Soooo....starting the first chapter of this fic. 😉😉😉

Hope you all like it! 👍👍👍

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"Words in double quotes" - Talking

'Words in single quotes' - Thoughts

(Words in braces) - Telephone conversations

Chapter 1 - The Burden of Being Me and You

Laksh watched the stars as they shone bright in the sky with a calm smile. It looked so beautiful. He could hear the owls hooting from the trees. The neighborhood was silent, except for the sound of the train passing by. It was so peaceful. Almost every creature in the world of living was now lost in their dreamland. After all, it was half past midnight.

Laksh tried to sleep, but his mind was restless. Different thoughts probed his mind when he tried to close his eyes, while his heart felt an unknown fear. At last, he gave up on sleep and got up to look outside his window. After all, it's not possible to sleep when your mind is in war with your heart.

Laksh gave a bitter laugh, his eyes tearing up. 'People say you would never get peace of mind until you listen to your heart. Funny, I'm in a mid-life crisis because I listened to mine.'

He still couldn't forget the events of the day. When he sat beside Ragini for their engagement, he almost thought that he would never be able to get his true love after it. However, he felt elated when Swara and Shramishtha managed to stop the engagement. He was on cloud nine. He had thought that now he would tell his mother the truth and she would support his decision. However, Laksh never expected her to slap him. He still remembers each and every word of his mother.

"How could you do this Laksh? Just to save your brother, you are willing to play with Ragini's feelings!? Isn't she human? Doesn't she have a heart? Your father already gave her so much pain by breaking your marriage with her once. Now you want to break her completely by refusing to marry her?"

Laksh wanted to argue, but his mother's eyes stopped him. There was so much disgust in them. She was looking at him as if he was the most wretched person on earth. He didn't want his mother to look at him that way. He wanted to explain that he was doing it for his brother! However, she had left without listening to a word of his.

At that moment, he couldn't understand why his mother was misunderstanding him. Sanky was more important to them than anything or anyone. It was for Sanky that he was doing everything. As for Ragini, he thought he would eventually tell her and her family the truth before their marriage, so that her life isn't ruined. And he would also pay them a hefty amount....an amount that they might not have ever seen in their lives! Ragini would find someone else as he was just her obsession. Doesn't it solve everything?

He needed someone to help him convince his mother. With this thought, he had left for the Gadodia house to find Swara, hoping she would help him. However, what happened there, gave him the shock of his life. It turned his world upside down and made him regret each and every action of his. It made him realize why his mother thought of him as a disgusting thing.

*flashback*

#Gadodia Residence#

Laksh entered into the Gadodia house through the open door, but found no one there. He heard Swara's voice from her room and headed towards it.

As he was about to enter, he heard another voice. It was Ragini's. That made him stop at the door. 'I better stay here. I don't want to hear more of her irritating questions.' He decided to stand there and listen to them.

As he listened to them converse, he understood that Swara was trying to convince Ragini to rethink her decision to marry him. 'Swara is so sweet. She is trying her best to make Ragini fall out her obsession for me. Why won't that stupid girl listen?! Her obsession is not only hurting herself, but also Swara and me.'

"Ragini, don't you think its too soon? I mean...don't you think you should think more about you and Laksh? Are you sure you love him?"

"Of course Swara. I really do." Ragini answered with a smile. She couldn't understand why Swara was asking her such questions. 'Wasn't she the one who was pushing me to marry Laksh soon? Wasn't she teasing me about liking him? Then what could have happened to make her doubt him again?'

"Ragini, please think this through." Swara tried to reason with her. 'Please please please realize that Laksh isn't the right guy for you. He's a jerk who is using you! He doesn't deserve you or me!'

Outside, Laksh was desperately hoping that Ragini listens to Swara. He badly wanted to go shake Ragini and tell her that he is just her obsession. That it is her foolishness! 'Stupid girl! Listen to Swara!'

Ragini sighed and looked into Swara's eyes. "I know you doubt me. I know you think that its just an obsession of mine. But Swara, I know its not. I know its love."

Laksh snorted. 'Like she would know anything about true love. Only I know what it is like to be in love. Like the way I love Swara.'

"But Ragini, yo-"

"'You aren't sure'? Is that what you want to say Swara?"

"Ragini, you and I are too inexperienced to know what true love is!"

"In love, time doesn't matter. You could fall in love in a month or in a year. No matter what you think, I know what love is."

"You do? Then can you explain it to me?" asked Swara. She was hoping that when Ragini would try to explain it, she will realize it wasn't love. However, Ragini's answer shocked her.

"I know its love because I know how much his happiness matters to me, even more than my own life. I know its love because I can see everything I need when I look into his eyes. I know its love because in his presence I feel my knees go weak, but at the same time...at the same time I feel like I'm in the most safest place possible. I know its love because even if he remains far away from me, I will forever wait for him. Love for me doesn't mean my happiness. But it means sacrifice. The sacrifice of my haappiness for his. That is why I know its love Swara. Because I am willing to sacrifice anything and everything for his happiness and well being."

Swara kept looking at her sister with tears in her eyes. 'You truly do love him, don't you Ragini? How...how am I supposed to tell you that he doesn't love you back? That he is using you? It will break you!'

Laksh was no better. He stood there frozen at the door step. He couldn't believe what he had just heard. The way Ragini explained her love for him was...was...he didn't even have a word for it. He had seen her eyes as she spoke of it. It seemed so genuine. She spoke with such raw and deep emotions that he had to look away from the sheer intensity of it.

Now, he felt ashamed of taking advantage of her. What Ragini felt for him was so pure, so true. And he was cheating her? Making a mockery of it? She was willing to give her happiness for him and he? He was only thinking about his own needs and his family. Not once did he give a damn about her feelings, her wishes. 'How could I be so heartless? Had I become so blind in my own love that I didn't care for another's feelings anymore? Did I become such a monster?'

He heard Ragini speak again. "Swara, why are you crying? What's wrong?"

"Nothing! Its nothing Ragini. Its just hearing you confess I..." Swara shook her head and tried to change the subject. She rubbed away her tears and tried to fake glare at Ragini. "Does this mean that you will choose Laksh over your own sister's happiness. Awwww...I feel less loved!"

Ragini chuckled. "Of course not. You are equally important Swara."

"Is that so? What if someone held both me and Laksh at gun point and you had to choose one to die? Who would you choose, eh?"

Ragini gave her a soft smile and pulled her into a hug. "If one has to die, than I would tell the shooter to kill me and spare both of you. You both are too precious. I can't bear to see anything happen to any of you."

Laksh couldn't take it anymore and left from there. He feared that if he listened anymore, he would die from guilt. He couldn't believe that he was cheating such a pure soul. He had truly turned into a monster.

*flashback end*

After that, Laksh had locked himself in his room, thinking over all his misdeeds. He remembered all the times he had lied to Ragini, used her to get close to Swara. Each memory felt like a needle to his heart. He could feel the bile rising to his throat from feeling disgusted at himself, his own actions. After hours of mental torture, he was finally able to calm himself to realise that he needed to do something to correct his wrongs. However, it was past midnight now, and he had only come up with zilch.

'I wish my heart would stop feeling and just do its job of pumping blood. Then I wouldn't have all these problems.' Laksh gave a miserable sigh and came to stand in front of the mirror. He glared at his reflection.

"Why? Why are you so pathetic?" He questioned it. "Why can't you do anything right? Why can't you be useful, just this once? Why can't you do something right without messing up lives!? Why!? Answer me!"

Laksh punched the mirror in his anger, shattering it into pieces. 'Every time. Every! Single! Time! Everytime I try to do something for the better, it only serves to make matters worse! It's like I'm shooting for the moon. Everytime I shoot, I only land back down in the mud, not only ruining myself, but the others around me as well!'

He took in deep breaths to stop his tears from flowing. He felt his knees go weak and fell onto the ground, with his hand falling on a broken glass piece from the mirror. He could feel the pain in his hand. However, nothing could be compared to the pain that he felt in his heart. 'Why? Why is it such a misfortune to be me? Why did it have to be you who suffers so much Ragini? Why is it such a burden to be you and me!?'

He gripped the piece harder until his hand started bleeding. But all he felt was numb. After all, it couldn't be compared to the what he did to Ragini.

Innocent Ragini who didn't know that he loves Swara and not her. Whom he used to get closer to Swara. Whom he was still using to help his brother. What was Ragini's crime? She did nothing but love him. And yet...yet, he was betraying her, using her, lying to her that he liked her.

'I wish...I wish I could love you Ragini, but I can't. Even if I make you my wife, I won't ever be able to stop my feelings for Swara. I can't lie and try to live a happy life with you either. The heart knows the truth.'

He rubbed away his tears and stood up in determination. 'I may not be able to give you love. But I won't make your life more miserable. You deserve better than a monster like me. You deserve true love which you won't ever find if you keep holding onto me. I need to free you of first. I have to find a way! I have to!'

#Morning 6 am, Gadodia Residence#

Shramishtha was cutting the vegetables when Laksh barged into the house. He looked disheveled and his eyes were bloodshot, like he hadn't slept. "Laksh? Is...is everything alright beta?"

"Its nothing aunty. Just stayed up all night to complete some business related work." He lied. In reality, he had left the Mansion and went to the beach during the night. After a lot of thinking, he came to the conclusion that there was no way he could change what happened in the past. Only thing he could do was to try and think of a solution to improve the current situation.

The one and only way he saw to save Ragini was to tell her the harsh truth. Although, she would feel hurt, she would at least no longer hold fake hope. He hoped that if he tells her the truth, Ragini will somehow be able to heal, although he himself didn't think that it would be easy for her. However, there was no way around it. He knew he could never give Ragini the place in his heart that he has given to Swara. She will only be miserable for life if she marries him. So, he needs to tell Ragini the truth.

"Aunty, where ar-" he paused when he saw Swara and Ragini emerge from the kitchen. He went towards them and stood before Ragini. "Ragini, will you please come with me?"

Ragini looked at him in confusion. "Um...sure. Is something wrong Laksh? You look tensed."

"She isn't going anywhere!" Swara bit out. She didn't want Laksh to do something that would cause Ragini more problems.

"She's coming with me." He grabbed Ragini's hand and dragged her away with him.

Swara could only watch them go, too shocked too move. Never had Laksh talked to her like that. By the time she gained her senses, Laksh had already left with Ragini in his car.

Swara felt an unknown feeling crop up in her heart. Yes, there was worry for her sister. But a tiny part of her heart felt disappointed that Laksh didn't pay her the usual attention that he does. He mostly acts like a happy puppy on seeing her. But now, he dismissed her like nothing. 'I wonder why...'

#The Beach#

Laksh parked the car and got out of the car, followed by a confused Ragini.

"May I know why you brought me here Laksh?"

Laksh chuckled. "Don't worry. I won't harm you."

Ragini smiled. "I know you won't. I trust you. Even if you have something to blame me for, I'm sure its my fault."

Laksh's smile disappeared, his guilt coming back in full force. 'My brain tells me that I should just forget my feelings for Swara and accept you. I wish I could do that. I wish I could just listen to my brain because right now, my heart seems stupid as shit! Why can't it just accept you?!' He was broken out of his thoughts when Ragini waved a hand in front of him.

"Laksh? Laksh?! You've zoned out again. Are you really alright?"

'If I tell her the truth now, she might not help Sanky anymore. She might even accuse me and my family of being liars. Am I doing the right thing by telling her the truth?' Laksh looked at Ragini with hesitation. "Ragini. What if you wanted to take a step, but were panicking to take it, fearing that something bad would happen?"

Ragini thought about it for a moment and answered. "Well, if you ask me, I think you should go ahead and take the step. What if it is the last day on earth for you or if the world ends the next day? I think its better to do something and regret it, then not do it at all."

Laksh balled his hands into fists. 'She's right! I won't be selfish anymore. I won't let her suffer. I won't keep her in the dark. Whatever happens, I'll bear it. But today, I will tell everything to Ragini!'

"Ragini. I need to tell you something. I...I don't...I don't love you Ragini. I'm sorry Ragini but...but its the truth. I love Swara."

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To be continued...

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~ 🌹 Mona 🌹