Sunlight hits my face.
Bright.
Cold.
How can sunlight be cold?
I'm going mad.
Too true.
"Mila darling?"
Hi mum.
"Mila?"
Oh.
I guess I said that in my head.

Mad like I said.

"Yeah Mum."
"Wake up, it's time for school."
No. It's time for me to go back to sleep.
And dream.

I want to dream so much my eye-lids are heavy with longing.
I want Sammy.
He was here. He was so close.
So close I could smell him. I could feel the warmth his body gave off. He was alive.

Dead people are cold.
Sammy doesn't want me to forget him.
I won't!
They can't make me!
They can't make me!

"Mila!"
Sorry.
"Sorry."
I'm sorry.
They can't make me!
They can't....
They can't just wipe him away.
"Mila! Get up now!"
Sorry.

"Coming!"
There we go, paint on a smile.
I roll out of bed.
My clothes from yesterday lie on the floor.
No!
Fresh clothes. Fresh start.
I pull a shirt over my head.
Impressions are all that matter.
At least right now anyway.
My tights are ripped.
Do I actually care?
No.
No I don't.

My hand shakes as I apply a shaky line of blue pencil. Oh well. No one will look too closely.
I study my reflection.
Good.
Nice.
Normal.
Let's go.
I fasten a choker round my neck.
And then I see it. And then I crack.

I watch the mirror break.
And shatter.
A thousand shards of glass.
My face splintered into a million pieces.
Glass tears falling.
Dripping.
Onto the cold, hard ground.
Like blood.
Over the cold, hard ground.
Neck cracked at an awkward angle.
Hiding behind police tape.
No
No
No
Stop it.
Sammy!
Please just leave me alone.j
Please.
Stop.
"Mila!"
I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm normal.
"Coming!"
I'm normal.
Let's go.

English first period. I like English. I love the way you can watch the words wind up and down the page. I love the way you can read anything in everything, symbolism is always there. I like it. It's comforting, it's always there. It can be whatever you want it to. Anything. A curtain could be anything. The start of a show, a hiding place, a sign of opulence.
Anything.

It's infinite, it's beautiful. I love it.
But I don't want to talk. Circles, loops, everything connects. I can see it. I could explain it.
But I stay silent.
Stay sullen.
I play my role.
The others leap to answer questions, or don't even open their books.
I'm there.
Reading, writing, doing everything we're supposed to.
But just not talking, they can't make me talk.
Ding dong.
Am I crazy?
Am I mad?

The bell rings again.
Yesterday I hid in the toilets during break. And lunch. I can't do that forever though.
"Mila? It's Mila right?"
The boy with the universe in his eyes is calling my name.
I walk faster.
"Hey!"
I hear the sound of pounding feet and he catches up to me.
"Hey!" He's out of breath.
I carry on walking.
"Mila? Hey? I'm Cameron! The guy who was supposed to be your buddy has quit school. Something about his mother. So I've been made your buddy!"
"I don't need you. I've been here before. I know my way around."
"Yeah...but I'm supposed to help you get back into normal school life. You know?"

They can't make me.
They can't make me.
Stop fighting Mila.
He's not the enemy.
"Fine."
"Come on then!"
He walks ahead.
"Where are we going?"
He turns back to face me, a cheeky smile tugging at his lips.
"Cafeteria! Sugar is an important part of normal school life and as your official buddy, it is my duty to make sure you have at least twice your daily sugar allowance today."

I allow myself a smile.
"What are we waiting for?"
He grins and runs off. I follow him, my backpack bumping up and down as I run.
We reach the cafeteria before just as a queue starts to form.
"Dammit. You'll have to be faster next time."
"Next time?"
"Obviously buddy responsibility lasts more than a day! This is now a daily occurrence, I have to make sure you get your sugar!"
I like him already.

We queue up, attracting some whispers and giggles but for the moment I don't care.
When we reach the cafe lady, she smiles at Cameron.
He gives her a mock salute.
The cafe lady grins, he grabs two chocolate bars and slams a collection of coins onto the counter.
He grabs my hand and we race off, again.

We don't stop running till we're at the music wing.

He grins and opens a door.
"The practice rooms. Best places to hide out in. No one comes in these during break."
He hands me a chocolate bar.
I smile at him.
I feel good.
For the first time in a while.
"So I have something to tell you."
"What?"
"I'm a spy."
"You're kidding."
"Nope. And because I have to protect you and all that stuff, I think it would be for the best if I get your number."
"Really?"
"Yep! Just so I can tell you if there's a major spy battle or something coming up."
I can't help laughing.
"Fine. Strictly for spy purposes only."
He hands me his phone and I add my number.
For a second I'm tempted to add the number of the pizza place in town but I decided against it.

I hold out my phone and he adds his.
Normal.

He clears his throat as I retrieve my phone.
"So....I may not actually be a spy."
"Really? I never would have guessed? You're so subtle."
He laughs.
"Oh shit!"
"What is it?"
"There's only two minutes left of break and we haven't got our books yet!"
We look at each other then run.
I am normal.
I feel normal.
Just a schoolgirl running through a corridor.
Normal.
Normal.
Normal.
Normal.
Oh god.
I need to stop lying to myself.