Ang hirap naman kasi ng sitwasyon ko. Laid out na lahat e. Wala naman syang itinatago. It just sucks na alam ko na kung ano ang mga choice ko at ako na rin ang bahalang mag-decide. Nasa akin ang bola. Hinihintay nya na lang kung ibabato ko pabalik.

He's not the marrying kind and I'm this silly hopeless romantic. How will we ever find a common ground if we both want different things? There's only one thing I am sure of. He loves me. But will that be enough? Sabi nga nila, hindi sapat ang pagmamahal para magtagal ang isang relasyon. Paano na lang kung mawala na 'yong kilig?

"Jazz! Pwede ba'ng kapag kasama mo ko'y hindi ka nag-i-space out?" mataray na tanong ni Gale.

Tumingin ako sa kanya at bumuntong-hininga. Maybe it's wrong to even go out with her today. Kapag tinitingnan ko sya, naaalala ko si Kent.

Nang sinabi ko kay Kent na gusto kong makipag-cool off, agad na nakarating kay Gale ang balita. And now she's here, giving me endless lectures.

"Ano na naman ba kasi ang ginawa ni kuya at nag-iinarte ka dyan?"

"Wala," mahina kong sagot. Kahit naman sabihin ko, she'll never understand. She won't take my side. Kuya nya 'yon e.

"Jazz, is this about the marriage thingy again?" She took my silence as yes. Rolling her eyes, she continued "Look, he's not ready to make that commitment yet so don't force him. Huwag mo syang bigyan ng deadline, mapi-pressure 'yon! Why can't you just enjoy your time together?"

"Enjoy? Hanggang kelan?"

She held my hand tightly. "You have him na, what more can you ask?"

"I want this to last forever, Gale. Can you guarantee that?"

"Jazz, wake up!" She snapped her fingers. "This is not a fairy tale. Walang forever! You just have to live and enjoy the moment while it last!"

"Masama ba'ng gustuhin kong magtagal kami?" I sighed. "Kasalanan mo 'to e. Sana hindi mo na lang ako pinakiusapan."

"E di stuck ka na lang kay Toby forever?" taas-kilay nyang tanong.

I shrugged. "Maybe it's supposed to be that way."

"Gaga! Huwag na huwag mong sasaktan ang kuya ko, ako ang makakalaban mo!" pagbabanta nya.

"Baka nga ako pa ang saktan ng kuya mo e," mahina kong sagot. That calmed her down.

Ipinatong nya ang kamay nya sa kamay ko. There's this look of concern in her face, mixed with something that looked like pity and worry.

"Jazz..." She squeezed my hand. "Huwag ka namang mag-give up agad sa kuya ko ha? He's just not the type of guy who sugarcoats his words even if they badly need sugarcoating. He does not make promises he can't keep. When he says you're pretty, you really are. If he says he loves you, he really does.

Kuya's not that hard to understand. You just have to take his words as they are. He's already into you, it won't take long before he realizes that he couldn't live without you anymore. If you managed to tug at his finger, it won't take long until you pull out his hand and then his arm will follow and soon, you'll have the rest of him. His feelings don't grow overnight. It will take time but he could learn to love and if he fell for you, he's yours for as long as you want him. Patience lang ang kailangan ni Kuya, Jazz. Can't you give him that?"

Waves and waves of guilt hit me in the face. I feel like I'm being selfish. I want him tied to me, to leave his inhibitions behind. I want him to spend his future with me. I became selfish without realizing it. He was trying to give me a good time. He wanted me to be happy. He already took the risk, taught himself to love, willed his heart to open up to me and all I did was complain that he couldn't commit.

Maybe I was the one who should let go of my inhibitions and just let it be.

No car waiting outside my house. No morning greetings. No phone calls during ungodly hours. God, I miss him! Sabi ko isang buwan na cool-off. Wala munang communication. I told him that maybe we need to think about this first. Na baka masyado kaming nagmamadali.

I gave him the license to figure out a life without me at kapag nakuntento na sya doon, kasalanan ko.

Gale told me that it's as good as breaking up. Minsan, mas malala pa dahil parang pinapaasa mo 'yong tao na magkakabalikan pa kayo. Minsan, nagsasawa sila sa kahihintay. Yung crack, unti-unting lalaki hanggang sa tuluyan na kayong masira. Maybe I'm an idiot for asking space from him for one whole month. Araw o linggo lang yata ang itinatagal ng cool-offs. Well, how will I know? Ngayon ko lang ginawa 'yon.

"Ano, tara na?" untag sa 'kin ni Toby. Tumango ako at sumabay sa kanya paglalakad. It's been a few days since I told Kent to stay away for a while and he did, so easily. He didn't complain. He didn't even ask why. He just said okay and that I should call him when I changed my mind.

His lack off resistance made me doubtful again. Was he so eager to be free? Baka mamaya, kabi-kabila na ang pakikipag-date nya sa ibang babae.

Napasubsob ako sa tagiliran ni Toby nang hilahin nya ako. Isang humaharurot na motorsiklo ang lumampas sa amin.

"Kung gusto mong magpakamatay, huwag kung kelan kasama mo ako." He gave me a worried look. "Kaya mo bang pumasok?"

"Oo naman. Kailangan ko lang magkape. Antok pa kasi ako."

He looked at me incredulously and I know that he did not believe me. But he didn't say anything. Inihatid nya lang ako hanggang sakayan tapos ay nagpaalam na sya.

Before heading to the office, nagpunta muna ako ng Starbucks para bumili ng kape. Medyo nag-hesitate ako nang makita na medyo mahaba ang pila. But I badly needed something to wake me up.

"Ma'am Jasmine?" A staff tapped me on the shoulder.

"Yes?" kunot-noo kong tanong. How did she know my name? Hindi naman ako regular dito.

"Coffee nyo po." Inabutan nya ako ng kape.

"Pero hindi pa ako nakaka-order."

"Pre-ordered na po, ma'am," nakangiti nyang sabi.

"Bayad na?" I asked. Tumango sya. "Thanks." Lumabas ako ng Starbucks bago nya pa bawiin 'yong kape ko. Aba, sayang din 'yong libre! Though nagtataka ako na may pre-ordered drink on my name, hinayaan ko na lang. Tapos kapangalan ko lang pala ano? I just laughed the thought of.

Kakapag-log in ko pa lang nang biglang tumawag si Toby.

"Nakuha mo 'yong kape?" tanong nya.

"Yep. Ikaw ang nag-order?"

"Oo. Sabi mo kasi inaantok ka."

"Thank you."

"Wala 'yon. Sige, sunduin na lang kita mamaya."

"Hindi na. May pupuntahan pa 'ko."

"A, sige."

When the call ended, nag-focus na ako sa trabaho.

Nagpunta akong mall bago umuwi dahil ayaw ko pang umuwi. Usually kasi, kapag mga ganitong oras, magkasama kami ni Kent kung saan. Nag-ikot-ikot muna ako, not really knowing what to buy. In the end, dinala ako ng mga paa ko sa may sinehan. I decided to watch a movie to kill time.

Pagkatapos kong manuod, I went to find a good book to read. Then I decided to go home but crap, it was raining. Wala akong payong dahil usually naman sinusundo ako ni Kent pauwi. Hindi ko na kailangang magdala. Nakakainis kapag nasanay ka na sa isang bagay tapos bigla na lang itong mawawala. Naging habit mo na. Sanay ka na tapos ganito. Kapag naghiwalay kaya kami for real, how long will it take me before I get used to his absence? I really don't want to know.

Pinag-isipan ko pa kung mag-aantay akong tumila ang ulan o kung bibili ako ng payong. Kaso ang dami na naming payong sa bahay e. Kaya magpapatila na lang ako.

Ang kaso, halos 30 minutes na pero ang lakas pa rin ng ulan. I should have taken the dark clouds earlier as a sign. I had the urge to call him para magpahatid sa bahay kaso lang, ang kapal naman ng mukha ko kung sa kanya ako magpapasundo e ako nga itong nagsabi na layuan nya muna ako.

So I called Toby instead. Out of coverage naman. Kaiyak.

Naupo ako sa pangatlong step ng hagdan habang nakatingin sa mga taong nagsisisuguran sa ulan. Maghihintay na nga lang siguro ako ng pagtila. Sana naman huminto na ang langit sa pag-ulan bago mag-midnight.

Napatingala ako sa tumapik sa balikat ko. He was standing beside me.

"I'll take you home," he said.

"Kent?" nag-aalangan kong tanong. Ano 'to, coincidence? Kanina lang pinag-iisipan ko kung tatawagan ko sya tapos ngayon, nandito na sya sa harap ko. It looks like the universe made the decision for me.

He held out his hand and helped me up. Then we started walking towards the parking lot while holding an umbrella. He didn't say much kahit nang nakasakay na kami sa kotse. Medyo naiilang akong magsalita. Wala rin naman akong masabi. I missed him but I feel like I don't have the right to say that.

I leaned on the window as he started driving. But then he stopped abruptly. Napatingin ako sa kanya, mentally asking what the problem was.

"Seatbealt," he pointed out.

I quickly fastened my seatbelt. I glanced at him but he was looking ahead. Nagsimula na syang mag-drive at bumalik naman ako sa pananahimik ko.

Nang makarating kami sa bahay, iniabot nya sa 'kin 'yong payong na gamit nya and told me to bring it around para raw hindi na maulit ang ganito. Tumango na lang ako.

No hugs. No good night kisses. Just an umbrella...

Nang makaakyat na ako sa kwarto ko ay saka ko lang naitanong sa sarili ko kung paano nalaman ni Kent na nandoon ako. But I shrugged it off in an instant. Siguro nga coincidence lang.

I sent him a text message saying 'Thanks.' Hindi sya nag-reply. Parang biglang may kumurot sa puso ko. Gusto kong magtampo sa kanya pero hindi ko magawa. Kasalanan ko naman kasi kung bakit kami ganito ngayon.

The next day was no different. Makulimlim na naman. Inaantok tuloy ako kahit umaga pa lang. So dumaan muna ako ng Starbucks before heading to the office, subconsciously wishing na may kape ulit na naghihintay para sa 'kin. At meron nga. I called Toby again and gave him my thanks. Ang dami ko ng utang sa kanya.

The day went on without as boring as it could. Nakakaantok na nga ang panahon, sumabay pa ang trabaho. Parang mas masarap manatili sa kwarto at nakayakap sa unan, habang nagpapaka-emo ako dahil sa cool-off namin. Mapanindigan ko kaya 'yong one month? Parang hindi ko kaya.

When my shift ended, pumunta ako sa restaurant nila. May palagay kasi akong nandoon sya ngayon. Sana. I mean, at least he's spending his spare times at work.

Dahil madalas ako sa lugar, agad akong nakilala ng ilang staffs. May isa pa ngang nagtanong sa 'kin kung bakit daw sa harapan ako dumaan. Sanay kasi nilang sa daanan ng mga employees ako lumulusot. I told him that I was just here to end like a normal customer. He obviously didn't buy that dahil lumabas si France mula sa kitchen para ihatid sa 'kin ang order ko. He asked if I was here to see Kent. When I said no, agad na napataas ang kilay nya, But he didn't pry. He and Toby are not the prying kind. Sila 'yong tipong naghihintay lang kung kailan mo gustong magsabi ng sasabihin mo. Hindi ka papangunahan. Though I kinda wish that he'd just take the initiative para pangunahan ako.

I realized that he did, after a while. Someone brought me a dessert though I didn't order one. Galing daw kay Kent. Then a few minutes later, lumabas itong si Kent ng kusina at naupo sa tapat ko. And my appetite went down the drain immediately.

"Why are you here?" he asked, there's an underlying accusation on his tone.

"Eating." I forced a piece of cake on my mouth to justify my answer.

"Why here?" tanong nya ulit.

"Why not?" pabalik kong tanong.

"Are you missing me?" Napaubo ako. I almost choked! Damn him. Diretsahan talaga ang tanong? What will I say? Shit. He caught me off guard. Sasabihin ko bang oo? Tapos ano? Hindi naman pwedeng hindi kasi hindi 'yon totoo. Saka baka magalit sya. "Fine, don't answer that."

"I-I do... actually."

"How badly?"

Kailangang may degree pa? Grabe naman sya. "Basta."

"Basta ano? Be specific."

"Bakit mo ba tinatanong?" Sinimangutan ko sya. "Bumalik ka na dun nang makakain ako ng maayos."

Bigla syang tumayo at bumalik sa kusina. Hindi man lang ako pinilit?

Bothered pa rin ako hanggang sa pag-uwi ko. Why did he ask me if I'm missing him if he would just leave like that? Ang sakit nya sa bangs! Nakakainis pa lalo 'yong text message nya. Akala ko binura nya na ang number ko. Sadyang hindi lang pala talaga sya nagtee-text o tumatawag. Mas nakakairita 'yon. Knowing he had all thee means to contact me, hindi lang nya ginagawa kasi ayaw nya.

'If you miss me, say you miss me. Say you miss me very badly. I already gave you want you want. I already bared myself to you. But what did I get in return? Nakipag-cool off ka. Sino'ng hindi mature sa 'ting dalawa?'

I replied to him. 'I'm just trying to figure out if we both made the right choice.'

'Did we?' reply nya.

'Hindi ko alam.'

'Well, figure it out sooner. I'm getting impatient here.'

'Okay,' sagot ko.

'I'm not giving you a month. You have until this weekend. Make your decision and make it fast.'

'Bakit mo ba ako minamadali?!' halos mabasag ang screen ng phone ko dahil sa sobrang diin ng pagpindot ko. I got even more furious with his reply. Naibato ko ang phone ko kung saan.

'I'm just giving you a taste of your own medicine.'