The funeral was strange.
It sounded like it was for a different person.
Grown-up words for a child.
Childhood songs for a grown-up.
I didn't even think you believed in God.
Did you want bible readings?
Why did they play Thinking Out Loud?
You hated Ed Sheeran.
One of the things we disagreed about.
One of the things-the little things- that made me think...
No.
You can't speak ill of the dead.
But it was the most uncomfortable thing I've every experienced.
Maybe the second most uncomfortable thing.
It was sad.
In all the wrong ways.

An adult coffin for someone who never made it to adulthood.
Your body just a little too small.
The coffin just a little too big.
All the mourners too young, teenagers in black.
Your sisters.
Little girls in mourning.
They couldn't even cry.
How where they supposed to know?
You weren't coming back.
Maybe they thought you were asleep.
Oh god I wish you were just asleep!

Stop.
Breath in. Relax.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7.........
I've got to keep calm.
Today's my first day of school since....since you....you made the choice.
I hate you.
No.
Forget, push it away.
Today I have to be normal.
I've had over a year to be strange, to let my feelings take over.
Today I've got to be the old me.
The me before you left.
The me I used to think was the real me.
Now I'm not so sure.
How do you know who you are when you're living in a different world to everyone else?
You don't.
You could never bear to let me be happy without you.
"Darling? Are you ready?"
New year. New start. I can do this.
"Just coming Mum."
I stare at myself in the mirror.
A stranger.
I don't know this girl.
This perfect girl.
She looks confident somehow.
Her hair is neat, her jeans aren't torn.
Fifteen but she looks much older.
Sad eyes, happy smile.
New phone with a goofy case.
Shows she doesn't like to show off.
Not too much anyway.
Glasses she doesn't really need anymore.
Silver necklace glinting at her neck.
Not much makeup.
Just colour on her lips.
Nothing to hide.
She can do this.
I'm just not sure if I can.

Time to go.
Leave this all behind.
This half-life.
You were half my life, I guess.
Maybe that's why I feel empty.
But I don't think so.
I think I was empty long before you jumped.

"Mila!"
"Coming!"
Be normal. Be normal. Be normal.
Heavy footsteps down the stairs.
Click and a slam of doors.
Plush leather seats.
On my way.
Familiar landscapes flashing by.
Roads that used to be the background of my day.
Roads that still bear the memories of my footprints.

I'm scared.
Everything will be different.
I won't know a single person.
I've been put down a year.
I've missed a year.
Have to relieve a year.
Pretend I haven't already done the first term of year 11.
Forget that term ever happened.
Wish that term never happened.
Pretend that term never happened.
Why did that term ever happen?

Maybe if I start the year again.
You won't jump.
And I can see you again.
Snap.
Out.
Of.
It.
Arrived.
We're here.
The building that gave me best friends and boyfriends and enemies and detentions and results and awards and more than I can possibly say but...
I don't want to go back.
I don't want to move on.
"Bye Mum.
"Good luck sweetie."
I'll need it.