Want to know a secret? A really deep, dark secret that no one will ever admit to?

Love can be pain. Love can be joy. Love can be anything you want it to be.

No one ever told me. I found out the hard way. I wished I knew that back before everything happened. Like that saying: "If only I knew then what I know now." I wish I had known how everything would turn out so that I could know where it went wrong and make sure it went right from the very start.

Then again, I wouldn't want to trade any of these scars for the easy way through. Why? Because all of them led me here. Here, to a flowing white gown, beautiful flowers, and the potential for a lifetime of happiness with someone I care for beyond anything I thought I could feel. 

I used to think that love was something unattainable for me. He changed my mind, slowly but surely. He convinced me that love is for everyone and there truly was someone for me. 

Nerves wracked my body in the best way possible as I took a few steadying breaths. Who knew that today I would be covered in white, holding flowers, and getting ready for possibly the biggest, easiest decision I'd ever made?

I watched as the single bridesmaid and groomsman walked down the aisle, making sure to keep myself hidden. He hadn't seen my dress just yet and I wanted to surprise him. It was flowy with long belled sleeves that trailed material from the bouquet I held to my thighs. The sweetheart neckline wasn't too revealing, and was lined with glass gems. There wasn't much of a train, but I was fine with that. I'd never understood that, anyway. 

The music changed and my heart lurched. It was time. The doors closed and I positioned myself in front of them. The wedding planner I'd hired smoothed out my dress and made sure the sleeves were hanging properly. Hinges creaked loudly as I was revealed to the gathering. There were whispers as I took my first steps. People were looking at each other and smiling, but they meant nothing in comparison to the way Eric glowed at the end of the aisle. 

His face could have lit the entire town for a year. It was the happiest I'd ever seen him. As I approached, it made me feel like we were the only two people there. Everyone else was drowned out and I couldn't see them until we had to face forward. 

During the ceremony, I couldn't wait for us to get to my favorite part: being introduced as man and wife. 

Finally, finally, we were told to kiss. As someone who had never kissed someone in front of my parents or friends, I was embarrassed as our lips met. Yet, despite that, the feeling of his lips on mine drove away all thoughts of everyone else and, for just a moment, we were the only people in the building all over again. 

Then came the words I felt like I'd been waiting my whole life for: "I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Eric White."

The thrill that went through me at those words was unlike anything else I'd ever felt before. I couldn't help the smile that erupted. We turned towards the crowd and I couldn't help waving at my parents. Dad was blinking back tears, and Mom was dabbing at her eyes. I looked at Eric's parents. His dad looked proud and so did his mom.

We walked back up the aisle together, followed by our wedding party. We walked into the back room where I'd gotten ready and almost immediately his lips were on mine. The kiss was greedy but it echoed the same love I felt for him. He pulled away after a couple of moments and I tried to chase his lips, but he held me back with a soft chuckle. 

"They need us out there," he whispered.

"I can't believe we just did that," I said, beginning to laugh.

"The wedding or the kiss?"

"Both." I laughed some more and threw my arms around him. "We're married," I said, awe coloring my words. It was so hard to believe. I pulled back almost right away and threw the door open. Just outside was a whole slew of people. I wanted to close the door and just stay in the room, alone with the comforting presence of my now-husband. 

Still, I knew that wasn't an option, so I walked out into the crowd. People began congratulating me and Eric, hugging us and shaking hands and laughing and talking. It was overwhelming. I was ready to go by the time the photographer took his pictures and we were getting into our car. I was ready to just leave already and stop being surrounded by people. I wanted to be alone, just myself, for a few minutes. 

The whole day was just overwhelming.

Before I could fulfill that wish, however, I had a reception to attend. 

I was excited to see it. His aunt and cousin were putting it together since our families had both wanted to have a hand in everything that happened. What I had seen the day before had looked amazing. 

Now, though, it was evening and growing dark. The lights were beginning to show up better and the place was taking on a glow that filled me with warmth. I could see it from the car as we pulled in, but nothing was as breathtaking as it looked up close.

My heart was racing as we walked in. Everyone was looking at us. I had expected it, but expecting it and experiencing it are two different things. 

"Now presenting, Mr. and Mrs. Eric White," boomed our MC's voice. Everyone applauded. 

Eric waved at them, grinning from ear to ear. We stood at the front of the room, hand in hand, and waited while the man welcomed everyone, and then invited them to eat dinner.  Once that was done, we sat at the head table with the rest of our wedding party. 

"Want me to get you something to eat?" Eric asked once I was seated. 

"Sure. Thank you." I watched him walk away before turning to my bridesmaid. "What do you think?"

Melissa grinned at me. "I think you're beautiful today, and so was the ceremony. I also think you got the catch of the decade."

I returned her smile. "Thank you, but I meant the reception." 

"Oh." We giggled. "It's beautiful. It's very you."

"Thanks, I think." A plate of food appeared in front of me. I looked at it as Eric sat next to me with his own. Everything looked good. Nothing was catered - our friends and family had cooked everything. We didn't even taste test anything. We knew that whatever they made would be good. 

Once we had eaten and most of the guests had as well, the DJ announced that it was time for the first dance. I took a deep breath and stood with Eric. We'd rehearsed this a few times, but I was still worried I'd mess up. 

We walked to the dance floor and took our positions. The music started and we began to slow dance to At Last by Etta James. My eyes met Eric's and suddenly we were the only people in the room all over again. 

Eric has asked me what song I wanted to have as our first dance, and it was no contest for me. This was the only one that made me think so much of him and the road we'd taken to get here. It felt right in ways no other song had. 

At last, I'd found someone for myself. Someone to help heal over the scars in my heart. Someone to ease the loneliness.

At last, I had someone to call mine. Someone that was like a dream come to life. A dream that was smiling back at me.

I was positive in that moment that I'd never forget this day as long as I live. For this moment, it was all worth it. All of the eyes on me, all of the attention that I was uncomfortable with having. It was all worth it. 

He clumsily spun me and I couldn't help the laugh that bubbled up, followed suit by people watching us. All too soon, though, the song ended and the moment was over. All of the eyes came rushing back to me. I was hyper-aware of all the attention being paid to me as I stood and waited for my dad to swap places with my husband.

Husband.

I felt a thrill go through me at the thought.

Dad took my hand in his and the music started. We began dancing to I Loved Her First by Heartland and already I could see him tearing up. In his eyes were the same words he'd told me the night before.

"I love you," he'd said. "You're always going to be my little girl. Tomorrow I'll be giving away a woman, but you'll always be my little girl." He sniffled before continuing. "I still remember the nurse bringing you into the room wrapped in a little pink blanket and getting to hold you. You will never know how much your mother and I love you."

I began tearing up as I remembered that moment. Dad twirled me in a much more practiced motion than Eric had, ending the song.

The rest of the reception, including the cake cutting, seemed to pass by in a whirlwind of emotions, tears, and congratulations. 

Looking back on everything that happened, I don't regret what once was and am very thankful for what is. I managed to stay whole despite my heart being broken. Eric, though, helped repair that heart. I am endlessly grateful that I took a chance on him. I only wish I could have seen everything that would happen before it did. 

Then again, I wouldn't be who I am today if that had happened. So I guess, in a way, I'm grateful for what is and what once was.

---

Word Count: 1679