guess? I don't see how much it'll really help. I'm already brainwashed by them," I sighed.

"Brainwashed people don't know that they're brainwashed. These are conditioned behaviors, Kat. Conditioned behaviors are hard to break out of, but it's possible. You have a good supporter in Erik, you have the desire to want to get out, and you have self-awareness. It's not hopeless, Kat.

"It's okay to feel guilty, it's okay to feel disgusted, it's okay to be scared... You just have to keep going. You just have to stick through it, even on the hard days. You'll slip up, cry it out, get angry at yourself and the world, but you just have to keep going. You have to realize that perfection in unobtainable, and imperfection is part of life's beauty," she told me softly.

I said nothing as I digested her words.

"I think that's enough for today, Kat. You're doing good," she said with a smile. "I'm serious, Kat, you're doing so good. We'll have another one-on-one session next Monday, and then remember group is moved to Wednesday due to the holiday. You're going to be okay."

"Thank you, Dr. Perry. I'll remember," I said with a nod before getting up. "I have everything under control," I muttered to myself.

"Why don't you call Erik when you leave? Tell him that you had a hard session, and you'd really love to see him. You need support right now, Kat. Let him support you; just don't forget about yourself, okay?"

"Yes mam," I whispered with a nod.

I knew that Erik would make me feel better, but it made me feel bad that I needed him to make me feel better. I felt scattered all over the place, and I hated that my own mind wasn't even a safe place to be. I just wanted a safe place for me... Just me.

----

"Hey," Erik said into the phone when he finally called me back from earlier. "Sorry I missed your call. I was working," he explained. I heard all the noise around him, and immediately knew that he was at T's party. "How was therapy?"

"It's not really important. You're obviously busy, so I'm just gonna go to bed," I told him quietly.

"Kat..."

"I'm fine. I forgot you were working today. Everything is fine. Don't worry about me. Go have fun at your party," I sighed into the phone.

In reality, I was really shaken. I had the idiotic urge to go through my Instagram and follow every girl that I had blocked before because they had been triggers for me. I felt the need to go run twelve miles for no reason. I felt the need to purge up the dinner that I had not even eaten.

I wanted to lose the weight that I had put on. I wanted someone to be proud of me. I wanted to be proud of me. I knew that none of that stuff was worthy of pride. Still... I couldn't get the obsessive thoughts to do them out of my mind. It just kept repeating and I felt helpless.

"Wait a second, Kat. What's going on?"

"Nothing, baby, I'm just sleepy," I lied. "I'll talk to you later, okay?" Before he got a chance to reply, I hung up.

I'm fine.

Everything is fine.

I have it under control.

Everything is under control.

A/n-

Hey y'all! What's up? I really wanted to show the obsessive side of Kat's ED. I wanted to portray that she really does have a lot of things going on with her and Erik can't fix them for her because it's up to herself to fix them. Let me know what you think please! I love y'all! Don't forget to vote, comment, and share!

-KAF❤️