AUTHOR'S NOTE

This chapter has many disgusting things (at least for me).

IF you don't accept my views or something, Understand that I didn't mean to hurt you.

This is just my view.

October 2th is Gandhi ' s birthday. Happy Gandhi Jeyandhi guys.

He was the only leader in world who didn't come to power after winning a revolt. He made another person person lead the country after independence.
Question of the chapter:

How do you think sex should be?

(If you don't answer this question, I will understand. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable)

******

9) OH MY GOD! I CURSED!

ADDAR'S POV

I was sitting in my room. Why does world do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? I just wanted to a kiss a girl.

Why do I have to be the loyal husband? No one is like that now. This is why I am nobody in the world. My life is a mess.

I was madly in love with a girl. She just thrashed me with her words.

I was not merely insulted. I knew that she would change my life, but I thought it would be a good change. I never thought it would be this.

Maybe I shouldn't have loved her. Maybe I should not be thinking about her words, but SHE IS CATHERINE.

If she can't love me then who will love me? If I am not worth loving for her then who will accept me?My life has always been a mess.

I just remembered the scene outside. That was the last night in my dorm. Everyone was enjoying themselves. We had an open auditorium in our dorm. It was very isolated. It is night, so no can see the students there. They were dancing in the auditorium. I could hear the loud music. I remembered the first year in the dorm. They called us to the unofficial event.

Every boy was dancing in boxers and underwear.

Did they come in underwear and boxers? NO. They will start their dance fully dressed, but as time goes, they remove their clothes. Just like a Bollywood heroine.

Heroines do that to attract boys in movies, then why do these boys do that. Who knows why these stupid guys do what they do?

They are not gay. They think it is comical, but for me it is disgusting. They don't invite me nowadays. They think I will vomit. Who knows I might.

Every year I heard some Bollywood item songs. I didn't want to imagine who was dancing or how he was.

I just wanted to shout, "Why do you think I am different? Why do you guys make me feel alone?" But who was going to hear me? I am just a Human in this world. Humans are not allowed to live in this world.

I suddenly heard the door open and saw Sri coming inside. His face was drenched in sweat. He was breathing hard due to running two floors. We were on the top floor. This is a dorm for boys. Girls have a separate dorm. He was trying to say something. His heavy breathing made it hard. He was saying something about me and a phone. I asked him to cool down. It might be something important as he ran to me like a tiger was chasing him.

"I need your mobile phone." He said after a moment. Did he run like this to get my mobile phone? He was whispering something about the song and his immediate need.

"What happened? Why can't you use yours?"

I didn't understand what his immediate need was. I was clearly confused. He replied, "I use a BSNL card." BSNL is an Indian Government company, but what is the problem with it. "What is the problem with them except they don't give exciting offers for new customers?"

That is the problem with these Government companies. They don't try anything new. They don't care about what they have. They don't want to expand and all.

He replied with a shocked face, "Did you see the news or not?" He has never been someone who was into reading news. What is this important news which made even him read it?

I asked him "What is the news?" He face palmed and said, "Government has banned the porn sites in India."

Wow! This is the most important news of the pre-independence India. I can't believe these people, but still one thing was missing.

"Then why did you ask for mine?" He replied immediately with an irritated expression

"Because I want to watch it, and I need your phone as the ban is for only selected companies in which BSNL is included."

I don't understand. If you want to ban it, why do it partially. They could have banned them completely.

Are they trying to do it for name sake?

I gave him mine. He was trying to get into the site. That is when I said the words, "I WANT TO WATCH PORN TOO."

Sri watched me with a where-am-I expression. He said after some awkward minutes. "They poured beer into my ears so I am hearing weird things. I even thought I heard you saying something."

He went back to the site. I said after a minute. "I really said it."
"Did you really say you want to watch this?" He pointed to his phone. I nodded. He opened his mouth for a moment and closed it.

He stood up, sat beside me, and asked, "What happened buddy?"

Believe me no one did that to me. He called me buddy with concern. He has teased me, but never hurt me.

I cried and hugged him. Many think it is awkward for a boy to hug a boy. Actually it has nothing to do with gender. A hug gives us a feeling of comfort and safety. I needed it. Hugs are not girly or boyish; they are just human nature. Humans want to feel protected.

Who will reject a chance to get someone comfort and protection in a bad time?

I told him everything. He was shocked when I said I loved Catherine. He had an angry expression. "Do you know the rumour or not?" What rumour is he talking about? I am not a guy who listens to rumours. All those rumours are Idiotic. When I didn't answer he continued.

"Catherine is secretly in love with Ravichandran. They hang out during nights." I didn't know what to say. I knew that she could love as she clearly said that she doesn't love me.

She said more than just that, but how could she love Ravichandran. There are lot of guys, but it had to be him.

Sri continued, "I don't know why they hang out only at night or what they do when they are together."

I asked him the most important question I had on my mind. "She is too innocent. How she could love him?"

Sri showed a face full of confusion, and asked, "Why do you think she is innocent?"

I answered, "Because she doesn't know he is a bad boy." He is the worst boy in the college. He is the reason for many abortions in the college. They say that his abortion cases goes beyond this college too.

I can't believe Catherine is innocent enough to love him. I think love is not in his DNA itself. He is the most egoistic boy. He drinks and smokes. People say he uses drugs inside college even. He has been caught under the influence of the drugs in the college, but no one could do anything.

Sri had a hand on my shoulder, and looked at me with pity. He said, "She is not innocent. This is the trend now. Every Girl wants to marry a Bad Boy. They think it is a challenge or something. They need to make them fall in love."

Why would a girl want that? I remembered the books I read. They all have a nerd girl falling for a bad boy. I remembered what Sri said that day. He hinted it.

Yes, the nerd boys are dumped for bad boys. I don't understand the logic in this.

"What did she say Addar?"

"She said she needs someone like Shah Rukh Khan. I didn't know what to answer."

"All girls say this. If they want a Shah Rukh Khan then they should look like a Kajol. They don't even have half of her cuteness. Only a Girl beautiful as a Kajol will get a Shah Rukh Khan."

I smiled to his words. I really want to kill all these actors. They are making it tough for these ordinary guys.

He continued, "Do we guys ask girls to be like Kajol, Deepika or Alia. I didn't ask my queen Sunny Leone even."

I glared at him but he had a point. Girls always want the best, but boys always accept what comes in their way.

"She also said about... being...a man...and" He interrupted me and said "WHAT THE FU*K! DID SHE REALLY SAY IT?"

I mentally thanked him for understanding it in half sentence. "She said it in front of whole canteen."

He said something under his breath. I think he cursed her. I told him everything that happened next.

When I was talking about the incident with the principal, he paused and watched his phone. I looked at the surroundings. The place was empty just like my world. No one was there to see me or hear me. Sri was the first one to come inside it. The light was dim in the hallway like my mind is now.

I am seeing the negative things in everything I see, but what is positive in me?

I am the guy everyone hates. I am the guy who is bullied by everyone. Nothing is good about me. I am an idiot. I am a fool and an outcast in this world.

After two minutes, he asked me "You want to know EVERYTHING ABOUT S*X?" He asked me to make sure of it. I nodded my head. A smile came to his face.

"Do you know the best way to learn about s*x?" he asked. I am the topper and he is talking about learning to me. I think he is the clever one here.

I answered, "Practical ways like experiencing or seeing someone experiencing is the best way to learn."

I tried to avoid using that word.

He had a smile on his face "NO Nerd! These ways are suitable for other things but for s*x, it is the opposite. If you go straight to experience, you will be scared to dead. The best way to learn about s*x is reading. That will teach you a lot."

I know what he is feeling. He was always told by everyone that I am more intelligent than him. That is why he enjoys teaching me, and saying that I am wrong. That is always a good feeling to tell people who are always correct that they are wrong now.

I asked him, "Do you want me to read Kamasutra?" That literature has always been a rejected one in my library. It is a book about s*x.
He answered with a smile which meant I am again wrong. "Not the old one. We have a new age Kamasutra."

He went to his book rack which was mostly empty. He took a book and looked with pride like a bestselling author will look at his book. I bet there is a half-naked or may be a fully naked girl on the cover.

When I first introduced him to wattpad, he added many books. I was impressed with his eagerness, but I found a common thing in every book.

Every book had a half-naked girl as cover.

Oh God! What will I do if he shows a girl like that? With each step he took towards me, my eyes were trying to bulge out, as I didn't want to see the photo. He gave me the book. I didn't look at the cover at all. He was watching me so after a hesitation I looked at the book in my hands.

The cover was a mask. I read the name.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY.

"Read this. You will understand everything"

He air quoted everything and went outside. I started reading it. The more and more I read it, I found out one thing. The book was not about love or not even s*x.

The book is about sexual abuse. The male lead of the book hits the girl hard on many parts. He was torturing her. In my words, he is a sadist. He likes to see her in pain and expectation for him.

OH MY GOD, HE IS BEATING HER ON HER BUTT... Oh my God... HE IS DOING THINGS WITH CLIPS LIKE AN ANIMAL. YOU CAN'T DO EXPERIMENTS ON ANIMAL EVEN NOWADAYS.

I reached the saturation point. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran to the rest room and puked. Is this what s*x is nowadays?

Sri came and saw me. I said to him with angry face, "Do you want me to sexually abuse someone? This is the worst I heard in my life."

"Don't you understand it? She did all that for him? Sh-"

I interrupted him and said, "What did the boy do for her? Why should the girl always give us? You always ask the girls to give you? This is bad. You have to see the girl's feeling too."

"What the fu*k do you think s*x is about? You know nothing about it."

"I KNOW THAT IT IS NOT A PLACE TO PROVE MAN IS STRONGER THAN WOMAN. IT IS PLACE TO FULFILL WHAT YOUR PARTNER WANTS. NOT A PLACE TO USE YOUR PARTNER FOR YOUR HAPPINESS, BUT MAKE BOTH OF YOU HAPPY"

He was silent for a minute than he composed himself and said, "Stop thinking like this and start thinking like a MAN. Stop this concern for girls. They will be fine."

"What the hell are you saying? Will you at least care for your mother or sister?"

"First say fu*k"

"What?"

"Why do you say hell... say the word fu*K"

"Is that important?"

"Yes"

"Fu... fac...fug..."

He face palmed and said "It is f...u...c...k... Do you get it?"

I know the spelling idiot. I watched him and said "fu*k" I know it too.

OH MY GOD! I CURSED! DID I REALLY DO IT?

I saw him for a moment. He saw my uneasy mind like a crystal ball. He said "There are two kinds of people in the world. Do you know them?"

"Good and Bad?"

"NO! King and slave. You have to be the king and rule the slave or be a slave to king. You have to be dominant in this world or be submissive. You can't ask for equality in this world."

I was speechless for a second. What did I get for treating girls equally? They tried to dominate me. Girls can dominate too.

He continued after a minute, "These girls are indirectly asking for dominance. If you give them equality, they will become dominant. We are all at war and the dominant one is decided there."

Is this what marriages are nowadays? Do they spend time in this war? I thought that they spend showering affection on each other. Marriage should be a place where I can show my vulnerable side, but I think these are places where I should be extra cautious.

Marriage is very different from what I thought. I will hate that, but who is going to marry me? If Catherine can't marry me then no one can marry me. If I am not acceptable for her then no one will accept me.

"Addar, change man. You have everything in life except you don't adjust with this world."

"How do I start this?"

"Come with me to the function and find the real world from now."

I said, "But I won't strip. Promise me."

He nodded. I believe that I won't see naked guys and I don't want to dance in underwear too.

He added, "No. Come with me to a party. We have something important to do."

"What is the important thing?"

"It is time for you to lose your virginity."

 *******

AUTHOR'S NOTE

I know that this is very dark and sad... A new girl will come in chapter 11 or chapter 12, after that the book will change.

She will stay with Addar till the end.

I know that I don't have the right but I wanted to say. DON'T READ 50 SHADES OF GREY.

Some might like it but I don't.

Did you like it?

What do you think will happen in party?

What do you think about the girl who is going to come?

What do you expect from her?

Important questions:

Do you think I am saying some bad things here?

Do you feel uncomfortable reading?

Do you think it is boring?

Answer: Sex is about making your partner happy. It is something done to show how much you love him or her.  It is not about two flesh.  It is about two heart and feelings.
Teaser: Party time.

Take care be safe and stay blessed sis.

-Yagappar