-Newest chapter! Written after the following chapter, but chronically earlier-

Her first heartbreak. At fifteen, it had felt like the world was tearing and pulling on her heart and if she added one more pull, she would quietly fall apart to dust.

She bit her lips, closed her eyes and leaned her head against the window to her left, feeling somewhat what like tragic hero in a movie, overcome with sorrow on a lumbering train.

That thought made her smile so she steeled herself and turned back to the page in front of her.

I had intended to come home tonight and read through my old notes. Since I wasn't going to see Adrien today I wanted to remind myself why I wanted to go see him next year in New York. Recently, I've been really worried that I would change my mind by next year. Fourteen feels like so long ago right now. So much can happen in a year.

I went to Maggie's after school yesterday, but was too distracted to stay for long. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts and mope about not seeing Adrien this year.

I got home, finished my homework, had dinner with Dad, and went upstairs to read before bed. It was something like 10:00 pm when I heard something thud against my window.

My breath hitched and my gaze jolted up from the book.

Slowly, I sat up and walked to the wall next to my window, pressing myself against it so no one could see in. My heart was pounding so hard.

After almost a minute of standing there, I heard another thud against the window. No, not a thud, it was more like a crack. Like a piece of plastic hitting it or something?

Well, I quickly found out what it was.

I gathered my courage and poked just one eye and the top of my head into view of the window.

It was dark, so I couldn't see anything. But, then I heard a noise, a voice talking.

Whipped back around behind the wall and closed my eyes to listen better.

"Amelie!" the voice whispered.

I think my heart grew wings and flew. I knew that voice. A tiny part of me had been hoping that the thud could be him, but I the rest of me and squelched that foolishly hopeful part right down.

I turned and cracked the window to hear the voice better, just in case I was imagining it through wishful thinking.

"Amelie!"

"Oh my god, Adrien!" I tried to whisper shout. Dad didn't seem to be making any noises so I think I got away with it. "I'll come let you in!"

I ran downstairs as lightly and as fast as I could. My socks slid across the kitchen floor I was moving so quickly.

I threw open the door and ran straight into his arms.

"Careful," he said, "You'll crush the Oreos!"

I pulled back and finally noticed he was holding a box of Double Stuffed Oreos.

"Um, did you get hungry on your way here?" I asked.

He grinned, "No, but I needed something to throw at your window and these seemed poetic."

I just hugged him again, tighter this time. His arms circled around my back. I could feel where his hands rested through my PJ's and they still tingle when I think about it.

Then, he rested his foreheads on the crook of my neck and nuzzled against my skin. It was like a red warmth grew inside of me from the place his head rested, spreading like dye in water until my entire body was a soft pink.

I think I would be content the rest of my life hugging Adrien.

We may have just hugged each other for ten minutes. I didn't feel ready to let go of him, but did want to get out of the kitchen in case Dad came down.

"Let's go upstairs," I whispered. I motioned for him to stay there, then went into the kitchen for two glasses of milk.

When we were safely up in my room, we sat down on the floor opposite each other, with about one foot of space between us. I had just kept on the desk light in case Dad got up in the middle of the night and walked by my door.

"It's so good to see you," I whispered, "But, how on Earth did you get here? God when do you have to leave to get back?" I dunked my first Oreo in milk and quickly stuck it in my mouth while I waited for him to answer.

"I took the bus," he quirked up one side of his mouth in a shy grin and looked away, "We're staying in DC until tomorrow afternoon so I came here instead." He dunked an Oreo. "I rushed through my tasks so quickly, I don't think I'll get great marks this year, but the bus left at six so I had to finish quite early."

"Won't they catch you though for not staying the night with the rest of the group?" I asked.

"No, I figured something out, it's okay I don't think I'll be caught."

"Okay," I didn't know what else to say. What else do you say to someone you only see once a year?

He smiled and then stretched his foot out to nudge mine lightly.

"How are you?" he asked.

I didn't want to answer that question.

"I'm fine," I said quickly and looked down at my glass of milk. "How are you?"

He didn't answer me. He was silent for a minute.

"I mean it.....how are you?" he finally said.

I didn't know how to respond to that. "I'm fine, I guess, really... Things have been a little tense with my dad recently. It was...ten years since my mom died this summer and I think he took it really hard. He's barely been home at all since school started so I've just been really lonely.

"And....I don't know how to help him or take care of him," I felt a tear slide down my cheek, "What kind of daughter am I that I cannot be there for my grieving dad? I just don't know what to do. And I worry that....maybe because I was adopted I just can't understand him the way his real child would?"

"Oh Amelie, I'm so sorry," Adrien whispered.

"Shoot I forgot to be whispering!" I replied, whispered. I pulled my legs up to my chest and rested my head on my knees, literally holding myself together.

He offered my a sad smile and awkwardly reached his arm towards me. I nodded and me pulled me into his arms.

"It's just generally been pretty lonely. I'm in all these advanced classes at school, which I'm having so much fun with, but none of the other kids in my grade are with me. It sucks. No one expects the brainy kid to want to have friends too I guess.

"They started talking about me graduating high school a year early, but they said I would need to decide by the end of this school year if I want to do it. I just don't know what to do. I brought it up to my dad at dinner one night and he asked me why I would ever want to do that. He just started talking about how high school was the best time in his life and how he'd be so happy to go back and play football again.

"He was the quarterback and my mom was the head cheerleader. Of course they loved high school! But would it kill him to have some empathy and recognize that high school sucks for some of us?"

I knew Adrien wouldn't understand most of this since he came from such a different world than I did, but the floodgates had opened. It was nice to talk to someone removed from the situation enough to not judge me for my feelings.

I sniffled into my knees again and felt another tear slide down my face. I felt his hand gliding across my back again, and while it was comforting, the spell of red warmth did not appear this time. His other hand slid under my knees and I felt myself being pulled toward him. We were still the same height so I didn't expect him to be able to lift me but then I was proven wrong as he gingerly lifted me and placed me on his lap.

He crossed his legs and positioned me so that my right side leaned against his back and his arm supposed my back. He leaned back against my bed and I felt his hand gently stroking circles down my arm.

I cautiously leaned my head against his chest and lightly nuzzled him. I heard a soft humming come from him.

"It's also confusing because he's my dad and I don't want to abandon him. When I leave for college he has no one except like his bowling league. Especially right now I think he needs me. He may not admit it, nor does he completely understand me, but I know he loves me and he tries. He's a good person. We're just different. He's never been able to give me advice on school.

"The first time I got straight A's in school he took me out for ice cream and taped the report card to the fridge for a year. He even called my grandparents he was so proud.

"He may not understand me, but he's tried before. I don't think he means to be unkind, but I also don't think he will ever understand if I graduate early... if I... leave him." Two thin rivers of my tears fell onto Adrien's shirt.

"Shhhhh it's okay," he said. He started running his hand that was on my arm through my hair instead. I involuntarily closed my eyes and pressed myself harder against his chest.

"I can't tell you what to do, Am. But I can tell you that your dad probably loves you more than you know. And if you're happy, I think he will be happy. If you're not going to be happy being away from home and away from him, then don't go. But, if leaving is going to make you happier than staying, then you should consider leaving."

I nodded and sighed. I still hadn't (and haven't) made up my mind, but at least it was cathartic to talk about it and let the dark thoughts escape from my head.

I shifted in his arms, not ready to move, but suddenly feeling awkward about being there. "Let's play a game. I'm tired of being so sad while you're here."

"What do you want to play?" he asked. I stood up and walked over to my closet.

"Well what time do you have to leave? That will determine what game we play since I'm not getting into a monopoly match to only have to stop halfway for you to leave," I said.

"My train to Philly to catch the bus leaves at ten am tomorrow."

"Let's go with Bananagrams then."

We played board games until two or three in the morning, wanting to soak up as much time as we could together.

Dad had been leaving for work at six-thirty in the morning for the past few years so I knew we would be safe with him sleeping in my room. I crawled in bed and opened the covers to let him slide in beside me. I decided it was better to just open the invitation rather than fumble around awkwardly and try to fake-decide whether to sequester him to the floor when I knew all along we both wanted him sleeping in my bed with me.

While we lay there, side by side, just our arms brushing against each other, I felt the heat pulsating off his body. I stared up at the ceiling to concentrate on keeping my hands to myself and asked, "What's your family like? You've never told me about them."

I had tried to indirectly bring them up before but had never been able to get him to give in and talk about them. Maybe asking while I lay curled up beside him, caressing his arm was not playing fair, but I thought it was time he told me about them.

He sighed and leaned his head back slightly. "Um...I'm an only child. My mom doesn't work so I saw her mostly when I was very young. My dad works for the government. He works a lot too, like your dad. My school is a boarding school from age six so I don't see them very often to be honest."

"Are you not close with them?" I asked.

"No, not really. My dad isn't the.....nicest man." I think I felt him shudder when he said that, "To me or my mom. I try not to spend too much time at home."

"Are you afraid of him?"

"Yes....more than anything." He said softly. I can't imagine that. I understand why he was never open to speaking about his father before.

Adult Amelie stuttered over those words in her head. What had Adrien meant by that? Being more afraid of his father than anything else?

Dark clouds of thoughts stormed inside her head and she made a mental note to come back to that before she saw him next.

At the moment she shook her head to clear it, the loudspeaker overhead announced that they would arrive at the station in two minutes. She gathered up her things, placing the unfinished notes in her purse so she could pull it out on her next train.

Twenty minutes later, she had found as private a seat as she could get on the commuter train and began to read once again.

I felt my body warm and yearn to reach out more to the boy who lived in my heart for most of the year. My fingers searched under the covers to find his. His hand was buried under his body and I softly pulled it out to entangle with my own. I laced our fingers together and brushed my thumb against the outside of his hand in reassurance.

I heard the rustling and felt his head dip down to rest atop mine. He squeezed my hand.

The heat in my body was still unsteady. I wanted to be connected to him. Share my heat with his sad heart and show this boy that I understood his pain.

I slowly moved my head up to rest the soft spot under his shoulder. My head had only made the softest of contact with his body when his arm wrapped around me and squeezed me tightly.

His hot breath blew lightly on my forehead and I felt goosebumps build up in a wave across my skin. My stomach started tingling and the tingles quickly spread along the goosebumps.

I nuzzled my head into his chest and let my arm wrap around his stomach to hold him tight.

I felt rather than heard the growl in his chest.

The warmth in my belly grew more and that and I started stroking my hand across his hard stomach. I liked my soft finger pads colliding with his hardness.

He leaned down and kissed my forehead, englomging the moment of connection and raising his lips from my skin as slowly as he could.

I hoped that I knew what he wanted. I knew what I wanted.

I raised my head up and looked at him questioningly.

He tiled his head and gave me a sleepy smile. Then, his hand came up to cup the back of my neck.

"Have....have you ever kissed anyone before, Amelie?" He said gruffly. The tingles were going wild in my stomach now, moving down to a part of me I rarely give thought to.

I shook my head.

He spread his fingers out on the back of my neck to tangle in my hair and raised his head up a bit to meet mine. I did not need another invitation.

I let my head fall slowly so that our lips could meet.

His mouth was slightly open when our lips came together. I didn't realize that kissing someone would involve always having your mouth open.

Has Adrien kissed someone before? These were the thoughts running through my mind at this moment. I couldn't let myself just enjoy the moment. Stupid Amelie.

Then, he closed his mouth with a feather light pressure caught my top lip caught in between his.

Maybe he has never kissed anyone before either?

His lips began to move against mine and I copied the motion.

Then I pulled back and opened my eyes to look at him. His cheeks were red and a lock of his sandy hair was tossed across his forehead. I brushed it away and kissed the spot where it had been. Then I kissed down his cheek back to his mouth, soft pecking kisses as I had imagined first kisses to be.

He took my face in both of his hands and brushed his thumbs across my cheekbones. Then reached up and kissed my nose, then my eyelids, then again pecked my lips.

I leaned down again and let our lips connect in earnest.

We kissed until I stopped having feeling in my lips. I pulled back and laid myself down on his chest again, kissing the spot next to where my head rested.

He reached down once again and kissed the top of my head. I head his sigh and say my name once more as his hand laced itself in my hair once again.

I fell asleep to the feel of him running his hands through my hair.

It was waking up that morning, happily snuggled in his arms that made me realize what I needed to do.

I have been so unhappy recently. The joy I felt around Adrien made me realize that maybe part of my sadness is that I haven't thrown my energy into life like I should have. Knowing that Adrien is out there and living in a fantastical world just makes it seem unfair that I should be stuck with this reality.

I was never going to be a part of his world and that fact was slowly eating me away.

So, I told him goodbye.

We were in the kitchen eating breakfast when I finally gathered my courage.

"Adrien," I started softly. He looked up from his bowl of cereal, concern drawn up his eyes.

"There's something I need to tell you...I...I can't say goodbye again."

He looked down at the table and gripped the edge so hard I saw his knuckles turn white.

"Why?" He asked.

"It's just too hard. I miss you too much when you're gone. I can't keep doing this," I turned away from him so that I was facing the kitchen window. It was easier to talk about it without seeing him. "I care about you, but, I just can't be sad this much of the time over not seeing you."

"I...I can't come any more often than I already do, Amelie," he said.

I sighed, "I know. I'm not asking you to. I know that it's not possible and I don't want to burden you with feeling guilty about that." I turned back around to face him this time. I willed him to look up so I could meet his eyes.

He did, so I said "It's not your fault," slowly and dramatically to emphasize my point.

He stood up suddenly and came over to me. He griped me by the elbows and looked right into my eyes. We are still the exact same height so he could stare directly at me.

"I don't want to walk away from you. I don't," he said and shook his head.

"I don't either. But, I think I need to," I said.

He let go of me and pushed himself away, walking towards the door.

"What are you—" I started.

"I need a minute!" he said and stormed out the door.

I stood in the kitchen, stuck to my spot. I could hear thumping sounds outside. It was five minutes before he came back inside.

He walked over to the sink to wash his hands and vaguely registered that the water was running red.

Blood. He was bleeding.

I walked over to him and gently took his hands in mine. I started washing the blood from his knuckles, softly brushing my thumbs against the chaffed areas.

Adrien's head tipped and he leaned it against my shoulder. I heard him sniff. We left our hands under the gentle stream of warm water for much longer than we needed to for the cuts to be cleaned.

By the end there were twin rivers of tears running down my face.

I sniffed and Adrien looked down at me, his face with matching rivers of tears. His hands flipped up to grab my own, then molded my hands to cup the water from the sink. He turned off the tap and held his hands over my pool of water.

He sniffed and lifted his shoulder up to dry his teary eyes. Then curled his palms to call the water up to him.

Like it had the year before, the pool of water in my hands lifted into a crystalline flowing sphere.

He broke the ball into smaller balls, and again smaller still until there was an uncountable number of balls surrounding me. They shimmered in the ray of sunlight streaming in from the kitchen window.

"So beautiful," I whispered.

"Yes, you are. More than anything else." He replied. I wondered if he was mirroring how he spoke of his father last night, intentionally.

My tears started again.

We laid down on the couch for the next hour, not really talking, just lying in each other's arms.

And then he left. For the last time.

 The note ended there. Amelie could see the watermarks on the page where she had cried while writing it and wiped at her eyes reflexively. Only, once again, finding traitorous rivers of tears.