PRESENT DAY

I had a checkup with Lay today.

He took my blood, tested my temperature, observed and wrote a whole lot of things that meant nothing to me. I just wanted to know if it would go away anytime soon.

Normally these procedures would go on for at least two hours straight without much interaction between us - that is, unless it was for him to command me to do something.

Today however, he asked me a question which took me completely by surprise.

"Why do you do this?"

"I...I'm not sure I understand your question?"

"Why do you torture yourself so? Why can't you jus accept it? Is it that bad? Being different, I mean."

I slammed my hand down against the desk causing him to flinch. He was barely older than myself, yet he was already a doctor. I admired him for that and for the fact that he was willing to search for a cure for my disease.

"You have no idea what its like."

"But-"

"YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT ITS LIKE TO NOT BE ABLE TO TRUST YOURSELF TO DO ANYTHING AROUND PEOPLE," I shouted surprising both myself and the confused doctor at the receiving end of my fury.

"Just...Just do what you have to do."

Silence enveloped us as he finished off whatever mumbo jumbo he was doing and handed me a packet of tablets.

"Use these when you feel it becoming too strong. It should sedate you before you doing anything...dangerous."

I collected the pills, my hands shaking.

"You haven't found the cure yet?"

"I'm sorry. I haven't but I'm trying"

"Try harder."

I rolled down the sleeve of my shirt and slung my coat over my shoulders as I made my way out. It was late, the sun was already down and night had already begun to settle.

"Hey Kai," Lay called from behind me clutching a clipboard and some papers in his hand.

"What?"

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself and your situation and move on. Try to live with it because-"

"Because what?"

"I'm not sure there is a cure."

His words settled over me and I felt the flicker of hope in me blow out by that realization. That truth.

"No. There is a cure, and I know it."

"Don't keep your hopes up too high is all that I'm saying. Goodnight Jongin."

I froze at the sound of my real name. The name my mother used to call me before she left me behind. I felt an unexpected rage surge through me and I could feel its anger building up in me.

With shaking fingers I slipped a pill into my mouth, swallowing it dry fighting the tears that were beginning to form at my eyes.

This was all for you.

Even though I was forced to hurt you so bad that any chances of us having a relationship was destroyed, I wished that once this is over, we could be friends again. The guilt was drowning me every time I saw you, because I didn't mean anything I said, but you don't know that. Yet.

This -the beast- was the price for protecting you from him but I don't regret it even though it made my life a living hell.

All I could do was cling to that thin thread of hope that maybe maybe there was a cure.

That was why I was doing this. I love you. I know I sound pathetic, but trust me, I would make a deal with him over and over again if it meant protecting your life.