*AN// This chapter has multimedia content please read with wifi otherwise you'll miss out on parts of the story!\\*

I'm smiling. I can't stop.
Maybe it's bad.
Maybe it's heartless.
I can't stop.
I had fun.
For the first time in....
A year.
I had fun.
Fun.
Fun!
When Cameron was nice to me, everyone else was too.
Friendships were made in seconds.
Unshakeable bonds on weak foundations.
Stone buildings on soft rock.
Waiting for the flood to wash them away.
But I don't care.
I love it.
I loved it.
Every bit of it.
Every little bit.
I'm happy. Happier than....than before.
I flop back onto the bed.
Till tomorrow.
The only bad parts were...
The glances,
The whispers,
The giggling groups,
The people I used to know.
My old friends.
Acting like they never knew me.
It hurts.
It bloody hurts.
Unshakeable bonds on weak foundations.
I guess that's all it was.
The foundations crumbled.
The bonds are still there.
There's just nothing left for them to exist on.
I guess that's all friendship is.
Oh well.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't.
I.
I don't.
I care.
Shit.
What a mess.
I'm a mess.

I get up. I need to get out. Out of my house.
The walls are closing in.
I care.
I'm suffocating.
I care.
I need to get out.
Calm.
Okay, I'll go shopping. There's a centre near my house. I could walk. I have money.
I need clothes.
I've lost weight.
I denied it.
But I have.
My clothes are too big now.
A year of not eating and sleeping has not done much for my health.
I've lost weight.
I'll go shopping.
I've lost weight.
I've lost weight.
The walls are shrinking.  I'm shrinking.
The walls are-
I need to get out
Out
Out
Out

"Mum! I'm going out!"
"Really? Where? With who? Are you feeling okay? Do you need money?"
I roll my eyes.
"Yes. I don't really know, I'll find somewhere. By myself. Yes and no. I'm fine. Trust me."
Her head pops into my room.
She smiles at me as I grab my handbag, dusty from a year under the bed.
"I don't want you going alone."
I grit my teeth.
I don't really have much choice at the moment.
"Okay, fine. I'll find someone to go with me."
She nods, smiles again and disappears downstairs.
I open my phone.
Cameron's contact is the first thing that comes up.

My fingers hover over the call icon.
Screw this.
I press down.
"Hey! I was worried you weren't going to call! What's up?"
"Um. I want to go out. I mean- I want to get out of the house, like not a date I just want to- um..... not be here."
"Okay. Where?"
Oh god. He's not going to want to watch me buy clothes.
"I need to...go shopping."
"Awesome. Do you want just me or shall I call some people and ask them to meet us."
I want you.
I want Sammy.
I want my old friends.
I want new friends.
I want to start over.
I want to go back.
"Oh! Um...um...more people would be great."
"Cool! See you in fifteen minutes? We'll meet by the cinema. Ask your mum if you're allowed to stay out for dinner. Bye!"

He hangs up before I can reply. Leaving me alone, listening to the silent phone.
Ha. I'm a poet and I didn't even know it.
I'm not sure now. This is weird. It feels wrong. I don't want to be scared of going shopping. This isn't me. I need to be me. The Sammy me. The old me. The brave me. The healthy me. The pretty me. The me with too many friends to count and too many people to meet up with. Be brave. Be that girl. That old you. Just text someone. Just a text.
Text. You can start over too.
But you need them.
New friends and old.
I open my phone.

Dumb
Stupid
She'll tell Summer.
You can't trust her.
She's not your friend.
Stop being so stupid.

Saved. I'm saved. It's still weird but at least she might not go tell.

Well obviously I don't know.

Since Sammy.
Since the end.
Since the fall.
Since the jump.

I switch off the phone. There's nothing left to say. She'll talk to me.
She'll talk to me!
Baby steps.
Just put one foot in front of the other, hope you're not walking off a cliff.
  I switch the phone back on.

  Baby steps.
I'm tired of baby steps.
Let's take a flying leap.
And I run down the stairs
Two steps at a time.