The next day at school, I find myself sitting in Ms. Rodriguez's office, waiting for her to input my community service hours into the system. "Done," she then clicks the enter button. "50 done 50 more to go,"

"Yup,"

"How is Ryder?" she asks me.

"Uh, he's okay. As okay as he can be,"

She looks at me with understanding eyes, "Have you spoken to the cops recently? Did they ever find the person who shot him?"

I shake my head, "No, they haven't found him yet. The investigation is still open; the last time I talked to them was the day after I left the hospital. They stopped past the house," They asked me question after question, and I told them lie after lie, "They said if they had any more questions, they would reach out to me again," I'm so happy they haven't. Talking to them made my anxiety shoot through the roof. I just knew they would find out I was lying and somehow connect me to Travis and the dealership but surprisingly, they haven't.

"Well, I hope they catch him; I'm sure this town would be a lot safer knowing he's behind bars," I don't say anything; I just give her a small smile. "So I know that we kind of went ten steps back with the college plan because of the whole NYU thing,"

Just thinking about what my father did not only makes me sick, it makes me want to burst into tears.

"We need a plan B. You're so far behind in applications. Most of them close at the end of the month." she informs me. "We need to get you applied somewhere before we go on break,"

I scratch my head and say, "I'm uh, I'm not going to go to college,"

She's taken back by my words, "Why not?"

I shrug my shoulders, "I don't think it's for me,"

She tilts her head to the side, "NYU was for you; you wanted to go there. Now all of a sudden, college isn't for you," her eyes search mine trying to find answers, "What's really going on?"

I take a deep breath, "I can't afford college,"

She almost laughs at my words, "You Jayda King, daughter to a millionaire businessman and a well-known Lawyer,"

I twitch as irritation invades me. "No, me, Jayda! My parents have money. But I have nothing to my name, a trust fund maybe, but a trust fund with their money, a trust fund I have no intention of using,"

She nods her head slowly, understanding, "I see, so you want to go to college, but you want to do it independently? Without your parent's help?"

"Yes,"

"I can help you with that," she says with a huge smile; the bell then rings, signaling that it's time for lunch. "Come see me Friday,"

"Okay," I stand from the chair and then walk out of the room.

...

While standing in the lunch line, I search the cafeteria for Jessica; I haven't seen her all day. "How's the boyfriend?" Ashley comes up behind me and asks.

I grab one of the red trays and say, "Caleb?" I slowly walk forward as the line moves.

"Who did you think I was talking about?" she says with a sly smile.

Damnit. "What do you want, Ashely?" I ask, annoyed.

"You know I saw him yesterday; he was at the movies," she says. "Him and his friends. Some girls were there too; it was an even number, so I'm sure they were paired up," she lightly chuckles.

I place my tray on the counter and turn to her, "I don't care. How do I even know you're telling the truth?"

She bites her bottom lip and then smiles, "What would I get out of seeing you two break up?" she asks. "If anything, I need him to keep you occupied. The more time you're with him, the less time you will spend with Ryder," she looks me up and down, "If you don't believe me ask him yourself," she then grabs one of the apples in the bowl and walks away over to her seat.

She's lying; I know she is. Even if he were at the movies with his friends, and some of those friends were female, that doesn't mean anything.

Does it?

...

"So, how are you feeling today?" Rachel asks me.

"Okay, I guess,"

"Here we go with the 'okays'" she rolls her eyes. "Have you been feeling depressed, anxious, worried? Talk to me,"

I sigh, "Anxious and worried," I answer honestly; there's really no point in me lying to her; she can read minds, so me lying is just a waste of time.

"You haven't been depressed?"

"I've been to busy to be depressed,"

She nods her head, "That's understandable. Being busy can help you manage your depression (somewhat) because time seems to move more quickly when you are active and engaged in an activity." she explains. "When you are busy, you don't have time to dwell on the negativity,"

"So me being busy is a good thing?" This makes sense; never in my seventeen years of life have I ever been this busy and occupied as I am now. And never in my teenage years have I felt not extremely depressed.

"Well, being busy will not cure your depression. Depression cannot be cured by distraction, it can help to make us feel better temporarily in the moment, but that's about it."

"So I still have depression?" I sigh.

"You'll always have depression; you know this, I think maybe you haven't been feeling depressed because you have been consumed in other people's lives," she states. "First with Ryder and then this project with a budding mystery, your first relationship seems to be hanging by a thread right now and now your mom's pregnancy, you have a lot going on,"

My anxiety heightens with just the mention of all these things.

"Since the shooting, have you taken time for yourself?"

"No. You know what happens when I am alone with my thoughts,"

"Jayda, that only happens when you have negative thoughts. When you take your mind off of the negative, you move toward a better place, a better state of mind, "

I look down at my fingers and start to pick at the ripped skin; she's right. I hate it when she's right.

"You need something for yourself. Have you been writing?"

"Yeah, in my--"

She cuts me off, "Not in the journal. I'm talking about writing in general just doing what you love,"

"I don't really like writing anymore,"

She hesitates and then says, "That's okay; what else do you like to do just because?"

It takes me a minute to think of something, "Reading, though I haven't had time to read anything, I've been-"

"Busy," she finishes my sentence. "Okay, well do that, take one day this week to just read something, not for school, or an assignment just for you,"

"Okay,"

"Something other than Hamlet," she smiles, proud of her joke.

...

"So my appointment is Saturday at twelve," my mother says from across the table.

"12? I have a meeting," my father informs us.

Through pressed lips, my mothers says, "I know, I wasn't talking to you; I was talking to Jayda,"

I choke on my water, trying to keep my laugh in; my father shoots me a glance. He looks down at his phone, "I have a call to get on, excuse me," he stands from the table and walks down the hall to his office, closing the door.

"So did you stop pass the Adams today?" she asks,

"No."

"It's Wednesday; I thought you go over there after your appointment,"

"Yeah, I usually do, but uhm, I decided not to go today. I think I need to give them their space,"

She looks at me, side-eyed, "Was this your idea or Caleb's?"

How does she-

"A mother knows," she says, answering my thoughts. "So?"

"It was partially Caleb's. He doesn't like me going over there."

She takes a sip of her water and then asks, "Why?"

"He and Ryder don't like each other, something about Ryder dating his sister before,"

"His twin sister? The one that died?"

"Yeah, and yesterday he mentioned something about Ryder being entitled to me; he has this weird idea that Ryder likes me or that I like him and that I'm going to leave him for Ryder," I ramble, throwing out every thought Caleb has had, at least everyone he has had and shared with me.

She comes out and asks, "Do you like Ryder?"

I scrunch my face and quickly say, "No,"

"Well, you shouldn't work yourself up over it. Caleb can work himself up all he wants. Even though he doesn't believe it, you know how you feel about him, so if you have no feelings for Ryder, then it shouldn't matter what Caleb thinks; you know for sure you like Caleb, and that's that," she shrugs her shoulders and then takes about of her food.

I roll my eyes. "Ugh, you're doing that mom thing?"

She laughs. "What mom thing?"

"The thing where you tell me what I want to hear when you think something entirely different,"

She shrugs her shoulders, "I don't know anything," she says, and then she takes a sip of her water; I spot her smiling behind the cup.

I'm in my bedroom surfing through the books I had under my bed. I flip through the worn-out Hunger games. I've read this over a hundred times. Definitely a classic.

I then pick up Divergent; I have a love-hate relationship with this series; the first book was great. The first movie was actually pretty good. But the second book was confusing, and the second movie was confusing. Even though this book came out years ago, I have yet to finish reading the third one, Allegiant. Just like I have yet to see the third movie. From what I have heard, it was terrible, so I doubt I will ever watch it.

The next book I pull out from under my bed is The Hate You Give. I actually haven't read it. I remember buying it because I loved the movie, but I never got around to reading it.

I stand up and kick the other books back under my bed. I think I will read this.

Before I can even get cozy on my bed, my phone rings; when I look at the caller ID, it's Ryder. He's calling; I stare at the name for a few seconds before answering, "Hello,"

"My mom said uh, she doesn't need you to tutor me anymore; she's going to hire a professional,"

"What?"

"I said-"

"I heard what you said," I snap; I can't believe this, I thought Evelyn liked me coming over there. I guess I was wrong. "Okay, well, I can drop your work off tomorrow, I guess,"

"No," he says harshly. "She's going to pick it up,"

"Oh, uhm-"

"I have to go," the phone clicks and then hangs up.

I can't believe this; I basically just got fired. If Evelyn didn't want me coming over anymore, she could've just told me. Now, what am I going to do for community service? What am I going to do about Ryder?

I'm not going to see him for a long time, that is until he comes back to school, which I highly doubt will be anytime soon. Well, I could always stop past to check in on him, I know he'll hate that, but I don't care.

I decide to call Caleb and tell him that I will no longer have to tutor Ryder. He will be ecstatic. Maybe now we can go back to how we were. The phone picks up "Hello,"

"Hey," he says, not sounding pleased to hear from me.

"What are you doing?" I ask cheerfully, hoping that his mood will lighten.

He simply replies, "Nothing,"

"Oh, well uh, I just wanted to tell you that I am no longer tutoring Ryder,"

"Oh," he says, stealing my line.

"His mom wants someone else to tutor him, so yeah. It looks like I'll be needing to find something else to do to get my hours,"

He then says, "So you didn't stop doing on your own behalf? You did it because you got fired,"

I sigh, "So are you not happy?"

"No, I'm not; if his mother would've never wanted someone else to tutor him, you would've continued to do it, even though you know how I feel about you being around him,"

"Yes, I would've."

"I thought so," he spits.

"But I would've done it because I know that there's nothing going on between him and me. There will never be anything between him and me," I say firmly, trying to get him to believe me. "I love you, Caleb. I don't know what more I have to do you get you to believe me," my voice cracks as I finish talking.

"I'm sorry,"

"What?"

"I'm sorry. I've been treating you shit because of my own problems with him. I don't trust him, but I do trust you," When he says the words, it finally feels like I can breathe again. "If you say that nothing is going on between you two, then I believe you,"

I'm so happy he isn't here to see the stupid grin plastered on my face.

~~~

(Ms. Rodriguez- Justina Machado *aka Brenda from queen of the south... she's played in so many other things but that's where I know her from)