Lia

It's been three months since she was gone. Honestly, I can now stare into space without being constantly reminded of her face. I've cried about her every single day, and then it became one day after the other, and then it became once in a while, and then it became whenever I was reminded of her and those moments of her were the ones I was attached to her the most, and now it's barely ever. Sure, I miss her terribly, but I guess I've moved on.

There are days when I remember her more, times when I  miss her more, moments when I want her beside me more than I do on other days, but to remind myself that she's gone, and that I've moved on and don't need to cry about it, I've pasted little sticky notes with inspiring quotes all over my desk, my walls, my bed, my favourite books - just any place or thing that I constantly see or use. My favourite quotes so far are:

'It may not get better today, Lia. Maybe it won't get better tomorrow either. But some day, it will. You have to believe that.'

This is something Tina told me some time ago, and honestly, it's the quote that help me get through everything. Tina can have the best advice, and I'm so glad I have her as a friend. 

'Don't blame yourself all the time. There are certain things, certain people and certain events that you can't control. You're not God, so stop thinking like you are Him.' 

This is a quote that I made, inspired by words from someone else. They pretty much said the same thing, but I didn't remember how they worded it, so I wrote my own. 

I realised no matter how many times I replayed that moment on the rooftop, wishing I did something, there's absolutely nothing I could have done. When you're in shock, you don't really react the way you would wish you did later on. You might do and say things you wish you didn't. Or you might have done nothing at all, but wish you did. Either way, wishing doesn't change anything. You can wish and wish all you want, day and night, from daybreak till dawn, but wishes simply don't do anything. Wishes don't change situations and events that have already passed.

 Wishes will only remain as wishes. They're not reality. They never were, they never will be. 

At one point, I thought I understood how Hays felt and I somehow thought that maybe I'm suicidal for being able to relate, or at least understand, to all these negative emotions and thoughts. Even if they were her actual thoughts, I knew that this was a path I never want to traverse down on, because not only is it filled with darkness where the deeper you walk into it, the harder it is to return, but also because the destination this path leads to shatters not only your mentality to a point where it would seem like there's no return, but it shatters a part of everybody you love and everybody who knew you.

So I pulled myself out of that phase. It's something I refuse to go through. 

'Li, can you bake more cookies?' my brother shouts from downstairs. 

'Bake them yourself!' I yell back. 

'I'm doing something, Li,' he says, dragging my name. 

'So?' 

'You're so useless.'

'Oh- I was going to the bake the cookies, but you know since you said I'm so useless, toodles to that idea!' I laugh. 

'Lia, please!' 

Grinning, I close the book I was reading and walk downstairs, only for the grin to be quickly replaced with a scowl. 'Are you freaking serious? You're watching tv and you can't be bothered to bake cookies? It'll probably only take five minutes! I was actually doing something productive up there!' I storm back upstairs and attempt to concentrate on my book, but I give up after trying for twenty minutes reading the same lines, but not comprehending a single word from it, and take my phone. 

'Sorry,' he says walking in with a plate of freshly baked cookies. 'Want some?'

'You ruined my whole mood, Nana! I really hate you sometimes. And no.'

'You sure?'

'Yeah.'

'Are you really sure?'

'Yes!'

'Yay!' 

I roll my eyes, and walk to my balcony. The clouds are all a dark grey denoting yet another storm we'll be facing today. I turn towards the mountain of washed clothes that fill my laundry basket, that have yet to dry, and sigh. It'll be some time before I start wearing my comfy clothes again. It's very hard for me when my clothes don't dry on time, because then I'll have to actually make an effort with my choice of outfits and what matches and what doesn't, and start wearing not so comfortable clothes, and clothes I've never worn in my whole life but somehow are in my wardrobe. 

Honestly though, this is the only time when I realise all the clothes I have. I also think a lot of people can relate to this, I know a couple of people who certainly do. 

My phone beeps with a notification from Tina in our group chat. 

Any plans for Saturday? I want to meet you guysss. Shall we meet up if the weather is okay?

Jess replies: I'm free. I want to meet you guys too. It's been forever since we met. School closed two months ago, what are you guys even doing at home? Boredom is killing me. Literally. 

I type: I'm free, Tina. Also, I'm just focusing on reading and baking. RIP Jess xd

Tina texts: yay! Saturday it is. I'm doing art, lol. Will tell you guys about it when we meet.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Salams everyone! Ahhhhhh, I'm so sorry I've been dead here for a long time. I know I promised to return to this book on December, but after my exams I became disinterested in everything I once was interested in, and I didn't want to push myself to write chapters I was not going to put effort into. Alhamdulillah, I've got my interest and motivation back, so I'll be updating again. Please note my updates will be inconsistent because my finals for my second year is coming up. However, I'm pretty sure for a week or two, I'll be updating quite a bit, because it's easier for me to write out chapters when I'm not as happy as I usually am. 

If you're wondering why I'm not as happy as I usually am, it's because a friend I had on discord left. I'm so upset about that, but I'm not really sure why. I mean, online friends shouldn't be able to make you so upset, or so I believe. So the fact that she's leaving is upsetting me, is so confusing to me. Why does it matter so much? 

Have you guys ever made online friends who left? Did they inform you before leaving or just dropped off the face of earth one day? How did you deal with it? 

Ahhh! Anyway, I have something I want to work on and am working on besides writing, which I'll inform you guys maybe within the next chapter or so. 

Also, I know this chapter was MUCH shorter than it should be, but I'm just elated with putting out a chapter after so long, that it's not really bothering me much lol. I'll try getting the other chapters longer though. I also didn't edit this 😅 Feel free to bring in all criticisms, I'm listening (or reading).

And if you've been here from the beginning, thank youu. 

Hayley