This entry will be talking about the time I was in a messy situationship back in my first year. A dark period in my life where I had it bad for a guy I wasn't in love with. Even though I've made peace with it and moved on, it's something I should revisit and talk about. 

So late January is around the time I met a guy at a party for the international students right. We'll call him Miguel

I remember going there so I could get out of our comfort zone and socialize with people and see what was the hype about going to uni parties and clubs and I learned that I don't really like being in crowded places like the club.

I was chilling with my friends and my roommate (we'll call her Annie) and I was looking around the venue and that's when I saw the nigga. and I am not exaggerating when I say that it was attraction at first sight. not love at first sight. attraction at first sight. Like i loved the vibe going with him and I definitely liked what I was seeing in that moment. I mean to be fair, he wasn't physically attractive but the vibe and aura he gave was definitely something I liked and when that happens, looks don't even matter to me. so i talk to him and introduce ourselves to each other. Everything is flowing smoothly. except talking to him felt like deja vu. 

what do you mean talking to him felt like deja vu?

I mean, it felt like I've had that kind of interaction with him before and his vibe felt familiar. it's only a few seconds later do i realised that Miguel kinda reminded us of Elliott before he dated me. And I got scared. 

why? We made peace and moved on after coming to the conclusion that he wasn't going to care about the shit he put us through. 

and you think we should let another version of Emanuel into our life and make repeat of 2015-2018? No thank you bitch! We weren't having it and what makes it worse is that this was two weeks after we saw Emanuel. But I still continued talking to him for the rest of that night. I danced with him. I even kissed him - well he kissed me first. I'll be honest with you, he did make my first at a party and club memorable. and he was a good kisser. 

chang seriously? 😒

what? You're the one who wanted us to reflect on the thing. anyways, we exchange numbers. we talk on WhatsApp for the next three days but i get uncomfortable continuing our interaction with Miguel because he reminds us so much of Elliott. I talk to our friend and Annie about it. they say just tell him that i don't want to talk to him and i do just that. I remember telling him that he reminds me of someone i don't want to think about and he got mad saying that he thought that I was a cool person but he'll respect my decision 

why wouldn't he be mad. That was a cold thing to say and you were definitely projecting your experience with Elliott on him without even giving him a chance and the benefit of doubt. 

I know. I know. I kinda expected him to make an effort and prove me wrong. The typical 'I'm not like other guys' things because i was still attracted to him. I thought about him ever since on some occasions. But i made my bed and i might as well lie in it. well, that was until Annie told me she was in a situationship (kinda like a friends with benefits type of relationship) with Miguel  

oh..... how did you react? 

i cried. (Not in front of her). I remember going for therapy to my mentor almost every week. Annie asked if i was okay with her dating bukhosi and i said that i already blew my chances and that if she wants something with him who am i to stop her. I tried to act supportive of her even though it killed me inside when she referred Miguel as her boyfriend. 

Why would she ask that. She knew about you and him. She was even there when you met him. She even saw you kiss the nigga. And you were okay with that? 

hey! I didn't want to start no drama over a guy. That's stupid. 

Yeah but you played yourself and it got worse when you saw them together. thrice.

And with the cherry on top i got so desperate i thought it was a good idea to hook up with one of the guys i met at the Campus Life festival. Thank God i wasn't stupid enough to sleep with the guy and just made out with him but i knew i was going to regret it the following morning. And surprise surprise i did and the water works kicked in. I felt dirty and slutty for stooping that low and throwing my self respect for a guy who tossed me aside for my roommate of all people. And what made it worse was that he KNEW she was my roommate. 

that was fucked up

Yeah well we talked about it with my friend and annie and decided that it's better that annie didn't talk about Miguel while I was there. I mean it sucked that it ended up like that but for the sake of ny mental health it was for the best. 

True that

Anyway when i went back home when covid started, i decided to start this rang book on wattpad where i rant about anything and talk about my experiences and i decided to write about the Miguel thing. I advertised the book on Instagram. Annie read the entry

how did she react? 

She was pissed at me for writing about it and publishing it without asking her because it's her story. 

What do you mean it's her story? She didn't live through what you went through. So who is she to say that it's her story and act like you weren't involved. 🤨

I did think that. I did want to say that but i didn't want to cause anymore drama. Besides i did feel bad about it especially when I referred to her as "my roommate" even though I did give out her real name so we apologised and deleted the entry. But I were torn over it because as much as it wasn't the best idea writing and publishing it without asking her, i felt like i didn't do anything wrong because i was sharing MY experience and how I saw it and learnt from it. And it's not like we painted her in a bad light or villainised her in anyway nor did i give out her real name. So i consulted my aunts. Two of them were disappointed in me and did point out that i was in the wrong. the other two did note that it was wrong but also concluded that annie's reaction is coming from a place of guilt. Even my close friend said that it was coming from a place of guilt when i talked about it this year. 

well I guess....

but anyway. Around that time, miguel texted ne on Facebook saying that he wanted to talk to ne. And we thought that Annie told him about the whole thing and was going to confront me about it. But when i did text him and ask him what's up he was like: nothing. just wanted to tell you that I miss you. 

.....he missed you?🤨😶

yep.

Wasn't he in a situationship with Annie

that's what i asked and he was like: not when I last checked. 

oh my gosh! So this situationship was one sided?!

pretty much. I copied and pasted the texts and sent them to Annie and i was like: sis. Your mans is texting me saying that he misses me. Wft is going on. And she was like: we're not together. He's free 

translation: you were pinning on this guy for long. You can have him. His not my problem anymore. like sis, she just letting you know what your guy is doing out of respect for you but okay.

so i asked Miguel about the thing. according to him he has a habit of implying and making it seem like he's interested in someone when it's not like that. Him and Annie talked for a bit. He asked annie for my number. She got mad and blocked him. And i straight up told him that what was not cool. 

yet you still continued talking to him despite all that because you wanted to redeem ourselves and give him a chance. 

yep.

how did that go

it went on okay. I mean i enjoyed talking about anime because he liked anime but it didn't feel right. We did get into a fight because i acted passive aggressively when he asked about some girl who lived at the same on campus residence as me. I talked about it with my cousins and they advised that i don't talk to him because it was betraying the whole purpose of me learning from learning from the experience and i should try to make peace with annie. I were reluctant at first but I decided to go through with it. I called Miguel and talked about it. And surprisingly he also thought that it was for the best.

oh... that was nice. did you regret it.

surprisingly no. It just removed a weight and burden on my shoulders especially when we ended things mutually. well, that's what I thought when Miguel called me in the middle of the night when i was asleep.

the fuck. I thought yall agreed to not talk to each other 

That's what I told him but he was like: if you didn't want to talk why did you answer the phone. and since I was tired and sleepy and didn't want to deal with him i hung up. But the mafucka kept calling and calling and calling. I woke up with 12 missed calls and a couple of messages demanding that i pick up the phone

Jesus!😧

after that i confronted him about it and asked him why he still wanted to keep contact with me after the mess he created between me and annie and he sent us messages between his homies saying that he should say that: I realised that I made a mistake blah blah blah. somewhere along those lines and i told him to never talk to me again and blocked him. and the rest is history. 

damn. I think we really dodged a bullet. I mean him moving on to our roommate and lead her on just because we rejected him. That's fucked up. Annie didn't deserve that. 

I know. 

So how did you feel after that 

honestly, not so great. given my dating history I've been let down so many times that I decided to settle for no strings attached relationships because people around my age don't take love seriously. if anything word love has been tossed around carelessly and abused by people so much it lost meaning especially with the younger generation. So I decided to just go for no strings attached relationships/ situationships/friends with benefits until i turned 27 because i was convinced that we might find love at that age. That was until Zeke came into the picture and changed everything but that's a story for another day. 

How about now, especially after what happened with Zeke. do you still want to settle for situationships and friends with benefits. 

No. Because i know that i value intimacy and desire to be loved and i have a higher chance of imprinting and getting attached and if i thought i was emotionally traumatized by my break up with zeke, i would most definitely be emotionally traumatized if i imprinted and got attached to the wrong person especially when that person wouldn't even give a shit about ke. Right now, I'm focusing on finishing ky degree since this is our last year, I'm also focusing on myself so relationships aren't exactly on my agenda. I might desire the intimacy but i know it's something i don't really need at the moment and I'm likely to not find what I'm looking for.