Focus. I need to focus.

I didn't come here to ogle at a shirtless David and then get my breath taken away by another kiss.

No.

I came here to have a conversation. I came here so that I could act like an adult, and confront this head on.

Obviously, that didn't go as planned. I was expecting him to be hungover, to be a total kid about what happened last night.

He proved me wrong.

As I sit on David's couch, waiting for him to put on a shirt, I think about everything that happened.

Once I got over the initial shock of him not drinking last night, my hormones emerged. I couldn't stop gaping at him.

How could I not look, though? He has been hiding a lot under his shirts. It's almost a crime.

Then his words. He wants to be better. I make him want to be better. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I knew he was charismatic. But the way he shared exactly how he was feeling, was refreshing and unexpected. And it only made my lust build.

When he began to kiss me. I didn't hesitate. For once, I acted on my desire. At that moment, I wasn't kissing my dead fiancé's best friend. I was just giving into impulse. I was accepting my attraction. I was embracing David; just for now.

When I heard him moan, a rush of heat ran through me. Continuing to give in, I wrapped my arms around him so I could be closer. I needed to feel him.

When he started kissing my neck, it felt  amazing. Then, his hand went under my shirt, he felt amazing.

I haven't been touched like that in years.

But then reality hit.

If we ever intend to have anything between us. If I ever accept the chance of an us. We need to stop the groping and get to talking.

A small smile comes on my face as I feel calm and open to the possibilities.

:::

Even though it's a Friday night, James and I are sitting on the couch studying. He's in the his first year of physical therapy school and I just started my dental hygiene program.

We both have big tests coming up next week. To stay in his program and keep his scholarship, he has to keep a 3.8 gpa, which means he's studying all the time.

My test is more to screen that I am ready to see and practice on patients.

As we are both deep into studying, his phone goes off, interrupting us both. I can tell by the look on his face when he reads the text, that it's David.

"What does he want?" I ask him, even though I know.

"He wants me to go out with him." He says while he types a response.

I move my book that was on my lap and place it next to me on the couch. I raise my arms and arch my back trying to stretch out the stiffness. "You can go join him if you want." I offer. "You do deserve a break." I smile at him.

"I don't really feel like dealing with his drunk ass right now." He gives a dry chuckle.

I stand up, "I'll go make us a snack."

When I get into the kitchen, I put in a bag of popcorn and watch it closely to make sure it pops just right.

When it's finished I pour it into a big dish and grab two cans of root beer.

Before I leave the kitchen I hear James on the phone.

"No, I am perfectly fine staying home and studying with Sarah." James says trying not to sound annoyed. "Studying is something you should be doing, David. You know how your dad gets."

It sounded like James was going to continue but must have gotten cut off.

"David, you're too drunk for this conversation. I will talk to you tomorrow." James says before hanging up.

I make my way back out into the living room with the snacks.

"Everything okay with David?" I ask while I join him back on the couch.

"He just had a little too much to drink tonight." He says brushing it off.

"James, does David have a problem?" I ask cautiously. "I mean in the two and a half years we've been together, I have seen him be able to drink fairly responsibly, but lately..."

He takes a deep breath while opening his can of pop. "He used to never drink." He defends his best friend, "like in high school, he refused." He adds.

He takes a sip from his pop.

"But then we came to college, he started because it's just kind of what you do, but..." he looks at me hesitantly, "his life is complicated." He shares while trying to think of what to say next.

"After he started drinking and experienced its impacts..." James stops and shakes his head, "he just uses alcohol to cope sometimes." he clarifies.

I open my mouth to speak, but James cuts me off.

"I know that's unhealthy." He defends, knowing what I was about to say, "But I don't think it's a problem... yet."

He begins to mess with the pop tab on his can.

"I'm able to keep him in check." He says.

I play with my popcorn for a little. "Is there something we should be doing to help him?"

"No."

I don't say anything, I just take a bite of my popcorn.

"There is a lot about David you don't know." He informs me trying to get me to understand. "And it's not that I don't want to tell you," he explains, "I just feel like it's not my story to tell."

"Plus, I don't think he would feel comfortable with me sharing that with you." He says carefully. "And I don't think he would accept help from you." He winces trying not to upset me.

"I don't know why he doesn't like me." I say frustrated. "I feel like I am always pleasant."

"He likes you." James reassures me. "That's just how he is." He shrugs, "he doesn't express his feelings well, it stems from his life being complicated." He places his pop on the coaster sitting on the coffee table. He then takes my popcorn from me and sets it next to his pop.

Once we both had our hands free, he grabbed my wrist softly and pulled me into him.

We both lay down on the couch, his arms engulfing me. I place my head on his chest.

"He actually does like you." He says into my hair before kissing the top of my head. "When I talk about you, he tells me he likes that you make me happy. He tells me I better hang on to you, especially when I talk about how much I love you."

He taps my chin, so I'll look at him.

"When I talk about marrying you, he offers to help plan the proposal." James divulges with a knowing smile. "That's how I know he likes you."

I rolled my eyes. Getting engaged is a conversation we have a lot. He would propose like yesterday if he could. I know we will be married one day, so I don't feel the need to be engaged right now. Plus, I really want to be done with school before I have to worry about a wedding.

James chuckles, "you know, I think if I asked him, David would do anything for you because he knows how much you mean to me." He says before kissing my nose.

:::

As soon as David joins me on the couch, I am in resolution mode.

"I think we should jump right in and talk about the kiss and how we both felt about it." I say turning toward him on the couch, tucking one leg under me, while the other hangs off the side.

A surprised smile appears on David's face, "you like to take charge, don't you?" He teases.

I raise my eyebrow at him. "you're just figuring this out?" I tease back.

He lets out a small chuckle. He has cute little dimples.

Focus.

"Do you have a better idea?" I ask trying to get back to the topic.

"You go first." He nods to me.

I bite my lip as I think for my words carefully. "I am sorry I acted the way I did last night." I say with full sincerity. "We both know James was my last... everything. So when I realized I was kissing someone other than him... I panicked."

I let my confession hang in the air while I look away briefly before I continue hesitantly, "plus..."

"You felt like you betrayed him." David says finishing my thought.

I nod.

"I felt the same way." He says softly while scratching his stubble, "I've been feeling this pull toward you for awhile, even before we kissed." He says nervously, "And I kept telling myself that what I was feeling was wrong."

His blue eyes find mine and I am mesmerized.

"But it isn't." He says reminding me that I should pay attention to what he's saying. "What we are doing, how we are feeling, isn't wrong." David takes my hands in his, "This, isn't wrong." He says softly, while he waits for my reaction.

I don't pull away from his touch.

"My reason for trying to be involved in your life was because of James." He takes a deep breath, "he was my best friend." He pauses. "He was my brother." He begins to absentmindedly rub the back of my hands. He looks away and stares at the wall behind me, looking deep in thought.

"He asked me to take care of you. To look after you. He made me promise." His voice is shaky. "In the ambulance..."

Of course he did. Tears start to form in my eyes.

He looks at me hesitantly, "even in his last moments, he was thinking about you and about what was best for you."

Using his thumbs, he wipes the tears from my under my eyes that have fallen. I lean in to his touch.

"I know I didn't do very well at first." He says softly, "but I am trying."

"I know." I admit.

"And then JJ came." He says with a proud yet sad smile on his face while wiping his hands on his pants nervously, "he is amazing and he is James. He's a part of him." His voice breaks.

Is he going to cry?

"I hate myself for not being there for you. During the pregnancy, the birth, and the first few years." He confesses with sadness and anger in his voice. "And it's all because I couldn't get my shit together."

His eyes become glossy with tears. I don't know if it's sadness from loss or from being angry because of his past actions.

"David," I say placing my hand on top of his.

He looks down at our joined hands and stares at them while I continue.

"You coped in a way you knew how." I say with sympathy. "I don't approve of how you coped, but I understand you felt that was the only way."

"I don't deserve your forgiveness." He says quietly and then looks at me with regret.

"That's my choice. Not yours." I say definitively.

It's silent for a little as he takes a few deep breaths.

"When you started letting me back in your life," he breaks the silence, his voice calm, "I was grateful because I felt like I was finally able to fulfill my promise to James." He admits.

He takes another deep breath.

"But then something changed."

I look at him expectantly.

"It was only little things at first, but I started noticing things; the way you crinkle you're nose, how you put everyone first before yourself. How you have a huge heart and give love to those you care about. You continued to give me chance after chance throughout the years even after I was too drunk to remember all the shit I put you through."

David cups my face.

"Sarah, you are kind, you are patient, you are forgiving and I am lucky to have you in my life." He says with full sincerity.

I sit speechless, I don't know what to say.

"And you are a wonderful mother. I mean the way your face just lights up when you're around JJ or talking about him... it's beautiful. You're beautiful."

He uses words good.

"After awhile, my promise to James turned into me wanting to get closer to you and JJ. You two have become my light."

"You are quite the smooth talker." I say taking a deep breath.

"I am just telling you how I'm feeling." He smirks. "Isn't that what you said to do." He teases.

"Yes." I smile, "but I wasn't expecting it to be that good."

"I didn't grow up with people who share their feelings like this." He tells me. "But I knew, that if we are to get anywhere, those things needed to be said."

I nod my head.

"So where does that leave us?" He asks hopefully.

"I don't want to forget James. I can't forget him." I say softly.

David's face falls at my words.

"But I also don't want to stop this. I can't stop this."

David looks at me with surprise.

"What I am starting to feel for you..." I say not being able to put it in words. "I haven't felt this way since him." I say not trying to cry. "And I owe it to him to be happy. I owe it to you to give us a chance. And I owe it to myself to try this."

A huge grin spreads across David's face before he starts to lean in.

But before our lips can connect, my phone rings.

I look to see it's Samantha. I know she wouldn't be calling unless it was important.

I hope everything is okay with JJ.

"Hey, is everything okay?" I ask when I answer the phone.

"Sarah!" Samantha says through the phone with panic in her voice. "You need to meet us at the hospital right away."

:::

💭 Thoughts?

🧐 Predictions?

This is partly edited. Every time I tried posting it, some of the changes/edits weren't fixed.

I tried writing voice and autocorrect changed it to Covid. Lol so hopefully I fixed that! 😝

Thank you for reading!

~Wendy