"Nay, kinakabagan yata ako," nakangiwi kong sabi sa nanay ko. Kanina pa ako hindi mapakali. Pabalik-balik ako sa banyo kaya galit na ang mga nag-aayos sa 'kin. Feeling ko kinakabagan ako na ewan. Hindi naman ako pasmado pero kanina pa pinapawis ang kamay ko kahit may aircon dito sa loob ng kwarto.

Ganito pala ka-nerve-wracking kapag ikakasal? Leche. Ayoko na! Ayoko nang umulit! But I know that if he ever asked me to marry him again, I would say yes. It's just that... hindi ko kaya ang pressure.

I was happy, giddy, anxious and terrified all at the same time. It's crazy!

"Hold still, Jazz! People here are trying to make you pretty for your big day! Huwag mong galitin ang makeup artist mo. Baka magsisi ka," banta ni Gale.

Napapirmi ako sa upuan. I was gripping its arms tightly. Kulang na lang ay magpatali ako sa upuan para lang hindi ako makatayo.

"Nerbyos lang yan, anak. Mawawala rin 'yan maya-maya."

I didn't believe in what my mother just said. Kung ito pa nga lang na inaayusan pa lang ako e hindi na ako mapakali, paano na lang kaya mamaya kapag maglalakad na 'ko sa aisle? Baka sa sobrang panlalambot ng tuhod ko e matalapid ako sa sarili kong paa!

I tried to sit still for another twenty minutes. And then they helped me up and eased me into the gown. Simple lang ang pagkakayari nito. Embroidered ang bodice tapos chiffon ang skirt. Regalo nina nanay at tatay ang gown ko. They insisted on paying it with their own money dahil wala raw naman silang naiambag halos sa kasal.

Sagot ni Kent at ng parents nya lahat.

Nang maisuot ko ang gown ay pinaharap nila ako sa isang full-body mirror. I tried to calm myself down. Naiiyak na ako.

Sobrang ganda nung babae sa salamin. Hindi ako makapaniwalang ako 'yon. Hindi ako maayos. Natuto lang akong mag-makeup nang nagtatrabaho na ako. I usually don't care if I don't look beautiful because no one's there to appreciate it.

Hindi ako nagpapaganda kay Toby dahil tanggap na niya kung anuman ang hitsura ko. And I didn't want him to think that I like him that way because I'm trying to look pretty for him.

But Kent's different. Nasasaktan ako kapag may napupuna syang hindi maganda sa 'kin. I want to hold his stare. I want him to look at me with wonder. And when I walk down that aisle, I want his eyes to be onto me. Only me.

I never cared to look beautiful before but for him, I want to look beautiful every day. Kaya siguro maganda rin 'yong may kaunting pagkailang. Dahil kapag sobrang kumportable ka na sa isang tao, nakakalimutan mo na yung effort para ayusin ang sarili mo. Kasi tanggap na tanggap ka na nila. But to keep the marriage alive, you have to sometimes put your best foot forward. To show the one you love that you can be the better version of what they're used to seeing.

"Jazz, gusto ka raw kausapin ni Toby," bulong sa 'kin ni Gale.

Tumango ako.

Kent and I agreed that Gale would be the maid of honor but for Toby to be the best man, I had to convince him first. Pero sa huli ay napapayag ko rin sya. Natakot yata na magba-back out ako kapag hindi nya ako pinagbigyan.

I feel like he was holding his breath. Lumabas muna sina nanay to give us some privacy. He looked so dashing in his suit at kung may ibang titingin, aakalain nilang bride and groom kami. Pero hindi 'yon ang scenario. Ako ang bride but he's not my groom. He's the best man.

"Toby, humihinga ka pa ba?" natatawa kong tanong.

That's when he exhaled. So hindi nga sya humihinga kanina. "S-Sorry. Ang ganda mo kasi."

Nag-init ang pisngi ko sa sinabi nya.

"Gusto mo raw akong makausap?"

Inilahad nya sa 'kin ang isang panyo na nakatiklop. The handkerchief was made of silk and it was bulky, na parang may laman ito sa loob.

I unfolded it and saw a sapphire-encrusted hairpin.

"Something new for the wedding," he said.

"Mukhang ang mahal nito a. Magkano 'to?"

"Mahal nga 'yan pero huwag mo nang itanong kung magkano. Regalo ko 'yan sa 'yo."

"Hindi mo naman kailangang magregalo e. You being the best man is enough for me."

He shook his head. "That's the gift from your best friend. This is the gift from the man who still loves you."

"Toby..."

"Tanggapin mo na lang, please. Last request ko na 'to."

Alanganin ko iyong kinuha sa kamay niya. "Salamat."

Yumuko sya at hinalikan ako sa pisngi. "I wish you all the happiness, Jazz."

Nang makaalis si Toby ay saka ulit pumasok sina nanay. Tinulungan nila akong ilagay sa nakaayos kong buhok yung pin. My hair was tied into a bun. Doon nila ito inilagay.

"I have something for you too," said Gale.

She opened a small box with diamond earrings inside.

"Gale..."

Bakit naging galante bigla ang mga kaibigan ko sa 'kin? Dahil ba sa ako ang unang ikakasal?

"Ipapahiram ko lang naman 'to sa 'yo so no need to fuss. Favorite earrings ko 'to, Jazz and I think that these will complement your dress."

Something borrowed.

I smiled at her as she put the earrings on. "Thank you."

Bigla nya akong niyakap. "It's not enough to thank you, Jazz, for everything that you had done for kuya."

There's a saying na bawal makita ng groom ang bride before the wedding so when we heard Kent's voice outside, asking if he could see me, my initial reaction was to hide.

"I just have to give her something!" he pleaded.

"Ako na ang magbibigay, kuya. Sa 'kin mo ibigay."

"Ako na lang, Gale!" pagpupumilit ni Kent. "I promise I'll shut my eyes!"

Gale gave out an exasperated sigh. Rolling her eyes, she went to the door and let Kent in. Nakapikit nga ito.

I think my heart just skipped a beat when he walked in. He's wearing a tuxedo. Ayos na ayos ang bedroom hair nya ngayon. Kung hindi nga lang sya humihinga, aakalain mong isa syang wax figure sa sobrang perfect ng ayos nya.

"Jazz?"

"I'm here."

I held his outstretched hand and was surprised to find it cold and trembling. Hindi halata sa kanyang kinakabahan sya but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who's ready to crumble under the heightened pressure of our impending wedding.

I noticed that his right hand was balled to a fist. Hinawakan ko rin iyon. He eased it open and I saw a necklace inside.

"My mother wants to give it to you. Minana nya pa ito sa lola ng lola ng lola nya kaya huwag mong iwawala 'yan ha."

"Bakit sa 'kin 'to ibibigay ng mommy mo? Baka magtampo si Gale..."

"No. I won't," sabat naman ni Gale. "Mom gave me her old wedding dress and all the jewelries she wore on her wedding for my own. This is the only thing she gave to kuya. So hindi ako nagtatampo, Jazz. Don't worry about it."

"Let me put it around your neck."

"Adik ka. Paano mo naman gagawin 'yon e nakapikit ka?"

Niyakap ako ni Kent bilang sagot. "Ang bango mo," sabi nya nang mailagay ang kwintas sa leeg ko.

"Ang bango mo rin," sagot ko naman.

He chuckled but didn't let go. Ramdam na ramdam ko yung lakas ng kabog ng dibdib nya. Para na ngang congo drums ang mga puso namin sa sobrang bilis ng pagtibok. Feeling ko konting-konti na lang, sasabog na kaming pareho.

"I'll see you later."

He finally let go, eyes still shut. Inalalayan sya ni Gale palabas ng kwarto. Naiiling itong tumingin sa 'kin.

"I think he want to hand it to you personally to check kung nandito ka pa."

"Hindi naman ako aalis e."

Saka paano ako makakaalis e nakabuntot sa 'kin si Gale kahit saan ako magpunta?

Thirty minutes before the wedding nang sunduin kami ng tatay ko. Pinigilan ko ang pag-iyak nang umiyak ang tatay ko sa harap ko. Ramdam kong parang hirap pa rin syang pakawalan ako. Iba pala kapag babaeng anak ang ikakasal. Mas mahirap sa magulang. Lalo na't bunso pa ako.

Nang mapatahan ko si tatay ay saka kami pumuntang simbahan. Someone from outside gave the cue to start the wedding march. Kumapit akong mabuti kina nanay habang nagsisimula nang umakyat ng simbahan ang mga nasa unahan ko.

It will take just ten steps to get on the church's door pero pakiramdam ko, groto ang inakyat ko.

"Tay, kinakabagan yata ako."

Tinapik-tapik lang ni tanay ang kamay kong nakakapit sa braso nya. That surprisingly eased my anxiety. Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga at nagsimula na kaming maglakad sa loob ng simbahan.

The veil didn't help much but I'm still glad that it's there. Hindi ko yata kayang salubungin ang tingin ng lahat ng taong nakatingin sa 'kin nang mga oras na 'yon. I saw Kent's parents on one side. Umiiyak ang mommy nya.

Gale was glowing. Ngiting-ngiti ito. Toby was smiling too pero yung ngiti nito, halatang pinaghandaan. Still, I thank him for the effort.

Huli kong tiningnan si Kent.

Magkadaop ang mga palad niya. I could not clearly see his face as my eyes were already blurry with tears but I guessed that he's smiling. I could see his teeth despite the tears. Na-realize ko lang na umiiyak din sya nang pahirin nya ng kamay ang luha sa mata nya. He was taking in deep breaths, na para bang kanina pa sya hindi humihinga.

It was Toby who reached for my hand. Bumitaw na ako kay tatay. Niyakap ko silang dalawa ni nanay. Kent shook my father's hand.

Kumapit ako sa kamay ni Toby. And then Toby passed me on to Kent. That little gesture weighed so much. It's like Toby's finally letting Kent have me. Kent nodded to Toby, gave him a hug and a pat on the shoulder before he finally held my hand and faced me to the altar.

And then, with a smiling face, the priest started the ceremony.

Ang pinaka-kabadong-kabado akong part e 'yong kapag tinatanong ng pari kung may tututol ba sa kasal. Kasi kung iisipin, paano kung may tumutol nga? E di tapos na agad ang kasal? I mean, kapag ba may tutol, hindi na agad ito matutuloy?

We were cautiously eyeing the crowd behind us. Makalipas ang ilang minuto ay wala pa ring nagsalita. Nakahinga kami pareho ng maluwag nang ipagpatuloy ng pari ang kasal.

Matagal ko nang pinag-isipan ang wedding vows ko. Halos memoryado ko na nga ito dahil sa palagi kong inuulit-ulit. I was excited to hear Kent's. Kasi parang wala naman syang ginawa o isinulat man lang. But I knew that Kent has surprises up his sleeves so I wasn't really worried. The only thing I'm worried about is the content of his vows.

"You know, I have always doubted people. I was always expecting them to leave me behind at some point in time because I was left before and I didn't trust that anyone would stay beside me. And then you came and you have assured me that you're not the kind who will leave me behind. And I thought to myself, now why would I let go of that? Who's stupid enough to let go of you?

"So I made a promise to myself that I will try to always make things work between us. That I will always put you first and that I will give you my whole heart, completely, with the faith that you won't break it.

"And so I say to you that I will always cook you delicious meals every day. I will never let you go hungry. I will never let you eat microwaved food again. I will always make you feel like you're the most beautiful woman to me, even in the morning when your hair's a mess and you haven't brushed your teeth yet.

"I will never look at any other woman the way I look at you and I will think of you whenever you're not around. I will try to make you smile every day because seeing you smiling makes me happy.

"I will make you feel how lucky I am to have you. I will never let you forget that. I will love your family like they're my own. And I will love you until my last breath. I hope you're barfing right now 'cause this is by far, the cheesiest thing I have ever said in my entire life. It was a bit embarrassing but hey, anything for love, right?"

Napatingin sya sa akin and then back to the paper.

"Sorry. I made this right after you made a joke about it. Is this cheesy enough for you to stick around?"

I was baffled for a moment. He said something cheesy a few months ago and I told him that I want his vows to be a lot cheesier than that. He's not a sappy man. Not really romantic too and I thought that he will not take his vows seriously... but he did.

"Kent..." Hindi ko na napigilang maiyak. "Ang pangit nung vows ko!"

Narinig kong may ilang tumawa. Naka-mic nga pala ako. Nakakahiya tuloy.

"Ayos lang 'yan. Vows need not to have colorful words, Jazz. You only have to mean them."

"Okay."

So I overhauled my vows and made up new ones. Less rehearsed. Less scripted. More raw. And at some point they laughed and cried and laughed again. But it's as real as it gets.

"...and I promise that I will listen first before making any judgments. Papakinggan muna kita bago ako mag-conclude. I promise that I will believe in your words and to trust you whenever you say 'trust me'.

"And lastly, I promise that I will always be by your side and will never make leaving a solution to escape our problems. I vow to always be here whenever you do or don't need me. I will not make you feel alone. Never again. We'll get through life together, Kent."

And we promised to stay through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad times...

And promised to keep the love alive till our lives expire.