"How do we talk to him?"

"Fuck... I didn't know the situation got this bad. What do we do now?"

"Cheol..."

"All we can do now is give him our fullest support. He's gone through a lot. We need to protect him from the management, I know they'll be insensitive to his situation. Just like before."

"Fuck..."

"Jihoon, you awake?"

It feels like my soul finally came back to my body, and I'm lying down on soft sheets. The constant, loud beeping machine pierces my ears and I wince.

A cold hand rests on my forehead and pushes my hair up. I let out a satisfied sigh.

"Hey Hoon, how you feeling?"

I groan and shift in my bed. Something tugs at my wrist and causes my eyes to finally pry open.

Blinding white, everywhere. My eyes travel down to see the cream blanket, then the needle in my arm.

"You lost a lot of blood and they had to stitch your wound up. Do you remember... how you got it?"

I shake my head, looking up at Soonyoung for an answer.

He looks at the rest of the members uncomfortably, and they urge him to continue.

"Someone... someone did this to you."

I frown and stare at the huge stitch on my arm. What did he mean by that? I would have noticed. There's no way I didn't see them.

"A knife. I think... I think he was trying to stab you. He must have missed and only managed to inflict a cut, but that's more than enough. Security caught him and he's at the police station for questioning now. Our company will handle everything and make sure he gets what he deserves."

Soonyoung is gritting his teeth and clenching his fist as he says it. Meanwhile, I can't process what he's telling me.

Someone tried to kill me?

"D-Do they... really hate me that much?"

My whisper is weak and raspy, so I don't know how Soonyoung managed to catch what I said. His head whips up and I feel his burning gaze, and I can't bring myself to make any eye contact.

I don't want them to see my teary eyes. They already know how weak I am. I'm just holding on to the last bit of my dignity.

"H-Hoon... why would you-"

"-it's true. They really do hate me. Have you seen the comments they make about me? I don't even blame them when they say I always look tired, frail. I look in the mirror, and I see every single thing they're talking about."

I wipe the teardrop gathering at the corner of my eyes with the back of my hand before it can roll down.

"I see my clothes hanging off me like a hanger, I see that my skin is a pale white. I'm sick. I know I am. Maybe you should just have let him stab me."

Everyone is silent, all shooting me different looks.

Concern, fear, sadness, even anger.

"How dare you say that?"

"Hey Soonyoung, calm-"

"- who are you to just say that? Have you even for a moment, thought about how much you mean to us? Fuck... we do see it Hoon. Every single day, all of us worry each time you skip a meal, each time you stumble and collapse after practice. But what can we do? We're trying our best to protect you Jihoon, so why can't you see how much you're worrying us? How can you talk about dying this easily?"

Soonyoung is fuming, but his speech is laced with worry. I know he isn't truly angry, not at me, but I can't help but feel the tears well up.

"I-I know... and I'm sorry I ever caused any of you trouble everytime I didn't take care of myself. I'm so sorry. It's so tough for me to even just... exist. My thoughts are so overwhelming. My brain tells me to hurt myself, that I don't deserve any love, any of you. So... screw it. I end up giving in to everything."

Soonyoung remembers the dark bruise that's sitting on Jihoon's hip. How long has that been there? How much has Jihoon been silently suffering each day? Soonyoung knew that something was off about him, but he didn't know it got this bad again.

None of them expected it.

"Jihoon... will you just let us take care of you? We won't ask for more, we just want to protect you from the bad in the world. I don't want someone else's words to determine who you are anymore. So please... tell us what's going on Hoon."

I don't want to. I don't want them to hear my thoughts the way they are. They wouldn't be able to handle it.

Soonyoung seems to sense my hesitation and hurt flashes over his eyes.

"Do you trust me?"

He leans closer to me and whispers.

"I-I do Soonyoung... really, I do. But you don't want to hear the thoughts in my head. It'll tear you down. I can't bear to let that happen to you too. Just let me go through this alone, alright?"

I cup his face with my palm and his warm tears are spilling onto my hand.

"H-How can I? Look at what it's done to you Hoon..."

He rests his forehead on mine, and he holds my hand that's on his cheek.

"I know... and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I never talked to you about it. I'll try my best to come to you, but no promises. I don't want to promise something I may not be able to keep when the time comes..."

Soonyoung nods and looks down, tears welling up with a fresh set of tears. He can't even look Jihoon in the eyes anymore.