The noise was deafening.
Infecting every part of me, making my head throb with the beat of conversations.

Once-familiar faces turned to me.
Eyes dark.
Like hate.
But not.
Like pity.
Pity.
Oh god.
Please stop.
Please.
Please.
Stop.
Stop.

I don't want your pity.

I want the noise to stop.

"Mila? Are you okay?"
My head snapped up from between my knees.
I was curled up on the floor.
Whimpering.
Why wouldn't they pity me?
"I'm fine Mum. It's just overwhelming."
"You don't have to do this."

But I do.

More than you know. I have to. For Sammy. For the old-me. So I can stop living in my mind.
And start seeing the daylight.
But I like the darkness.
Don't I?
"I'm fine Mum."
"Are you sure?"

No.

Please. Stop me. I don't want to do this. I'm not sure.

"I'm sure."
"Well...good luck."
She's going to leave? What?  No Mum. Please don't. Kiss my bruises, put plasters over my open wounds. Please Mum, just tell me everything will be ok and tuck me up with a teddy bear. I want to be little again. Let me be little again. Don't let him die.

Mummy make him stop.

Make it stop.

"Ok. Bye. Love you."
I love you. 
"Love you! Enjoy yourself."
I try not to notice the snickers as we hug.
Who are they to judge?
"Bye."
"Bye!"

I walk off.
These corridors are so familiar.
So so familiar.
The gossiping.
The little huddles by the coat hooks.
The kissing in the cloakroom.
I know this so well.
But now,
Now strange shadows hang over familiar objects.
Distorting them.
Making them terrifying in a way only very familiar things can be.
I shrink back.
But I won't stop, not now.

First period Drama.
I know this.
I've known this.
Left, right, straight up the stairs and right into the theatre.
The doors bang open too loudly.
I flinch.
Rows of faces swivel to stare at me.
I know some of the faces.
But no names.
They all know my name.
The crazy girl with suicidal boyfriend.
The teacher is new.
Trendy hair cut. High heels. Tailored trousers.
Looks nice.
Fresh start.

"And you are?"
"Mila." I think I need to explain, "I'm new. Well, I'm old too but new this year. I mean... I didn't go to school last year."

She nods in agreement. She's obviously confused.
"Well, I'm Miss Sylia. And you are... not on the register, let me go sort this out. Ok guys, while I pop down to the office could you warm yourselves up? Who was in my class last year?"
Hands raise.
"You lead the class in a warm up, I'll only be five minutes."
Before we have time to nod, she's gone, in a flash of red hair."
A tall girl with short blue hair takes control.
"Miss told us to warm up, but I think you should introduce yourself."
Is she talking to me?
"Um.."
No one hears me.
"Hey, who made you the teacher?"

A boy stands up. He has brown hair and....the strangest eyes I've ever seen, they...they seems to contain the entire universe.
The entire universe.
He sees me staring.
I feel myself begin to redden.
His eyes slide right over me.
The voices in the background get louder and louder.
Drilling into my head.
No no no.
Not again.
Stop stop stop.
Breathe.
Breathe.

"Shut up!"

It feels like a million eyes are staring at me.
Think, think.
You need a reason.
Not a panic attack.
You need to see the daylight.
Open the window.
Make the darkness go away.
Please.
Sammy. I need you. Come back. Step back.
Help.
Calm.

"The teacher will come back. You need to keep the noise down."
Lame but plausible.
"Well said Miss New-but-old," It's the boy with the universe eyes.
"How about we all say our names so you know who we are?" Blue hair takes control again.
"Um, ok." Everything is going fine.
Names flick past. Hope I remember.
That would be embarrassing.
Embarrassing.
That feels, new. Or old.
I nearly laugh.

Universe eyes name is Cameron.
Blue hair is Lelia.
Damian. Black hair, band t-shirt. Musician.
Holly. Preppy, higher ponytail. Cheerleader, duh.
Kirsty. Summer dress, dreamy eyes. Artist?
Solomon. Serious, big eyes. Probably star wars fan.
Eva. Longest hair I've ever seen. Bet she's a catch.

No. Stop judging.
You hate it.
So stop.
Stop.
"Mila."
That's me.
Old-me
But
Me