I've been thinking a lot lately.

So for the longest time, I've always felt like I'm just a background girl back home. A girl with little significance. No voice. A girl who just exists for the sake of existing. It did hurt for the past 7 years of my high school but along the way I grew to accept it.

But chang? Didn't you have friends who you still talk to till this day?

I do but it doesn't help the feeling though.

I hear my friends talk about how fun university is. People won't care about who you and you don't have to act in some type of way and you don't have to fit in. And I was like: huh? Maybe things might be different for me when I do start uni.

However, when I did start university, it's wasn't exactly what I was expecting. I mean the pressure with school is real. There's no denying that. But I still felt the same way I was back home in uni. Not many people besides my friends notices me and if they do they don't really care to even bother to talk to me.

Maybe it's because you expect people to approach you. You can't always expect people to make an effort if you don't try.

Believe me I have tried that. I tried to make an effort to talk to people but it feels like I'm forcing it and I hate it.

It even got to a point where I thought I could change how I look just to seek attention only for me to feel stupid for trying too hard.

To me, it feels like no matter where I go I'll always be a background character. Someone you'll see but won't care to talk to and nothing will change that even if I do try to change myself and I hate it so much. Yes, I do have friends but most of them are back home and I'll living in a different country for three years. Video calls or text or aren't enough for me.

I know this sounds selfish but at this point I don't care if it is. I'm 20 years. I'm technically at a stage where I should focus more on myself and do things for myself. And breaking out of this shell of being a background character is a start.