This entry will be talking about my first love. I'm sure ya'll are familiar with Zeke and are curious about what really happened between me and him.

I never saw Zeke as a romantic partner back when we were 17. Not at first. He was just a friend who stood by me when Elliott was being neglectful towards me at the time. We always hung out at break and lunch time with another friend (we'll call him Oli) and my classmates always teased me about me and him dating and I'd always say that we're just friends. But then it got me curious. the more we talked and hung out together the more I started to realise that maybe I did like him. I liked his smile. I liked listening to him talk passionately about the stuff he liked. I liked the way he'd tease me just to get on my nerves and he'd say "hawayu" (basically his pronunciation of how are you). I liked being around him. He wasn't one to show affection but he did hug me at least twice. we almost kissed. 

ayo. You almost kissed him? 

yep.

what stopped you?

He wasn't one to open express how he felt so I wasn't sure if he even felt the same way. Plus he did criticise ke for dating Elliott so i didn't think he liked me and i didn't want to make things awkward between us. 

But just because he criticised you for dating Elliott doesn't mean that he didn't like you. 

Yeah well a bit late for that. But anyways, I lost contact with him when I transferred schools and he had already moved to Cape Town but I thought about him for four years even when I dated Oli. I thought about what it would have been if I dated him. 

Did you ever reconnect with him

Me: yeah. Through WhatsApp in 2020 when the pandemic started. we'd talk almost everyday and the feelings slowly started resurfacing until I told him that we had a crush on him back in high school with the expectation of getting rejected but my oh my he surprised me when he told me that he also felt the same way. And we ended up dating at that point. He opened up about stuff he went through growing up, things I never thought would ever happen to him and I felt bad for him but i really valued how trusted me to be vulnerable 

It was really special. The more I talked to him the harder I fell in love with him. Crazy ain't it and it was already a month since we started dating. I even talked to his little sister on video call.

I remember the night I first told him that I loved him. I remember I was texting him while i was watching Logan. I remember telling him that professor x reminded me of sekuru (grandfather) and how his death affected me especially when I was entrusted to look after him while he was recovering from an asthma attack. He also shared his own experience with losing a loved one. I don't know why but when I texted 'I love you.' it felt so right and I meant it because deep down I knew what I felt for him was real. I remember telling myself 'I love this guy. I really do. I can feel it.' there was a time when he went offline out of the blue and I got worried that something must have gone to him because he always made sure to text me later in the day or end of day. He eventually did text us me later and told me that he got jumped and robbed. And boy was i scared when he told me. 

well at least he was okay. And it sounds to me that you had a good relationship with him. 

yeah... I did. He was the first guy I felt real love for. It wasn't a high school crush. It was real love. The kind of love that makes you dizzy and makes your heart beat like crazy and makes you smile when you think about them. I always daydreamed about us going to the same university and meeting up with him in his dorm to watch star wars. he actually promised one day we'd watch it together. he even chose star wars day to be our anniversary. We did finally meet each other after five years last year in February and brought me a present for valentine's day. we also shared our first kiss 

That's really cute and straight out of a romance novel

Yep. I was leaving the y/n life🤣

so where did it go wrong...

..... I could say around February during registration for my second year. Remember he came to Zimbabwe to apply for a study Visa for him to enrol at the university of Johannesburg and it was a pretty stressful time for him. 

I remember him telling me he had panic attacks and nearly injured himself while he was working out not to forget the bullshit going on in Zimbabwe catching up to him. i even prayed for things to go well for him especially his study Visa because the process is very long. I remember I waited from October 2019 to mid January for my visa to come out so i understood his anxiety. I was also equally as stressed with registration so much I went offline from WhatsApp and didn't reply to his texts. I did end up replying his text and told him about registration and that I missed him and he kinda lashed out about how he always felt people only came to him when they felt like it and told me to not say things we don't mean.

oh my gosh. That must have hurt you 😟

It did. We took some time apart and during that time, i cried. When we talked again, he apologised and explained that he mad that I wasn't there for him at a time he needed me the most and he felt bad for lashing out at me like that. I did forgive him and things did go back to normal but thinking about it now, I think that incident created a rift between us. it was small and barely noticeable. He did say some upsetting things that made me feel a certain way but I was always vocal about it or anything i felt unless he asked me directly and that affected our communication.

He was no different because he waited two weeks after he returned to Cape Town to tell me that he got his study permit and guess when he left. The day after I told him that I was going to visit gogo (grandmother) at the farm. All because he assumed that I wasn't going to care just because I was angry with him 

wow 😐😶.

I mean yes I was angry but that didn't mean that i loved him less and it sounds to me he didn't trust me and assumed what my reaction would be like without even trying. 

Yeah... your  communication was strained

And despite us addressing and talking about it, nothing changed. not to forget I couldn't make time for our relationship because school and the second year workload was a lot compared to first year and he kinda had the expectation that I should be available. Despite him saying that he understood he didn't really understand because he wasn't a university student at the time. Plus our relationship was a long distance and over the phone

I see. Was that the reason we broke up with him 

It was my parents.

what did they have to do with it

They didn't approve of me dating him because he wasn't in university and I as a second year at the time had not business dating someone below me. They were the ones who pointed out that it was dishonest of Zeke to not tell me about his visa and him moving back to Cape town sooner and that he might have been lying to us.

I didn't wanted to believe them because I knew Zeke have never lied or would never lie to me but at the same time what if they was right and that my love for zviko was just blinding me.

so i was put in a situation where i was forced to choose between the my parents and zeke and because of the pressure and being torn between the two i got paranoid lashed out at Zeke when I caught him deleting messages in our chats because of the fear of being lied to and it forced me to break up with him

oh my gosh. that was messy

I know and I regretted it because it felt like I took the easy way out because I was being a coward about it since I didn't want to deal with the pressure from my parents and we beat ourselves over it. And it not like my parents told me to break up with him, they were still going to respect my relationship with him because I'm old enough to make decisions for myself. They were just looking out for me like any parent would because they don't want me to get hurt and taken advantage of. And the sad thing was i couldn't take it back. So in the end I ended up choosing my parents over him

how did Zeke take it 

what do you think 

.... what happened after that 

We tried to be friends but nothing felt the same. If anything it only strained our relationship more than it already was. I still had feelings for him so I couldn't see him as a friend and I was only hurting myself more. We had our fights up until he decided to drop me before i did without me realizing it. when i last talked it he was passive aggressive talking how he'll know when I'll slander him just because our friends will tell him about it. I was angry. I wanted to confront him but I couldn't coz it was pointless and i had to live with 

how were you doing since then

horribly. I was emotionally traumatized. I got triggered just by looking at his name and i felt uncomfortable when the thought of loving someone came to mind and i felt like no guy will ever love me because i felt like I'm not easy to love. I've made peace with it but I hadn't moved on. 

what about now?

I'm making progress. I started off with writing letters to Zeke to let out everything that i felt until I eventually stopped. It doesn't hurt as much as it did before but i can't will myself to love someone romantically. I mean just thinking about it right now just feels exhausting and heavy on my heart. I do think about zeke in passing and I'll be honest sometimes I wonder if he does think about me from time to time or if i still have a place in his heart. Because despite everything, he was - is - my first love and he played a big part in my life and i still care for him and I don't know if I'll ever love anyone the way I loved him. not yet anyway. whoever that guy is who can make me feel love will be a fucking miracle and I know we'll find him. someday.

But I hope he does find someone who makes him happy because he deserves it. As for me, i still have a long way to go in my healing and i have a bachelor's degree to finish. 

But I'll tell you this. I've said it more than once but I'll say it again:

The thing that sucks about breakups isn't the breakup itself. It's the aftermath.

You want to go back to the headspace and person you were before your ex and act and pretend like the relationship never happened.

But as no matter how hard you try you can't go back because nothing will ever be the same. The relationship and everything that happened during and after happened and you have to live and move forward with it whether you like it or not.

And that was a painful lesson I learned from my break up.