I needed to focus on my studies again. J-term was already halfway through and my mind still raced back and forth between my stupid heartbreak over John and my dad's wrongdoing. I hadn't talked to anyone but Jessica about them since I had gotten back. Liam knew about my parents, but whenever he had brought it up in the past two weeks, I had shut him out. It was too painful.

Christmas dinner had been torture. Grampa had taken us back to the house and I had had to sit through it and play nice despite the screaming hollowness inside me. Dad had been ashamed, Mom had been hurt, Elsie had been mad, Michael had been uncomfortable, and Grampa had been caught in the middle. I couldn't forget what he had done, but after Christmas Day, I had begun to work on forgiving Dad. Not for his sake, but for mine. He was my family. My trust had been broken and he would have to earn it back slowly. But the conversations when he was transparent about everything I wanted to know about the how and why of my parents' relationship and breakup were a step in the right direction. My heart had been cut out of my ribcage with an old, rusty switchblade, then shattered and its pieces burned. But finally, after almost seven years, I could begin to heal.

Mom and I were also slowly repairing our relationship and talking on the phone regularly. I had apologized for flipping out and had given her my blessing for the marriage, not that she needed it, but it was important to her. While that, too, was a step in the right direction, our bond would need much more fixing than that. She didn't know me anymore, and I had to overcome the triggers I had associated with her over the years.

That January night, then, I was at dinner with Jessica and Liam. Those dinners happened a lot more recently since I wasn't seeing John anymore. Sometimes Linh joined us or I met up with her individually or joined her and Greg. Spending time with the two of them reminded me that I had friends aside from my best friend and my boyfriend.

It had been a long day and I was being as talkative as the grand old leafless maple trees defining the aesthetic of the wintery campus. Not only were the readings for my Forensic Psychology and Criminal Behavior class taking a toll on my sleep schedule, my healing process also drained my emotional battery. Liam and Jessica were talking about their classes and I tried to look engaged but chewed on my broccoli rather unenthusiastically.

Not all relationships were doomed to fail. I was still trying not to fail Liam, but on bad days I thought I was doing an awful job at it and was a terrible person and he'd be better off without me. He was great and I didn't want to be responsible for breaking us up. I wasn't like my parents. But maybe more of them was in me than I wanted to admit. Losing John as a friend had hurt, and still hurt, but not as much as losing the illusion for good that he might like me back one day, that I might be enough one day. Even though I tried every hour of every day not to replay the library scene in my head, trying to lock it out only made me think of it more.

Why was I torturing myself? For what? I had Liam, didn't I? And he loves me. The way he had comforted me on the phone on Christmas Day had reminded me again that I needed to be better. Then why couldn't I stop thinking about John even now, weeks after his rejection? If this was my way of avoiding thinking about my parents' disaster I might have been better off working through that instead.

"A penny for your thoughts," Liam mused.

Realizing he was talking to me, I blinked a couple of times. Both of them were looking at me expectantly.

"Nothing interesting."

My two friends' good moods exhausted me that night. So far, their conversation had thankfully left me to my revolving thoughts, even if it made no sense for me to turn the same stones over again.

"Come on, it's something. I can practically see gears turning in there," Liam probed, smiling, and brushed my hair out of my eyes.

On instinct, I caught his finger and pushed it back toward him. "You have no claim to my mind, you know?"

Jessica's eyes became wide as saucers before she quickly excused herself to get a cup of tea, which meant to leave us to talk through what had just occurred.

Liam's expression matched hers, his voice defensive when he said: "Okay. I'm sorry."

I was beginning to feel bad already, but couldn't overcome my damn ego quite yet. "You're not entitled to my thoughts."

"Alright, calm down. I don't think I should be shunned for asking what's on my girlfriend's mind."

"I don't want to talk, okay?" I said more gently. When his hurt look didn't disappear, I added the partial truth: "It's still the crap with my family." Not like you would understand with your perfect parents and siblings.

His eyes softened. "I'm sorry. I know you're having a tough time, I shouldn't have pushed you. This isn't the place, but you know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

I wish I could.

In a way, I told myself, I was protecting him by not talking to him about one particular everything.

***

Liam dropped off Jessica and me at my dorm where he pecked me goodnight and waved at Jessica. She had homework, but she was also pissed. I opened my closet and put my coat on a hanger, then held a hand out for hers. The second I shut the door and turned around, Jessica, perched on the edge of my bed, was staring at me with her arms crossed in front of her chest.

"Jessica, if you have something to say, say it, but don't give me that disappointed look. I know I overreacted."

"I'm not disappointed, I'm frustrated. Do you know why I'm frustrated?"

I sighed, then humored her. "Why are you frustrated?"

"Because you're still with Liam. And before you ask if I have a vendetta against him: I don't. This isn't about him, this is about you. I'm concerned."

I averted my eyes. The snow flurried outside my window, covering dark tree bark with its white blankets. "I'm not good enough."

Jessica stood and crossed the room until she was beside me. "The only person who thinks that is you. You're smart and kind and patient and funny and so many more things I can't all list now."

"I know," I said, and meant it.

"Then why on earth would you think you're not good enough for Liam otherwise?"

"He's so—perfect. And all I do is betray and disappoint him. It's like I'm not my best self with him and, for the life of me, I can't figure out how to be better. From time to time I think I've got it but then I relapse and am back to being a selfish, closed-off bitch. I—"

"Stop right there." Jessica's voice was now stern. Her fingertips pressed into my shoulders when she gently pushed me onto my desk chair.

"First of all, that's a sexist term and I don't want you to talk about yourself that way. I don't want you to even think it. Second of all, Liam is many things, but perfect is not one of them. We can talk about that another time. For now, let me ask you something."

I closed my eyes, exhaling slowly.

"Are you happy with Liam?"

"Am I happy with Liam?"

"You heard me."

Things had been looking up since before the break. What happened tonight?

"I could be."

She knelt down beside me and forced me to look at her. "Are you happy?"

I took a breath as if I were going to speak, but didn't. A thought, fresh and tender, sprouted in my head. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

"No," I conceded, my voice a low hum. Is that possible? All these months for naught? What else could I have done? "I've been trying so hard."

"I know you have, babe. But it shouldn't be this hard. No one shouldn't be hurting, not you and not Liam. You have to be honest with yourself." For a second, only the howling of the wind outside filled the room. "It's okay to end a relationship if it's not working out, Grace. It doesn't make you a bad person, and it doesn't mean you don't care. There is no one keeping score."

"I am." But my voice was flat.

"I know you are, babe." Her hand rubbed comforting circles on my knee.

I turned what she had said over in my mind for several minutes. Outside, a loud gust of wind blew through the snow. Far down the hall, a door fell shut. The gears in my head had been set in motion.

"I have to think."

"Of course, take the time you need."