"Hey, everything okay?"

Soonyoung nudges my arm and it sends me flinching. I let go of the bruise im nursing on my hip quickly.

"Yeah, just tired."

He looks at me hesitantly, eyes travelling down to where my hand was. Soonyoung stares at it for a moment, but doesn't say anything else because of the hundreds of cameras and fans swarming around us.

"You can rest on the plane, it'll take about 5 hours to get there."

I simply nod and pull my cap down to cover my eyes, my jacket covering my entire upper body up to my neck.

I've seen the comments. They say I look sick, weaker lately. My skin is pale, I've lost a lot of weight in the past month, and there's "no light in his eyes", whatever that's supposed to mean.

I know it too, I see it in the mirror everyday. I see the clothes hanging off my body limply, I see the ribs start showing up more prominently on my skin with every meal I skip. I know it's bad, and in fact, it's getting worse.

"Your passport, please."

My train of thoughts get cut off when I find myself standing in front of the counter. She quickly looks through the passport, types something in her computer, and stamps on a page before handing it back to me.

I move on, a little dazed.

"Did you have any breakfast, Jihoon?"

I hear Jeonghan's voice, concerned. I get why. I'm almost dragging my feet at this point, head hung, eyes unfocused. I look exactly like how I feel.

"No. I'm-"

"-not hungry. I know. It's been like that for awhile Hoon... I'm worried. Can you eat something on the plane at least? Even if it's just bread, or some juice. Our world tour is coming up and it's definitely going to get more tiring as we go along."

I think for a moment before hesitantly nodding. I won't be able to eat anything, that's for sure, with my anxiety crawling up my skin. Jeonghan, however, wouldn't be sitting with me. He wouldn't know anyway.

Soon, the whole group is gathered along with the managers on the side, rushing us on. We aren't late, but we don't want to stand here any longer either. The flash of the cameras is getting nauseating.

I tug my body alongside Soonyoung, who takes a few glances back at me once in awhile. My eyes meet his and lock on for a few seconds, then he shoots a small, worried smile over. I try to smile back, but I can't bring myself to fake one. I slightly nod at him in response instead.

The group is moving fast towards the boarding area. As we approach it, I notice my heart start pounding harder, faster. It's not unbearable anymore, just uncomfortable.

"You're sitting next to me."

Soonyoung says, a little excitedly. I try my best to look enthusiastic as well. He isn't the problem, I just can't bring myself to respond when my hands have already started trembling in my pockets.

My entire body starts vibrating when I step onto the plane, and it tenses up when I settle into my seat.

Soonyoung comes in after me, putting his baggage in the storage above.

"Hey, you don't look too good. Don't worry, the flight will be okay. I'm here if you need anything."

All I want to do is cling onto him, maybe bury my face in his warm neck. It always calms me down, his scent, his warmth, but I can't do that here. Not with so many people looking. Not with our careers on the line.

"I-I know, thank you. I'll just rest, it'll be fine."

Soonyoung's mouth curves down a little, so I grab onto his hand and give a light squeeze. He quickly responses by gripping it tighter. I'm a little confused, but one look into his fearful and worrying eyes screams everything he doesn't say.

I don't want to lose you.

My eyes shake and water.

Please don't let go of me.

I know he gets the message. He always does. Draping his jacket over our laps, Soonyoung slips his hand back into mine and intertwines our fingers. It doesn't fail to calm me down ever so slightly.

I'm not letting go.

Soon, the announcement is made, and with our seatbelts tightly on, the plane starts moving and picking up speed.

It shakes, and my body starts trembling more with it.

We're going too fast. We're going too fast.

Soonyoung can hear my breathing quicken and takes it upon himself to shift closer to me. In that moment, I can't be bothered about the people that may be watching. I bury myself into the side of Soonyoung's body.

My face is stuffed into his shoulder, half of my body stuck onto him. With eyes clenched tight, I feel myself get light-headed when the plane finally picked up enough speed to lift off.

It's uncomfortable. We're going too fast. It's not safe.

"W-We're gonna d-die..."

I whisper into his shirt, and Soonyoung turns around worriedly to land a kiss on my forehead quickly.

"We're not going to die. We're safe, alright? I'm right here."

He lets my cold hands cling onto his arm and doesn't remove them. Even if it's uncomfortable for him, he doesn't let go.

"I'm right here. You feeling okay?"

The plane is more stable now, travelling at a slower speed than it was before, but I haven't calmed down since. It's the build-up from this morning, ever since I woke up.

I flinched at every little thing, my heart felt like it was permanently sunk down. It's a sick feeling. Seeing myself spiral down into the dark void that I created for myself is scary, but what's worse is that I can't pull myself out of it.

"N-No... I haven't been okay."

He probably thinks that it's only since this morning that I haven't been feeling well. I want to tell him that it's been like that since 2 months ago. Nothing has gotten better, it's just getting worse as each day passes.

"I can tell."

It isn't often that we have time to sit down and chat like this, where I'm forced to talk. Talk about me, my feelings, what's going on in my head.

It's the perfect opportunity to tell Soonyoung everything, maybe get some help. Maybe, someday.

"Is... is your hip bruised again? I've been meaning to ask but couldn't find a suitable time to."

My breath hitches. Soonyoung knows more than I thought he did. I thought I hid it well.

The last time he found out was an accident. We were in the waiting room getting our hair and makeup done, putting on our outfits for the concert.

It was crowded with all the members and staff rushing around to get everything done on time, so it was only bound for Soonyoung to bump into me as I walked around, dazed.

I should have been more careful. I should have hid my reactions better. As he bumped into me and I lost balance, Soonyoung grabbed the side of my hip to support me.

Only, his hand gripped tightly onto the bruise that I started creating almost a week ago.

Shocked, I let out a cry of pain and pushed him away roughly. Everyone went silent, staring at me. Soonyoung's eyes widened as he stared at my hip before reaching out to slightly lift up my shirt.

"H-Hey-"

He saw it before I could even say no. Everyone saw it. The flurry of blue and black on my skin, huge and ugly. There were so many people I had to speak to that day. My manager, Seungcheol, Soonyoung, and then again with all the members.

Everyone looked at me with such pity in their eyes.

"He must be carrying too much on his shoulders at such a young age."

"Poor thing. Life must have been hard on him."

"He should get some help for it before it gets worse."

Concern or pity, I can't tell the difference.

Now, it seems as if everything is happening again. I can't let Soonyoung find out. I already promised them I wouldn't do it to myself again. I don't want to go through all of that again.

"No, it isn't."

"Can I see it then? Just to be sure. I don't-"

Soonyoung gets cut off by the plane that starts jerking a little violently, and I'm sent into a panic mode again.

"F-Fuck..."

I whisper into his shoulder and my fingers tremble as they grip onto Soonyoung's shirt.

"Hey, hey. Look at me."

Two fingers under my chin lift my head up, then I'm staring into Soonyoung's eyes with my tear-filled ones.

"It's just a small turbulence, it'll be over soon. We won't crash, nothing bad's going to happen. I'm right here to protect you."

He presses a kiss onto my forehead, resting there a little longer than before.

I frantically push him away in fear that someone will see. That someone's recording this whole interaction. There's going to be a scandal, I just know it. It's going to bring our whole reputation down, that's what my manager is going to say.

Don't tarnish the group's image for your selfish needs.

I forcefully pull myself away from Soonyoung's hold no matter how badly I just want to stay in his arms right now. It's the only way I can calm down.

"T-Thanks..."

Without even raising my head, I can sense the frown on Soonyoung's face. I didn't mean to hurt him. I don't want to hurt anyone. Only myself.

My hand unknowingly travels back to the bruise on my hip. The pain somehow gives a sense of comfort, that's why I don't let it heal. Whenever I see it fading, I do everything I can to bring it back. My actions are sickening, I know it.

"Please get some rest, Hoon. I just... don't want anything bad to happen to you."

Maybe something bad should happen to me. Maybe that's what I need to get this uneasiness off my chest. Maybe all I need is to feel some sort of pain to relief my anxiety.

If only Soonyoung knew the thoughts in my head. He would be disappointed.

"I-I know... I'm sorry."

I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for pushing him away, I'm sorry for the thoughts in my head.

It isn't long later that we're already being served breakfast. I look around and see the members start waking up one after another, eyes lidded as food gets passed to them.

Our food comes too, and just the smell of it is nauseating. The food isn't bad, but I can't stand to look at it, to smell it. It's been like that for so long.

"Hoon..."

Soonyoung must have seen me facing the window, eyes closed. He sounds worried.

"Yeah?"

"Could you eat something? Please... I'm getting so worried about you. You wouldn't want me to feel like that right? Eat something, a-anything."

I gulp at the sound of Soonyoung's voice breaking. It always gets me.

He's staring at me longingly, waiting for some sort of response.

How do I tell him that just the sight of food makes me want to puke? How do I tell him that eating has become something I can't do anymore?

"I c-can't... I'm sorry Soon, I really can't do it."

I hang my head and turn away. Every second that passes without a response from Soonyoung makes me more guilty.

"Say something..."

I whisper, still not looking at Soonyoung.

"What are we... what are we going to do about this, Hoon? If you don't eat you'll... you'll fall really ill. I don't want it to get to that stage."

He doesn't know that I'm already at that stage, does he? Soonyoung doesn't know how bad the situation already is, but it's not his fault. I hide it too well for my own good.

I stay silent when I can't respond.

"I'm really worried, Jihoon. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose you. Please... please don't do this to yourself. I can't see you like this. Please talk to me about it?"

His voice gets softer with each sentence, his face, downcast.

I feel so sorry. It's all my fault that he's feeling like that, that he feels so helpless. I'm the one that doesn't open up. I'm the one that keeps all my issues to myself. Is it because I don't trust him?

"Soonyoung..."

"Please Jihoon, give me some way I can help you... some way that I can fix everything."

The first tear falls from Soonyoung's eyes, then the rest are rolling down his cheeks swiftly. I freeze at his sudden burst of emotions. I didn't mean to make him cry. I didn't mean for this to happen.

"Soonyoung... you know I trust you with my entire life, and you know that I love you with all of my heart. It's just difficult for me to talk about things like this... I can't bring myself to open up. I'm sorry... it's all my fault. It's my fault that you're going through this too. Some things I... I just can't talk about. It's not you Soonyoung, I just can't talk about it to anyone. I promise you're not the problem here. I love you..."

My voice is trembling as I hold back the tears. I can never truly show my vulnerability to anyone. Not unless I'm alone with Soonyoung. Right now, there's too many ears, too many eyes.

Soonyoung pulls me into his chest, then rests his own head on my shoulder. I embrace the warmth, the comfort. It's safe here, I know it is. I'm always safe in Soonyoung's arms.

I focus on his heartbeats, pumping quickly in his chest because he's still crying. I know mine has been beating rapidly ever since I woke up in the morning.

"I love you so much Jihoon, that's why I can't stand to see you like this. I can't sit back and do nothing while you hurt yourself like that... I wish I could take away all your pain."

Soonyoung's words stay imprinted in my mind.

I wish my pain could be taken away too.

If it was only that easy.