I don't do well in crowds.

Drops of sweat materialize on my neck as my gaze darts from one face to the next.

The hall is alive with moving bodies as students stream to and from lockers. I close my eyes tight to block them all out, but the noise is deafening.

My heart loosens from my chest and vibrates. It's a fluttery feeling, but all wrong. The heart should be solid and there for you, not quaking and ready to take cover at the first sign of trouble.

A nagging whirr starts inside me, like an early warning signal of trouble ahead. I try to ignore it, but the hum grows stronger. And just like that, it's too much... the noise... the crowds.... My heart drums inside me... get out... get out... get out...

I stumble backward until my knapsack connects with a wall. I'm frozen, eyes wide and unable to move even as people start to look over.

"Hey..." someone says, as a solid blue chest appears before me, blocking the chaos behind him.

I look up to find Will standing in front of me.

"It's okay," he whispers. "Just look at me."

My anxious eyes lock onto his dark calm ones.

"In another minute, they'll all be in their classrooms," he says, using his body as a shield between me and everyone else. "It's just really loud now, but soon it will be quiet again."

The mad beating in my chest softens, soothed by the evenness of his voice.

"See," he says, "they're already moving on."

I wait, my lips parted as I try to get enough air. He continues to speak in a gentle, repetitive tone. "Just a little longer."

When only a couple of students remain, he takes a step back.

"Are you okay now?"

"I'm sorry," I say in a scratchy voice, even though I don't know what I'm apologizing for, except for being the way I am.

"Don't be." He gives me a reassuring smile. "There's a lot of us. And we're just really loud... all the time. Lunch break is even worse," he adds. "Then it's like zoo animals released from cages." He takes a step back and stops. "I have to get to class now. Do you know where you're going?"

I nod.

"Okay, then. I'll see you around."

After he's gone, I push into the girl's washroom as the announcements overhead drone on from the school speakers. I lean back against the door, swallowing deep gulping breaths of air.

I wish I could go home. I don't want to be here.

Everyone started school in early September-but not me.

Cassie didn't know until yesterday when her work schedule changed unexpectedly and she came home from the hospital at eleven in the morning to find me drawing in my pajamas on the balcony outside her room.

She asked me why I do things like this. Her voice was pained, and it hurt because I know she's right. She can't trust me. No one can. Not when I can't even trust myself. I tell her and Dad what they want to hear, but then I don't do it.

I tried to tell her I wasn't ready but Cassie wouldn't listen to excuses. She put her foot down -- school today, or back to Toronto for me. Simple decision. Choosing between my half-sister, Cassie, or Dad, I'd rather live with the one who doesn't have anger issues.

Only I'm not ready. I need more time.

When the last announcement scratches to a finish and silence settles around me, I wash my hands in the sink. In the mirror, a worried face stares back at me and I know I've been lying to myself.

I'll never be ready.

As I stand there, I wish, not for the first time, that I wasn't like this --- that crowds didn't freak me out, or that the idea of having anyone touch me, especially a guy, didn't make me want to vomit. 

[Author's note: If you are reading this anywhere but Wattpad, then know that the story has been stolen and reproduced without my permission].