'...Sincerely,
Ninad Raman'

Did I do something wrong? I asked myself for the umpteenth time that evening. The paper felt like a burning presence upon my fingers, and the more I looked at it, the more it made me realise just how impulsive I was being.

I hastily folded it up, tucking it away to God knows where. I couldn't change what was already done. Thinking of it wasn't gonna give me two shits.

Touching the clouds is what you do if you live in a place like Nilgiri. Away from all the rush and humdrum of the metropolitan and amongst the mountains of blue, it was a paradise, to say the least.

I grew up to love the place, but the scenery was merely just a part of it.

"Ninad!"

I sighed. It hadn't been two days, how could I already miss something I used to hate so much? School has been a child's nightmare since forever, so why does it feel so homey when I know I'm not gonna see it ever again, and probably wouldn't want to?

I'd yearned for that peace forever, then why did I feel a tug every time I saw that goddamned letter?

Adu must be in America by now, several seas away from here, from me...

I closed my eyes, falling back against my pillows.

Brooding was all I did for those two days, thinking of all those things that might've unfolded if only I had stayed.

If only I wasn't a coward.

I brought a pillow to my face and screamed.

~~~

"Brigadier Sahab (sir) had called today."

It was one of those days when Papa was back at Kotagiri for his routined breaks from the café. He sat on the head of the small table, not really looking up from his roti.

I knew exactly what was coming for me.

"Did you not talk to Adu baba before coming here?"

My head lowered on its own accord.

Why is the roti suddenly so hard to break?

I did my best to ignore the conversation as long as I could, which wasn't so long.

"Ninad?"

I coughed a couple of times, looking up to find papa looking right at me with the most neutral expression he could pull off. I didn't even know he could manage such a thing.

I tried to play it off.

"Uh- um... You're talking to me?"

Unsuccessfully.

His lips tightened. "Did you two have a fight? He was clearly very displeased with you from what I have heard."

I gulped down the bite. "He was just...uh...busy, yeah. He was busy with the sword of honour duties that's why I couldn't talk to him."

For a moment, papa was still, staring at me so hard I wanted to hide down the table. But then his gaze went back to the food, and I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding.

"What was the fight about?"

Okay, I did forget how bad I was at lying. Good job, Ninad.

But right then, my ma came back from the kitchen with a tray full of three bowls of kheer. She sat down beside me, keeping the bowls down on the table. When her kind eyes found the tension around the room, her full smile dropped by a fraction.

"...Did something happen?"

Before I could answer, papa snatched the initiative.

"Your son here left school a day before the farewell, writing that his grandfather is ill."

Ma frowned and turned to me. "Is that true? Is he ill?"

I didn't know if I wanted to laugh at my lovely mother's naive self or cry at the unwanted situation I had brought myself in. I could feel papa sharing the same sentiments.

I had no strength to look at her. "No ma. He is fine."

Her frown divulged. "Then what's the problem?"

"That he lied. How can you overlook that?" Papa barged in, a bit incredulous.

"What is there to overlook?" It was my turn to frown at her. "He might simply be missing home and that's why he came back! It's not like he did a crime?"

And ma may not know this, but she unknowingly gave me the best escape from the conversation and I couldn't love her enough for that.

Back straightened, I turned to papa with renewed courage. "Yes! I was missing home. Ma is right. It has been a whole year since I saw her."

At that, ma gently touched my arm, giving me a genuine smile. "Both of you are eating so slow. The roti is going to get cold."

I smiled back at her.

~~~

The evening found me huddled in the corner of a local bookstore with the latest edition of a college guide.

List after list, course after course-- all of it felt so complicated, I wondered how I even managed to apply for Adu's scholarships.

After a long conflict with myself in the days away from school, I finally decided to join a fine arts program. It was, after all, something that I liked and it might or might not have been the only thing I was good at. Throughout my school life, I was somewhat of an above-average student with little to no talents other than daydreaming and, of course, sketching. I won't deny some of it was influenced by Adu's constant nagging as well.

He always wanted me to do this.

I smiled.

He would've been so happy if he knew.

"You have a million-dollar graphic novel idea with you. Buy your own private jet and come!"

I closed the pages, finding myself escaping again into the world I had unintentionally created over the years.

A place where none of those monsters existed. Just the shadow boy walking through the light with his guardian angel, forgetting all the darkness he had built up to find solitude.

My eyes skimmed through the green lands on the way back home, imagining walking down those beautiful sceneries alongside my guardian angel. How peaceful it would've been-- us holding hands as we would've joked away in our own bubble.

It's not even a joke, I literally miss him so much...

I wondered if Adhiraj would really forget me. New place, new faces, new things-- it wouldn't have been a surprise if he had failed to recognise me on our next meet.

But then again, I doubted if he even considered me a friend anymore.

"Maybe?! Maybe Ninad?!"

If only I wasn't so impulsive back there.

My guilt-driven reverie, shattered at my doorstep, and as I watched that old door, I asked myself, 'Do you even have any right to be angry at him?'

The answer was right there, deep beneath the darkest corners of my heart, and I ignored it at that very point for the sake of my selfishness.

'I am the only one accountable for it all. Adu may have said things he shouldn't have, and I won't forgive him for it any soon. But I was the one who evoked him, the one who acted like a jerk who went on with trying to give him a kiss. I should've known it wouldn't end in the way I wanted it to, but again, what was I even expecting?'

As I opened the door, it was with the weight of the fact that I failed Adu in every sense of the word. I could've been a good friend and could've bid him a memorable farewell...

...however, I chose to give up on both of those chances just because of my damned feelings.

Being in love was supposed to be rainbows and sunshine. Nobody made me familiar with this other side of it.

"Ninad, beta-"

"I'm not hungry ma. I'm going to my room."

"But-"

I couldn't listen further as the locks of my room clicked shut behind me. I leaned against it, eyes closed as I tried to organise my thoughts. I should've focused on what to do next. Adhiraj was a huge part of my life, and the most beautiful one, but it was high time I moved on from those stupid feelings.

With a sigh, I opened my eyes and-

"Thought I'd be sitting here for the next few years."

- I forgot how to breathe, or speak, for that matter.

I opened my mouth, words dancing at the very tip of my tongue, but then I closed it again, and continued the same for a whole minute.

My mind went blank, my limbs went numb, and I went out of coordination with my body. I felt like running around, maybe adding a little bit of screaming too, but I just stood there frozen like a statue as I stared at my bed.

Or rather the one who was sitting on my bed with a face that screamed determination, like it always did.

Adu wasn't the sword of honour for no reason. His merely sitting there was a definition of authority.

And with a face like that, he definitely had authority over me.

After a long hunt for my voice, I finally managed out a whisper.

"But you were...-"

Adu crossed his arms, keeping his right calf over his left knee. "-Going to America? Well, I cancelled that because a certain someone forgot to give me a final goodbye."

That was my cue.

I gave him a last glance, turned on my heels, slowly opened the door, and ran the fuck out of there.

~~~

I lost track of time, and before I knew it, the dusk had passed by.

I slumped on the sofa, turning on the TV to some random music channel. I concluded that seeing Adhiraj was mainly a fever dream of mine. Maybe I was missing him too much, and so my brain had decided to show me that image of his. It wasn't anything other than a delusion. That's right.

At the time, my favourite singer was KK and when his song tuned in on the TV, I lost myself to its melody. I hummed to myself, imagining things that could have happened but couldn't.

"He was always your favourite."

I flinched, snapping my head to the source of that statement.

"And I can now see why."

I stared at him. He was so vivid sitting there beside me, his warmth so soothing yet managing to send goosebumps down my arms-- there was no way he could have been an imagination.

And with that realisation followed several thousands of questions. In the stillness amidst us graced only by the beautiful melodies KK could conjure out of his throat, I asked, "Why?"

Adu did not answer, bopping his head to the beats. Thus, I tried again, "You were supposed to be in America."

"I think I already answered that before you, for some reason, ran away."

I felt the heat rise up my neck and burning the tip of my ears. "What do you expect me to do, randomly showing up when I had fully expected you to be thousands of kilometres away." I paused, speculating his face for that hindering amusement that had passed him for a second. "And that wasn't an answer to my question. Give me the real one."

He let out a long, almost tired sigh, slumping further against the backrest like the absolute sloth he was. "For starters... I felt...I wanted to apologise to you..." He started to play with the hem of his sweater that he wore with his jeans. "That was really shitty of me to say...those things to you. It was in the spur of the moment, I was just so shocked and angry, I lost any and all control over my mouth."

As soon as he started with his string of apologies, I wanted him to stop. If anything, every passing word of his just made me drown deeper in my ocean of guilt. I hated that feeling.

"Hey... I think I should be the one apologising. You did absolutely nothing. It was all me and my stupid self. I really should have-"

"Listen." He rested his palm over my shoulder. "I thought about it. Trust me, I did. And I think I understand your actions. Maybe a bit out of the blue, yes, but totally understandable. It's me who should have been calm and should not have gone running around the school spreading the word like a fiendfyre."

I did not understand him. Not one bit. Was he saying all of that out of the goodness of his heart, or was it all a misunderstanding because I was very aware of how much of a fault I was in? I only thought of me in that picture at that moment and forgot that Adu was equally a part of that picture. I did not consider his feelings when I did that, and that right there was the biggest mistake of it all.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Do you know why I ran away?"

He blinked, slowly shaking his head.

I crossed my arms. "It was my primary human response to an unexpected circumstance. What you did in the photo booth and after that was your primary human response. If you look at it that way, you'll see that all of your sorrow is for no reason at all. You did what your brain said. You escaped, and that's perfectly normal. But what I did, I had a whole lot of time to stop myself. I should have suppressed my feelings long ago. I know you and Malvika are dating for fuck's sake, and I still tried to pull up with that stunt. I am the shitty one here, Adu, and you gotta accept that."

Other than the TV, there was complete silence for what seemed like hours but was merely two or three minutes.

"Are you apologising to me, or scolding me?"

I opened my mouth, closed it again, gulped, and opened it again. "Both, because you are an idiot."

He punched me against my arm, laughing. "Did I come all the way here just for you to be my mom?"

"That's upon you, ass. Why did you cancel your flight tickets? Do you know how much of a hassle it was to find those application forms for you?"

"This was important, Ninad, don't judge me."

It was my turn to punch him. "You are crazy."

"And you aren't?"

"Shut the-"

The main door opened and in came ma with a bagful of groceries in both of her hands. "Ah thank God I found both of you here. Can you help me in making some chocolate milk?"

~~~

"Why are you bringing that?"

I frowned at Adu while holding the mattress. "To sleep, of course. I won't exactly sleep on your head, now, would I?"

He rolled his eyes. "You are acting as if we did not used to share a bed back at school when I used to have nightmares."

I let the mattress fall to the floor, putting my hands over my hips. "That was school, Adu. Ma would kill me if she saw you in any sort of discomfort. My bed wouldn't even fit the both of us."

He gave me something that resembled a pout. "Since when was I a guest to her and not a son?"

And that's true. My mother wouldn't have minded much even if we had slept on the same bed, but I had personal reasons not to do that, and it was a surprise that Adu wasn't catching on with it.

I ignored his man-child whinings and made the arrangements for my sleep. After ten minutes, the lights were off and I lay there facing away from Adu as I realised just how real it is-- me and him alone in the same room. Kind of surreal, but terrifying at the same time. And that was not the first time he was having a sleepover with me in that same exact room.

"Are you asleep?"

I stiffened. "No."

I heard him sigh, followed by some rustle of fabric against fabric. "Neither am I."

"No shit, Sherlock."

He gave out a chuckle, and then it was all so still. I could hear the crickets from the fields outside and the distant whirring of engines. The air felt thick.

"Malvika broke up with me."

I turned to him. "Excuse me, what?"

He also turned to look at me from the bed, resting his head on his forearm. His eyes were shining from what I could see of him in the moonlight. "It was coming anyway. If she hadn't broken up, I would've."

"You are kidding, right? Am I talking to Adhiraj Jaisingh or is this a doppelganger?" I sat up.

"You know it, Ninad, she never loved me for me. She loved the idea of me. She loved the surface of me. It wasn't gonna last."

I narrowed my eyes, absolutely taken off-guard. "I mean, yes, but I thought... well... Why did she break up?"

"Because she realised something that I couldn't in the past several years."

"You are not making any sense."

He did not answer me right away, but instead, he got down on the mattress settling in front of me. My eyes followed his every move.

"Ninad... I did not cancel my trip. I am still going to America after a week."

I felt a pang in my heart, but I ignored it, plastering a smile. "That's good! That's awesome! I-I am glad I won't be the reason who held you back from your dreams. I am happy for you."

He closed his eyelids, looking a bit frustrated. "Don't you feel anything, Ninad?"

"What is there to feel Adu? You are so intelligent. This is a golden opportunity for you to explore it more and put it to some use! Of course, I am a bit sad that I won't be able to see my best friend so often, but we can always send letters and emails, right?"

Adu was especially weird that night. He was talking in riddles, hinting at something, and I could see all of it, but was having a hard time wrapping my head around it. Either he was being that mysterious or I was really that dumb.

He laughed with barely any humour, lying down on the mattress beside me. "Best friend." He scoffed.

So sarcastic. He only did that when he used to be mad mad. He was fine only minutes ago.

"You are not going back on the bed, are you?"

Adu made a weird nasal sound, eyes still closed.

So I gave up.

~~~

"Twenty for two right?"

Kotagiri mornings were hazy and cold with an off-white sky and a little too many clouds.

Adu handed me the paper bag of peanuts, keeping the other one to himself. We walked together amidst the market which wasn't that crowded.

"So a week, eh?"

He took one of the peanuts. "Yeah. Wanted to spend it here."

"And dadu?"

"It was his idea. Don't worry."

I was glad he was there. At least we could set aside those mistakes. Maybe a prior warning would've been nice, but I think the current situation wasn't that bad either.

We found an empty street amidst the shop buildings, chatting away the old and the new. It felt nostalgic, reminding me of all those sleepless nights we'd spend talking and laughing, going for uncharted strolls, gazing at the stars, sharing every little secret.

Suddenly it dawned on me that all of it was over now. I'd be alone, all by myself with no one to listen to me, no one to talk to me, no one to care.

"What are you thinking?"

I lowered my head, albeit smiling. I was aware that the sadness had seeped through the trenches of my mind and onto my face. "Nothing."

Adu moved a bit closer, his shoulder brushing against mine. "You can tell me anything. You know that right?"

I chuckled to myself. The same thoughts from when I was in that photo booth with him were starting to annexe my brain. He would go away. Would it hurt to be a little honest? It's the only secret I never told Adu.

He'd surely understand it this time around. He is a good guy. He never judged me, and he never would. I should only give him the time and space, and it'd all be alright.

I pushed my body off of the wall, moving to stand right in front of him. There was, to none of my surprise, a moment of surprise and confusion for him.

"Ninad-"

"-This is the only time I'll say this, Adu. It's not something you may like...but we have been beating around the bush since yesterday..."

I took a sharp breath. Adu's eyes glazed over with something unreadable. "I like you."

He blinked. "I know."

"I made that quite obvious with my actions, didn't I... I guess I'm sorry for that. Trust me, Adu, I cherish our friendship, I cherish it more than I can imagine, but even I do not know when it slowly changed into... something else. Something much deeper than a friendship."

Hearing nothing in return only added to my anxiety. "It would be totally fine if you choose to walk away right now. It would also be fine if you want to ignore any of this ever happening. I'm just glad to have you by my side, and that's all I would ever ask for."

For several minutes nothing happened, but I noticed him gritting his teeth, then I felt a strong grip around my wrist and the next thing I knew, I was being manhandled in the middle of a road.

"Adu-" He listened to nothing, just dragged me away to his car, opening the passenger's door and pushing me in before himself getting in through the other side.

I was in complete and utter shock.

Eyes wide, I turned to him. "What was that for?!"

"Somebody was watching us from the terrace of one of the buildings."

"What?"

"It was unsafe for us to be there."

The shock soon enough divulged into fear. "What are you trying to say? Did you know who they were?"

"No."

"Then how was it unsafe?"

His gaze slowly shifted to me. "Don't you know, it's illegal."

"What is?"

He took a few breaths. He seemed to be in a conflict with himself, almost hesitant. "... To be... y-you already know, don't you?*."

My heart sank. The brim of my eyes burned. "I-I know that. Of course, I know that. What's wrong?"

He licked his lips, his breaths growing shallow. I noticed his hands shaking over the steering wheel. "Aren't you afraid of them? What if someone knows..."

Obviously, I was aware that my entire existence was illegal in front of the law. I knew that better than anyone else, but I always kept it buried at the very back of my head. Looking at Adu right then, however, brought all my terrors to the front.

But then I realised something.

The sweating, the shivering, the babbling, the haste...

...Adu was going through an anxiety attack.

I bent forward and pulled him close over the gear handle. "Shush. They won't see me. I am right here, don't worry."

I caressed his hair, whispering soothing things into his ear. I wasn't in any better situation, however. Tears threatened to spill from my eyes and I suddenly felt like hiding away in the shadows. I held on for Adu's sake, but every passing second made me slip down the void of my darkness. One of my hands clasped tightly upon his sweater, but I was human after all, one whose strength wasn't a forté.

And so I sunk my face into the crook of Adu's neck and cried away in silence.

I could feel his chest rising and falling against me, his nerves slowly getting under control.

I gulped down the rest of my tears and moved back just enough to see his face properly.

He seemed more normal as his gaze raved across my face. "I am sorry, that... was out of nowhere."

"Why are you apologising so much?" I chuckled. "You were literally having one of your episodes on which you have no control. Stop worrying yourself over silly things."

And again, he said nothing, just watched me with a thousands of emotions swimming through his pupils.

"You were crying."

"I- well..." I brought the hem of my cardigan to rub the moisture away. "It's nothing."

And at that very point, I hated how bad I was at lying.

But I stopped all of myself when I felt a palm over my cheek, a finger rubbing at the skin ever so softly. I put my own hand over it, liking the touch. It was comfortable.

"Ninad... I did some research. Some... self-analysis. I told you that I did not feel very sad leaving Malvika behind, remember? I think I know why?"

I gulped. "Why?"

He let a small smile grace his lips. "Because you were the one in my mind for that entire time. Your face was plastered on my head and every little thing that I saw reminded me of you. And when I did not see you in that assembly hall, it felt as if a piece had gone lost, and I was the sole reason for that. I searched for you like crazy throughout the school, but when I couldn't find you, a weird, heavy kind of feeling settled over me. I was mad, yes, but I was equally terrified. I was confused. I have never felt such a thing with anyone else, but you. When I came back home, I read thousands of articles, searching for answers,

That night, I had a nightmare. There was you arguing with Malvika. Something happened, and she pushed you off of the ledge. I c-could do nothing b-but see you fall, watch you b-bleed. I hated it, Ninad. I hated every single part of it. But when I woke up, I had my answers. That's when I decided to postpone the tickets..."

Baffled was an understatement. I was absolutely gobsmacked. I had some idea of where all of it was heading, but was too scared to jump to conclusions. "What do you mean?"

His smile widened and a pearly tear escaped his eye, slowly descending his skin. "I think I like you too, Ninad."

At first, I couldn't believe it, wondering if I heard him wrong. But then I saw him physically brighten when he enunciated it once again.

"I like you."

I laughed. I brought my hands to his face and laughed because not even in my dreams did I imagine something like this. It felt a bit too surreal, but he was right there, laughing along and closing in to rest his forehead against mine.

The ecstasy rushed through my veins. I couldn't control myself, landing a kiss on his forehead, then his nose and then both of his cheeks. He just laughed in the most endearing way possible.

"Did you know just how stupidly beautiful you are?"

"Shut up."

I didn't know who initiated it, but somewhere between those words and laughs, we found ourselves staring as if each of us held something the other yearned for.

It was like a magnet. I can't recall who exactly leaned in, but our faces rested mere breaths away, and his warmth wafted over to me with the musky scent that belonged to him.

And then there was no space at all.

It was chaste at first, just a peck to test the waters of it. The second time, however, started much slower. Both our hearts drummed against each other, but we could care less. His force pushed me back against the door, his hands reaching down to my chest, desperate.

Believe me, I loved every single moment of it, but I was also aware that we were still in the public and could've been easily spotted by a passerby. It would not have been safe if we had gone any further.

Thus, to my disappointment, I pushed him a little away, panting heavily. "Not n-now."

He blinked at first, but then he realised the same and moved away.

In the silence that had befallen. Both of us savoured all that had happened. I slumped on the backrest of my seat. "So a week."

"Yes."

I closed my eyes, aimlessly fishing for Adu's hand, lacing our fingers.

"Let's make the most of it."

—fin—

The amount of reference dhsjsn

*(A/N: the story is set in 2007 according to the canon. for those who don't know, IPC Section 377 was very much in action during that period which prohibited sexual acts amongst same-sex individuals, which directly affected to non sexual relationships as well. It was finally removed in 2018.)