i'm searching for something that i can't reach

-:-

"And...yeah," Leah finishes, with a tentative smile. She looks at me expectantly.

"I-I do not think that you are wrong," I say, my voice strangely shaky, "But Michael said-"

"And you believe what he says?"

I say quietly, "He is all I have ever known. Believing in him makes me feel real."

"'All I have ever known'? You told me yourself you've only been in here for six years!"

"Yes, well, I do not remember what came before that."

Leah sighs impatiently, "Shit, Mary. Don't you see what I'm trying to tell you? They're taking your memories. Taking your life, your past, what makes you human."

I flinch. Humanity is subjective. Flesh and blood and tears make us human. It is our words and feelings and memories that make us humane.

My wrists beeps as it is supposed to. "I must go," I tell Leah, "Michael awaits."

Leah rolls her eyes. She does it all the time but never tells me what it means. "Shoo, little mouse."

I stand and straighten my skirt. Jane decided it would be more convenient not to wear a dress all the time. I do not really mind either way. I leave the Sanitorium, my mind wandering. Only when I reach my unused room do I realise I left my slippers behind. It doesn't matter. I do not even wear them.

I open the door to my room; my room of white walls and white floors and white sheets and suddenly I find myself closing the door. I am back outside in the hallway. I blink several times, but my hands venture away from the door handle and I can't - I can't open the door. My feet pull me backwards before I bump into something. Someone. Jane spins me around to face her.

Her green eyes are dark and murky. Her hair is a tangled mess and greyer than ever. Her nails are polished but her hands are rough and shaky as she puts them on my face. Without thinking, I take a step back.

She sighs, then briskly walks into my room, opening the door that I could not. "Sit," she says, firmly yet warily. I do as she says, cautiously perching myself on the edge of my bed.

"Michael is late to take me to the attic."

Jane closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose with two fingers. "Michael is not late, Mary. He is not coming today."

She opens her eyes. "He had some...business to attend to. Nod if that's okay."

I nod. What would happen if I didn't?

"So, until dinnertime, we're just going to sit and talk," Jane says, sitting down beside me. The bed squeaks and creaks and I feel my weight shift. I am leaning away from Jane. She does not seem to notice.

"I noticed you've been spending quite some time in the Sanitorium recently. How are those...headaches?"

"They are only getting worse. But it is okay, I do not mind spending time in the Sanitorium. There is Le-" I stop. I remember what Leah said, and correct myself, "The beds are quite comfortable."

Again, Jane is rather oblivious to my words. She nods absently. "Michael says you have made some friends here. Anna, was it?" She hesitates on the word 'friends'.

I do not know whether to nod or not. I panic. I nod.

"Good. Then you must know she is a bad seed. I will need your help with something."

I do not see where this conversation is headed.

"Do you trust me?"

I hesitate, then nod. I trust only Michael. It is the first time I've lied to Jane. A million intrusive thoughts run through my head.

"Come with me, Mary."

Jane stands and leads me out of the room.

I follow her, treading lightly on the hard floor. The cold surface stings my bare feet, but I do not mind. My skirt is stuck to my skin with heated sweat and my hair clings to the back of my neck in the most uncomfortable way possible.

Why the sudden sweat I cannot say. But my skin tingles in what one could call a warning as I follow Jane out into the long hallway and down a narrow staircase I have never before seen. We reach the bottom of the staircase, a tall metal door greeting us.

My limbs are alive with nerves, an ensemble of shrieking sirens enveloping my mind and body.

This is not right.

I know this place.

Yet I have no idea what Jane is about to show me.

I can't describe my feelings when Jane reaches for the iron locks on the door.

My head is reeling as Jane yanks the door open.

The last thing I see before my consciousness slips away is a long dark room that seems to stretch for miles beyond what the eye can see. And sitting at the very end is Anna, her hair darker than ever and her eyes more dangerous than the mightiest of storms.

Her image flickers to one of a girl with the palest of hair and the brightest of eyes. And then I am gone, a constant shrill ring in my ears.

My mind does not ask for my permission before it slips into a dream. No, a nightmare.

"She says I'm crazy."

I spin around. The voice continues to whisper hauntingly in my ears, eerily familiar.

"But I promise, I'm not."

The air in my lungs feels like a million strings pulled taut. My eyes close involuntarily.

"Do you think I'm crazy?"

I don't reply. I can't. My lips are sealed shut, immovable. My eyes are still closed.

The voice grows to a snarl, but stays a whisper.

"I said, do you think I'm crazy? Do you? Is that what you think? Is that what everyone thinks? Did you not hear me? I'm not crazy! I'm not insane! Why will nobody listen?"

The voice - her voice - pierces me, stabs me in unstoppable pain. There are invisible hands wrapped around my shoulders, squeezing. I gasp as my eyes fly open.

All I see before I fade into dreamless sleep is the same face as I saw before. Her eyes are bright but her face is just as terrifying. It is the girl.

And I need to find her.

I am awake.

There is no one here.

Of course there isn't, for I am not in the Sanitorium. I am in my room. My room of white tiles and white walls and white sheets and suffocation.

Last night is again gone from my memory. I must have fallen asleep when Michael took me to the attic. He must have brought me to my room.

My mind reels with uncertainty. Leah's words run through my head. No, it is not possible that Jane would willingly take my memories. What is there to hide from me?

My certainty wavers once more as I think back on my dream. The girl. What triggered such a fearful image of her in my mind?

I take two deep breaths, counting, before my wrist beeps. I jump in slight alarm. The door opens almost immediately and Jane walks in briskly. All seems orderly as usual.

"Awake already, are you?"

Without waiting for my reply, she continues, "You are not to leave this room unaccompanied, ever. And certainly not to the Sanitorium. I'm afraid there has been some... negative influence on you as of late, and I'd like to ensure your safety. Is that clear?"

She speaks in such a quick manner that I only catch a few words, but I nod anyways. "Now get changed, and quickly. Michael will be here soon to take you to lunch."

"Lunch?"

"You've been asleep for quite a while."

With that, she leaves the room, the door clanging behind her. I don't bother changing, although she asked it of me.

Michael is here within moments, and we make our way to lunch in fragile silence. He does not hold my hand, and I feel as if my stomach has dropped to the floor. My head hurts and my heart aches and my fingers are tempted to reach for his and I do not know why. The voices yell at me but it is okay because I have learned to ignore them.

He is distant. My source of comfort is no longer. At least not for today. I shiver.

Michael does not even look. He does not ask if I am cold.

Why do I care?

As we walk to lunch, taking a back staircase, my mind squirms with thoughts I wish not to have. Thoughts of me and Michael and Michael, Michael, Michael.

I am breathing heavily as we walk through the tall white doors but suddenly my breath halts.

Another unfamiliar sensation enters my body.

A beautiful girl. She's sitting at the farthest table. Her eyes are stormy, even from here. Her hair is limp and her arms are covered in bruises. She looks at no one and no one looks at her. Except for me.

Oh, Anna, what has become of you?

--:--

Hi guys

It's been about 17777 years since I uploaded but I finally did. I'm actually at the airport after a 21 hour flight delay typing up the last 500 words of this chapter. Sorry if it's a shitty one :(

Anyways, if you didn't see my message, PLEASE PM ME IF I OWE YOU SOMETHING!!!!!

Thank you guys :)

Please vote, comment, share this book if you like it and definitely expect more updates since school's out and I finally have time.

Much love, Tori ❤