John: Were you out on a date with Liam last night?

After yet another rough night, I had woken up at 6:47 am the following morning. Too early for my well-being, but in time to catch up on homework and midterm prep. My agenda was fuller than Grampa's plate at the annual community potluck buffet.

The bed was made and I was sitting at my desk in my plaid red and blue pajama pants and a white strappy tank top. Getting half dressed in the morning was the best. You still had some of the comfort of your bed while being almost ready to leave the house in case of an unforeseen hurry.

The Two Faces of American Freedom was blurring before my eyes, so I took the interruption by John's text as a sign to go have breakfast before whipping my brain through this. Exhaling loudly, I stuck a bookmark to the current page and went to change into jeans.

How did he know, anyway? My best guess was Aidan, but why it would seem significant enough for him to let John know remained a mystery.

Me: I was.

John: Why didn't u tell me? How was it??

An uneasy feeling settled in my stomach. Why would I have told him? Was he jealous or was this normal conversation between friends? Were we this close of friends? Or were we maybe even too close to discuss this?

I didn't know how to answer, so I didn't. Instead, I spent all of Sunday morning after a quick breakfast in my room to catch up on my readings and study guides as I should have been doing for days. I only interrupted my work for a quick call to Jessica once she texted me she was awake and wanted all the details. She was not happy when I palmed her off with the short version ("It was great and he kissed me at the end of the night!") but I promised more details over dinner.

First, however, I would watch my first college soccer game.

***

It had gotten chilly quickly this October, and Linh and I were glad we were wearing our winter coats when we found our usual seats on the bleachers at the soccer field. With the first day of the month, the leaves had begun to change their color from green to every imaginable shade of red, yellow, and orange. Now, two weeks later, all of campus shone in fiery colors. New England fall was my favorite season. The way that some of the trees would be green one day and then amber the next, or the way that one branch would transform its leaves while retaining the chlorophyll in the others was a unique spectacle I tried not to take for granted no matter how long I had lived here.

John's girlfriend sat in the second row with a friend I'd seen at the games a bunch of times. She looked cute in her gray faux-fur-hooded parka and black suede ankle boots, but she usually did. Her chestnut-brown hair was in a half-updo, but the wind picked at it relentlessly so she eventually loosened it to pull her hair into a messy bun.

"Who are we playing again today?" I was sure it had been mentioned, but between all that had been going on the past couple of days, I couldn't recall.

I felt a little better after having placed checkmarks behind several items on my to-do list this morning and rewarding myself with lunch with Linh. As an added plus, it had been a welcome distraction from turning the situation with Liam over in my mind again and again. Attending the game would help, too, because it was the one place on campus I knew was a Liam-free zone. He would rather redo an already finished econometrics problem set than set foot anywhere near the soccer field and John, which suited me fine that day. I did want to see him again, but I had to figure out my feelings first.

"Wesleyan," Linh replied. "I don't want to jinx it, but it should be an easy game."

"Is the team in good shape?"

As focused on her friend's story as she was, John's girlfriend didn't notice him waving at her when jogging by the bleachers on his warm-up lap until he had already run past her. When he passed us, he smiled and waved at Linh and me, and we both waved back. If he remembered having texted me that morning about my date and not having received a response from me, he didn't let on. John was closely followed in his lap by Greg, to whom we waved as well, of course.

"Decent. Good enough for Wesleyan, but they'll have to kick it up a notch for Tufts in a few weeks. They're their biggest competitor for the NESCAC championship."

Linh was my favorite person to watch the games with. Unlike me, she understood how the game worked and had good insight through Greg.

"Is Greg starting today?"

"Yes, finally Coach is letting him. He's not the playmaker, but he's the glue that holds the team together."

I could see that.

At halftime, the guys were ahead by one goal and seemed in pretty solid shape to take on the second half. While they scurried to the fieldhouse to huddle up and take pointers from Coach, Linh and I made our way to the concession stand. She had a less than healthy obsession with Sour Patch Kids.

"I send a whole box of them home to my family every semester. They've all gotten hooked on them as well," she explained.

Unintentionally, I locked eyes with John's girlfriend near the concession stand, upon which she sent me a tight-lipped smile and mouthed 'hi' in passing. I gave a small wave back, but that was enough friendliness for today. I didn't like her much, although I had never had a longer conversation with her. I didn't like how possessive she seemed of John when they were together. Clinging to his arm and all. He didn't seem to mind and I couldn't change that. And wouldn't. John's relationship was none of my business. She just ought to respect herself more than to identify through being with a man, but I'd never have said that out loud.

The Panthers ended up winning the game 2:0, and Wesleyan had to pack their duffels and their whipping and hop on the bus back to Connecticut. Greg had been benched for the second half, but Linh was happy he got to play an entire half nonetheless. After the guys' post-game huddle and their shower, he found Linh and me on the side of the field. Giving Linh a sweet peck on the lips and me a friendly hug, he thanked us for showing up.

"Of course."

Contrary to what I had told Liam about Aidan, I had gotten to know the pregamers this semester and they were a pretty cool group of people.

Linh grinned at her boyfriend. "Grace only came to see you play."

"Absolutely," I confirmed mock-earnestly.

"That's a shame, I thought you were here for me," said John as he came up from behind Greg and gave me a hug. The enticing scent of his Old Spice body wash flooded my nose.

"Oh, I completely forgot you'd be here, too," I teased.

"In either case"—he smiled—"I appreciate you coming out. Talk soon? Excuse me."

He touched my sleeve lightly and brushed past us to see his girlfriend who was waiting thirty feet down the outer line of the field. When I realized my eyes lingered on John, I had to consciously draw them back to Greg and Linh who were looking at each other with a grin playing the corners of their mouths, then looked back at me as if nothing had happened.

"Grace, are you coming to the suite tonight?" asked Greg.

I wanted to say yes. Missing a pregame was a shame, especially since I was really beginning to see these people as my friends. But I had to keep a little more distance from John to get my head straight again, and I had class early the following morning. "Not tonight, maybe next week. But only if you win again."

He showed a toothy smile and shrugged as if to say 'It's not in my hands'. "I'll pass it on to John. We'll do our best—or at least he'll do his best if Coach benches me again."

***

I knew I was acting ridiculously, but I couldn't help it. Not when I hadn't figured out my feelings yet.

I sat facing the window and had my back turned toward Liam. He was sitting over finished plates about 40 feet away with his roommate Carlos. By the looks of it, they were engaged in a light-hearted conversation. I could have sat with them, they wouldn't have minded, but I didn't know what to say and I was so awkward I wanted to quietly disappear.

Jessica had had to cancel last minute due to an emergency of one of her first-years. But now I had already gotten my dinner, so it was too late to turn around and switch dining halls. What had I been thinking would happen? I wouldn't run into him ever again? This campus was too darn small for that. What is wrong with you? You like this guy! Right?

My appetite wasn't strong so I got a slab of mac'n'cheese and a salad and started my attempt at consuming it. I had picked up the third forkful when Liam lowered himself onto the chair beside me, pulling it closer to mine.

"Hey, you." His smile was brighter than his white crew-neck t-shirt.

I swallowed my bite and set down my fork. "I could say the same to you."

Agh, why are you like this? And why was this conversation after kissing for the first time so unbearably awkward?

"You been studying today?" He playfully elbowed my side.

I nodded, picking up my silverware again and stuffing another forkful of pasta into my mouth. This is all too much.

"I tried that too, but I couldn't get our date last night off my mind." Uergh, how sappy.

"About that," I bravely began, swallowing a bite of mac'n'cheese with difficulty.

Usually I held the opinion that there was no bad mac'n'cheese, but something about the batch today tasted bleak and made it tough to swallow.

Continuing in a lowered voice, I managed: "I'm not sure this is right. We've been friends for so long..." Not even I was sure what I was getting at.

Liam watched me attentively and then lowered his voice as well. "That's totally reasonable, I get it. We can take it slow. You set the pace."

I gave him a small smile. Good. I was a little bit more in control. This was Liam. My friend Liam. I liked him. How could I not? He was a darling. I was just overwhelmed by all of this happening so fast and still unsure of how to fit a relationship into my schedule.

With all of this stress I'd been under, of course I involuntarily straightened up when he placed his hand on the small of my back. It would pass once I'd adjust to being with him, once I'd learn how to be something more than a friend to someone again. It had been a while.

Smiling, he excused himself to get a cup of coffee for himself and a cup of chamomile tea for me. I liked him because he was thoughtful and kind like that and things with him were easy. He was never moody or unavailable. He didn't try to be anything he wasn't. He was himself, a thoroughly good person. And I was being foolish to be so hesitant.

"That's sweet of you, thanks," I said when he returned and gave him an innocent peck on the cheek. The way his eyes lit up alone was worth it if nothing else had been.

It was good, I eventually texted John back on the way out, smiling. Liam was walking beside me, the corners of his mouth pulled up so high it almost looked clownish.

John replied immediately: As in, you're dating—good?

Me: Too soon to say.

John: Well, anyway, I'm happy if you're happy.

I am. I will be.