Lia

Some people read to take their minds off reality. Some play games or music, some draw and some eat, all of them with one motive – forget reality. I am – or was – the kind of person who'd read or go out with my gang; they always make me – they made me – happy.

But now? Now, I'm the kind of person who looks at the skies that are filled with an endless supply of blue. Sometimes fluffy clouds float but when they don't, the skies are an abyss of... nothingness then. I like the nothingness, I guess I could say. The night sky is accompanied with the moon, a shining guide to those in the dark, and is scattered with a few stars. It blankets me with its tranquility, reminding me of... nothing but blue, blue and blue.

I can stare at the skies forever. It's the only thing I can look at, that doesn't remind me of Hays. And right now, I don't want to remember Hays. Because when I do, I can only picture her falling, down and down, until she hits the ground; I can only picture her broken body and the blood that was pooling around it. I can only picture me standing there, doing nothing to stop my best friend from committing suicide. 

Regret suffocates me. I keep imagining the moment on the rooftop, where Hayley stands at the edge. I imagine running to her and pulling her away from the edge. I imagine... I imagine a thousand different ways she could have survived. 

But she didn't. And I regret not doing something more - anything more - than what I did, which is nothing compared to what I should have done. I should have done so much more. She should have survived. But the only thing I did, was remind her about the promise. A freaking promise. And what did it do? Nothing.

Useless - that's what I am. I watched my best friend fall. I was the last one to speak to her and I witnessed her last moments. But I? I couldn't stop her. I couldn't stop my best friend.

'Hey.' I'm pulled from my trance as the spell is broken, so I turn, my gaze locking with Jess's.

'Long time, no see.' Tina smiles slightly, coming over to hug me.

Sitting up, I return the hug and fold my legs, giving space for them to sit. 'Hey, guys,' I sigh. I'm sorry I've been missing all your calls and being unresponsive to your texts. I just wanted-'

'Hey, hey, hey, it's okay.' Tina pats my back. A moment passes before she adds, 'We miss you.'

I smile slightly and turn to Jess. 'How are you doing?' I know that Jess has – had – a different type of connection with Hays. Sure, we are all best friends but they just... clicked in a different way.

Jess shrugs. 'Honestly, I'm still figuring it out.'

Oh, Jess, we all are.

I nod, understanding. This is how it's going be, and it's going to take time for us to truly accept everything and move on; it's going to take time for us to repair ourselves. Until then, there's going to be a part of us that's broken. 'We'll figure it out together, okay? We'll figure it out with time.' I hold Jess's hand.

'When are you going to come back to school?' Tina voices out.

I sigh. 'If I could have it my way, the answer would be never. But everyone's encouraging me to. Naana say the normalcy might help. I don't know.' I rub my eyes.

'You're lucky you have an older brother,' Jess remarks, pulling her hand away.

'Yeah, he's been giving me a lot of advice.'

'You know Lia, what you said is true.' Tina runs her fingers through her hair. 'Time will help us and heal us.'

Jess shakes her head. 'When, Tina?' Jess insists. 'When will everything be okay?'

'I don't know the answer to that, Jess. All I know is that it will be okay. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow either. But some day, it will be. We have to believe that someday, this,' she gestures at the empty air, 'will be okay.'

'It's seems like a far-fetched belief to me,' Jess snaps, crossing her arms.

'But Jess, if we don't believe that, then there's nothing to believe in. So we have to believe that,' I plead.

'I'd rather not believe in anything than some... crazy belief,' she spits out.

Why is Jess so defensive about this? 

Tina doesn't comment.

I turn to Jess, trying to shift the conversation topic. 'So how is school?'

'It would be better with you.'

I smile lightly. We sit in silence for a while, but it's the kind of silence we're comfortable with; the kind of silence where we don't have to keep talking because it feels awkward. Then the moment breaks as Tina hesitantly asks,

'Hey, Lia? I feel like this is the wrong time, but may I ask you something? It's been bothering me for a while.'

No, no, no. I know what you're going to ask because I know you. Please, don't ask it. 'Sure, go ahead.'

'Did you know?' she whispers. Why, Tina? Why does this matter? She doesn't need to elaborate; I know exactly what she's inquiring about. But this is a question I don't want to answer because this question brings back Hayley's body - broken and bloody - in my mind. My breaths become shorter and it's like someone's squeezing my throat. I close my eyes.

Breathe, Lia. In and out.

In and out. 

In and out.

I bite my lip. 'I... I knew she cut.'

Tina's face falls slightly at this.

'You knew? You knew and you couldn't stop her?' Jess whispers. 'You should have!' Her voice rises.

'I know, I should have. I should have done something.' My voice breaks. 'But I thought that a promise was enough because promises meant a lot to her.'

'But it wasn't enough! How can a promise stop her?' Jess shouts.

Oh, Jess. I ask myself the same thing every day, every hour, every minute and every second. I'm useless, Jess. I didn't do enough to stop my best friend. No, I did nothing to stop my best friend. My heart beats fast and my hands start sweating when I admit, 'I... I guess... I should have done more.'

'Jess, stop.' Tina's voice is firm.

'You guess?' Jess hisses.

'Jess! I said, stop!'

Whispering 'I definitely should have', I look up, trying to stop the tears from falling, but they do anyway and when they do, Tina envelopes me in a hug.

Jess doesn't join. 

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

What are your thoughts on this chapter? :)

I'll keep updating every five days (In Sha Allah), you guys! Also, this chapter came out longer that I expected to. I edited this chapter a lot and I'm happy now. But I haven't checked the last edit - this. So if there are any mistakes or any parts that don't flow well, you can always comment here or at that part. 

Also, I changed the blurb. How is it? I'm still not happy with it though; I feel like something is missing. Any tips?