"Twenty-Two burgers," I tell Denny, who is already flipping ten on the stove.

"These damn Jocks!" He huffs, "How come when I eat, I get fat, and when they eat, they get buff? How does that work, Jayda?"

I laugh and say, "I have no idea,"

He wipes the sweat from his forehead; the kitchen is so steamy from all this constant cooking, "They just had to throw a party here!" he groans.

"Right, Why would Kelly even allow this? It's too many people here. Isn't this like a fire hazard?" There have to be over 60 people out there; the dinner isn't that big, so people are literally wall to wall.

"She needs the money; they raised the property taxes, she's talking about selling the place,"

I grab two milkshake glasses from the top of the shelf, "What?"

He flips another burger, "That's what she said last Friday, but luckily she decided to let the kids throw the party here, which gave us enough money for three months. That should hold us off until she can get a loan,"

"Damn," Everyone comes here, the food is fantastic. It's hard to believe she is in money trouble.

He takes the fries out of the grease and then places them in a paper container, "Here, take this to the table with the thin girls,"

"Uhm, that's like every table out there,"

"You're right, well uh, I think it was table 5," he hands me the two orders of fries.

I walk from out of the kitchen back into the lively dinner. "Here you go," I place the order of fries on the table. They continue talking, no surprise that they don't thank me, they probably don't even see me right here. I turn around.

"Excuse me!" Matt yells. He waves me over; I look around, trying to find their waiter. I made sure Paul took the table Ryder and the rest of them were at. Where the hell did he go? Damnit.

I slowly walk over to their table; Ashley is sitting on Ryder's lap, playing in his hair while keeping her eyes on me.

"Honestly, Jayda, that skirt does wonders for your ass," he says.

"Honestly, Matt, the black around your eye really complements the busted lip," I counter; his jaw clenches.

I heard a rumor once that his father hits him; I don't know how true it is, but the bruises he always has sort of makes me believe it isn't just a rumor.

"Something is different about you. I just can't put my finger on it," he states.

I roll my eyes again, "Again, do you need something?!"

Ashley says, "No, we don't, you can go, don't you have like a bathroom to clean,"

My lips press in a straight line; I take a deep breath, and then I head over to the booth in the far back, "I'm so glad you're here,"

Jessica smiles. "You should be happy I like you; we are literally in the belly of the beast; everyone who hates us is here," she says. I laugh. "Okay, so the brother, did you find out where he's at?"

"No,"

"I knew you wouldn't; that's why I called Evelyn to get his number,"

My mouth drops open, "What?!"

"He's coming here to talk to you," she says nonchalantly.

"I can't talk to him, not here. I can't just come out and accuse him of having something to do with AJ's death,"

She nods, "Your right. You can't, so you better figure out something because he's right there,"

I turn around and spot him walking towards us. "Jess-" When I turn back around, she's gone and walking over to the bar seats.

"Jayda, right?" Jacob takes a seat across from me.

"Yeah,"

He looks around, "So all for this for my brother?"

"Mhm," Still can't believe they are brothers. They do look just alike, the chiseled jaw, the dark hair, the muscular form. The only difference is his eyes are brown, not green. He gets it from Evelyn; her eyes are brown. Ryder gets the green from Josiah.

He leans forward, placing his arms on the table, "So what is it you wanted to meet about?"

"Uhm, I know I don't really know you like that, and this may come off as weird, but Uhm, me and my friend, are doing our senior project. More like a report on the lacrosse players at school," Okay, I'm off to a good start, I think. "You used to play lacrosse, right?" That's what Ryder said.

He nods, "So you want to do a report on me?"

"Uhhh, Yes," Wait, where am I going with this?

"Okay, sure. Anything for my brother's girlfriend," he smirks.

"Not his girlfriend, but okay. Where can I find you? Are you staying with your parents?"

"God no," he says like that was an absurd thing to ask. "The motel," There's only one motel in town, so I know what he is talking about. "1A,"

"1A," I repeat. "I'll come past Friday," Since I had my appointment today, Rachel said we would meet next Friday. "4 o'clock,"

"Well, I look forward-"

Ryder walks up beside us, causing him to stop, "What are you doing here?" he asks, and then slides in on my side; I move over close to the wall.

"Talking to Jayda,"

"Don't fucking talk to her!" he says.

"Careful brother, a little possessive, don't you think?"

They stare at one another, not backing down. Jacob stares at him in a controlling manner, but Ryder continues staring, not showing any sign of fear. Jacob breaks the serious gaze and looks at me, "I'll see you Friday, Jayda,"

He stands up from the booth and walks away and out of the diner. I stand up even though I can't move from the booth because he's blocking the exit. He pulls me back down, "Why will he see you Friday?" he asks.

"I don't know,"

He narrows his eyes. "You're lying!"

"Maybe I am, maybe I'm not," I tilt my head and smile.

He bawls his fist and hits the table, causing the salt and pepper shakers to fall over, "Damn it, Jayda, you can't go see him!" he shouts.

People with ADHD are aggressive, short-tempered.

"He's a bad person! You shouldn't be around him," he keeps his hand on the table, stopping me. "If you think he is a nice guy, then your stupid. He's pretending to be someone he is not,"

"And you aren't doing the same thing? You sit around with everyone, your "friends," pretending to be like like them but you know you are not like them not,"

"I-"

"You're nothing like them. You say and do awful things to people and to me; but the difference between you and them is that you actually care, no matter how hard you try to make me and everyone else think that you don't, I know you do,"

He continues looking at me, not moving out the way. I can't wait anymore after saying all that I need to go; I slide under the table and crawl out; desperate times cause for desperate measures.

Ryder POV

She walks into the bathroom. I place my hand on my forehead. Shit.

"Well, now that you are finished with that, you can come back over with us," Ashley says, placing her hand on my shoulder. "Ryder,"

I look up at her, the girl that controls my life, that holds everything I ever did over my head. "I'm done,"

"What do you mean you're done?"

"All of this," I throw my hands in the air, "I'm over it,"

"But you-"

"You can tell them whatever you want; you can tell Jayda whatever the fuck you want, I don't care,"

"Ryder," she snaps.

I sigh and stand up, "Ashley, you enjoy it. You need all of this more than me; I actually feel bad for you because its almost over,"

"We are your friends; you can't just walk away from us, you can't walk away from me, we have been in this shit since the beginning,"

"And I'm done; what the fuck are you not getting?" I shout and then turn around, walking away.

"You say that shit now, but you always come back!" she yells.

I stand at the door with my hand placed on it; everyone is looking at me, waiting for me to turn back around, but I won't. "Not this time!"

When I arrive home, I find my mom sitting on the couch, wine glass in one hand, magazine in the other, "Ryder, is that you?"

"Yeah," I place my keys in my pocket.

"Come here, would you? I want to hear all about your party." I walk into the living room and sit on the white couch. "So, how was it?"

"Well, the fact that I left early tells you that it was shit,"

"Language," she corrects me. "Now, what made it shit?"

I smile, and she laughs. "Was Jayda there?" she asks with a smile,

Ugh, she's always asking about her. "Yes, she was, but not for the party,"

"Oh," she takes a sip of her wine, "Did you speak to her?"

"Yes,"

"Nicely?" I rub the back of my head, "Oh Ryder," she sighs, "How do you expect her to love you back if you treat her meanly?"

"What?" How did she-

"A mother knows," she answers. "I've always known; You look at her the same way you looked at her when you two were little. Your father was oblivious until the day in the kitchen when she was here; he saw the way you were looking at her,"

I tell her. "I ended things with Ashley," We were never really together, so I can't say we broke up. I just ended whatever it was I had with her. Honestly, I have no idea how this thing between her and me even started.

I was captain of the football team, and she was the head cheerleader. It was sort of inevitable for us to end up together; that's how it always goes, right?

"For good?"

"Yes,"

"So, now what? Are you and Jayda going to be together?"

I shake my head, "No, she doesn't feel the way I do; she probably never will," Especially after all the shit I said to her last week, not to mention all the shit I put her through this year. "I've done a lot of bad things, mom," Things I will always hate myself for. Things Jayda would hate me for if she found out.

She sighs and sits her wine glass on the table; she walks over, sits right beside me on the couch; she takes my hands and says while still looking at me, "You are nothing like your brother,"

I turn away; I knew she was going to say that. She's said this before; no matter how many times she says it, I will never believe it. Every time I look in the mirror, all I see is him and what he created.

"I'm sorry your father and I were not around much when you were younger; I'm sorry that you had to go through the things he put you through,"

The things I have locked away in the back of my mind. I will never open that door to that part of my life again.

Him being here in town pisses me off. Him talking to Jayda makes me want to kill him literally.

Why the fuck is he even here? Especially now, it's been almost ten years, and now all of a sudden, he comes back, trying to make things right.

"Do not punish yourself for the things you have done in the past. Be different, be better,"

"How?" If I could better, I would; I don't want to live like this; I don't want my life to go a fucking circle. I want to progress; I want to grow.

"I can't tell you that honey, Do what you feel is best, do what you think is right,"

She stands up from the couch and grabs her wine glass, "I'm going to turn in early," she heads for the stairs and then turns back around, "Maybe you can start off by telling Jayda the truth about what you are going through, let her in. I know we have kept it a secret from everyone, but if you want to tell her, you should. She will under-"

"No! I don't want her to know,"

She gives me a sympathetic smile and then walks up the stairs.

Jayda POV

The next day at school, I find myself walking down the empty hallway late to my next class; I was in the library reading, as always, I got lost in the book.

Shoes squeak from behind me, and then a hand grabs mines, "Come here,"

"Ryder," He pulls me into one of the janitor's closets; it's dark until he pulls the string above us and turns on a light. "What are you doing?" I ask. The closet is filled with brooms and other cleaning supplies; it smells like Clorox.

I try to turn around and leave out, but he pulls me back and turns me around, pressing me up against the other wall far from the door.

He looks at me and says, "I'm sorry about last week; I didn't mean to say it; it just came out; I'm so sorry, I swear I didn't mean any of it,"

"I know," All I can think about is that bingo ball example Rachel told me yesterday. He's impulsive. I know that. He's going to say alot of things that he doesn't mean. This thing is a constant fucking cycle with him.

He's taken back, "You know?"

"Yes, I know you didn't mean it, but you still said it," I won't excuse him for what he does to me just because he has ADHD. I have learned alot from Rachel, but the one thing that she has taught me that I remind myself every day of is that having a mental disorder isn't an excuse for the things we do. We can't lean on it like a crutch.

"I know, and I'm fucking sorry," he says. "Unlike past times, I'm going to show you; I'm going to change,"

There's something different this time. My eyes could be tricking me, showing me something that isn't there, something I want to be there but is only a figment of my imagination. But I don't know. It's something within his eyes and the way he is looking at me. He seems genuine.

"Why now?" I ask.

"All this time, I've been holding on to something that is slipping away, something that will be over in a matter of six fucking months," he explains, talking about how his reign as 'king' in this school will be over because we will be graduating soon. "I'm done with Ashely and being put on this pedestal here; I don't want it anymore, any of it,"

"You say that now, but you always go back," Yesterday at the diner, I heard what happened. I saw him walk away from Ashley and them; I didn't think he was serious. But the way he seems eager right now to try makes me believe him, but I have been wrong before.

He steps closer to me, "You're right. I always go back; it's a fucking cycle for me. I am comfortable with them; I'm comfortable being in control of everything here; I've been the bad guy for years, but I don't want to be the person everyone hates, I don't want to be the person you hate,"

He softly brings his hand to my face; I don't move my body freezes; he says, "You must be willing to give up what you are to become what you want to be,"

He quotes Orrin Woodward. I can't help but smile and laugh, "Is that the poem for the week in Brookes class?"

He shrugs, "Maybe,"

We both burst into laughter; his hand is still on the side of my face; I sigh and then grab his hand, removing it from my cheek. I meant it when I said I didn't love him. I don't.

I can't even think about him in that way right now because I have a plan, a plan to find myself by myself. He needs to do the exact same thing, but without me.

"I can't be the reason for you doing this,"

He smiles and says, "Trust me, you're not,"

Interestingly enough, I am not offended by that statement; I'm ecstatic that he said that.

"Unlike any book you have ever read, I'm not changing myself to be better for the girl; I'm doing it because I want to be a better person for myself,"

"Well, I am glad to hear that," I really am.

He leans in and whispers in my ear, "You falling in love with my better self is just an added bonus,"

My body shivers; I turn my head away from him; he smiles, knowing exactly what he is doing. Ryder walks towards the door, getting ready to leave out but before he does, he turns around and says,

"Oh and Jayda,"

"Yes,"

"Don't touch my shit. Next time you need a condom, just ask,"

~~~

(Am I the only one who has never climbed a rope in gym class? I feel like that's a TV show thing like I have only heard of climbing a rope in gym class on TV lmao!)