Utianle

He watched it. Again and again. At my grunt, King muttered an apology, hastily kissed my cheek and inserted an earpiece into my phone. I stared longingly at him, hugging my knees to my chest. He was putting too much attention into that video. I should too but I wanted a break from that part of my life.

I wanted to focus on just us and the baby for now but that didn't seem like it would be happening soon, not with the way he was bent over my phone. My back hit the headboard. Some minutes rolled by but he was still watching it.

"Baby daddy," I cried out as he started for the door without asking if I wanted to come along. I wanted to, I wanted to go wherever he went.

Stalking towards me with eyebrows furrowed and worried eyes roaming my body, he asked, "What's wrong?"

I jutted my lower lip and batted my lashes, then stretched my hands. "Carry me."

The worry evaporated. He chuckled, shaking his head as he squatted by the bed so I could hop on his back. Nibbling on his neck, I locked my legs around his waist, a little too satisfied with myself at his strangled moan when I played with his nipples. He should cherish these moments, we wouldn't get to do this anymore once I grew a bump.

King kicked the door of his guestroom open and sank into the chair, cradling me in his arms. His laptop was on. I watched him email himself the video in my phone and a minute later, his laptop pinged with a notification.

My eyes closed when the video began to play. It had been so long that happened and I thought I was over it. But watching King replay those videos unlocked the memories.

The gunshots echoed in my head and my heart clenched. I could see it behind my closed eyelids. Everything played in slow motion as the man fell to the ground.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Like father, like son, both murderers.

Someone shook me. A force grabbed my shoulders and shook me. I peeled my eyes open and stared into King's fearful ones. He let out a sigh and hugged me.

"You were crying," he said.

I didn't know that. I touched my cheeks. They were wet with my tears. He peered down at me with worry and I tried to laugh it off.

I didn't know that man who was killed. I never allowed myself to think about him but now, I couldn't help wondering about his family. His mother. We both lost a son to the same family. I swiped my cheeks and forced a smile to my lips but King wasn't buying it.

"What is it?" he asked. I shifted on his lap and straddled him. "Baby mama, talk to me."

"When we were in the car, I asked Emma to kiss me," I mumbled. King's eyes widened for the briefest of seconds. This was my first time of talking to him, of fully acknowledging my son was dead and wouldn't be coming. A tiny part of me still felt like this was a dream and the moments before I woke, I could pretend this wasn't real. King's hands found mine. I looked into his eyes. He loved me. "He didn't. He was angry with me because I didn't want him to come to the party. I do-"

A sob caught in my throat and King drew me close. It hurt too much. All those quotes about time healing the pain was a fat lie. Time wouldn't heal it. It was just a reminder of the moments I would spend without my son.

King rubbed circles on my back and my cries quietened. "What are you going to do with the video?" I asked him. We had to discuss it. "I've had it for so long I forgot about it."

"I'm not sure yet, what do you think?"

Lines appeared on his forehead and I smoothed them. "The truth?" I asked. He nodded. "I don't want to have anything to do with them." I palmed my stomach and a ghost of a smile crossed our lips. "I just want to move on with Esther and you and our baby. No good will come out of this."

"You don't want justice?"

I hid my face in his chest. "I do. But if it will cost anyone, I don't want it." Umoh's father was a decorated man. I didn't need to know what position he had to be scared of him. I was lucky they even let me out of prison. "We should focus on the baby, you know?"

King laughed. He raised his hands and I linked our fingers together. "We should, Uti."

The video was still playing on his laptop so I paused it. Hesitation dashed through me.

Was forgetting this the right thing?

"What are you thinking about?" King asked. He nudged me with his nose and when my eyes narrowed to slits, he said, "Don't worry."

"I'm not, I think," I said. "Who's picking Esther from school?" His face wrinkled. He hadn't thought of that. "I can do it. I miss being her mother." The lines on his forehead deepened. I tried again. "Maybe we can go together."

"I have to see someone."

"Your investigator?" He nodded. I brought his hand to my mouth and nibbled on a fingertip. "What about work? You never talk about work. What happened with your work?"

The swivel chair rolled back. King hoisted me to the bed and I crawled into his arms. As the silence lingered, growing into a big, uncomfortable ball hovering over us, I shifted out of his embrace. But we sat close to each other, knees touching, face stern.

"I quit," he said at last.

"You quit? Why?" He opened his mouth and closed it, then released a sigh. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" he asked.

"I feel like it has something to do with me."

King dragged a pillow between us, then placed his palms on it. I traced the lines on his palms. "It was a long time coming, Uti. I just needed a push and I got a shove."

"Are you happy?" I was lifted to the pillow. A smile played on my lips. "King. Answer me."

"Yea. I was happy to quit. Just need to figure out my life now." My arms slipped around his neck and his lowered to my waist. He pursed his lips. "Do you want to go to Abuja? The guys got us tickets. Just to chill for a bit."

"What about Esther?"

"We can get her a ticket."

I nodded against his chest. I wanted to go. I wanted to leave this place, maybe permanently. We both should leave. He didn't have a job holding him down here. We could start afresh in a new city.

"Do you want to relocate? How about we move to Abuja?"

"Permanently?"

"Yes," I answered.

"My life is here, Uti. My friends are also here."

"Okay." I kissed him. My tongue slipped into his mouth to taste him. "It was worth a try."

His boisterous laughter hung over us like a cloud. I pinched his nose and he laughed harder. We laid in bed, facing each other and grinning. It felt right to be here and I basked in his presence, in the temporary relief he brought into my life.

My eyes grew heavy. King cupped my cheek and placed a kiss on my forehead. "Sleep. I'll be here."

I didn't respond. I let sleep drag me into its world. For the first time, I had a dreamless sleep.

* * *

I woke up alone. King was not in the bed but his side was still warm. I sat up. The door opened and my baby daddy walked inside. He got his wish. He wanted me to be his baby mama and here I was carrying his son.

His phone was tucked between his ear and shoulder. He crawled into bed and gave me a quick kiss. "Junior," he mouthed. "Yeah, she's awake," he said, much louder to his friend. I wasn't sure how to face them. They probably heard me call King names. "Okay. Thanks."

I bit the inside of my cheek. "What's up?"

"He wants to know if he should pick Esther." My heart did a little dance. Junior was to King what Faith was to me and I had failed her by keeping so much away from her. "Do you still want to go pick her? I was thinking you could join him. Can you do that..."

The unspoken words lingered in the air. I was scared of cars. I flattened my hands on the bed. I had to step up to my role as mother.

"I think I'll be okay if I'm at the backseat," I volunteered. "Will Junior be okay with that?"

"He doesn't have a choice." My chest rumbled with laughter. I drew closer to him. "I'll tell him," he said as he got out his phone to make a call. The call lasted only minutes. "It's done. He will be here in a few minutes."

While we waited for Junior, he cradled me. I placed my ear above his heart, comforted by the thump against his chest. His fingers moved up and down my arm lazily. I didn't know when I slept off till he gently shook me awake.

"He's here," King answered my unvoiced question.

On cue, there was a knock at the door. Junior stepped inside. We shared a look and he averted his gaze. If he was this awkward around me, how was I supposed to survive a ride with him? King lowered me to the bed.

They exchanged bro hugs that lasted too long and my heart cried. I wanted Faith to hug me that way too. Junior was on the bed in minutes. We didn't say a word to each other even when King left us.

This was uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. His hands hung in the air like he couldn't decide what to do with them. He tried again. "I'm so sorry for your loss."

The tears fell.

They poured out from my eyes as if the crying earlier was only a preamble. My chest tightened. I scratched the inside of my wrist to keep from doing something crazy.

Why did he have to die?

Why did my baby have to go?

Life had always been unfair to me but this was bottom line cruelty.

"Hey, hey." Junior hugged me. It was highly uncomfortable. He wasn't King. He wasn't Faith. He wasn't Esther or Emma. But it was soothing. We separated and he scratched the back of his neck. "Does Faith-"

"No." But I didn't say anything to him about telling her. Maybe I wanted him to do it because I couldn't bring myself to do it. I got up from the bed. "We should get going."

"Yes."

We called out to King as we were about to leave. He returned to the room with my phone. The tracker was on. I couldn't fault him. Him and Junior exchanged another bro hug, then he walked me to the car and opened the door.

"Stay safe," he said with a kiss to my cheek. To Junior, he gave a nonverbal warning. He straightened up but bent almost immediately to shove something into my hand. His ring. I showed him my left hand for him to insert the ring and he did so with a big smile. "I love you."

"I love you."

Moments later, we were on the road. Junior and I shared a few glances in the rearview mirror. My arms were firm around the seatbelt at the back. It was my first time of using it.

"I'm okay, Junior," I told him after we exchanged the millionth glance. We drove past an eatery and I said, "I think we should get something for Esther. Do you want anything?"

"Nope. I'm so full you can call me bloody fool."

Junior was the first one to burst out laughing. I joined him. The laughter broke through whatever awkwardness that was in the car.

"He was a good boy," he said.

"And stubborn," I added.

"More like determined. He knew what he wanted." I nodded with a laugh. That was the death of him. Junior drove into the street of Esther's school. We didn't stop to get her anything but I wasn't bothered. "I don't know how you feel, Uti. But if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask any of us. We're here for you."

"I know." The car slowed to a stop under a tree. I opened the door and placed one foot outside. "Thank you. Thank you for being King's support."

Junior gave a mock salute and joined me outside. We fell into a comfortable pace as we started for the block of Esther's class. It was empty. My heart jumped into overdrive. Pupils played in the playground after lessons so she could be there. There was no need to panic. I directed Junior to the playground.

Pupils were there but Esther was missing. I stopped in front of the small gate that led to the playground. Junior's hand lowered to my back. Nothing must happen to my daughter.

"Let's ask the gateman," he offered.

"Yes. Yes." I facepalmed. I should have thought of that. "Yes, let's ask him."

We retraced our steps to the gate. We were barely halfway there when the door flung open and Esther rushed out. She threw herself at me, nearly pushing both of us to the floor. I squatted to her height and hugged her.

I hugged her for all the times grief stopped me from being her mother.

I hugged her because I missed her.

I hugged her because she was here and smiling and hugging me back.

"Uncle Jayjay," she screamed. She ran to him for a brief hug. Junior threw her into the air and my stomach dipped. "Again. Again."

"Don't-" But Junior was already throwing her into the air again and catching her like she weighed nothing. I snatched her from him. My chest heaved as I tucked her head into the curve of my shoulder. "Don't do that again."

"Sorry."

I released my breath. I was panicking. I was overreacting. I offered Junior a tight smile and we all headed for the car. Esther's hand was in mine. I pulled her to the backseat with me and carried her. She looked up to me. Her lips pursed but she didn't comment.

"Why didn't you go to the playground?" I asked in a whisper so Junior wouldn't hear us.

Esther replied in the same tone, "There was a man. I didn't like him." A lump lodged in my throat. She opened her bag and brought out a crumpled note. I delayed to take it. "He said I should give you."

"To give me?"

"To give my mother."

I palmed her cheeks. The car was moving and I could feel Junior's curious glances at intervals. "Did he do anything to you?" She shook her head. "Mummy loves you, okay?"

My eyes watered as I said those words with a realisation that it wasn't something I told her often. "Mummy really loves you, Esther."

"I love Mummy too," she replied. Her hands reached for the tears leaking to my cheeks. "Esther really loves Mummy too."

*****

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