Ryder POV

January 16th, 2020 was the day my already horrible life turned even worse.

Here I was at my house ending things with Willow, telling her that I couldn't be with her because I wanted to be with Jayda. Even though I doubt Jayda even knew who I was then, well, she probably knew who I was but didn't really know who I was, if that makes sense.

To her, I was the school bully, the heartless boy—the King of the Elite.

Many people think being an elite is the best thing ever to happen; they think you are just this perfect person if you are one of us. Little do they know we are far from perfect.

To be an elite, you have to be damaged, broken.

That's all we are.

Broken souls terrorizing others to make ourselves feel better.

Willow hated me for ending things with her. I have no idea why she would even be mad; she's the one who slept with all my "friends." Did she really expect me to stay with her after I found out? Willow is yet another regret I have in my life. I lost my virginity in the ninth grade with a girl I barely knew. A girl I only started talking to because I wanted to keep my mind off of Jayda.

My "friend" group started to catch on to me when I told them not to mess with her and to choose some else to terrorize during grades 9th-11th. I always made sure that they left her alone. The parties we threw, I again made sure she never got invited. A Lot of shit went down at those parties, a lot of shit that I never wanted her around.

They started to make fun of me for simping over a girl who wasn't one of us or who wasn't even popular, so I "dated" Willow. I had sex with her. I felt horrible, and I still couldn't stop thinking about Jayda.

Willow and I were on and off for three years; I kept breaking up with her because I would tell myself I was going to finally tell Jayda how I felt, but then I backed down.

I slept with yet another girl, thinking maybe I just needed to find the one. Technically another one because Jayda is and has always been the one.

Anyways Matt, helped me sleep my way through the school, our school, and Harrison Prep. After sleeping with ten different girls, two at the same time over the years.

Jayda was still the only one I wanted.

I got back with Willow sometime during Junior year. Eventually, I couldn't take the emptiness in my heart anymore. I wanted to just come clean to Jayda and tell her how I felt. It took me twelve years, but I was finally going to do it; I didn't care about the consequences if declaring my love for her meant giving up the life I followed in my brother's footsteps to have, then I was all for it.

Willow knew from the very beginning since ninth grade that I liked Jayda; I told her, she said she didn't care. She knew how I felt about Jayda; she knew I was never really with her because my heart belonged to another.

It belonged to a girl who walked in a world with no direction.

Every day Jayda came to school looking even more lost than before. The girl involved in everything slowly was backing out of the things she once enjoyed. I didn't understand.

So many times, I wanted to go up to her and just say something, but I didn't. I was a coward. I fucking idiot, eighteen and scared to talk to a girl.

Granted, she's not any girl; she's Jayda, the girl I had loved all my life, even before I even knew what love was. It wasn't until I became older when I realized it was more than just some schoolboy crush.

On January 16th, I finally decided to tell her how I felt, it was late, around 11 pm, when I got this burning desire to go to her, so I did.

Willow happened to be at my house that day. I ended whatever the hell we had and left her standing outside my house. She really tried to tell me some bullshit story about being pregnant. I'm 100% certain it wasn't mine. I hopped in my car and drove towards Jayda. If I only left earlier, drove a little quicker, maybe I could have stopped her.

Over and over, I replayed scenarios in my head as to how me declaring my love for her could have gone down. Never in a million years did I think I would find her in a pool of her own blood with both of her wrist slit.

Once I parked the car at her house, I got out, walked towards the door, prepared to knock, but then I realized the door was already wide open. There was no car in the driveway, so I knew her parents weren't home; I didn't even know if she would be home.

Did I turn around and just call the cops? No. I walked in. My eyes instantly went to the shattered glass on the floor; I bent down examining it; it was a broken liquor bottle.

I walked up the stairs slowly, it didn't feel like someone was in the house, but it did feel like something was wrong. Something led me exactly to the door in the middle; when I opened it, I found torn papers everywhere, more shattered glass, a broken bookshelf. It looked like a freaking tornado just blew through.

Whimpers rang through my ears, which led me to twist the knob of the bathroom door, which was locked. I began to panic because I knew it was her in there, on the other side. The bathroom was locked, so I kicked it down.

Soon as I saw her on that floor, it felt like someone had just taken a dagger and stabbed me through the heart.

There she was lifeless, blood soaking her clothes and staining the marble tile. I rushed to her side, kneeled down; she used what I thought was her last breath to say my name.

Her eyes. I remember every small detail from that night, the worst night of my life, but what I remember the most was her eyes. You would think, in the moments before someone's departure. They would be scared or nervous; their eyes would hold onto this life, the life that they are leaving behind.

But she wasn't; her eyes... she wasn't afraid, she was done. There was nothing within her that said she wanted to live and that what she had done was a mistake. Within her eyes, it looked like she was pleading with me not to save her.

I pulled her into my arms and told her to hold on; I couldn't... I wouldn't just let her just die. Quickly I called 911. They told me what to do. Blood was rushing out of her quickly; I used a blanket from her bed and wrapped it around her wrist tightly to slow the bleeding. We live in a small town; the hospital was only minutes away, so they got there pretty quick.

I still thought she was going to die; I was covered in blood her blood. In the ambulance, they tried to bring her back, but she was unresponsive. They asked me if I knew where her parents were; I told them no. I called my mom, telling her to call them, she called me back saying they didn't answer, but she left messages,

We arrived at the hospital, she was responsive by then but going in and out of consciousness. For some reason, she believes that her mom and dad were there when they took her into surgery, but they weren't; it was no one there but me.

Her parents didn't show up till hours later; they were at some fucking Gala with their phones off. A fucking Gala, they were out living their best lives while she was ending hers.

I sure as hell cursed them out because who the fuck does that shit? They made me promise not to say anything to her about me being the one to find her; they also made me promise to keep quiet at school. They didn't have to do that because I wasn't going to say anything to anyone.

I wanted to stay until she woke up, but me being there literally had no purpose; we weren't friends, we weren't even acquaintances. How could I tell her I loved her? Especially after she just tried to kill herself.

So I went home, tossed my bloody clothes, and became a monster. I'm a monster; I didn't know in detail what lead her to attempt suicide, but I knew it was something. She came back to school, and I treated her horribly.

If we had never got partnered on that project together, I would have just gone back to being invisible to her and secretly protecting her from shit she has no idea about. But we did.

I tried so hard to get out of it; I just knew working with her would jog her memory of that night, but it didn't. I didn't want to treat her nice because she could have started to fall for me, and I didn't want her to. I wanted her to hate me. I needed her to hate me. She did sorta, but somehow she always saw past my facade.

For years, I wanted to share a moment with her like yesterday, I finally got it, and at the moment, it was amazing, but after... what I feel right now isn't amazing. I feel awful.

What happened last night should not have happened. What the fuck was I thinking? I just got lost in her brown eyes, and then when she said it was real, her kissing me was real, my heart desired her even more.

I love her so fucking much. But my love for her isn't enough. Yesterday even after all that, she still asked me if I really loved her; she needed me to say it though I have told her plenty of times. I don't want her to need me because I am not perfect, I will mess this shit up, and I don't want her to want to end her life because of my fuck ups; she needs to find herself before anything between us can happen.

Even though I want her, all of her, every inch of her. I will never truly belong to her; she will never truly belong to me when the demons of her own mind still hold tight to her.

I continue rubbing the small of her back as she rests on my chest. She's even more beautiful when she sleeps; how is that even possible?

How can she not see how beautiful she is?

She's so insecure about everything. Did Caleb not ever tell her she was beautiful? Did he not ever try to assure her that she was lovable, that she deserved to be loved?

Obviously not; if he did, maybe she wouldn't doubt everything about herself. Even if he did, I don't think she would believe it if she doesn't see how great she is, then no matter how many times she is told it, she'll never truly believe it.

My alarm goes off; I reach over to turn it off. She wakes up and sits up, looking at me, smiling. "I don't want to leave," she says.

"We have to," I respond coldly and get up from the bed, looking for my T-shirt. Crap, I forgot she's wearing it. My shirt is so big on her; even with her curves, it's still baggy.

"Ugh," she groans; she slides off the bed and stands in front of me; I try to look everywhere but at her, if I do if I look at her body while it's in my shirt, who knows what'll do. "I don't want to go back; I want to stay here with you,"

"We have to; I told your parents I'm bringing you back today," I texted them last night after she fell asleep to tell them where we were at; I told them I would bring her home today; she needs to go home.

She frowns, "What, why would you do that?"

"Because...they're your parents. They are worried about you,"

"They don't care about me,"

They sure as hell don't act like it, "Either way, you have to go back,"

Jayda POV

He attempts to turn away from me; I pull him closer and say, "Are we going to talk about last night?" he has to be feeling the exact way I do. Like I he has to be replaying the events of last night in his head over and over again, I am.

"There's nothing to talk about,"

I tilt my head to the side and smile. He has to be joking, "Of course there is. What does this mean? What happens to us?" We can't just go back to how we were; we can't just be friends and pretend as if last night didn't happen; what happened between us was powerful, electrifying, unforgettable.

He sighs and looks away from me. My heart weighs heavy because I know something is wrong; he's cold and standoffish.

After he looks back at me, he hesitates before saying, "There is no us, and yesterday didn't mean anything,"

"What?" Is the only thing that comes out of my mouth. He turns away and grabs my pants and shirt from off the floor; he hands them to me forcefully.

"Put your clothes on,"

I notice how he still isn't looking at me, he is looking everywhere, but at me, he steps to the side trying to walk around me; I move in front of him, "Ryder. What is wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong," he lies.

"You're lying," Oh no. "Was it something I did?" I have to have done something wrong last night for him to wake up like this.

"You didn't do anything,"

"Then why are you treating me like this? How could last not mean anything to you? You said you loved me," Was he lying?

"I do love you,"

"Then what happened, in a 10-hour time span what happened," I start to pace back and forth around the bedroom, "Is it because I didn't say it back? It's because I didn't say I love you back. One day I will say it I just need more-"

"No, Jayda!" he shouts, "It isn't because you didn't say it back,"

"Oh," I take a seat on the edge of the bed. Well, if it's not that, then what is it?

He says, "I realized that I couldn't love you for you,"

"I don't understand,"

"You will never be able to love me back,"

"You don't know that!"

"Yes, I do. You will never love me if you don't love yourself,"

"I can,"

He shakes his head, "Maybe you can. But I don't want you to love me first and love yourself second,"

"But I-"

"You don't love yourself, Jayda," He cuts me off, "If you loved yourself, you wouldn't need constant reassurance from me to prove that I love you and that you deserved to be loved,"

My aching hearts squeeze tight at his words, a tear rolls down my cheek, and I taste the saltiness on my lip.

Ryder POV

I say, "You carry so much love in your heart for everyone, give some to yourself,"

"What about you? You don't love yourself either; you think you are this horrible person when you are not,"

"I know that," I am a horrible person. And I don't love myself; I don't deserve even to be telling Jayda that I'm in love with her because once she realizes her worth, she'll become something great, she'll become someone better than myself, she will eventually need someone better than me.

"I love you, Jayda, with all my heart, I swear I do," My love for her is undeniable. "But you don't love yourself, and that is what is most important to me, you being happy, not because I am in your ear telling you I love you every five minutes, but when you are look in the mirror and smile at yourself because you see the greatness I see,"

Her head drops down, and she begins to cry for the hundredth time. "You have Broken down a Million times and still put yourself back together again; think about how amazing and how powerful you are!"

"I don't know how to love myself; I don't see what you see," she says faintly.

I bring her to look back at me, "You will!"

"You make me feel like everything is okay when nothing is not; I'm happy with you; you make me happy!"

And so does she, I only feel whole when I am with her. "I can't be your only source of happiness, and you can't be mine," You know it's true love when all you want is that person to be happy even if you're not the reason they are happy.

"Why not?" her eyes feel with more tears; as she looks at me, I take my hands and wipe them away from her face.

"If we were to be together now and start a relationship now, it would never work. We both are broken. We would be too scared to leave each other because we don't know who we are without one another. We will be too broken to stay, but we do, so we keep hurting each other and then calling it love,"

Toxic, toxic is what it is. "I will not put you through that,"

Bags form under her eyes; he places both hands at the side of my face. "Maybe we can help each other," she whimpers as her voice cracks.

I can't help her, love herself, she still doesn't understand. She understands the most difficult, complex novels in the world, but she can't grasp this. I slide her hands off of my face and hold them in her lap. I spend thirty seconds trying to figure out what to say, but then it finally hits me; it's only one thing I can say; maybe when I say it, she'll understand.

"Two broken souls cannot heal each other even if they are the same,"

~~~

(I'm not crying you are!🥺

He built different 👐🏽 his character development😫 he was always like that, everything he did was for a reason... always for Jayda!

Y'all the ending line I done had in my head for the longest!!!!!!! So happy I'm finally using it! Emily Bronte could never 😂 sike Nah I'm kidding

And yes I changed the chapter numbers I continued it from the first book🤣 calm down

I done skipped all my classes today to write this chapter Anyways how did you guys feel about this weeks update?)